Breaking apart from the Catholic church has been one of the most difficult things that I have had to do. It is not something I did overnight, it is not something I did with no thought/consideration, it is not something I wanted to do, its something that happened. It is not easy to think of this world as your only life, especially when you see some of the awful situations that some have to go through. It is not easy to think that God really isn’t there watching over you, protecting you. The world does make a lot more sense though, without God in the picture, and I have to go by what makes sense. Sure it would be fun/comforting to believe that unicorns exist, but its just not true. I make my own meaning in life, and have received comfort in knowledge that I am helping others through the work I do in the hospital, and that life is circular. I worked a few days ago and there was a code announcement on another floor. Not a minute later, the baby music played, indicating a birth.
God could easily have me repent and go back to being Catholic just by coming down and having a candid conversation with me, (or in other ways) but He does not. I spent over a decade going to retreats, praying, time in adoration, all in vain trying to reclaim the faith I had as a child that was slipping out of my grasp. I invite you to read
iidb.org/vbb/showthread.php?t=72552 if you haven’t, as this deconversion story mirrors a lot of what I feel my path has been like. That story is going to be considered controversial to some. But please don’t comment on it if you didn’t read most or all of it. The author works very hard to keep her faith from slipping, but it does. She is a very good writer and details a lot of her feelings and rationale, and is
extremely well read.
If, after death, God would personally tell me about Jesus in a way that made perfect sense, that would be a different story and I would eagerly accept Jesus’ gift. Right now it simply does not make sense to me that that is even real, and I have a good understanding of the Catholic faith. There are far too many things that just simply don’t make sense about the faith, that should, were it real. I don’t think that anyone is opposed to love, nor the idea that they could be in paradise forever. Really, if someone had all the information laid out to them, who would chose hell?
I know there is still a lot to learn yet, and I see this as an ongoing lifelong learning process. I still have a big list of books that I need to read as well, once my life gets more settled down.
To head off potential responses: Yes I know I can be wrong, yes I know some might think I’m going to hell, but dismissive arguments or scare tactics don’t help my faith in God. Yes I know that some think “Gods ways are not our ways”, yes I know that some think “God can do what He wants” and that God is perfect and it is our understanding that is flawed, but I can’t accept that as reason why we should dismiss all the problems. Yes I did have complete trust and faith in God in my early life and when I prayed and was trying to strengthen my faith; atheism was something I was trying to avoid, and when the time came for me to say that I was agnostic, I had many sleepless nights trying to understand how to cope with that, I did not ‘chose’ agnosticism so that I could “do what I wanted with no consequences”. Yes, I am thankful for what I do have. No, I do not know how the universe was originally created. No, I do not fear death anymore. Yes, I think death is really the end.