At what age do parents lose their authorty over children?

[Trad_Catholic27]

I have a friendship with a friend who just turned 18 and I am 27. We met on a Catholic forum website and later exchanged cell phone numbers so we could keep in contact easier.

We are both very close friends and traditional Catholics however My friend recently told me that his parents are against our friendship because of the age difference between us.

I told him that he should obey them and that we should take a break from contacting each other until they gave him their permission to talk with me or when he moved out of his house to go to college next fall.

Did I do the right thing that God wanted me too do or did I act hastily and my family is supportive of my friendship with him because they see me as a good influence on him

 

[pamnbam]

When he’s moved out of their house and supporting himself seems to be the safest answer, though it may still vary. Although you mean well, may very well be seen as a distraction to him getting through college (which his parents might be paying for), especially since you’re old enough to have been there, done that.

 

[1ke]

At what age do parents lose their authorty over children?

Different cultures see “adulthood” at different ages. In the US, 18 is typically considered an adult.

Parents sometimes have difficulty letting their children grow up. “Forbidding” a Church based friendship seems a little odd. But, of course, a nine year age difference may seem to the parents like you are grooming him for something… I don’t know, some parents are over protective.

Since it seems this 18 year old is also still in high school (you mention going to college next fall) it would seem wise to refrain from contact if that is what the parents wish, since the friend is still dependent upon his parents.

The Church has no hard and fast ‘this is when authority ends’ sort of statement. But if you read the Catechism on the 4th commandment, you will see the Church very much states that adult children do not have to “obey” parents any longer. In fact I think it says “emancipated”. However, that term is imprecise. “Emancipated” under the law and “able to support oneself” are different things.

I believe, personally, it means when the person is considered legally an adult and can make legal decisions for themselves.

So, technically that would be 18 here in the US. But practically speaking, I would urge my friend to honor his parents wishes while they are still working through the shift from child to adult that he is going through.

I’m sure it is difficult, but surely you can find some friends your own age too. Perhaps this break is good, if you felt some sort of responsibility for this person, take stock that perhaps you were in some sort of ‘rescue’ mode or attached in an unhealthy way.

 

[Irishmom2]

When he’s moved out of their house and supporting himself seems to be the safest answer, though it may still vary. Although you mean well, may very well be seen as a distraction to him getting through college (which his parents might be paying for), especially since you’re old enough to have been there, done that.

I agree with this. At 18, there is a big age difference with a 27 year old and the parents may be uncomfortable with that. Once a “child” graduates from college, some parents may not be a s bothered by age differences. They may think that you are going to be too much of an influence on his thinking–especially if you are only friends online.

 

[Polluted]

Well because my parents divorced the answer was different.

For my father that age was 18 because he no longer considered himself responsible for me in any way shape or form (this simply meant no more child support for my mother). Thus he had no more authority.

For my mother it was when her addictions took hold and I suddenly found myself at a higher emotional maturity than her. That was around 16-18 years old.

 

[pensmama87]

I agree with this. At 18, there is a big age difference with a 27 year old and the parents may be uncomfortable with that. Once a “child” graduates from college, some parents may not be a s bothered by age differences. They may think that you are going to be too much of an influence on his thinking–especially if you are only friends online.

I know that I would be wary of such a friendship, personally. It would seem strange to me that a 27-year-old would have much in common with an 18 year old. Siblings or cousins or even long-time neighbors would be one thing, but it would be odd to me (I’m 28) to strike up any kind of particular friendship with an 18 year old.

I may be especially cautious as I was targeted online by a couple adults when I was a teen. Contact was broken before anything actually happened, thank God.

 

[maryjk]

I know that I would be wary of such a friendship, personally. It would seem strange to me that a 27-year-old would have much in common with an 18 year old. Siblings or cousins or even long-time neighbors would be one thing, but it would be odd to me (I’m 28) to strike up any kind of particular friendship with an 18 year old.

I may be especially cautious as I was targeted online by a couple adults when I was a teen. Contact was broken before anything actually happened, thank God.

I am the parent of a 20 year old.

I don’t know that I would be thrilled for him to have a friend that is 9 years older than he is. I would wonder why the 29 year old didn’t have friends his own age.

 

[Allegra]

In my opinion, authority ought to be relinquished gradually as a young person becomes more independent. However, I think that when the child moves out and is no longer dependent on their parents is when one can say the parents no longer have any authority.

 

[Bonnie]

Some 18 year olds are mature, many aren’t. Since the parents haven’t met TradCatholic, the “relationship” may have a predatory feel to the parents.

 

[Polluted]

In my opinion, authority ought to be relinquished gradually as a young person becomes more independent. However, I think that when the child moves out and is no longer dependent on their parents is when one can say the parents no longer have any authority.

I personally don’t buy that. Many cultures in the world families stay together. Only in western society is there this ideal where everyone breaks, goes off on their own and only “hangs out” at Christmas. Not to mention even in America the younger generation is having to stay at home longer and longer.

I pay the bills and therefore I have full authority over you is a crippling mindset that does NO favors to someones child and does far more harm than good. Heaven forbid you get hit by a bus and your 20 something year old or older not know how to call the shots over themselves.

 

[Trad_Catholic27]

Well most of my personal friends offline are older than me also I am living with my mother and family due to my disability.

I have some friends in my age group but most of them have jobs. Also I would have preferred if my friend’s parents would have talked to me first before jumping to conclusions about me.

Although I can understand why they are concerned because our society today is very evil and filled with dangerous individuals

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I am the parent of a 20 year old.

I don’t know that I would be thrilled for him to have a friend that is 9 years older than he is. I would wonder why the 29 year old didn’t have friends his own age.

One reason might be that there are very few young people in the area where they live that are in a similar place spiritually. I know very few of Catholics my age and younger that practice their faith and even fewer that would enjoy going to a conference or workshop type event. I actually only know one, and she just moved to the area.

 

[Trad_Catholic27]

Yes I have a very hard time finding faithful Catholic friends in my age group and area so that is why I joined the Catholic forum website so I could find friends who love the Faith as much as I do

 

[gardenswithkids]

…Parents sometimes have difficulty letting their children grow up. “Forbidding” a Church based friendship seems a little odd. But, of course, a nine year age difference may seem to the parents like you are grooming him for something… I don’t know, some parents are over protective.

Since it seems this 18 year old is also still in high school …

They met over the internet. It seems prudent to me that parents want their teenagers to be wary of strangers they encounter on the internet. In fact, I’d encourage the original poster, Trad Catholic 27, to be careful about contacts with people he meets on the internet! Good people are sometimes naïve and can be taken advantage of by people who pose as someone whom they are not. Adults that I know have encountered con-artists over the internet.

 

[EasterJoy]

Strictly speaking, a person can choose their own friends when they are self-supporting and ought to be given very wide latitude to do so if they are an adult living in someone else’s home. That starts gradually in the early teens and ought to be an established situation by 18.

For instance, if you’re living with someone else and they do not want your friends as guests, that is their choice. If you have had responsibility issues in the past, such as addiction or unreliability problems, that could fairly be traced to your choice of companionship, then that is fairly considered something that the person providing you a place to live could make a condition of continuing to live with them. Likewise, a parent with a child at home might fairly object to friends whom their live-in child is using in order to avoid becoming responsible or who is leading their child around by the nose. An adult child who doesn’t like it is free to move out and tell his or her parents to mind their own business.

That doesn’t mean that parents who are supporting a child with room, board, or tuition ought to feel they have carte blanche to rule over every aspect of their adult child’s life.

If I were in your shoes, I’d at least take the parents’ concerns seriously. It is possible for you to be an impediment to their child’s social maturation without having done anything wrong yourself. I don’t think that agreeing to a hiatus of six months or a year was wrong, at any rate. It is not a matter of obedience so much as a humble acceptance that others sometimes see things that those very close to a situation don’t see. It is a matter of respect. I would almost certainly honor the request, in your shoes.

 

[Allegra]

I personally don’t buy that. Many cultures in the world families stay together. Only in western society is there this ideal where everyone breaks, goes off on their own and only “hangs out” at Christmas. Not to mention even in America the younger generation is having to stay at home longer and longer.

I pay the bills and therefore I have full authority over you is a crippling mindset that does NO favors to someones child and does far more harm than good. Heaven forbid you get hit by a bus and your 20 something year old or older not know how to call the shots over themselves.

Actually, if you read my post more carefully, I was quite clear that parental authority should be relinquished over time as the child becomes more mature. I pretty much said the opposite of what you are saying I said. However, as long as someone owns the home you live in, they are going to have some authority over you. Even if you rent an apartment, the landlord can make rules about noise, cleanliness, guests, parking, etc. They don’t have full control of every aspect of your life, but they still maintain some appropriate authority over you. If your parents are still supporting you in multiple ways such as allowing you to live in their living space, use their utilities, paying for some of your bills, then they have some authority over you in those areas. Should they be attempting to micromanage what color nail polish you use or force you to go on a diet? No. But they can have rules regarding what guests you may have, how late you may come home, what grades they will accept, and things of that nature.

 

[Xantippe]

Actually, if you read my post more carefully, I was quite clear that parental authority should be relinquished over time as the child becomes more mature. I pretty much said the opposite of what you are saying I said. However, as long as someone owns the home you live in, they are going to have some authority over you. Even if you rent an apartment, the landlord can make rules about noise, cleanliness, guests, parking, etc. They don’t have full control of every aspect of your life, but they still maintain some appropriate authority over you. If your parents are still supporting you in multiple ways such as allowing you to live in their living space, use their utilities, paying for some of your bills, then they have some authority over you in those areas. Should they be attempting to micromanage what color nail polish you use or force you to go on a diet? No. But they can have rules regarding what guests you may have, how late you may come home, what grades they will accept, and things of that nature.

Right.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m a full grown adult and I have never and will never have online friendships. The whole idea creeps me out for no less than 35 different reasons, and I don’t believe that online friendships are a healthy use of emotional energy anyway. If my child were 18 and still living with me, of course I would try to give them a lot of latitude to make their own choices. But “online friendship” is a huge red flag to me, and it’s very likely that the “as long as you’re under my roof” card would come out in that situation. This is especially true if he were a “young” 18 or particularly immature or vulnerable.

 

[DarkLight]

I’m a full grown adult and I have never and will never have online friendships. The whole idea creeps me out for no less than 35 different reasons, and I don’t believe that online friendships are a healthy use of emotional energy anyway. If my child were 18 and still living with me, of course I would try to give them a lot of latitude to make their own choices. But “online friendship” is a huge red flag to me, and it’s very likely that the “as long as you’re under my roof” card would come out in that situation. This is especially true if he were a “young” 18 or particularly immature or vulnerable.

They can work. I’ve personally found that they’re often more stable and supportive than many of my offline friendships. Especially for today’s young adult where everyone seems to be moving every 2-3 years, the online friendships can be more stable and long-lasting than offline friendships that by and large die when one person moves away.

 

[Xantippe]

They can work. I’ve personally found that they’re often more stable and supportive than many of my offline friendships. Especially for today’s young adult where everyone seems to be moving every 2-3 years, the online friendships can be more stable and long-lasting than offline friendships that by and large die when one person moves away.

True–and a little depressing!