At what point do you let go and file for divorce?

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Re Green1 and Angels Unaware, this happened to my mother. Her attorney refused to help her in her greatest need, so that she had to find another attorney. I guess her initial attorney didn’t like her hairstyle. Well, more exactly he thought that my mother was to blame, and my father made a good impression on him. Then, some 2 years later, this attorney stopped my mother and apologized to her. He told that he saw my father downtown several times with different women, and he also saw my mother several times, but only with her children and/or with her sister. So, he changed his mind about who was at fault in that divorce, but unfortunately he wasn’t on my mother’s side initially when he was her attorney and when my mother needed his help.

 

[BMB]

BMB Your story is exactly like mine. My ex even converted to Catholicism a year before we were married!

What is wrong with these men? I will never understand the deception and lack of commitment to their vows.

I gave my ex time and a chance to change and come back. He even went to confession and begged me not to get the divorce one week before it would be final. Yet he couldn’t agree to be the man I needed. He just kept asking for me to save him and that I was obligated to take him back.

I am afraid of dh’s manipulative behavior. …afraid of the possibility of a “showdown” without his honest intention to change. How would I KNOW if he meant it or not? I keep reminding myself… “don’t trust him…. He is a liar!, a charming but self-serving liar” Until I SEE him getting counseling and medical attention for his illness, and have proof she is gone from his life I have no choice but to continue this path of emotional separation.

I hope that your attorney is fantastic and an advocate for you.

She is ok. I have a court ordered “decree of separate support and maintenance” that spells out asset division, alimony, visitation etc.

He agreed to everything I asked for (because I am fair to a fault). He did not retain a lawyer and agreed all in court before a judge. The judge keep questioning him… have you had enough time to consider the financial aspect of the decree… etc? I did not file under “adultery” but got the financial settlement as if I did. The judge thought dh was crazy.

I am a bit concerned about visitation as I have sole physical custody, but he has visitation rights that are non-specific at this point. I hope this doesn’t leave me open to a fight later. It will kill me if my youngest becomes a pawn in his life if he marries his girlfriend. Oh no… never though of the discipline issue if he marries her.

Also try to do your annulment paperwork as soon as you possibly can.

Auugh… I cant’ get my mind around this. I had no idea he would turn out this way… I NEVER believed I would be here! Perhaps my counselor can help me discern if I have grounds. May I ask if your annulment was successful? Was it based on a defect of character? If this is too personal, please excuse me - just wondering if these men actually ever intended to live the faith they converted to prior to marriage.

It gives me hope that you are able to trust a man with your life again. Unimaginable to me at this point, but thank you SO much for the information and support!

 

[BMB]

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…he thought that my mother was to blame, and my father made a good impression on him. Then, some 2 years later, this attorney stopped my mother and apologized to her.

So, eventually the TRUTH did come out! Did your mother ever get an annulment / remarry? She sounds like such a strong person. I’m sure she is very proud of you. I hope my children turn out as compassionate and devout.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Re Green1 and Angels Unaware, this happened to my mother. Her attorney refused to help her in her greatest need, so that she had to find another attorney. I guess her initial attorney didn’t like her hairstyle. Well, more exactly he thought that my mother was to blame, and my father made a good impression on him. Then, some 2 years later, this attorney stopped my mother and apologized to her. He told that he saw my father downtown several times with different women, and he also saw my mother several times, but only with her children and/or with her sister. So, he changed his mind about who was at fault in that divorce, but unfortunately he wasn’t on my mother’s side initially when he was her attorney and when my mother needed his help.

This is not unusual. I recommend that when you retain an attorney for a divorce, you try to choose one with enough life experience and enough intelligence to be fair and open to your side of the story. Your best bet is to look for an attorney who is at least 40, though that isn’t a guranatee you won’t get a bad attorney who refuses to do his or her job.

The second thing I recommend is to make it clear from the very first meeting that you have a strong expectation that the attorney will not make deals with the other attorney or discuss deals with the other attorney without you present at the meeting. Also, make it very clear you have a strong expectation that your attorney will not take phone calls or messages from your ex. You would be amazed at how very common it is for men to show up on their ex’s lawyer’s doorstep looking to swindle and manipulate them, and even more amazed at how many ignorant lawyers who have no experience with men like this allow it.(they aren’t trained as psychologists, after all, and I kind of think they should get some training in that field if they practice family law.)

The third thing I recommend is that you make it clear from the beginning, before you retain your attorney, that you are reserving the right to ask for a second opinion about your settlement.

 

[BMB]

Friends, I’d like to end this thread as I believe I have come to the realization that it is time for me to 'let go" of my dysfunctional marriage. Divorce? We’ll see. Legal separation and emotional detachment from this abusive relationship, absolutely.

Thank you for all the advice that you have given and will hopefully continue to give on another thread - “ending a relationship”. Please continue to pray for me and my children & dh as I follow the road God has set me on.