Atheist (or non-caring) extended family

[millstreet]

Hi. Happy Thanksgiving. We went to my sister-in-law’'s this year. I’m Catholic, my wife is not, for background. Most of her family either doesn’t care or doesn’t believe. I listened to them scream “J… f’ing C…”, talk abouto how foolish religion is, and say nothing about being thankful for anything. I can handle it. But I have to 4yo kids. They had a great time, they love their cousins, but they heard all of this. It’s hard enough with my wife being kind of apathetic but at least she supports the general concept. I don’t want to get in the way of building family bonds but I don’t want them exposed to this at their age, either. Any thoughts?

 

[UbiCaritas]

Hi. Happy Thanksgiving. We went to my sister-in-law’'s this year. I’m Catholic, my wife is not, for background. Most of her family either doesn’t care or doesn’t believe. I listened to them scream “J… f’ing C…”, talk abouto how foolish religion is, and say nothing about being thankful for anything. I can handle it. But I have to 4yo kids. They had a great time, they love their cousins, but they heard all of this. It’s hard enough with my wife being kind of apathetic but at least she supports the general concept. I don’t want to get in the way of building family bonds but I don’t want them exposed to this at their age, either. Any thoughts?

Even in quite secular families, it’s common courtesy to not use profanity around small children, and, should something slip out (Mom drops a 15-pound, 400-degree turkey on her foot and promptly consigns the turkey, the pan, and the dog who tripped her to a fire-laden eternity), it’s the Done Thing to apologize promptly and tell Junior “I shouldn’t have said that” in order to set a good example. In my extended family, for example, I have several atheists, and the only time I can recall hearing anything off-color from one of them was when the guy carving the turkey had the knife slip, cutting his hand open enough to warrant stitches. (In retrospect, considering that he’d spent a long time serving in the Navy, his response was actually quite restrained. )

One can occasionally trigger this in adults who should know better by raising an eyebrow very slightly in their direction and then transferring one’s gaze to Small Child Who Overheard in a meaningful manner.

 

[Allegra]

I have several atheist and agnostic family members and they don’t scream things like that in front of children because they have some measure of class. If someone did that around my kids I would probably start with “Do you mind not talking that way around my kid? Please and thank you.”

 

[Lou2U]

I have several atheist and agnostic family members and they don’t scream things like that in front of children because they have some measure of class. If someone did that around my kids I would probably start with “Do you mind not talking that way around my kid? Please and thank you.”

Yes.

Ask them not to use profanity around your children, and suggest to your wife that she pull her sister to one side and ask her not to disrespect your religion. Your wife may have more success speaking to her about it than you, and it is her family. Many people say that your wife should deal with any conflicts on her side of the family, and you should deal with any on yours, which is good advice in your situation.

Lou

 

[babylonfalling]

Hi. Happy Thanksgiving. We went to my sister-in-law’'s this year. I’m Catholic, my wife is not, for background. Most of her family either doesn’t care or doesn’t believe. I listened to them scream “J… f’ing C…”, talk abouto how foolish religion is, and say nothing about being thankful for anything. I can handle it. But I have to 4yo kids. They had a great time, they love their cousins, but they heard all of this. It’s hard enough with my wife being kind of apathetic but at least she supports the general concept. I don’t want to get in the way of building family bonds but I don’t want them exposed to this at their age, either. Any thoughts?

Ever wonder if they’re doing it intentionally to get your goad?

 

[jmj777]

They may feel that they can talk any way they’d like as you were their guest at their house for Thanksgiving.

I would probably tell my spouse that next year we would be having Thanksgiving over our house and my rules would have to be obeyed. You are, after all, the ***man of the house ***and you have every right to enforce your rules. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to come, but you do not want that kind of talk around your children in your home. Period.

Pray about it as it doesn’t seem they will change or that your wife may have the courage (or the conviction) to address it with them. As long as you and your wife are a team, you should be able to get your message across one way or another.

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[Ms_Manners]

My FIL likes to curse.
He has some health issues which make it more difficult to deal with some impulses and he actually seems to enjoy cursing as part of those impulses. Even worse than
My husband asked him to refrain from it in our home, it worked to some extent, but he also sulked some. He also needs to be reminded often.
We certainly plan to have a more serious conversation with him, especially about the values we plan to teach her and the effect of using those values in profanities.
I’m afraid we might be in for some trouble, since he doesn’t even notice it really, so it is more difficult to avoid, and with the only other child in the family they saw childhood cursing as amusing, no one really had the practice of refraining from some expressions around the now-17yo when he was younger, so we might run into “with XY we never had to…” about a number of things.
(On the other hand, XY’s lifestyle is not positive at all, so we have a good argument for changing practices there.)

Also, you were guests there and even in such very justified cases ultimately you can’t dictate people’s behaviour in their own home.
At some point the only way to avoid such influences on your child might be to avoid some occassions.
That part would be easier with your wife’s support, since it’s her family.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Honestly, I would avoid these people. They sound crass and disrespectful. I think that asking your wife to speak to her sister is a good idea, and then have them over to yours to see if it had any effect. If not, minimise contact. It is not worth it exposing your children to such things.