At my wit's end with the annulment process

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amm2267

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It has been about 2.5 years since received my legal divorce and I was able to begin the annulment process. I received word from the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston that my annulment was granted about 9 months ago (don’t even get me started what it took to get to that point), but then it had to be sent to the Austin diocese to affirm the decision, which was supposed to take about 8 months. I just received word it would be another six months or so. Maybe.

I have been so patient with this process. Despite how punitive it has felt at times, despite my desire to just move on with my life, and despite the pain it has caused to me, my family, my friends and my current fiancee, I have maintained my patience. They recommended that if I were to get married again, I should seek some counseling, which I did even though I wasn’t engaged, but I wanted to feel proactive and I wanted to see it all through.

I feel like I’ve done my part: for myself, for the people in my life, and for the Church, but it is so hard to not feel like the Church is failing me.

Now I am engaged- a relationship that started after I began the annulment process, but with someone I’ve known since long before. We waited to get engaged until we thought we were only a couple months away from being able to set a date and now we can’t. (With the added bonus of having to explain to everyone why we can’t. Exactly what you want to be talking about at a time like this.)

This is the person I was meant to share my life with, start a family with, and thank heavens we were able to find each other and come together, but now, we can’t, and who knows when we will be able to. We sit and wait on an annulment that surely will come, yet we can’t even think about setting a wedding date until it does. It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to our children. And I’m not naive enough to think that the concept of fairness matters in this world, but it tortures me that I am the cause of this pain for the ones I love.

My previous marriage was a horrible, abusive mistake, and because I had such a high value on the commitment of marriage, it took me three years to get out of it. Now I’m so ready to begin my real life, the life I know God wants me to have, yet I can’t. I can’t begin having children and making the family I know I’m meant to have because of this. And because it’s not done, the reminder of the abuse and pain remains. Pain that I do NOT think God wants me to go through.

I’m sorry. I’ve held my tongue on the issue for so long, and this is my explosion. So few people even understand what the annulment process is, and why I would bother doing it if it’s such a difficult process, but for me, even though when I first divorced and never planned on marrying again, I knew I had to do it. Because what I had was not a marriage EVER and I could not stand the thought of anyone on heaven or earth considering it otherwise. I have nightmares that this will never end.

Thank you for letting me vent. I hope there’s some understanding out there. I’m not sure what else I can hope for.

That sounds bleaker than I mean it. I just know it is what it is and I have to ride it out. Sigh.
 
I know the process can be frustrating. And don’t be afraid to vent here, there’s plenty of people here who know what it’s like. As for the annulment problem, go to the person who helped you fill out the initial papers and see if they have any insights on what’s taking so long. They may even be able to contact the tribunal office or your diocese to see what the hold up is. It may be that some of the necessary paperwork didn’t get included. I know for my annulment, a certain number of “witnesses” had to fill out forms. And some of mine didn’t return the forms at all. I think it took about a year to get my annulment. At the time I wasn’t thinking about remarrying either. It was just one more way to put that part of my life behind me. But things sometimes do change. My prayers are with you.
 
amm2267 said:
It has been about 2.5 years since received my legal divorce and I was able to begin the annulment process. I received word from the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston that my annulment was granted about 9 months ago (don’t even get me started what it took to get to that point), but then it had to be sent to the Austin diocese to affirm the decision, which was supposed to take about 8 months. I just received word it would be another six months or so. Maybe.

I have been so patient with this process. Despite how punitive it has felt at times, despite my desire to just move on with my life, and despite the pain it has caused to me, my family, my friends and my current fiancee, I have maintained my patience. They recommended that if I were to get married again, I should seek some counseling, which I did even though I wasn’t engaged, but I wanted to feel proactive and I wanted to see it all through.

I feel like I’ve done my part: for myself, for the people in my life, and for the Church, but it is so hard to not feel like the Church is failing me.

Now I am engaged- a relationship that started after I began the annulment process, but with someone I’ve known since long before. We waited to get engaged until we thought we were only a couple months away from being able to set a date and now we can’t. (With the added bonus of having to explain to everyone why we can’t. Exactly what you want to be talking about at a time like this.)

This is the person I was meant to share my life with, start a family with, and thank heavens we were able to find each other and come together, but now, we can’t, and who knows when we will be able to. We sit and wait on an annulment that surely will come, yet we can’t even think about setting a wedding date until it does. It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to our children. And I’m not naive enough to think that the concept of fairness matters in this world, but it tortures me that I am the cause of this pain for the ones I love.

My previous marriage was a horrible, abusive mistake, and because I had such a high value on the commitment of marriage, it took me three years to get out of it. Now I’m so ready to begin my real life, the life I know God wants me to have, yet I can’t. I can’t begin having children and making the family I know I’m meant to have because of this. And because it’s not done, the reminder of the abuse and pain remains. Pain that I do NOT think God wants me to go through.

I’m sorry. I’ve held my tongue on the issue for so long, and this is my explosion. So few people even understand what the annulment process is, and why I would bother doing it if it’s such a difficult process, but for me, even though when I first divorced and never planned on marrying again, I knew I had to do it. Because what I had was not a marriage EVER and I could not stand the thought of anyone on heaven or earth considering it otherwise. I have nightmares that this will never end.

Thank you for letting me vent. I hope there’s some understanding out there. I’m not sure what else I can hope for.

That sounds bleaker than I mean it. I just know it is what it is and I have to ride it out. Sigh.
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If your fiance loves you, waiting is the price that he has to pay for you. Don’t feel bad about that–surely you are worth it. You aren’t making him do this–he has chosen you knowing that there would be complications. If he wanted somebody with fewer strings attached, he would have chosen somebody else.

Also, if you both have kids, in what way is this situation unfair to them? Don’t you think that they probably appreciate being able to have their mom and dad to themselves for a little while longer? Combining households for a blended family is a big deal and a lot of people screw it up by moving too fast.

It sounds like you’ve done individual counseling. It might be worthwhile to also do some more in-depth premarital counseling (the diocesan premarital counseling is probably not quite in-depth enough for your situation) and some family counseling to help you plan the unification of your households. Have you figured out, for instance, how you will handle disciplining non-biological children, what being “fair” will mean for your kids, and making sure that kids get individual time with their biological parent? I’d also suggest doing a personal finance class together (for instance Dave Ramsey’s 9 week Financial Peace University) and starting to do financial planning together (although not, of course, combining finances). You can also start saving for your wedding now. There’s lots of stuff that you can do now.

Some of this is jumping the gun a little (what if the annulment is refused?), but there’s no harm at all in doing the financial stuff now. If you do the personal finance class and save some money, you’ll be that much better off, no matter what happens.

Oh, and once you’re able to get engaged and set a date, think seriously about the legal and financial side of your life: life insurance policies, wills if you don’t both have one, guardianship for the kids, living wills, powers of attorney, etc.

Best wishes!
 
You said you are waiting to start your real life…

You are already living your real life, and you are doing so demonstrating heroic virtue. (Obviously, I can’t read hearts so I cannot know this for certain, but just based on your post, that is what observe.) You are living out your vocation as a Christian, by abiding by the commandments and the precepts of the Church. You are honoring your future vocation to marriage, by thoughtfully and patiently preparing yourself for a valid, sacramental marriage, with plenty of counseling and preparation. And you are even thinking ahead toward how your actions now will affect your future children, should God bless you and your fiance with them once you wed.

No, you are not waiting to begin your real life. You are eagerly anticipating the joy that awaits you, and feeling some understandable frustration at having to wait to wed, but you are very much doing exactly what pleases our Lord Jesus right now, by being obedient and focusing upon virtue.

I am very sorry for the suffering you have gone through. I will pray for you tonight for the grace of fortitude and peace while you wait. God bless you.
 
Life is eternal. Don’t worry about a couple of months.
 
I pray that God grants you continued patience. We don’t know why it sometimes feels like God moves so slowly but He has His reasons and we just have to continue to trust Him. God Bless you.
 
I hear you. My ex was abusive also and when I finally found the courage to leave I still was too afraid of him to file. After a long wait, almost a year, I filed for divorce. it was a horrible drawn out process in court with me constantly having to show proof that he was lying about money, his joblessness, our kid. It was very hard and frightening. Then I start the annulment process and have to walk that long road again. I love being Catholic and I have not dated anyone after leaving my ex. I had a lot of healing to go through. But there is a person that I am interested in and I think he feels the same. If possible I would like to date him. I know I shouldn’t due to the fact that I don’t have an answer on my annulment yet. But it does feel like an extended punishment to me. I could get pregnant, abort my child, go to confession and be right with the church as soon as I confess. But I married someone who was deceitful and became abusive after our marriage and this is my problem that I cannot receive absolution from without going through a civil divorce and then a long annulment process. And the whole time I am terrified of my ex. If I meet someone who is right for me before I can bring myself to complete this process of annulment I will not feel bad about being with them. I have had enough of the heartache.
 
I just want to add, been there… and I’m praying for you. I know it isn’t easy. May God bless you with strength, faith, peace, hope and love. It may seem like the church is trying to torture you, but they have guidelines to follow. They are trying to protect the sacrament of marriage for everyone…
 
amm2267 said:
It has been about 2.5 years since received my legal divorce and I was able to begin the annulment process. I received word from the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston that my annulment was granted about 9 months ago (don’t even get me started what it took to get to that point), but then it had to be sent to the Austin diocese to affirm the decision, which was supposed to take about 8 months. I just received word it would be another six months or so. Maybe.

I have been so patient with this process. Despite how punitive it has felt at times, despite my desire to just move on with my life, and despite the pain it has caused to me, my family, my friends and my current fiancee, I have maintained my patience. They recommended that if I were to get married again, I should seek some counseling, which I did even though I wasn’t engaged, but I wanted to feel proactive and I wanted to see it all through.

I feel like I’ve done my part: for myself, for the people in my life, and for the Church, but it is so hard to not feel like the Church is failing me.

Now I am engaged- a relationship that started after I began the annulment process, but with someone I’ve known since long before. We waited to get engaged until we thought we were only a couple months away from being able to set a date and now we can’t. (With the added bonus of having to explain to everyone why we can’t. Exactly what you want to be talking about at a time like this.)

This is the person I was meant to share my life with, start a family with, and thank heavens we were able to find each other and come together, but now, we can’t, and who knows when we will be able to. We sit and wait on an annulment that surely will come, yet we can’t even think about setting a wedding date until it does. It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to our children. And I’m not naive enough to think that the concept of fairness matters in this world, but it tortures me that I am the cause of this pain for the ones I love.

My previous marriage was a horrible, abusive mistake, and because I had such a high value on the commitment of marriage, it took me three years to get out of it. Now I’m so ready to begin my real life, the life I know God wants me to have, yet I can’t. I can’t begin having children and making the family I know I’m meant to have because of this. And because it’s not done, the reminder of the abuse and pain remains. Pain that I do NOT think God wants me to go through.

I’m sorry. I’ve held my tongue on the issue for so long, and this is my explosion. So few people even understand what the annulment process is, and why I would bother doing it if it’s such a difficult process, but for me, even though when I first divorced and never planned on marrying again, I knew I had to do it. Because what I had was not a marriage EVER and I could not stand the thought of anyone on heaven or earth considering it otherwise. I have nightmares that this will never end.

Thank you for letting me vent. I hope there’s some understanding out there. I’m not sure what else I can hope for.

That sounds bleaker than I mean it. I just know it is what it is and I have to ride it out. Sigh.
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I’m in a very similar situation right now. I received a decree of nullity 5 years ago, but my fiancée has now been waiting over 2 years for an affirmative on his petition. Surprisingly also in the Galveston-Houston Archdiocese (and you also don’t want to hear all the particulars with this one). Now on to the second opinion for more waiting. We are not youngsters anymore, and the “not knowing” aspect of how long it may take does make things difficult. Use this time for preparation and don’t worry. God’s will be done. He knows what is best for us and is aware of how hard this is for you and everyone involved. It is not easy for me to see how I can use this time for improving my spiritual life and the spiritual life of those around me, but I think this is the best road to take. We should try to uplift each other with encouragement and hope that all will be well, then we can travel down the road of sacramental marriage with our loved one and see how it was all worth it. I will surely pray for you!
 
I just passed my one year mark and am waiting for the first decision so I can then begin waiting for the second decision. I spoke to my procurator~advocate and heard there is a serious staff shortage and who knows how long it will be. URGH!

I’m remarried and have been for 11 years. He is a cradle catholic and I am converting, so we cannot receive Sacraments until the annulment is final and our marriage convalidated. So frustrating. I pray we all receive just rulings as soon as humanly possible.
 
I just want to thank everyone who commented on this. I’ve never posted something like this and was in a place of need and it really means a lot to me to hear your words of support. Thank you.

Just gotta keep chugging along, appreciate and continue to grow with what I have, and everything that will happen, will happen.
 
amm2267 said:
I just want to thank everyone who commented on this. I’ve never posted something like this and was in a place of need and it really means a lot to me to hear your words of support. Thank you.

Just gotta keep chugging along, appreciate and continue to grow with what I have, and everything that will happen, will happen.
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Amen and God bless you. We are still praying for you!
🙂
 
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