At odds... Agnostic Boyfriend

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mmblueskies

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I am new to Catholic Answers so hello everyone! I posted this in another forum but it disappeared for some reason so I think I might of placed it in the wrong area (I hope this is correct now)

I was raised Catholic and come from a very religious family. For awhile I strayed from the church and during this time I met my current agnostic boyfriend who I have been together with for a little over 3 years now. I am deeply in love with this man. He is my everything, he has a kind heart and takes care of me, and we connect on such a deep level of intimacy and until recently I was positive he was the one.

A little while back, within the past four months I started reconnecting with my faith. Going back to church and confession and even attending a young adult group at my church. With that came the discussion with my boyfriend that I no longer wanted to have sex and would like to wait for marriage, as well as the news that I would like to raise my future children Catholic as well. Although he respected the decision at the time when it was brought up, I have felt him pushing me further away and resenting me for these decisions. We had a talk about it and he made clear to me that he isn’t quite sure he wants his children to be raised in the Catholic faith and has found himself feeling bitter towards the religion because of the recent changes I have made.

I have prayed everyday for guidance and even more that he would come to understand the Catholic religion. While neither of us want to break up, I fear that it will just get more difficult with time and I know even harder if and when we do decide to have children. I am so in love with this man and cannot even begin to imagine life without him by my side but I am very much at odds here and I ask for your prayers and advice.
 
First …Congratulations on coming back home! 🙂 It’s funny how God works sometimes … and how patient He is when it comes to us finding our way to Him.

Second …I will say a prayer for you during this very difficult time. 😦 You really sound quite torn.

Third … I wish I had some “great” advice to offer you, but I’m not sure how “great” it is. 🙂 You mention your daily prayer … this is fantastic! Prayer is amazing and powerful. Being a cradle Catholic, I recently found my faith again about 2 years ago and I have experienced the power of prayer myself, and it truly is life-changing.

The one thing we need to remember though is sometimes our prayers are not answered the way we want them to be (or the way we think we want our life to go). Sometimes, the prayers that “seem unanswered,” are the true answers. God has a plan out there, and we need to trust in Him. Sometimes I find myself simply saying, “Jesus, I trust in you” (and I repeat this 3 times) when I need to refocus or am having trouble discerning what I should do.

I think you have made some wonderful choices in your life, and your boyfriend … in the love and respect he has for you … should be supportive of those choices. If he is not, this may be something you consider before planning your future with him.

In defining “love,” I always love going back to Corinthians:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

You mention having him push you further away and resenting you for your decisions, and you also say he may not allow for your children to be raised Catholic. Perhaps looking at Corinthians statements that love does not dishonor others and it rejoices in the truth - you may find that this can be a focus of your prayer.

Wishing you the best!

Oh … you may also want to consider reading some material about agnostics and atheists to see if you can meet your boyfriend where he is … this way you can understand him and then be able to guide him into seeing where you are and where the truth is. Catholic Answers has “Answering Atheism” books/CDs as great resources! (Not a plug for them … just a reality). 🙂

God Bless!!
 
It is unfair to him to expect him to raise his children Catholic against his will. It is unfair to your children to deny them the faith that you yourself were given by the fidelity of your parents.

Your boyfriend fell in love with you when he did not know what you were. You were not living your whole self in his presence, but hid it by not living it. Do not marry him unless you are both entirely OK with your true self, including your true faith and the obligations that your faith implies.

I am married to a non-Catholic–we ask a lot of them when they marry us! One hopes it is for the welfare of all, but count the cost before you jump. Don’t just close your eyes and hope for the best. Have your eyes open and be sure that he has his eyes and heart open, too. Otherwise you are in for a world of hurt, and will be dishing a world of hurt onto his head. Don’t expect him to thank you for it.
 
I would try to go to adoration on his behalf. it might have to come to a head but better now than if married. If you are going to an adult group at the church, I would try to ask for their prayer support as well. You are doing the right things and will pray for the both of you.
 
You are not the same person now that you were. Before, you were okay with his being agnostic. As a Catholic, now, it’s no longer okay to you. If I were dating, as a Catholic, I’d hope I’d take a similar position as yourself.

Now, there are several layers to this, more than one could address even on the forum.

One of the layers is that you have had intimacy. Now, one of the reasons the Catholic Church says we are NOT to become sexually intimate before marriage is that there is a very special bond created by this intimacy. We are temples of the Holy Spirit, created in the image and likeness of God, himself. Now, we maintain marriage is holy, sacred, a sacrament, not to be shared with just anyone. We believe it’s to be in marriage, only.

If I had a dime for every time I heard, “I’m in love, and we’re planning to get married”, I’d be rich now! Most of these relationships go on, sometimes for years, no marriage. Sometimes, there is even a string of relationships…they even coined a term for it…serial monogamy.

We believe it takes much careful thought, consideration, reflection, even preparation. We have precana classes to try to prepare people for marriage, because we believe it’s helpful to think out the issues BEFORE becoming physically involved.

Now that you are physically involved, scientists tell us that when a woman is in a sexual relationship, her body will release a hormone, oxytocin. I think it may be even the same hormone is released when a woman is nursing a baby. It helps with bonding. So, naturally, you feel you are in love. However, this could also be explained simply by the hormones.

Many people today base many very important decisions on feelings. They say they are absolutely 100% convinced that they are “in love”, that this time, it is in fact Mr. Right, “the one”. I, too, used to base my decisions on feelings. I’d say how I had “fallen in love”. Then, in a few months, or years, I had just as easily “fallen out of love”.

Some people use fleeting feelings, which are sometimes even probably lust, rather than love, possibly hormonal, and other factors, to determine their life partner. They use these feelings not as a guide, but in some cases as the ONLY basis for their decision.

So, as a result, we get people who “are in love”, get married. Then, time goes by. This person “falls out of love”, then “falls in love”, this time with somebody else’s spouse saying it’s his/her “soul mate”! Do you see how we can use feelings as the main, or only indicators, and get off base?

How many times in your life have you probably felt “this is the one” and it turned out not to be?

As a Catholic, having an agnostic boyfriend will create huge issues for you, more in the future than now, probably. Well, you’re already seeing how he doesn’t want to abstain from intimacy until marriage. He wants sex, and if he doesn’t get it, he will probably leave you for someone else, then. If he truly loved you, he would wait. He doesn’t seem like he will be willing to do that, though.

As to yourself, seems you have a decision to make, him or God.

Let’s say you both decide to continue with the relationship, marry, though. You would be expected, as a Catholic, to do precana. Would he go with you?

Even if you raised your children Catholic, what would that also look like? Okay, imagine the future. He sleeps late on Sunday while you, and your children, go to mass. Your children say, “I don’t want to go to mass. Daddy doesn’t go”. What will you say?

You won’t be able to EVER pray with your husband, possibly not even grace on Thanksgiving!

What will happen when you say, “Honey, it’s against the Catholic Church to use contraception”, how will that go over? If you say, “Well, in our circumstances, we could use Natural Family Planning where I chart my cycle, and on the days I’m fertile, we both need to abstain from intimacy”, what would his response be?

Was he baptized? With good reason, I don’t think Catholics are supposed to marry unbaptized individuals. The Church discourages even marrying people of other faiths due to all the problems this creates down the road. We later see these mixed marriages…mixed faiths…mixed Catholic with atheist or agnostic asking…“My agnostic/atheist/other denomination faith husband won’t use Natural Family Planning or is getting a vasectomy. What can I do?”

At that point, some people on the forum will often respond, “You knew what he was when you married him”.

So, as in love as you may feel you are, I hope you would seriously reconsider the wisdom of continuing in a relationship where you’d be, as many Protestants aptly put it “unevenly yoked”. You would now be working crossed purposes.

Yes, I know you can probably find a couple here or there who is mixed religions, or atheist and Catholic, that made it work, but I suspect they would be more the exception rather than the norm.

You need to be “on the same page” on the most important issues. If you are becoming Catholic, then one of your important areas will now be…your faith.

A lot of atheists and agnostics also believe…homosexuality, abortion, contraception, just a bunch of things is just fine. You would then have to disagree. If he ever attacked the Church, you would be obligated to defend it.

I can see where, in future arguments, when you are both angry, how this issue would be a sore spot for you both. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if during times of stress in your relationship, it was revisited, frequently.

Ultimately, only you can decide what to do with your life, but I’d just encourage you to think carefully about what it would mean as a Catholic, to continue with someone who will only disagree with you on many of these issues. Relationships, and marriage especially, are hard enough without being on different pages on the basics.

Anyway, good luck and God bless! 🙂
 
mmblueskies said:
I am new to Catholic Answers so hello everyone! I posted this in another forum but it disappeared for some reason so I think I might of placed it in the wrong area (I hope this is correct now)

I was raised Catholic and come from a very religious family. For awhile I strayed from the church and during this time I met my current agnostic boyfriend who I have been together with for a little over 3 years now. I am deeply in love with this man. He is my everything, he has a kind heart and takes care of me, and we connect on such a deep level of intimacy and until recently I was positive he was the one.

A little while back, within the past four months I started reconnecting with my faith. Going back to church and confession and even attending a young adult group at my church. With that came the discussion with my boyfriend that I no longer wanted to have sex and would like to wait for marriage, as well as the news that I would like to raise my future children Catholic as well. Although he respected the decision at the time when it was brought up, I have felt him pushing me further away and resenting me for these decisions. We had a talk about it and he made clear to me that he isn’t quite sure he wants his children to be raised in the Catholic faith and has found himself feeling bitter towards the religion because of the recent changes I have made.

I have prayed everyday for guidance and even more that he would come to understand the Catholic religion. While neither of us want to break up, I fear that it will just get more difficult with time and I know even harder if and when we do decide to have children. I am so in love with this man and cannot even begin to imagine life without him by my side but I am very much at odds here and I ask for your prayers and advice.
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After I was married and had children of my own, my Mother told me her story. She said when she was young, about 18, she was deeply in love with a protestant young man and he loved her too. When they planned to get married he told her he could not allow his children to be raised Catholic but he would not interfer with her practicing her faith. While she loved him dearly, she knew she could never deny her future children their Catholic Faith so she called off the wedding. He pleaded with her but she would not change her mind even tho it broke her heart. Several years later she married my Dad, a Catholic, and raise all 10 of her Children in the Catholic Faith. I loved my Mom before she told me this but I loved her all the more for the sacrafice she made for us. She and my Dad are both in Heaven now and praying for all their children, grandchildren and gr. grand children.
God Bless, Memaw
 
Clearwater: wish you’d been around with this post 50 years ago when I was in my early 20’s!!! How much grief I would have been spared – I really regret going with “feelings”. I don’t think I was “in love” with the man, I was “in love with love” and the IDEA of marriage and children. After 24 years, many beatings and 5 children miscarried, I finally learned what you have expressed so well here!

At age 53, I married a 64 year old widower who was childless, wanted to be Catholic, attended Mass every week with me, converted and was an ardent Catholic until his death 2 years ago. I wish I had thought things through and had good advice like yours when I was young! Thank you! I hope the original OP listens to your advice and really does some serious praying and soul-searching. The pain later is just not worth it, if you don’t take a good hard look at all that is involved!

(By the way, many of the beatings were because he found out I slipped out of the house to go to Mass, which he had forbidden. I kept going as often as I could anyway, and the beatings resulted in all my children being lost - he didn’t want kids or to have them raised Catholic even if he did have any!)
 
Hi mmblueskies,

I went through something similar when I had my own reversion about two years ago. The difference being, I had already been married with kids for about 6 years. But maybe this will help.

We had been mostly agnostic throughout our relationship and when I first began to talk about going to an RC church (I was brought up in the Episcopal Church BTW) she was REALLY not into the idea. But I began to go on my own to the local Episcopal Church for about 6 months and there were a lot of profound changes in my life that brought about conflicts between us similar to what you are experiencing (concerns over contraception and raising children in the Faith).

I prayed constantly for her reversion to her own Catholic Faith.

Eventually after many attempts she agreed to go with me to the church and over the course of a year or so she actually started to develop a serious prayer life and became more faithful and active. Keep in mind this took TIME, and it was not easy for me. Every time she would start to talk about faith even a little bit, I would get way to excited and start in on things that were still too much for her to take. Her faith blossomed and she made friends at the church and became active in a local charity. She even went on a mission trip to Haiti! For me though, I still felt the need to become Catholic. I would occasionally try to plant the seed of the Truth that the RC Church had to offer, but it really never went anywhere.

I began to buy talks on mp3’s from Catholic authors and apologists, give her books to read, leave Catholic TV and radio on. Then rather suddenly this past July, I pretty much had enough of saying no to God about becoming Catholic. I told her that it was time for me to do what I was being told to do. Surprisingly she agreed and felt that we needed to leave the church we were attending. She would go the RC church because that’s what I felt called to do and she trusted me. :eek: Didn’t see that coming.

We tried a few places out until we found a place we both liked and had a lot to offer for our kids as far as faith formation went. She went to confession, I started RCIA and that’s were we are, finally!

I hope you can find a nugget or two that will help you in your current situation and know that I will pray to God for you both.

Also, like a lot of other posters have mentioned, please tread carefully. Mixed faith/agnostic marriage’s can be very tough on both spouse’s and children.
 
judynurse said:
Clearwater: wish you’d been around with this post 50 years ago when I was in my early 20’s!!! How much grief I would have been spared – I really regret going with “feelings”. I don’t think I was “in love” with the man, I was “in love with love” and the IDEA of marriage and children. After 24 years, many beatings and 5 children miscarried, I finally learned what you have expressed so well here!

At age 53, I married a 64 year old widower who was childless, wanted to be Catholic, attended Mass every week with me, converted and was an ardent Catholic until his death 2 years ago. I wish I had thought things through and had good advice like yours when I was young! Thank you! I hope the original OP listens to your advice and really does some serious praying and soul-searching. The pain later is just not worth it, if you don’t take a good hard look at all that is involved!

(By the way, many of the beatings were because he found out I slipped out of the house to go to Mass, which he had forbidden. I kept going as often as I could anyway, and the beatings resulted in all my children being lost - he didn’t want kids or to have them raised Catholic even if he did have any!)
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I am sorry about that. You’ve suffered. Thanks for trust us with your story. I hope it will help someone on the forum.

I usually keep a lot of this personal stuff to myself. I was once married to an agnostic, as well. In the beginning, religion didn’t seem important.

Then, I came back to my faith, partly BECAUSE of him! I saw he was everything I didn’t want to be! Anyway, it created all kinds of unforeseen problems, as well. For instance, that piece about being at Thanksgiving dinner, and his getting up, not wanting to even hear grace, was actually true. That honestly and truly happened.

He actually had always done that. In fact, his family commended me for at least helping him to get to the point he could withstand grace! He would also do things like leave the room if someone, at a political meeting, would say the “Pledge of Allegiance”, because it used the words under “God”. Seemed almost like he almost couldn’t even bear to hear the word, “God”, when I think of it.

It’s a little like those demons who can’t stand to be around a crucifix. It was a little like that! lol

There were other things, as well. For instance, we used to have a couple that we did things with. We went out to eat together, to the movies together. However, after I found my faith, I found that I could no longer go to, say, R-rated movies in good conscience. So suddenly, they were going to these things, without me. This one issue of religion split us in countless ways, some not always obvious.

I ended up changing my political party, the organizations I had supported, TV programs and movies I watched, pretty much everything.

One friend sort of criticized me, saying if I hadn’t had my faith, I might still be together with him. I said I did NOT regret my faith, come what may.

My only real regret was falling away from it in the first place and getting myself into this situation.

In my particular case, I wasn’t so much “in love” that particular time, but I, like you, have even gotten, and stayed in some abusive relationships…one where I was slapped, pushed, etc., still telling myself it was “love”.

One sister finally took me aside and said, “That is NOT love”.

So, I have since developed an entirely new criteria of what I call “love”. Love, to me is a woman getting up in the middle of the night to feed or change a crying baby. It is staying with someone who is sick. It is someone staying with someone in thick and thin, rich and poor, sickness and health…

Now, to me, someone who wants to leave just because he didn’t get sex before marriage, I wouldn’t even bother with. After what I’ve learned. In fact, I’d actually be the one to break up with him if I were now put in that situation. Why? I’ve been in relationships like the one described, and that sounds like the kind I had to walk away from.

In fact, if you have been together…3 years? I would wonder if he ever intended on getting on married to begin with or if he was simply leading you on.

There’s really no incentive for him to marry till now, since he’s been able to get sex without any commitments on his part.

Again, if he truly loved you, he would wait. I don’t think he does. So, I think given that the sex is off, he will probably head out to look elsewhere, likewise, without committing marriage to her, either.
 
Oh, one more thing, I know a lot of liberals, atheists, and agnostics think they are “tolerant”. I used to also be a liberal, but I’ve since learned some can be the most intolerant people of anybody, especially Christians!
 
Memaw said:
After I was married and had children of my own, my Mother told me her story. She said when she was young, about 18, she was deeply in love with a protestant young man and he loved her too. When they planned to get married he told her he could not allow his children to be raised Catholic but he would not interfer with her practicing her faith. While she loved him dearly, she knew she could never deny her future children their Catholic Faith so she called off the wedding. He pleaded with her but she would not change her mind even tho it broke her heart. Several years later she married my Dad, a Catholic, and raise all 10 of her Children in the Catholic Faith. I loved my Mom before she told me this but I loved her all the more for the sacrafice she made for us. She and my Dad are both in Heaven now and praying for all their children, grandchildren and gr. grand children.
God Bless, Memaw
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What a great witness to our faith. Thanks for sharing.

DGB
 
judynurse said:
Clearwater: wish you’d been around with this post 50 years ago when I was in my early 20’s!!! How much grief I would have been spared – I really regret going with “feelings”. I don’t think I was “in love” with the man, I was “in love with love” and the IDEA of marriage and children. After 24 years, many beatings and 5 children miscarried, I finally learned what you have expressed so well here!

At age 53, I married a 64 year old widower who was childless, wanted to be Catholic, attended Mass every week with me, converted and was an ardent Catholic until his death 2 years ago. I wish I had thought things through and had good advice like yours when I was young! Thank you! I hope the original OP listens to your advice and really does some serious praying and soul-searching. The pain later is just not worth it, if you don’t take a good hard look at all that is involved!

(By the way, many of the beatings were because he found out I slipped out of the house to go to Mass, which he had forbidden. I kept going as often as I could anyway, and the beatings resulted in all my children being lost - he didn’t want kids or to have them raised Catholic even if he did have any!)
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Also a great witness to our faith. I am truly impressed by your strength and dedication to our Lord. Thanks for sharing.

DGB
 
mmblueskies said:
While neither of us want to break up, I fear that it will just get more difficult with time and I know even harder if and when we do decide to have children. I am so in love with this man and cannot even begin to imagine life without him by my side but I am very much at odds here and I ask for your prayers and advice.
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You changed the rules on him and he doesn’t like the new set-up. You’ve got some tough choices to make. Luckily, you’re dealing with an unhappy boyfriend and not an unhappy husband.
 
I believe ClearWater touched on this, but I wanted to mention it as well.

When having sex our bodies produce a few lovely chemicals and hormones that make us feel euphoric and bonded. That’show God designed us. The problem is that if we are having sex before marriage we are chemically bonding to a person we aren’t necessarily sure is the best mate for us, but those happy hormones and chemicals sure do make us think so! Our judgement is clouded.

Once we aren’t having sex anymore the chemical effect starts to wear off and we see the other person for who they really are as they start to see us for who we really are.No more cloud cover.

Add in to that a change in faith and habits…well, there are bound to be problems.

Now that you are looking at each other with clear heads it’s time to decide if you are really right for each other and can make a go of a marriage. It’s been enough time for you to know if marriage is where you are heading and about when you’re going to get there.

Is he going to not only tolerate, but support you in your faith? Would he make dinner, for example, on a day you are heading to Mass with the kids because it is a Holy Day of Obligation? Will he get up early and eat breakfast with you and then help get the kids ready for Mass? Will he back you up when you are teaching your kids the faith and they are resistant to certain ideas…and they will be at some point… or will he undermine you?

Will he help you with NFP by assisting with charting and not pressuring you to use birth control? Will he accept periods of abstaining if you both decide to avoid pregnancy? Will he decide it’s all a pain in the butt and go get a vasectomy even though you object knowing it is a mortal sin?

What about divorce? As a non-Catholic that is a viable option for him when things get hard. And they will. Every marriage has rough patches that can last for months. As a Catholic, divorce isn’t an option for you unless there is abuse or addiction rendering a separation and divorce necessary for the protection of you, the children, and assets. Does he fully understand that marriage is for life, no matter what, and that you may never be able to remarry if there was a divorce? If the marriage was valid at the time of consent there would be no possibility of annulment, after all.

My best advice is to really look at the details of living as a Catholic with a non-Christian and see where you are. If he loves you and is willing to accept the day to day aspects of your faith, never undermine you when the kids come along, and thinks you are worth going without sex until marriage and then after marriage during periods of abstaining due to NFP, then by all means move forward and get married. If these things are a problem for him, best to get it all out there now and part on good terms.

I was raised Lutheran and then fell away from Christianity. I was a Pagan, an Atheist, and then Agnostic. I married a man who was raised Catholic and who also fell away and was Pagan, then Atheist, then Agnostic, and finally found his was home this past Spring. I was ok with whatever spiritual decisions he made and supported him fully in his choice. Then I decided to go to Mass just to see what he’d been doing all those Sundays. I felt a click and fell in love with the Church. I decided to convert.

I am very happy and at peace with the decision to become Catholic and have a Catholic lifestyle and home. However, it has been a HUGE adjustment and we’re still working on the day to day details. Some days are harder than others. And that is with both of us being on the same page. I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if it was just him or just me trying to live life as a Catholic. I also couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if one of us was resentful or hostile to the faith.

Being a Catholic in a largely secular world is not easy. Being married is also not easy. Being a Catholic married to a non-Catholic who may even be hostile to the faith would be an extremely hard thing to do.
 
Thank you so much for all of your prayers and advice and stories. I read all of your replies in tears. As you can tell I am in some serious need of guidance and I am so grateful for this forums helpfulness. Memaw your mothers story truly touches me and gives me hope. And Clearwater thank you for your words of wisdom. All of you seem to have gone through so much and it really gives me strength to know I am not alone.

I have definitely been questioning myself if it will all be worth it and have even run through the scenarios that you have mentioned like Thanksgiving dinner and Sunday mass. My mind always reverts to thinking that there’s a way to make it work because my love for him is still so strong but I know that I have to be able to really see the consequences of my decision based on the long run. And although I stand firm in my beliefs I can’t help but feel guilty for springing this on him when he fell in love with me 3 years ago I wasn’t the same person. I feel awful for making an ultimatum, almost like it is selfish of me to demand such things of someone I love.

As for now it’s terribly heartbreaking for me to even think of ending this relationship but if it’s in Gods plan I pray that he give me the strength to carry on. Being 24 and just now reconnecting with my faith in such a secular world, it’s hard enough dealing with figuring out who I am and what I believe and now coming to terms with loosing my relationship seems like such a daunting task. I feel so weak… and I continue to ask for your prayers. Thank you.
 
If he feels the same way you do he will understand you and respect your beliefs, the base of a relationship is love! I’m not very good in this questions but when you love someone you can do everything for him or her… If he loves you and feels the same way you do feel he will just understand and support you. You need to show him how important it is to you.
 
I also am starting to cry. With this particular thread, I didn’t know if I should mention my past. Up to now, I’ve kept that part of my life to myself in all the time I’ve been on the forum. Somehow, I just felt that you needed to hear what it could be like, how it turns out much of the time.

Now, every case is different. However, think of it this way. I know I also felt badly for changing on my husband of years like that. Even some of my friends blamed me. However, would you rather work this out now or wait till after your married? I wish I had been in your position to work this out BEFORE marriage. Yes, 3 years is a long time, but he did NOT commit to you. He has NOT married you, yet. He is free to walk out any time as are you.

In fact, he very well might. I went through a divorce. In my particular case, since we married by a Justice of the Peace, eloped, basically, were both baptized Catholic, it was a cut-and-dry case for an annulment. Yours might not end up being cut and dried if it didn’t work out.

It’s easy to marry, harder to divorce. A divorce requires a ton of money. It’s humiliating. One never quite feels the same ever again after it’s done. I wouldn’t wish a divorce on my worst enemy. It’s sort of like dying.

Practicing Catholics are supposed to marry in the Church. If not, we can sometimes get into “lack of form” issues which make the very validity of the marriage in question.

Now, as painful as this must be for you, it’d really be preferable, if either of you is having ANY doubts about this whatsoever to think careful as to whether you want to continue like this.

In a sense, it also would probably not be fair to him. Think about it. He knew you when you were probably more liberal. Then, overnight, you changed. HOWEVER, even so, we are all going to change.

A friend of mine once said women often go into marriage thinking, “I’m going to change him”, and men often go in thinking “She will always remain the same!” Neither of those scenarios should be the case. We need to go in thinking…“I love and accept him/her as he/she is!” If we can’t say that, best to call it off.

There have been cases people have realized this…at the altar…had bunch of guests, rented a tuxedo, car, banquet, all the arrangements. Still, as terrible as that must also be, it’d be preferable to undergo that humiliation than to endure a lifetime together in a relationship that isn’t the right one.

We have a saying in Spanish, “Cada oveja con su pareja”…It means “each sheep with its pair” but sounds better in Spanish since it rhymes. What it means is that ideally, Catholics should marry Catholics. Yes, you could have problems with a Catholic, too. True. However again, start off on the same page. That’s all we can do.

As hard as this must be, be glad it happened before either of you commited to a marriage. In a sense, you’re lucky, because you are in time. I was not.
 
I married a non-Catholic Christian. Big mistake, and lesson learned: I will never marry outside my faith again. I am now married to a beautiful Catholic woman.

Remember that now should be the absolute happiest time in your life, especially after dating for three years. When doubt and unhappiness cloud the relationship after this amount of time, especially when fundamental differences exist, such as faith, it’s time to move on.
 
mmblueskies said:
Thank you so much for all of your prayers and advice and stories. I read all of your replies in tears. As you can tell I am in some serious need of guidance and I am so grateful for this forums helpfulness. Memaw your mothers story truly touches me and gives me hope. And Clearwater thank you for your words of wisdom. All of you seem to have gone through so much and it really gives me strength to know I am not alone.

I have definitely been questioning myself if it will all be worth it and have even run through the scenarios that you have mentioned like Thanksgiving dinner and Sunday mass. My mind always reverts to thinking that there’s a way to make it work because my love for him is still so strong but I know that I have to be able to really see the consequences of my decision based on the long run. And although I stand firm in my beliefs I can’t help but feel guilty for springing this on him when he fell in love with me 3 years ago I wasn’t the same person. I feel awful for making an ultimatum, almost like it is selfish of me to demand such things of someone I love.

As for now it’s terribly heartbreaking for me to even think of ending this relationship but if it’s in Gods plan I pray that he give me the strength to carry on. Being 24 and just now reconnecting with my faith in such a secular world, it’s hard enough dealing with figuring out who I am and what I believe and now coming to terms with loosing my relationship seems like such a daunting task. I feel so weak… and I continue to ask for your prayers. Thank you.
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You shouldn’t feel guilty at all about “changing on him”. You are doing the right things by going back to Church and stopping the sex. I think a couple of the posters made comments that you changed on him, but it is for the better because you are going back to God and the Church. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I would seek out the support of the young adult group and try and make some new friends that can support you.
 
robwar said:
You shouldn’t feel guilty at all about “changing on him”. You are doing the right things by going back to Church and stopping the sex. I think a couple of the posters made comments that you changed on him, but it is for the better because you are going back to God and the Church. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it. I would seek out the support of the young adult group and try and make some new friends that can support you.
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Absolutely! 👍

(ones of your same faith)
 
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