Athiest Boyfriend and Chastiy Issues - ADVICE PLEASE!

[Kit15]

eichenb2 is correct in saying that you shouldn’t be with someone just because you feel you can lead them to a conversion. There’s nothing wrong with hoping. Just be aware that it might never happen.

Do either you or your boyfriend actually fully understand why the church encourages living a chaste life? If your boyfriend has an open mind, he may be presently surprised to how little it has to do with placing limits on people and how much more it has to do with mutual love and respect (especially respect for women).

My husband is agnostic. Though he’s quite dry when it comes to anything spiritual, he’s very open-minded when it comes to Catholicism. A major turning point for him was when he discovered Theology of the Body (as presented in a book called “God’s Plan For A Joy Filled Marriage” by Christopher West) and he was shocked at how well thought out all the reasoning was. It wasn’t just all fluffy rhetoric. It actually made sense. I’ve never seen his mind be so blown away before. He’s still agnostic…but I’ve actually seen him *rave *about the message to friends.

He was already committed to abstinence as he believed pre-marital sex really just wasn’t worth all the trouble that comes with it between the deceptive emotions, possible pregnancy, the fact we’d have to hide it from our families (I get a headache just thinking about hiding something like that). But the book really helped reveal the deeper meaning behind it all…a meaning so universal that that even an agnostic could get it. It also helped shape the role of sex in our marriage. I didn’t have to do ANY convincing to get him on board with NFP.

To make a long story a tiny bit longer…don’t hesitate to search for the answers to all the ‘why’s’ in your mind. That way you will be prepared the day your boyfriend asks a question and it will make you a more confident Catholic. Ever since I got married, I’ve been putting more emphasis on increasing my knowledge on the faith. There is more thorough and intellectually satisfying answer behind the “because God said so”

 

[Viki63]

Would he go through RCIA for you, so that he can understand your faith better?

 

[confuzdcatholic]

Would he go through RCIA for you, so that he can understand your faith better?

That is a good idea… the problem though is that he is technically a cradle Catholic and was confirmed in the Church, but he never really believed any of it and now has turned away from the faith. He always gets stuck on issues like homosexuality and doesn’t think the Church is fair.

I have thought about getting him to go to a “Bringing Catholics Home” program that my church was doing… but right now he is just not open to that. I’m hoping that time will open his heart enough… please pray that it does. I hope that at least he eventually wants to learn more about what Catholics believe, because he has been influenced by society and friends to view many Catholic teachings in a negative light… hopefully in time he will be receptive at least to us having some more in-depth conversations about why the Church believes what it does.

 

[confuzdcatholic]

eichenb2 is correct in saying that you shouldn’t be with someone just because you feel you can lead them to a conversion. There’s nothing wrong with hoping. Just be aware that it might never happen.

Do either you or your boyfriend actually fully understand why the church encourages living a chaste life? If your boyfriend has an open mind, he may be presently surprised to how little it has to do with placing limits on people and how much more it has to do with mutual love and respect (especially respect for women).

My husband is agnostic. Though he’s quite dry when it comes to anything spiritual, he’s very open-minded when it comes to Catholicism. A major turning point for him was when he discovered Theology of the Body (as presented in a book called “God’s Plan For A Joy Filled Marriage” by Christopher West) and he was shocked at how well thought out all the reasoning was. It wasn’t just all fluffy rhetoric. It actually made sense. I’ve never seen his mind be so blown away before. He’s still agnostic…but I’ve actually seen him *rave *about the message to friends.

He was already committed to abstinence as he believed pre-marital sex really just wasn’t worth all the trouble that comes with it between the deceptive emotions, possible pregnancy, the fact we’d have to hide it from our families (I get a headache just thinking about hiding something like that). But the book really helped reveal the deeper meaning behind it all…a meaning so universal that that even an agnostic could get it. It also helped shape the role of sex in our marriage. I didn’t have to do ANY convincing to get him on board with NFP.

To make a long story a tiny bit longer…don’t hesitate to search for the answers to all the ‘why’s’ in your mind. That way you will be prepared the day your boyfriend asks a question and it will make you a more confident Catholic. Ever since I got married, I’ve been putting more emphasis on increasing my knowledge on the faith. There is more thorough and intellectually satisfying answer behind the “because God said so”

Thank you so much for your thoughts… this was extremely helpful. I will definitely share this information with him. Also it is really nice to know from someone who is in a similar situation. I have accepted that fact that he may never convert; this is a hard thing to accept, and it took me a while to do it. I pray for him everyday.

 

[confuzdcatholic]

if he were a practicing catholic, i’d say, 3 to 4 years? because of money? if that’s really the reason, marry him AS SOON as you rearrange your priorities.

but he’s not a practicing Catholic. he’s a baptized athiest. so, here’s what i say instead:

me too.

but i dont have to marry every person i love.

you say you wont give up your faith for him. here’s what your Faith teaches: the vocation of marriage is for the spouses to help each other attain heaven.

when/ if he marries you, he will not share your vocation. because he doesnt believe in God. or heaven. or holiness. that’s all there is to it.

I appreciate everyone’s comments very much. This is to those of you who are encouraging me to break it off because we do not share faith: I will please respectfully ask for those types of posts to stop. I have received several and completely understand where you are coming from, and I appreciate your advice. First… just for clarification, I am not in this relationship for the sake of converting my boyfriend, though that would be wonderful if it happened. Second… this option is always in the back of my mind, but right now I am looking for positive advice to help my boyfriend understand my decision and to help him emotionally and physically cope with it.

Thank you…

 

[spirit4life]

. . . he is technically a cradle Catholic and was confirmed in the Church, but he never really believed any of it and now has turned away from the faith. He always gets stuck on issues like homosexuality and doesn’t think the Church is fair. . . . . .

Ah, so he is actually a ‘Athiest leaning - fallen away Catholic’ , which is different than what you put in your first post. Nonetheless, my prayers are for you both. You sound like a courageous, spirit-filled young lady, and I commend you for that!

Besides the Chris-West book already mentioned, maybe you could get him to watch this video: familyland.be/en/message-of-hope.html , because God really wants true happiness for us. At some point, when you get married, you’re going to want this as well: familyland.be/family_consecration/introduction-to-consecration-to-the-holy-family.html because it is a ‘comprehensive plan’ of HOW to live married life.

Only by God’s Grace can we accept and appreciate that which we cannot understand - so I will be praying for the Light of His Grace to reach your bf’s heart.

-S

 

[confuzdcatholic]

Ah, so he is actually a ‘Athiest leaning - fallen away Catholic’ , which is different than what you put in your first post. Nonetheless, my prayers are for you both. You sound like a courageous, spirit-filled young lady, and I commend you for that!

Besides the Chris-West book already mentioned, maybe you could get him to watch this video: familyland.be/en/message-of-hope.html , because God really wants true happiness for us. At some point, when you get married, you’re going to want this as well: familyland.be/family_consecration/introduction-to-consecration-to-the-holy-family.html because it is a ‘comprehensive plan’ of HOW to live married life.

Only by God’s Grace can we accept and appreciate that which we cannot understand - so I will be praying for the Light of His Grace to reach your bf’s heart.

-S

Thank you so much… These are exactly the resources that I need. I truly appreciate your prayers and support… God Bless you.

 

[Greg27]

I think it might help if you carefully and patiently explain to your b/f your understanding about sex, why you hold those beliefs, and why you can’t in good conscience engage in sexual activity before marriage. If I were in a relationship with someone, I would not want to force myself on them, but if they refrained from sex (i.e. in a marriage) I would want to know the reasons why they felt unable to be intimate if we both loved each other. I think your b/f is probably in a similar situation, and he probably does not understand why pre-marital sex activity is wrong. I think it would be a bad idea to take the puritanical approach of conservative Catholicism (i.e. you start reading down a list of sins and add ‘mortal’ by dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s) or threaten your b/f you will end the relationship unless he comes around to your view. I have to say such a brow-beating approach was a key reason why I decided to leave the Catholic Church, and certainly such behaviour would repel your b/f from the faith and may also endanger your relationship. You should instead explain why you have arrived at the conscientious decision not to have sexual relations and carefully outline the reasons why you want to reserve sex (and you should also emphasize in your faith sex is not a bad thing, it is a good creation of God, and laws are there regulating where and when it occurs not because it is evil in itself, but because it needs to be kept to certain limits) to marriage.

 

[djeter]

I appreciate everyone’s comments very much. This is to those of you who are encouraging me to break it off because we do not share faith: I will please respectfully ask for those types of posts to stop. I have received several and completely understand where you are coming from, and I appreciate your advice. First… just for clarification, I am not in this relationship for the sake of converting my boyfriend, though that would be wonderful if it happened. Second… this option is always in the back of my mind, but right now I am looking for positive advice to help my boyfriend understand my decision and to help him emotionally and physically cope with it.

Thank you…

Are you familiar with the novel Brideshead Revisited? The character Julia breaks off her relationship with the agnostic Charles Ryder who by the end of the novel experiences a conversion of sorts – the reasoning may interest you. It’s under “Parting from Julia” towards the end of the post. The novel is 80 years in the past but is faithful to how your grandmother’s (or great grandmother’s) generation dealt with such a crisis. No advice intended.

dj

You can find it here:

payingattentiontothesky.com/2010/03/12/book-and-film-recommendation-brideshead-revisited-by-evelyn-waugh/

 

[Vincent1984]

I would suggest that you stop kissing on the lips, as a minimum. He is a young man, and this activity will take his mind and body to a place that you are’t able to go. It is great that he is trying to respect and learn about your feelings. In your turn, you need to understand him and stop doing the things that tempt him. It will be a sign of your respect for him, and avoids giving mixed messages about ‘how far’ is acceptable - nothing is acceptable if it tempts or ‘excites’ you!

My girlfriend and I stopped kissing for these reasons (at my suggestion) over a year ago, and it has really helped us to get to know each other better.

 

[puzzleannie]

So. What can I do to make this easier for him? How can I help him through this? you.

you can immediately stop all sexual activity especially anything that would be foreplay in the context of the marriage relationship, because it is as we used to say in the old days, teasing, that is, making a promise of further intimacy. It is dishonest and it is cheating and it is definitely not chasitity for an unmarried couple. You are jeopardizing your relationship, your self esteem and his, and the future of your marriage, not to mention your immortal soul, if you propose to continue in this way for 3-4 years. No you do know know he loves you, nor that you love him. You will know that when you are both ready to make a permanent commitment in marriage. Don’t even initiate courting or dating relationships leading to pairing up this way until the other aspects of your life are right for marriage. Although for the life of me I still cannot understand the logic of “we will get married when we can afford it.” If you can’t afford to get married and have children, you cannot afford to get this deep into a relationship.

 

[PaulinVA]

I just have a comment about where this part of the relationship is going.

Through reasons you have discussed, you are stopping sexual activity with your boyfriend. This is your decision. You are cutting him off, so to speak.

Forget the engagement period. After you are married, at some point, the two of you very likely will want to spend a period of time trying to avoid a pregnancy. As it is right now, this could be an issue of contention - Artificial Birth Control versus Natural Family Planning (which requires abstaining).

I bring this up because you seem to be starting a dynamic in your relationship that you tell him when you two can and can’t engage in sexual activity. Even if he does it because he loves you, having one person dictating the terms of a sexual relationship will eventually kill it.

So, your boyfriend has to want to abstain (now and later) for his own reasons, not for yours. He needs to be on board with the reasoning. That is your task.

 

[dashso40]

Hello,
I 'm not going to say break it off, b/c you said you don’t want to hear that. I know posters opinions can be strong but you have to understand a lot of us have more experience in situations b/c you seem like you are very young and have not experienced a lot.
Eventhough you are young, you seem mature in your religious beliefs. I do wish you luck and I think it’s great that you have chosen to be chaste. Knowing men, however, I don’t think it’s going to be possible for him to be chaste for a few more years until you marry mostly b/c you both have already been together. There is a show on tv about the huge family, the Duggars, in Arkansas, where the oldest son and his fiance were completely chaste before marriage. they have a website. They are both devout Christians. Good Luck to you, you sound like a very nice person.