Atheist Brother-in-Law And My Stepson

[PaulTBC]

First time posting here, hope some folks can help.

My wife and I have been married just over four years and she has a son (Matt) from a previous relationship. She was away from the church for quite awhile when Matt was growing but returned before we were married. Since Matt didn’t grow up going to Mass, etc he hasn’t been very enthusiastic about it.

Things came to a head a few months ago when my wife’s younger brother got a transfer to the military base in our city. He has sort of become Matt’s big brother figure, which normally be great. My brother in law (Brock) is a veteran (two tours in afghanistan with Canadian Forces), nice guy, very funny, always willing to help out. Problem is he is an atheist. Matt has been hanging out with him quite a bit as Matt is in Army Cadets, wants to join the military, loves all Brock’s war stories, goes to play paintball with him or hang out with him after school playing xbox. Matt has never really been keen on church though we make him go, I think he is just paying lipservice to keep his mom happy.

Thing is he wants to stop going to religious education and has no interest in confirmation. Most recently he said he doesn’t really believe in it and he wouldn’t feel right lying and saying he did. I had a chat with him and a lot of this seems to come from a talk he had with Brock who told him he has to stand up for his own beliefs and has some fairly negative things to say about religion (like taking it too seriously results in the taliban, stuff like that). I spoke to Brock and he said Matt is upset about us “forcing” him into “our” religion and told Matt that sooner or later he needs to figure things outfor himself. On one hand we have been thinking about telling Matt not to hang out with him but on the other we think Brock is mostly a positive influence on Matt. Not sure what to do. Any advice?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Thing is he wants to stop going to religious education and has no interest in confirmation. If it was mine, I’d say, “Well, we can’t force you to be confirmed (and you can’t). However, we expect you to go to religious education (and youth group if there is one). This is non-negotiable.” As you have not said how old Matt is, or I am getting too old to see how old Matt is, I’m guessing somewhere between 13 and 17. If Matt is older than 15, dragging him to Mass may cause more trouble. So I’m out of ideas there:shrug:. Most recently he said he doesn’t really believe in it and he wouldn’t feel right lying and saying he did. You and your wife need to say, “Well, I appreciate your honesty, but it’s better that you know what you’re planning on not doing, so you’ll be going.” I had a chat with him and a lot of this seems to come from a talk he had with Brock who told him he has to stand up for his own beliefs and has some fairly negative things to say about religion (like taking it too seriously results in the taliban, stuff like that). I spoke to Brock and he said Matt is upset about us “forcing” him into “our” religion and told Matt that sooner or later he needs to figure things outfor himself. On one hand we have been thinking about telling Matt not to hang out with him but on the other we think Brock is mostly a positive influence on Matt. This is up to your wife. She needs to sit down with her brother and tell him he is interfering in her raising of Matt, and while you both appreciate the positive effect he has on Matt insofar as the other stuff goes, he needs to button it when it comes to religion. It’s just that simple. But she has to be the one to do it. It’s her brother. You do it, and you look like an interfering johnny-come-lately.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**All of these family situations are so difficult to figure out because they are all so unique.

But here is my take on yours…

Stepson never really had any faith so it’s not like BIL caused a devout young man to suddenly stray. Chances are he is only putting into words what your stepson has been feeling.

If you think BIL is an overall positive influence I wouldn’t rock the boat. It will only push stepson further away from your and your wife’s influence and cause him to shut down. He is going through a really difficult time and has found a “buddy” who can help him get through life.

At this point I think (my opinion only) that you should insist on Mass as a family because it is what you as a family do. But you cannot force him to participate, desire to be confirmed or want to be Catholic. What you can insist on is that he continue with RE because it is only education. Knowledge can’t hurt him.

You and your wife need to just sit back and be positive examples of the faith and not push him. Pushing anyone, but especially a teenager will only have the opposite effect…and usually to the extreme. Encourage open dialogue where the faith can be talked about and explained. It is ok for him to have questions, it’s important that you answer him honestly. Yes, religion taken to the extreme can result in some bad things. That’s true. But it can also result in a lot of good. You and your wife need to show him that good**.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I think Malia’s advice is spot on. If your step-son was not raised with anything, expecting him to all of a sudden embrace it is not realistic. By being open to his opinion and giving a good example of a Catholic family, this will do a lot more to bring him into the faith than by pushing him into it.

I think insisting that he attend mass with the family is good; however, I do differ that I would not force the RE though I would strongly encourage it and I would also encourage the youth group participation. That’s just my two cents, though.

I do think it’s unfair to blame your brother-in-law. I would just encourage the positive influences your BIL has with your step-son.

 

[PaulTBC]

I do think it’s unfair to blame your brother-in-law. I would just encourage the positive influences your BIL has with your step-son.

First, thanks to everyone for the advice!

I’m not sure I really blame my brother-in-law, it is just that his presence is the new factor that has changed things. Honestly I think Feanaro’s Wife is right and my brother in law has just helped Matt find a voice for what he is really feeling. And Brock (my brother in law) has probably had to make a lot harder choices in his life than I have (he was an infantry soldier in afghanistan and has seen his friends hurt and killed, may have killed people himself, etc). I think my wife and I are really to blame if anyone is because we’ve been happy with the status quo of Matt just going through the motions at church. He’s a good kid overall, especially when I look at some other young teens, does well in school and stays out of trouble. He is very independent though as his mom is a nurse and does shift work. Because of that even going to mass regularly is new to him, as is religious education. Thing is he goes because we ask him, not because he wants to or has any interest. He has been very good about reading material that is given to him, but this has also caused some problems in itself. For instance, soon after he started RE again in September the instructor told him if he had unconfessed mortal sins or didn’t believe then he wasn’t supposed to take communion, so he stopped. I think it has been escalating since then in his RE classes and that he is feeling left out.

 

[Nanny_PK]

First, thanks to everyone for the advice!

I’m not sure I really blame my brother-in-law, it is just that his presence is the new factor that has changed things. Honestly I think Feanaro’s Wife is right and my brother in law has just helped Matt find a voice for what he is really feeling. And Brock (my brother in law) has probably had to make a lot harder choices in his life than I have (he was an infantry soldier in afghanistan and has seen his friends hurt and killed, may have killed people himself, etc). I think my wife and I are really to blame if anyone is because we’ve been happy with the status quo of Matt just going through the motions at church. He’s a good kid overall, especially when I look at some other young teens, does well in school and stays out of trouble. He is very independent though as his mom is a nurse and does shift work. Because of that even going to mass regularly is new to him, as is religious education. Thing is he goes because we ask him, not because he wants to or has any interest. He has been very good about reading material that is given to him, but this has also caused some problems in itself. For instance, soon after he started RE again in September the instructor told him if he had unconfessed mortal sins or didn’t believe then he wasn’t supposed to take communion, so he stopped. I think it has been escalating since then in his RE classes and that he is feeling left out.

Just keep doing what you’re doing. It sounds like you and your wife are doing the best you can with what you have to work with now. You never know what little tiny seed you’re planting for his future.

God bless!!!

 

[Thomas63116]

This is a tricky situation. It sounds like you have a teenage son who is smart and well-behaved, but is starting to have a lot of doubts about his faith. That seems normal and age-appropriate. His relationship with his uncle who has no faith may be contributing to his doubts and questions, but is probably not the only source.

Personally, I think it would be a bad idea to try to cut off his relationship with his uncle. He sounds like a good influence in a lot of areas, and I think it might reinforce some negative stereotypes about religion if you start cutting him off from people who disagree with you about religion.

From what you’ve posted, it sounds like Matt probably initiated the discussions about religion with his uncle and Brock was honest about his feelings. Again, this is probably pretty normal for a smart teenager who is trying to sort out what he believes. On the other hand, if Brock is actively bringing this up and trying to undermine how you and your wife are trying to raise Matt, then it might be different story. In that cxase, you might at very least ask Brock not to bring up religion with Matt.

I think having him go to Mass with you as a family is a good thing and something you should continue to insist on. I agree with the other posters that you cannot and should not force him to be confirmed. The fact that he doesn’t want to be confirmed and doesn’t want to receive Communion when he’s not really sure he believes also suggests that he is trying to show integrity about this.

I think you should recognize that he is getting older and ultimately he will have to decide for himself what he believes. But make sure he knows how important you and his mom believe this is and how much you want him to have good information and make good decisions. You mentioned that he doesn’t want to go to religious education, but he is very willing to read the materials. If he feels like what they are covering isn’t addressing what he’s really concerned about, or if he feels like the other kids aren’t on the same page as he is, then it might be counter-productive.

I would suggest talking to him about this as much as possible. Figure out what his doubts and questions are. Make sure he feels like he can open up about this to you and his mom, not just his uncle. The fact that he’s willing tor read and learn more is great. If what they are covering in class isn’t what he needs to be learning about, then figure out some resources that will help address that. Talk to his religious ed teacher, maybe talk to the pastor. If the religious ed classes aren’t what he needs, then I wouldn’t insist that he go, but I would insist that he continue to learn and study, even if it is just as a family.