At what point do you just give up?

[sydney28]

I am in a relationship with a devout, Catholic man. He is 36, I am 34. We have known each other over a year now, and during that time have dated off and on. We are an unlikely pair - we met online (Ave Maria Singles) and I’m convinced that if we had met in a conventional way (in person) I never would have been interested. Our personalities are night and day different, we have completely opposite tastes in just about everything from music to food to humor, yet we seem to balance each other out and complement each other really well.

I love him, he loves me. We are best friends and are attracted to each other physically. We met while he was praying earnestly for God to please send him his spouse (after he had gone through discernment to become a priest and discerned a call to marriage instead) and I was in the middle of a 54-day rosary novena praying specifically to meet my future husband. We lived in different states at the time, but I was easily able to transfer my work and move to his city so we could try dating without being long-distance. God has seemingly made lots of provisions over the past year to keep us close to each other (geographically)

We have the same values, faith-wise, and both appreciate the more traditional style of mass. We rarely fight, and when we do, it is resolved quickly. He has a great family who I get along with, and he gets along with mine as well.

The problem? We can’t seem to fall in love with each other. I have been married before (received a declaration of nullity several years ago) and know without a doubt I was never in love with my previous husband. I got married out of fear, and was not excited about my wedding day. I can’t imagine getting married again without being excited about it. If my boyfriend and I were to marry now, it would be fine. We would probably have a good, solid, happy marriage…but I do not have a sense of “I can’t live without him” or “I can’t wait to spend my life with this man”. He does not have that sense either, yet we are constantly drawn back together even when we amicably break up.

I guess my ultimate questions are: are we expecting too much? Can we fall in love eventually? If it hasn’t happened after a year+ of dating, does that mean it likely won’t ever happen? I certainly don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be so picky - I’m not getting any younger…

I had a priest tell me in confession recently that my “biological clock is ticking and I shouldn’t be so picky about finding a husband…and there are lots of good Catholic men out there to marry…and I may not find someone rich or handsome…” :-/ While I see his “advice” was somewhat flawed, I do know that the priest in the confessional does speak for Jesus (even if maybe his delivery isn’t the best…) and perhaps I need to give up on the idea of “falling in love” and focus on what is more important? A good Catholic man?

I would love to hear thoughts - especially from those who are married…and maybe those who got married later in life, or have been through a failed marriage.

Thank you!

 

[EasterJoy]

You are the one who needs to decide if you would rather not marry at all than marry this man and find out later that you are not satisfied with the marriage. You can’t promise to feel a certain way and you can’t be promised that there will be certain feelings in your marriage. All you can do is to be honest, revealing what your would-be husband wants to know as he asks you (or at least revealing that you aren’t willing to reveal it, rather than denying there is anything to reveal), and promising no more than you are going to do.

You’re the only who knows if you can decide to be content without feeling hair-on-fire about this man or not. You’re the only one who knows if you want to promise to be faithful and to love him as much as another human being ought to be loved even when you don’t feel contented. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. You have to decide. The only “right” answer is that once you promise, you need to do what you promised to do, to the best of your ability.

Some people never get that “swept-off-your-feet” feeling, and some never get it after the first time. Some people mean something different by “that feeling” than others. There is no guarantee you’ll ever have such a feeling again no matter how many men you meet, biological clock or not, and no guarantee you’ll never feel that way about anyone else even if you feel it to the nth degree on the day you marry.

Is it possible you will have it, even though you haven’t had it yet? Sure, if something comes up and shows a side of him you had not realized or appreciated, you could still get this feeling about him. It depends on what it takes to make you feel that way. The longer you know him, though, the less likely you’ll be surprised, particularly if you have decided that there aren’t any surprises coming (ironically enough, it does get to be a self-fulfilling prophesy).

 

[Kal2012]

I guess my ultimate questions are: are we expecting too much? Can we fall in love eventually? If it hasn’t happened after a year+ of dating, does that mean it likely won’t ever happen? I certainly don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be so picky - I’m not getting any younger…

I had a priest tell me in confession recently that my “biological clock is ticking and I shouldn’t be so picky about finding a husband…and there are lots of good Catholic men out there to marry…and I may not find someone rich or handsome…” :-/ While I see his “advice” was somewhat flawed, I do know that the priest in the confessional does speak for Jesus (even if maybe his delivery isn’t the best…) and perhaps I need to give up on the idea of “falling in love” and focus on what is more important? A good Catholic man?

Thank you!

1. EasterJoy’s right. Not everyone who’s married has “that feeling”. There are men that I’ve had more chemistry with, but I didn’t marry for chemistry.
2. People put too much stock in waiting for “Mr (or Ms) Right”. If you can answer to the “do you think that your life with this person will lead you in the direction you want to go?” with a yes, then marry the guy.

Sometimes, I feel like I settled, but then I realize that a primary motivation for me was that I didn’t want to wait for another single, solid conservative guy to walk into my life. I felt it was my duty to snag him up as quickly as I could. I had a good guy in my life. I was happy with him. Why would I want to dump him and go back to being single and dream about a dream guy when I had one version of that in my life?

Was my spouse perfect - uh, no. He decided that he really wasn’t a ‘believer’ and that was part of why I was attracted to him. However, we still shared a lot of the same values and these days I’m a convert to Catholicism, my spouse goes to mass with me and our son. Spouse is still working on ‘believing’, but we are on the same page, more or less these days.

You are never going to get perfect. I’m happy to be married to “good enough, but perfect for me.” I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.

 

[LongingSoul]

This is my 2cents however my experiences are relatively limited. I have experienced in my life being ‘in love’ with someone completely inappropriate. I have also experienced ‘settling’ for stable, reliable, buddy type.

At 52, my advice to my kids is neither of those guarantees happiness or contentment in a relationship. Make the effort to treat a spouse like a woman or man you love. Be attentive, loving, affectionate, respectful,appreciative and esteem each other as ‘the wife’ or ‘the husband’. You don’t have to feel ‘in love’ to make that work.

The worst thing a couple can do is take each other for granted. If one is giving more than receiving of attention and affection, that is a recipe for disaster.

 

[Caroline723]

I think this is a very subjective issue. Some people never fall in love, but have very happy marriages. A friend of mine is happily married to someone that she settled for (in the sense that she was never madly in love with him). He is a good husband and father, a good man.

I am in a relationship with a man I am madly in love with, but who is troubled, unreliable and suffers from depression. I know marriage to him would be very difficult, and I have spent many hours in rosaries, novenas and reflection on trying to discern what God’s Will is for me. I always return to a strong sense that my vocation to marriage is with him, and if I don’t marry him, I won’t marry. But I know marriage to him would be a life full of highs and lows, because of his emotional issues.

My friend was madly in love twice before, and one man left her for someone else, and the other became a priest. It is hard for me to believe her when she says that she is convinced that the man she married is the man God intended for her. The relationship lacks some of the emotional closeness she felt with the prior guys, but she is satisfied overall with her life.

What I am trying to say is that no relationship is everything. You could wait to fall madly in love with someone; it may not happen, or it may happen with someone who brings other baggage. Some of what you feel may be related to being married before. There may be part of you that fears getting hurt again, so you don’t want to get too attached. I think it’s a good sign you are physically attracted to each other. The Jansenism that seems hardwired into many of us Catholics tries to tell us this not to be given serious weight, but statistically, a strong physical relationship is consistently present in the happiest and lasting marriages. You have a whole lifetime together to fall in love.

 

[1ke]

I love him, he loves me. We are best friends and are attracted to each other physically.

The problem? We can’t seem to fall in love with each other.

These two statements are at odds with each other.

So what do you REALLY mean when you say you can’t seem to fall in love with each other?

Are you confusing infatuation with love?

 

[SuperLuigi]

A few things to conisder:

1. Anxiety. If you have a problem with this (I don’t get this vibe from your post), then you need to figure out what is real for and what isn’t right now.
2. You need to be careful about too high expectations. I did encounter this on an occasion or two and all I could do when I saw that was say “psh, good luck with THAT!”

If you’re too picky, you’re doing yourself a disservice and could find yourself older and alone for that reason.

1. Attraction. I really can’t come on here and tell someone to marry someone he/she is not attracted to.
2. When you start getting a little older, like late 20s, 30s: in terms of dating good Catholics, it’s a man’s market. I think there are simply more choices for men. :yup:

All in all, I don’t think you should every marry someone you are not attracted to. Being a good Catholic just isn’t enough sometimes, and you know, I think that’s okay, because I think it’s a big strike against a marriage if you’re not attacted to them.

I’ve been married a couple years now, and my wife embodied a lot of what I wanted in a woman. She wasn’t perfect, but neither was I.

To paraphrase Nicky and Sila Lee, eventually in a marriage you make the choice to love your partner once the honeymoon phase is over.

So don’t marry someone you really are not attracted to, and this isn’t necessarily (or just) measured by feeling utopian happy on your wedding day (there HAS to be more to it than that), I think, but don’t be in the position of chasing a perfect phantom man that practically speaking may not or does not exist.

 

[SuperLuigi]

These two statements are at odds with each other.

So what do you REALLY mean when you say you can’t seem to fall in love with each other?

Are you confusing infatuation with love?

Good catch!

Please think about this, Sydney.

 

[bsf]

These two statements are at odds with each other.

So what do you REALLY mean when you say you can’t seem to fall in love with each other?

Are you confusing infatuation with love?

How ironic 1ke. I made the assumption that she was actually differentiating infatuation and the choice to love. I equate “in love” with infatuation. Can the OP clear this up?

 

[petra22]

1. EasterJoy’s right. Not everyone who’s married has “that feeling”. There are men that I’ve had more chemistry with, but I didn’t marry for chemistry.
2. People put too much stock in waiting for “Mr (or Ms) Right”. If you can answer to the “do you think that your life with this person will lead you in the direction you want to go?” with a yes, then marry the guy.

Sometimes, I feel like I settled, but then I realize that a primary motivation for me was that I didn’t want to wait for another single, solid conservative guy to walk into my life. I felt it was my duty to snag him up as quickly as I could. I had a good guy in my life. I was happy with him. Why would I want to dump him and go back to being single and dream about a dream guy when I had one version of that in my life?

Was my spouse perfect - uh, no. He decided that he really wasn’t a ‘believer’ and that was part of why I was attracted to him. However, we still shared a lot of the same values and these days I’m a convert to Catholicism, my spouse goes to mass with me and our son. Spouse is still working on ‘believing’, but we are on the same page, more or less these days.

You are never going to get perfect. I’m happy to be married to “good enough, but perfect for me.” I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.

I love your story. Thanks for sharing!: love:

 

[sydney28]

First, thanks for all the thoughtful responses so far. I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut!

To answer the following question:

These two statements are at odds with each other.

So what do you REALLY mean when you say you can’t seem to fall in love with each other?

Are you confusing infatuation with love?

I don’t think so…I absolutely know that love is a choice, and that in marriage you will choose to love your spouse even when the “in love” feeling isn’t there.

I think my question/problem lies in the fact that the “in love” feeling should BE there initially, right? Every one of my good Catholic friends who have married recently (and these are all solid, sacramental marriages) have been excited to marry their fiancee. They use phrases like he is the “love of my life” or “I can’t wait to marry him”.

I would not use any such phrase with my boyfriend. I love him, yes, in a “I am choosing to love you” way. But I feel like that “choose to love” is the part that kicks in AFTER marriage, not while you are dating someone.

And yes, we have physical attraction to each other - that is certainly there, but we are both lacking that “I can’t imagine being with anyone else” sense. Or the “I WANT to marry you” feeling. The mutual feeling seems to be that we know if we got married it would work, and we would help each other get to heaven, and it would be fine. I guess “fine” is just not the word I would hope to use to describe my marriage or my wedding.

And I also worry that there is a fear of “I’m 34, I am running out of time if I hope to have children, this is a good Catholic man, we should just stop being ridiculous and get married already”. But then I think, that is NOT a good reason to marry someone… :-/ And also, I would hope that my husband actually wants to marry ME, not just marry me because we are both getting older and it seems like God has put us together for some reason.

 

[Xantippe]

I am in a relationship with a devout, Catholic man. He is 36, I am 34. We have known each other over a year now, and during that time have dated off and on. We are an unlikely pair - we met online (Ave Maria Singles) and I’m convinced that if we had met in a conventional way (in person) I never would have been interested. Our personalities are night and day different, we have completely opposite tastes in just about everything from music to food to humor, yet we seem to balance each other out and complement each other really well.

I love him, he loves me. We are best friends and are attracted to each other physically. We met while he was praying earnestly for God to please send him his spouse (after he had gone through discernment to become a priest and discerned a call to marriage instead) and I was in the middle of a 54-day rosary novena praying specifically to meet my future husband. We lived in different states at the time, but I was easily able to transfer my work and move to his city so we could try dating without being long-distance. God has seemingly made lots of provisions over the past year to keep us close to each other (geographically)

We have the same values, faith-wise, and both appreciate the more traditional style of mass. We rarely fight, and when we do, it is resolved quickly. He has a great family who I get along with, and he gets along with mine as well.

The problem? We can’t seem to fall in love with each other. I have been married before (received a declaration of nullity several years ago) and know without a doubt I was never in love with my previous husband. I got married out of fear, and was not excited about my wedding day. I can’t imagine getting married again without being excited about it. If my boyfriend and I were to marry now, it would be fine. We would probably have a good, solid, happy marriage…but I do not have a sense of “I can’t live without him” or “I can’t wait to spend my life with this man”. He does not have that sense either, yet we are constantly drawn back together even when we amicably break up.

I guess my ultimate questions are: are we expecting too much? Can we fall in love eventually? If it hasn’t happened after a year+ of dating, does that mean it likely won’t ever happen? I certainly don’t want to settle, but I also don’t want to be so picky - I’m not getting any younger…

I had a priest tell me in confession recently that my “biological clock is ticking and I shouldn’t be so picky about finding a husband…and there are lots of good Catholic men out there to marry…and I may not find someone rich or handsome…” :-/ While I see his “advice” was somewhat flawed, I do know that the priest in the confessional does speak for Jesus (even if maybe his delivery isn’t the best…) and perhaps I need to give up on the idea of “falling in love” and focus on what is more important? A good Catholic man?

I would love to hear thoughts - especially from those who are married…and maybe those who got married later in life, or have been through a failed marriage.

Thank you!

1. You should actually be excited about getting married. Is there something about his habits that is an obstacle to you being more excited about being with him?
2. I think your confessor’s advice was a heck of a thing to tell a lady who had already had an annulment. He shouldn’t be egging you on to jump into marriage, given that the previous attempt was not a success.
3. On the other hand, if both of you are willing to marry just to marry, have companionship and have a family and you are managing your expectations, that is totally OK–you like each other and you’re physically attracted and you share values. Everything is there except actually wanting to marry.
4. If you want to marry him, marry him. If you don’t, don’t.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think your confessor’s advice was a heck of a thing to tell a lady who had already had an annulment. He shouldn’t be egging you on to jump into marriage, given that the previous attempt was not a success.

Yes, although in fairness we did not hear the whole conversation. If she is determined to marry and have children and she’s 34 years old, it would not be out of place to say, “hey, for this guy’s sake, make a decision, here, because you need a certain amount of time if you’re going to start from scratch and take a reasonable amount of time to discern with the new guy, if you find him.” She is already at an age where her fertility may be declining, and she may have confided to this priest that she hopes to have more than just one pregnancy. That is not guaranteed at 25, but is certainly not guaranteed when the bride and groom are past 35.

It would be better not to be so determined to marry and have children that you rush into a marriage in which you cannot promise to give your spouse all the love, honor, and cherishing that he deserves. Maybe you can decide for yourself that you’re going to “settle,” but for his sake you’d better be in with both feet and ready to give him your all.

You always have to do that, though. No matter how fast your heart is beating on your wedding day, there are going to be days when your heart isn’t in it later on down the line. Those are the days when the promise part comes in, because you owe it to your spouse to “get your head in the game” and love him as a husband deserves to be loved, rather than taking him for granted and giving him less because you rationalize that you yourself “settled.” Yeah, well, he gave all expecting all, and he deserves the same back. Be ready to give it, or let him go to find someone who will.

 

[Xantippe]

First, thanks for all the thoughtful responses so far. I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut!

To answer the following question:

I don’t think so…I absolutely know that love is a choice, and that in marriage you will choose to love your spouse even when the “in love” feeling isn’t there.

I think my question/problem lies in the fact that the “in love” feeling should BE there initially, right? Every one of my good Catholic friends who have married recently (and these are all solid, sacramental marriages) have been excited to marry their fiancee. They use phrases like he is the “love of my life” or “I can’t wait to marry him”.

I would not use any such phrase with my boyfriend. I love him, yes, in a “I am choosing to love you” way. But I feel like that “choose to love” is the part that kicks in AFTER marriage, not while you are dating someone.

And yes, we have physical attraction to each other - that is certainly there, but we are both lacking that “I can’t imagine being with anyone else” sense. Or the “I WANT to marry you” feeling. The mutual feeling seems to be that we know if we got married it would work, and we would help each other get to heaven, and it would be fine. I guess “fine” is just not the word I would hope to use to describe my marriage or my wedding.

And I also worry that there is a fear of “I’m 34, I am running out of time if I hope to have children, this is a good Catholic man, we should just stop being ridiculous and get married already”. But then I think, that is NOT a good reason to marry someone… :-/ And also, I would hope that my husband actually wants to marry ME, not just marry me because we are both getting older and it seems like God has put us together for some reason.

Forget about being excited to actually marry–you may be a little too “been there done that” to be girlishly excited about a wedding. But I’d ask, do you want to be his wife?

How would you feel if you broke up with him and another woman married him? Would it crush you to lose him forever, or would you just freshen up your Ave Maria Singles profile and sign up for a knitting class and move on?

The problem is, if you break up, you probably won’t be able to keep him as a friend, particularly not if either of you marries. How do you feel about that?

 

[Xantippe]

I’d say give it at most another six months to see if any more important information about him pops out. 36 is kind of old for a Catholic guy not to have married before, unless he’s an older revert or something like that.

 

[sydney28]

All good insights…thanks again

-About the priest in confession: I was confessing jealousy/envy about friends much younger than me getting engaged and married. His advice followed. Telling me that at 34, almost 35, I need to not be so picky, and that there are “plenty of good Catholic men” looking for a wife! (which I found humorous since I was not asked on a single date in the three years post my divorce/annulment) He did not know that I had been through a failed marriage already, however.

• I feel like I should reiterate that my boyfriend and I are exactly on the same page here - neither of us have the “I can’t wait to marry you” feeling. So, it’s not just that he is all gung ho and ready to propose and I’m sitting here like “ehhhhh…just not feelin’ it…”
• Both of us being older and devout Catholics is what is making us both question whether the “feeling” is important, or whether we are being swayed by the secular world who tends to put more weight on the “being in love” rather than the “love is a choice”. We wonder if there is a practicality to Catholic sacramental marriage that we are just ignoring. The “you need to choose someone who will get you and your children to Heaven” part. That is there for both of us - I know we could help each other get to Heaven and I know he would be a good father and spiritual leader.
• I guess it all boils down to not being excited about marrying him, and wondering if I am settling for this relationship rather than trusting that God would bring me a man who has all these things PLUS is someone I WANT to marry with all my heart. I admit that I doubt that will happen…based on past experience and based on many of my Catholic girl friends who are my age or older and are still single, yet long to get married and fulfill their vocation to wife and mother.

 

[sydney28]

Forget about being excited to actually marry–you may be a little too “been there done that” to be girlishly excited about a wedding. But I’d ask, do you want to be his wife?

How would you feel if you broke up with him and another woman married him? Would it crush you to lose him forever, or would you just freshen up your Ave Maria Singles profile and sign up for a knitting class and move on?

The problem is, if you break up, you probably won’t be able to keep him as a friend, particularly not if either of you marries. How do you feel about that?

I don’t think I would be crushed…I would be more disappointed that it didn’t work out and I have to start all over again from scratch. I think it would also be confusing as to why we were brought together in the first place…why I moved three states away from my home and family to be in the same city with him only to have it end. But it wouldn’t be a “my heart is broken” feeling. More of a disappointment and frustration

 

[Groo]

Some decisions are better made from the heart than the head. I think marriage is one of them.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like your heart is saying “no” but your head is saying “yes”. This post seems to be about overruling your heart.

And if you marry because you are afraid of never finding a suitable partner, is that the kind of trust that God asks of us?

 

[EasterJoy]

All good insights…thanks again

-About the priest in confession: I was confessing jealousy/envy about friends much younger than me getting engaged and married. His advice followed. Telling me that at 34, almost 35, I need to not be so picky, and that there are “plenty of good Catholic men” looking for a wife! (which I found humorous since I was not asked on a single date in the three years post my divorce/annulment) He did not know that I had been through a failed marriage already, however.

• I feel like I should reiterate that my boyfriend and I are exactly on the same page here - neither of us have the “I can’t wait to marry you” feeling. So, it’s not just that he is all gung ho and ready to propose and I’m sitting here like “ehhhhh…just not feelin’ it…”
• Both of us being older and devout Catholics is what is making us both question whether the “feeling” is important, or whether we are being swayed by the secular world who tends to put more weight on the “being in love” rather than the “love is a choice”. We wonder if there is a practicality to Catholic sacramental marriage that we are just ignoring. The “you need to choose someone who will get you and your children to Heaven” part. That is there for both of us - I know we could help each other get to Heaven and I know he would be a good father and spiritual leader.
• I guess it all boils down to not being excited about marrying him, and wondering if I am settling for this relationship rather than trusting that God would bring me a man who has all these things PLUS is someone I WANT to marry with all my heart. I admit that I doubt that will happen…based on past experience and based on many of my Catholic girl friends who are my age or older and are still single, yet long to get married and fulfill their vocation to wife and mother.

Do not marry out of the fear that no one else will come along. Fear is a bad reason to marry. You need to choose marriage positively.

As for the excited part, ask yourself if you are the kind who gets excited about someone you actually know well–not just boyfriends, but teachers, co-workers, female friends, and so on. Does anybody’s society really thrill you, once you know all their warts? If you’ve never been excited about someone after you get to know them well, even though you have an affection that makes satisfying friendships and working relationship possible, then it is reasonable that being excited on your wedding day is not in accord with the way your emotional life operates. If the reality has this way of settling you down and keeping your heart rate steady, that is OK. Do ask yourself if the absence of ever having romantic excitement in marriage is going to be a temptation with regards to giving you an excuse to be less ardent about keeping your marriage promises, but don’t think that people can’t be happily married without being excited on their wedding day. That just isn’t the way everyone is.

 

[sydney28]

Some decisions are better made from the heart than the head. I think marriage is one of them.

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like your heart is saying “no” but your head is saying “yes”. This post seems to be about overruling your heart.

And if you marry because you are afraid of never finding a suitable partner, is that the kind of trust that God asks of us?

I think you are right about the heart/head thing…but I think my worry is that we are overlooking LOTS of good things because of the ONE thing that isn’t “clicking” (the heart).

And yes, I know that I have trust issues with God on this matter - but I think my issues are founded in the fact that I have already failed at marriage once, am getting old - close to the point where I can’t have children, have made lots of mistakes in the past, and have seen my much more devout friends who are even older than I am still not find their spouse either, despite fervent prayer.

Even if you look on the Catholic dating sites - when you narrow the search to guys in your reasonable age range who actually follow the Church’s teachings, there are VERY few. Then find the ones of that group who you are actually attracted to? Hardly any.

So yeah…I feel sometimes like a girl in a war-stricken country where all the eligible men have literally been called away to war and there truly aren’t any left to marry. Dramatic? perhaps…but in the times we live in, our men face a secular battle against satan, and to find one who is devoted to his faith is becoming harder and harder.