Athiest Family/Gay Niece

[irish1]

My 17 year old niece just “came out” on instagram. My sister (her mother) and our father are both militant atheists (our mother passes away 6 months ago). I love my niece and know that same sex attraction is not something one chooses. However, she also indicated that her goal is to find a “beautiful wife” and raise children. She also claims that this doesn’t define who she is.

How do I support my niece, without supporting a gay lifestyle, and with out alienating my very anti-Catholic family? I just read her instagram post, so I haven’t had to deal with this in person - yet.

 

[mommy_k]

You love the person, not the sin, and you make that clear when she personally brings it up to you. Before that I wouldn’t comment on social media.

 

[irish1]

That much I understand. How do I make that clear, and still keep peace (if possible) in the family? The rest of the family is very secular, and sees nothing wrong with a gay lifestyle and “marriage”

I just lost my mother and don’t want to lose the rest of them.

 

[mommy_k]

Sometimes it’s not the message it’s the delivery. Be nice about your beliefs but hold true to them.

Your relatives know that this is in opposition to your beliefs, yet still communicated it. You can do the same in a loving Christian Catholic way when they tell you. You accept you niece as a child of God.

Don’t let the fear of family estrangement cause you to sacrifice beliefs. They did not sacrifice thiers…kwim?

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

That much I understand. How do I make that clear, and still keep peace (if possible) in the family? The rest of the family is very secular, and sees nothing wrong with a gay lifestyle and “marriage”

I just lost my mother and don’t want to lose the rest of them.

Sometimes we just can’t. I hate to be negative but militant atheists are not particularly tolerant of religious people. They might be angry at you. You know them best so I suspect you know what to expect. When it comes to private matters people definitely expect unconditional acceptance and support. Everything alse tends to be interpreted as hatred these days. Loving the sinner but not the sin just doesn’t work with such people.

Pray about this and do your best.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

That much I understand. How do I make that clear, and still keep peace (if possible) in the family? The rest of the family is very secular, and sees nothing wrong with a gay lifestyle and “marriage”

I just lost my mother and don’t want to lose the rest of them.

Take the issue of homosexuality out of it entirely. Now, ask yourself how you go about confronting a minor child about their moral errors when you know these are the values her parents intentionally taught her. Ask yourself when you would be ok with your atheist sister stepping in to make her feelings clear to your children about the values you taught them.

Both situations are entirely inappropriate. Homosexuality doesn’t change that. If you want to maintain good family ties, you’ll have to accept that not everyone believes as you do and is not interested in hearing how wrong you think they are.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It also has to be said: why do people think homosexuality is the ice breaker when talking to non Christians? If someone doesn’t know or believe anything related to your faith, why feel compelled to start the conversation by pointing out a very personal sin? If they don’t even accept Jesus, why would they accept his rules? How is bringing up the gay issue kind, helpful, or productive, even from a religious standpoint?

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Take the issue of homosexuality out of it entirely. Now, ask yourself how you go about confronting a minor child about their moral errors when you know these are the values her parents intentionally taught her. Ask yourself when you would be ok with your atheist sister stepping in to make her feelings clear to your children about the values you taught them.

Both situations are entirely inappropriate. Homosexuality doesn’t change that. If you want to maintain good family ties, you’ll have to accept that not everyone believes as you do and is not interested in hearing how wrong you think they are.

I’d say it depends on how serious you see the issue. Since you likely have no issue with homosexuality, I can see why you’d recommend this.

I am not saying she should involve herself, but the whole “it isn’t your place” argument doesn’t really fly, since people always involve themselves when something is serious enough.

I remember the guy who had CPS called on him because he posted a picture of his twelve year old son holding a rifle on facebook. Some folks thought it was child endangerment. They were wrong, but obviously they felt they had to get involved.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’d say it depends on how serious you see the issue. Since you likely have no issue with homosexuality, I can see why you’d recommend this.

I am not saying she should involve herself, but the whole “it isn’t your place” argument doesn’t really fly, since people always involve themselves when something is serious enough.

I remember the guy who had CPS called on him because he posted a picture of his twelve year old son holding a rifle on facebook. Some folks thought it was child endangerment. They were wrong, but obviously they felt they had to get involved.

Getting involved in the religious upbringing of someone else’s kid is always inappropriate. I don’t like that my cousins are being raised as JW, but I don’t get to pull them aside and talk up Xmas.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Getting involved in the religious upbringing of someone else’s kid is always inappropriate. I don’t like that my cousins are being raised as JW, but I don’t get to pull them aside and talk up Xmas.

I get to do whatever I want do. Doesn’t mean I should.

If you thought being a JW risked someone’s immortal soul, you wouldn’t be a very good friend or relative if you said “meh, not my problem.”

People get involved when someone has a serious drinking problem. They do it for drug issues. They do it for spousal abuse.

To say “it’s never any of my business” doesn’t mesh with reality. It just comes down to which issues warrant making something your business. Again, not saying what I would do, but to say it isn’t your business because you aren’t their parent simply isn’t how most people live their life. I think you probably feel like this particular issue is not one to insert yourself into. If the niece was contemplating suicide, for example, surely we’d all get involved.

 

[Havard]

It also has to be said: why do people think homosexuality is the ice breaker when talking to non Christians? If someone doesn’t know or believe anything related to your faith, why feel compelled to start the conversation by pointing out a very personal sin? If they don’t even accept Jesus, why would they accept his rules? How is bringing up the gay issue kind, helpful, or productive, even from a religious standpoint?

Perhaps I’m missing something, where was that suggested?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

My 17 year old niece just “came out” on instagram. My sister (her mother) and our father are both militant atheists (our mother passes away 6 months ago). I love my niece and know that same sex attraction is not something one chooses. However, she also indicated that her goal is to find a “beautiful wife” and raise children. She also claims that this doesn’t define who she is.

How do I support my niece, without supporting a gay lifestyle, and with out alienating my very anti-Catholic family? I just read her instagram post, so I haven’t had to deal with this in person - yet.

Treat her with kindness and pray for her. I’m not sure what else you can do.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I get to do whatever I want do. Doesn’t mean I should.

If you thought being a JW risked someone’s immortal soul, you wouldn’t be a very good friend or relative if you said “meh, not my problem.”

People get involved when someone has a serious drinking problem. They od it for drug issues. They do it for spousal abuse.

To say “it’s never any of my business” doesn’t mesh with reality. It just comes down to which issues warrant making something your business. Again, not saying what I would do, but to say it isn’t your business because you aren’t their parent simply isn’t how most people live their life. I think you probably feel like this particular issue is not one to insert yourself into. If the niece was contemplating suicide, for example, surely we’d all get involved.

You’re making a lot of false analogies here. The OP wants to know how she should voice her disapproval and maintain a family relationship. The answer is, you don’t. Just like I would never pull a 17 year old Catholic aside and start talking safe sex, no matter how concerned about pregnancy and AIDS I am. I would rightfully be put in my place for having that kind of gall. It’s not about homosexuality, it’s about maintaining family ties in a multi belief family.

I don’t know any parents, my own included, who would not suddenly and harshly come down on the OP for this.

Besides, where was the concern for the last 17 years of no religious upbringing? You really think this is the time or way to step in? Nope nope nope. You do not pull a child aside to contradict his or her parents values. That’s a huge violation.

 

[mommy_k]

I have a nephew who is divorced and cohabitating and I am able to explain my position about this without offending anyone:shrug:
His mother thinks what he is doing is fine, but I won’t agree that it’s OK in my book because it’s not.

I am sure he knows I care about him regardless of a poor choice on his part.

Edited to add: if I didn’t care, I would not give feedback. He knows this too.

 

[irish1]

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. It’s given me some perspective and much to pray about.

I love my niece very much, and will continue to do so. If the subject of her being gay comes up, I will tell her so.

My family is aware of my strong religious convictions. It is possible that they may avoid the subject of any potential involvement in a gay life style with me. Perhaps, somewhere down the road she my get involved with someone. Hopefully, by that time I will have had sufficient time to pray over this, and God will have blessed me with the grace and wisdom I need to deal with whatever the situation is, according to His will. I will most of all endeavor to speak the truth in love. My niece is a generous and loving young lady. I think she is easier to talk to than my sister is.

 

[Rau]

The OP wants to know how she should voice her disapproval and maintain a family relationship. The answer is, you don’t.

No…that’s not what the OP asked at all. You just inferred she wants to voice approval. She said: “How do I support my niece, without supporting a gay lifestyle, and with out alienating my very anti-Catholic family?”

She’s trying to walk a line that respects the niece without betraying her own values.

 

[Rau]

…How do I support my niece, without supporting a gay lifestyle, and with out alienating my very anti-Catholic family? I just read her instagram post, so I haven’t had to deal with this in person - yet.

You have the right goal - showing respect and concern for the niece, without acting contrary to your values. Some in your situation believe it is their duty to be forthright in condemning the intentions or actions of the niece, but that is often misguided. Were you to have good cause to believe that being forthright would be persuasive, then that can be the right approach. But that would seem very unlikely.

It may be impossible to avoid some conflict indefinitely. At some stage, you may be expected to celebrate “engagement” or “marriage” and such positive endorsement and support may not be possible. It is here that one hopes mutual respect will enable the hurt to be overcome.

 

[Rau]

The OP wants to know how she should voice her disapproval and maintain a family relationship.

The OP is not looking for a means or opportunity to "voice disapproval’. She is looking for a means to continue a close and supportive relationship without contradicting her values. She wrote: “How do I support my niece, without supporting a gay lifestyle, and with out alienating my very anti-Catholic family?”

 

[ConfusedLucy]

You have the right goal - showing respect and concern for the niece, without acting contrary to your values. Some in your situation believe it is their duty to be forthright in condemning the intentions or actions of the niece, but that is often misguided. Were you to have good cause to believe that being forthright would be persuasive, then that can be the right approach. But that would seem very unlikely.

It may be impossible to avoid some conflict indefinitely. At some stage, you may be expected to celebrate “engagement” or “marriage” and such positive endorsement and support may not be possible. It is here that one hopes mutual respect will enable the hurt to be overcome.

This, even if the OP flat out said “If you continue this path you will forever be flung into the fiery pit” I very much doubt her niece will suddenly change her mind and all it will do is cause drama and alienate people. All you can do is try to be diplomatic when needed and try to be a good influence.

 

[dove777]

I wouldn’t respond to the niece instagram at all. I would just pray for her and her parents.The niece is young and will try on many ideas and express them on the internet which reminds me how grateful I am that I didn’t have the internet when I was young…