Attempt to save marriage to NPD spouse

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Hi,

I commented before I was happy to recieve a response, but the thread was closed, hence the new one…

These were my old posts.
"I am a sufferer as well. Have been with him for 15 years and have been a mental basketcase trying to comprehend why life was never simple, no celebrations, no happiness. I have 2 children, one entering his teenage years and I feel like I can’t hold it together much longer. I love the earlier post about God having his reasons for putting me in this situation. I held it together when close friends advised me to leave, that there was no reprieve for this condition. At times, I can see my husband as a victim, his dad is a narcissist. He still jumps to his father’s tunes, his mum who was a gentle soul was worked to the bone, she finally succumbed to cancer. What was so sad is she never told a soul about her condition although she probably knew she was quite unwell, until it was discovered very late.
Now I realize that I am probably doing more damage to my kids by staying as they are constantly in the line of fire (very subtely), given love, withdrawing it, rejection, then a cycle of love again.
I am financially stable (god’s immense blessings) and have stayed only because I want my family back, intact. It’s tough, everyday is… "

“At times I feel I’m the one who’s messed up and to an extent I may be, as I fear abandonment for reasons I should’nt. I guess the NPD has incapcitated, conditioned me over the years. I fear for my children growing up in a society where it is tougher on them being without one parent.
I have been a senior professional in my field for years, yet he was able to break me down to a point where I quit my job and felt utterly useless for the first time in my life for months together. All through that period he maintained his silent treatment which was hard to function and give freely to my children as I should have or would normally.
The question for me now is should I leave, or should I stay. I guess my Catholic upbringing and personal faith in the Lord leads me to believe He has a purpose and I should carry on and find workarounds to deal with him. Also with the children it won’t be easy and I can imagine a long drawn out battle with him as he will not leave without a fight.
After being married for 15 years and never seen him go to church with me or the kids other than seldom occasions, he has started to read verses from the Bible! He is Catholic too, but has never truely shown any reverance for God in the past.
Am at wits end with this decision… looking for a sign…”

I have since spoken to my parish priest, whom I have known for 4 years and trust his wisdom. His advise was that the church underdstands and accepts there are caustic and malignant marriages and that once I understand my rights, my decision will be easier and clearer. He has put me on to a Catholic legal group. I have also opened up fully to my family who have been tremendously supportive. I’ve also understood, that my insecurities and fears of abandonment have allowed me to stay. My dad was a volatile man and I never really felt secure in my relationship with him

I hope I can be strong through this process of change, I feel broken and afraid.
 
cargau said:
What is NPD?
Click to expand...
I think it’s narcissistic personality disorder. It is impossible to have a normal relationship with someone like that. As time goes by they get worse as their demands to always have their way become more outrageous.

I’m praying for you.
 
Yes, the NPD does condition you over the years and you will find yourself loosing your life as so much time is spent on trying to figure your spouse out. Don’t waste anymore time trying to understand him. Time for you and the kids to have a normal life—I know you have forgotten what that is but it comes back.

Want to know what’s really tough on your kids?? Your NPD husband and living with a NPD. One minute he pretends to love the kids but he can’t pretend for long because he wants to be the center of the universe and before you know it he is belittling them and terrorizing them. Please do not leave your kids alone with a NPD—the NPD can and will do much damage. Even when the kids are older when in the presence of the NPD the kids will try their best to make themselves invisible and shrink inside themselves.

Society’s views (be they real or imagined) on being raised in a one parent household has absolutely nothing over on an NPD. Once out of that up and down rollercoaster ride the NPD takes everyone in the household on the kids flourish for the most part. However, they will have scars.

Please continue on as you are doing by seeing your Priest and following the legal advice you are receiving.

You and the kids will be just fine and life will be new and refreshing again. Hang in there.👍

There is nothing that society can dish out that can top a NPD. They are truely in a class all their own.
 
There was a 20 page thread on here (from a few years back, but recently revived) about NPD. I have no personal experience with it but from what I read on there the relationships NPDs forge are poisonous and destructive. That is not what marriage is intended to be!
 
No, he has not been actually diagnosed with NPD. We have been for about 6 counselling sessions over the 15 yr marriage and he walked out on all of them after the 1st of 2nd session, saying “you should go fix your brain”. I continued, though it seemed pointless if both of use were’nt involved.

I’ve been desperately searching/reading up for answers over the past 2 years, pretty much on a daily basis, as I know deep down this is not a peacable marriage, we have no intimacy, no connection, very limited communication, gaslighting (we’re all walking on broken shells around him), silent treatment - at one point for a period of 6 months. I know most will find it hard to believe, but someone who’s in my shoes will understand. He has all the signs of a classic case, I wish he didnt.

One the one hand - I have also become aware of my own failings, my insecurites, my lowered self esteem that possibly prevents me from pulling the plug. On the other hand-I have been physically threatened (perhaps as a warning) , with extreme rage at close proximity without actual violence (he is mortified of being exposed, what happens at home must remain here), that kept me vulnerable and afraid of being hit, without it actually happening. The only violence I can recall is the one time, when we were out at a pub that we went to with an old friend of mine who was visiting from overseas, I remember being very happy to meet him, catch up with him a bunch of his friends, we chatted and danced, etc. Husband seemed like he was having a nice time too until suddenly things got violent, I was held in a headlock. My friend and others were shocked and backed off, leaving my husband to walk me out of the pub onto the street still in the headlock… Its hard going back to all that happened, so I wont… but I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I did wrong, what could I have said wrong, was it a word, an action, something out of place, waht was it?? I know now, I could not have said/done anything to deserve what happened.

My decisions today seem hard and complicated - I have to get back my job, I have to leave and I have to get my older one into counselling to counter his own issues which are showing up consistently in school… he is dismissive and disrepectful of his teachers. He has issues building a trustful friendship with his friends, he also appears to look down on others.

I have prioritized my plans and am working on them…
 
Thank you for the prayers - maltmom.

What is meant by " valid consent to marriage"?
 
I feel your pain. You cannot explain this to anyone who hasn’t been there, but I have for 13 years.

I have stayed in this marriage as I understood the Church to be telling me that unless I was being hit upside the head and beaten to a pulp, then I need to stay and suffer as the saints did. I had to go to church and make my priest listen to the entire story before he would even support my efforts. I have no desire to leave and find another husband, just so you know, my leaving involves finding peace for myself and my 5 daughters and I could care less about ever being married again or having an annulment. I would not even divorce if I didn’t have to, just live separate and make some kind of arrangements.

My husbands fits of rage are always borderline and confusing, and only once did he cross the line with one of my daughters which I posted about a while back. I did leave for a while, but because of my own brokenness I found myself back and many promises to go to counseling, which we are all in still at this time.

I too, was very insecure and have many faults and problems of my own that I am working through. Now I am finding myself, my own peace. I am learning to stand up for myself and my children and to trust that what he is trying to control is not going to happen. We are in turmoil a lot of the time because I am not cowering down like a child as I did the first 12 years of marriage. I am just done with that. I have prayed and prayed and tried and tried, nothing is ever enough with a narc. They are insatiable and mostly broken beyond repair, unfortunately. I understand what you are going through to be honest, I wish I would have just stayed gone, but I have fears of how viscous he would be as an ex. At least at this point I know without a shadow of a doubt I have done everything humanly possible to stay married. Enough is enough!

You do what you need to do to save yourself and be as healthy and at peace as possible. Stay close to the Sacraments and let Jesus be your guide, fall in love with Him and see Him as your perfect love! There is no one and nothing that can shake you when you realize how much he loves you!

I will pray for you!
 
Just for the record, the folks on this forum did tell me to get out, but it took a long time to do so. But the people in my parish and my family and others around me did not support my decision to leave, just a few friends and my brother who lives out of state. Eventually my parents did listen and they have prayed for us, but I was told to never come home after I messed up the first time.

Most priests assume that I want to find another spouse without even listening, ugh.😦 I understand why, but it is very frustrating when that is not even what is going on.
 
Dove918 said:
Just for the record, the folks on this forum did tell me to get out, but it took a long time to do so. But the people in my parish and my family and others around me did not support my decision to leave, just a few friends and my brother who lives out of state. Eventually my parents did listen and they have prayed for us, but I was told to never come home after I messed up the first time.

Most priests assume that I want to find another spouse without even listening, ugh.😦 I understand why, but it is very frustrating when that is not even what is going on.
Click to expand...
Yes, I did suffer too thinking it was all me for years and I tried many things to make things work, including giving in wholeheartedly (without weiging the past hurt/actions), things would be great for a while and then would follow into the old pattern of witholding, no communication, using the children as pawns to get back at me. My husband was always this well put together, gregarious, funny person to the outside but we are perpetually walking on eggshells at home - the kids, our dog too. It feels like he just about tolerates us.

My priest knows I am far, far from even being inclined to another relationship as I am badly scarred. I just want peace and some normalcy at home.

I feel for you too, my parents, sister and a few close friends have been supportive of my plans. I know my husband will turn vindictive if he gets to know of my plans. I have no idea how my parish and wider circle of friends will react, I worry about this as I do want to be accepted, the kids accepted. This is such a difficult thing to explain to people as well, most think I’m overreacting to typical male behavior.

My concerns are now largely for my older one, he is mature beyond his years and I pray that he can still change his rigid views too. For this reason, I feel I should not wait longer.
 
I am sure your parish and community will come around. In one of the bigger cities, they have a program for divorced Catholics called Journey of Hope, and they meet once a week for support. If you can find one near you, I think it would be very helpful.

I understand what you mean about your oldest, I worry so about my oldest as well, as my husband has sort of singled her out and was obsessed with her. Now he has backed off somewhat. When I came back after leaving, things were better for a while, but it seems now he is trying to slip back into his old ways of controlling everything and everyone, it is just miserable, but at least I am speaking up and not holding in my truth, that is all I can do for now.

Make sure you have plans and get all the important documents you need. My husband locked them up when I left and I couldn’t get the kids birth certificates or SS cards. Make sure you copies of everything important.
 
Dear Sufferer, you will find real help here at
www,narcissismcured.com

It is possible to help a NPD spouse and yourself and to heal your marriage and turn it into something much much better.** Ignore the stuff about annulment. **Save your sanity and your marriage and your husband and may God bless you!
 
Thanks LouiseL,

I have also read Kim and Steve’s blogs in the past and thanks for the reference again.

In my case, I have come to understand that my husband’s father holds a very strong influence on him and he is always in his father’s shadow of guidance. His father is an extremely aggressive NPD (his wife, my husband’s mother) suffered and shuddered in his presence. She passed away at a relatively young age without any care or concern from him through her cancer. He never looked at her and spoke and has also said to me " you do not deserve to be looked at and spoken to" when he was visiting at our home 2 years ago.

In a sense, my husband is a victim too and I can see that. I also accept that change cannot come unless it comes from himself, within, and I dont see how that is possible without his father who pulls his strings. He needs to discover/see this for himself

I also acknowledge my codependance, my need for looking after, that I am actively resolving for my own well being.

I have been rallied around by the Church, women’s groups, counsellors and a lawyer to make my way out on my own with the kids which is planned shortly.

I am afraid, yes, but I feel convinced change will come for both of us. It is unfair for me to allow the children to grow in this unheathy environment especially if I am in a position to do something about it- and I think we all are if we focus deeply on change and action towards change as opposed to accepting hurt, discrediting, violence, threathened abuse, that is typical.

I have taken out a protection order on advice as I know this is really shake my husband’s world. I cannot truely predict what he will do in this situation.

I am taking small steps towards freedom, this appraoch has helped me tremendously as I stopped the numbing long drawn out plans I used to make that I ended up backing out on in the end.

Annulment or even a divorce is not on my mind, for now. I will let this pan out, build my life again with the kids and allow what God intends to unfold happen without giving in. As my priest mentioned, in my case, I will know when he has released himself from his father, if at all it is possible. Then change will happen for him as well.

This is a very painful process to go through and am steeling myself up for it, but I need to start treating myself better and accounting for my own happiness as God intended. Hopefully, my children will also stand up stronger for themselves and the cycle won’t repeat itself…
 
Wow. You are a very impressive woman and your children will be made better because of the strength you show.

May God bless you.
 
I hope that you are in a safe place. Please take care of yourself.
 
God bless you, Sufferer, I pray that everything will work out well.

Do revisit the website - Kim insists that their advice gets rid of violence in the home and restores order. I hope your husband comes to his senses and your family is saved from permanent break up.

Louise
 
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