At what age??????

  • Thread starter Thread starter Catholic08
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Catholic08

Guest
At what age can a person start there own life? Does honor thy Father and Mother mean that you have to obey and do as they wish forever? I am in my 20’s and I want to make my own choices about stuff but I want to honor my parents.
 
Do you still live with your parents? I found my parents gave me a lot more leeway and respected my wishes once I moved out of their house.
 
I think if either of you is a dependent on the other and the parents are fulfilling their just responsibility as parents and aren’t asking you to do anything wrong and they are mentally clear, you should honor them somewhat and certainly be kind to them regardless of anyone’s age. But while you are a child you should actually obey them as authorities unles they want you to do something wrong or unless they are abusing you so that you can’t trust them. It just makes it posssible for wisdom to be passed through generations, everyone’s basic support to be provided, and people who depend on each other to live in harmony so they don’t split up and leave anyone without a livelihood.
You are an adult. If ou support yourself and so do they, then you just have to be kind and charitable to them. And take into account that they may have wisdom you could learn from, even if they ren’t always right.
Generations judge each other so harshly. Then the mother who thought her daughter was trying to be a failure sees her succeed in an unexpected way and the daughter who thought her mother just needed to get with the times sees the times change again. The grandparents who thought their son was raising his kids all wrong see the kids grow up fine. The kids who thought their grandparents were strict and angry all the time learn what would have happened to them in their day if they didn’t do their best all the time. And we learn to respect one another. I hope this helps. I don’t know that much about what kind of situation you have in mind, though.
 
**There is no reason you cannot honor your father and mother AND make your own choices. The commandment to honor our parents means that we should do as they wish (as long as it is moral) for as long as they are supporting us and then to respect their views and learn from their wisdom and guidance as we make our own choices as adults.

So, if you are still being supported by them you are kind of bound by the “it’s my house and my rules” thing. BUT if you are supporting yourself you don’t have to obey and honor their whims and desires. You should respect their advice and give it heavy weight since, as parents, they have more life experience AND the desire for your happiness, but you should always make your own choices. You have free will too.**
 
Believe it or not, this is a topic that pops up frequently here on CAF. If you use the “search” you will find many, many, many threads on it.

The short answer (and truly this is a general summation):
1.) If you live in your parents’ home, and are getting ammenities (laundry, roof over the head, cooking, etc.), OR if they are paying for you to go to college and/ or a car, etc., you owe them more than honor, you owe them obedience to the degree that they are not leading you into sin.
2.) The more you do on your own, the less “honor” takes on “obedience.” If you are living in your own place, alone or with roomies, and paying your own way, they should still be treated with respect, and their advice at least heard out.
3.) If you are married, you and your spouse form a family. You are truly one flesh, and you make your own decisions with your spouse. Depending on your parents’ needs and how they treat your new family unit (spouse, you and any future children) determines how much they enter your lives.
4.) If your parents are evil trolls sent from the dark side to cause you misery (I hope yours are nice, and you are just feeling the itch to live your own way, which is normal), you should still pray for them always; and if they need it, make sure they have food, clothing and shelter. NOW THEN- “Food” does not mean choice steak for the parents while your family and you eat tofu burger; “clothing” does not mean designer wear for the parents while your family and you wear thrift store finds; and “shelter” does not mean under your roof, or in a nice hotel while your family and you live in a run-down trailer park. It also means, if you cannot work out your differences, that you must have them over all the time, or let them cause you problems.

Does that make it clearer?🙂
 
Thanks for all the advice! and no my parents are not “evil trolls” LOL I just feel the itch to be on my own lol. I just want to make sure I am doing it right.
 
The Catechism also has a great section on this under the Ten Commandments. It outlines children’s responsibilities and also the parents’ responsibilities.
 
Catholic08 said:
Thanks for all the advice! and no my parents are not “evil trolls” LOL I just feel the itch to be on my own lol. I just want to make sure I am doing it right.
Click to expand...
I’m glad. Too many people come to CAF who do have trolls for parents. Glad you’re normal. 🙂
 
Yes, in my situation I really have to discern things my parents are telling me since now I disagree with some of the moral choices my dad makes. My mom is bipolar and can’t think rationally a good chunk of the time (not trying to be mean, that is just the way it is). They are divorced and my dad works out of the country in the caribbean and co-owns a company that builds affordable housing for people there. But when he comes to the country he “lives with” his girlfriend of 4ish years.

My mom was protestant until I was born, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t understand a lot of church teaching…I really cannot recall any deep talk about religion or Catholicism with her.

My dad was a pretty concervative Catholic (to some degree) until they divorced. He started dating and then when he met his gf now, he started having a sexual relationship with her probably 3ish years ago (after I left for college…when I came home for a break I was incredibly surprised to find them SHARING A ROOM when she would come stay with us). He also fervantly believes in birth control-----to the degree that he is mean to me when I state that I DO NOT believe in it, and that is what I believe.

So a lot of things are going to be interesting over the next year and a half because my bf just asked my dad for his blessing (bf plans to propose in the next couple of months!). My dad doesn’t know that I know, but he was VERY nice on the phone, and thankfully didn’t say anything about birth control etc (and his belief you have to “try things out” before marriage).

Anyways, due to health reasons I had to start learning the Creighton Model last July because i started seeing Dr. Hilgers for PCOS symptoms. I know that once my bf and I are engaged, my dad will try having discussions about sex with me, etc. I’m nervous about having to listen to these things that my dad is going to jump on me…I DO NOT PLAN TO BEND, but it is so frustrating that my dad will not see anything from my perspective. My bf and I are virgins and plan to keep it that way till we are married. Plus we plan to use nfp because we REALLY believe that is the way we are called to live.

Any further suggestions on how I can evade conversations about this with either of my parents? Or at least good ways to respond? I know I may have to hear them out (because as parents they may feel it is “their duty”)…
 
You politely tell your father you are an adult and you don’t tell him what to do in his life and it’s not his business what you do in yours. You plan to marry a man who will take care of and love you and beyond that, it’s not his business that you aren’t sleeping together or using birth control. (On the other hand, if you were and he was against it and you were doing it in his house, that would be his business because you were making him a party to condoning your sin.)

If you choose to exercise virtue, he’s powerless to justify his sin by attacking you. You don’t have to sit and listen. You politely get up and say you will finish the conversation when his temper cools down and then you give him a kiss goodbye and go home.

Respectfulness doesn’t mean agreeing. And you don’t need to have your values attacked by someone who doesn’t practice them.

You are old enough to make your own decisions. I suggest you and your fiance get a mentor couple in your parish. Sounds like you need that. Some people to tell you you are doing a good job and to build you up. Since your own parents can’t or won’t.

And keep praying for them.

But yes, it is time for you to start your own life. If you are beyond high school/college age and financially independent and working to support yourself and behaving responsibly, you have no apologies to make to anyone. Your parents raised you to be self-sufficient. Your desire to be so is testimony to the fact they did their job. Just keep an eye on mom. She may need it if no one else is looking out for her.
 
Of course you don’t have to obey your parents and do what they want forever lol! Now, if you are still living at home, that’s another can of beans, but you are an adult and should be able to make your own decisions.

My mom is pretty controlling. I came to these forums when DH and I were moving and my mom threw a fit!! (that’s putting it mildly) Honestly, she just can’t let her children grow up and be adults. When I told her we were moving across state I got screamed at, yelled at, persecuted…etc, etc, etc. I still honor her because I respect her as my mother, but I will absolutely NOT do what she tells me to do (she told me a bit ago she is actually praying that I’ll move back closer to where she lives) because she only wants an unhealthy amount of control over my life.

You are in your 20’s. Go out and make a life for yourself! There is no “right way” of going about this! If they don’t agree with you doing this, then that is another issue as well. They should have no issues with you starting your own life and making your own decisions in life.
 
Catholic08 said:
At what age can a person start there own life? Does honor thy Father and Mother mean that you have to obey and do as they wish forever? I am in my 20’s and I want to make my own choices about stuff but I want to honor my parents.
Click to expand...
That commandment works both ways. You owe them honor but you don’t owe them blind obedience if they are wanting to control your life choices. You are an adult and have to make your own choices.

Yes, if you live in their house you should obey the house rules but those rules shouldn’t dictate who you date, what you decide to do for a living, what courses to take in University, etc. I wouldn’t have dreamed of imposing a curfew on an adult child. The house rules were
  1. If you’re going to be out all night, phone and let us know so that we don’t worry.
  2. If you won’t be here for a meal, it’s common courtesy to call and let me know so that I don’t cook for you or wait for you to show up.
  3. No sex, drugs or illegal activities in our home (and preferably nowhere else).
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top