Attend baby shower for same-sex couple?

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Laura_B

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Hi:
As you can see by the subject, I’m in a dilemma. I’ve just been invited to a baby shower for my cousin’s daughter who was “married” in Vermont several years ago. (I did not attend the ceremony nor did I attend the reception that was given in the couple’s honor after the fact, though my parents and my sister did.)

Now, it seems the couple is “with child” (I don’t know if the child is being adopted or has been inseminated into one of the women). I’ve been invited to the shower, along with my seven-year-old daughter (it would be her first-ever baby (or any kind) of shower.)

My sister (a widow, who has been invited, presumably with her daughter) and my mother have also been invited. My sister intends to go because our cousin and his wife have been very good to my parents over the years (as indeed they have).

However, I do not wish to attend. I just sounds wrong to me. I suppose my feeling is that while my cousins have been good to my parents over the years, that does not mean I have to support with my time, money or gas (the shower site is at least an hour’s drive one-way) the lifestyle choices of their children. From what I understand the soon-to-be “parents” are well-off (one’s a doctor). Also, I am not particularly close to this cousin and except for weddings and funerals don’t expect to see these people.

I guess I feel my response is rather heartless. I’d like to think of a pithy response to explain the situation to my sister, my mother etc. My sister attends Mass weekly but admits to not agreeing with everything the Church teaches (somewhat like Maria Shriver lately), while I am decidedly more conservative and traditional.

Any suggestions as to what I can say that is clear, consise and charitable? (My response to the shower hosts will blame my nonattendance on work.)
Thanks.
 
No matter what the circumstances, no one is required to attend a shower.

Send your regrets (no explanation needed) and send a gift when the child is born.
 
Laura, There is no explanation needed when you decline a shower invitation. Simply send your regrets. Do not lie.

Regarding what you tell your family (mother, sister, etc) simply tell them the truth. You cannot celebrate or support people in their sins. Doing so is itself a sin.
 
If you don’t want to go, don’t go.

And I have to tell you, I would be concerned if this was going to be my daughter’s first baby shower, too.

Just simply say no thank you, and you have made another commitment for that day. If it happens to be that you made a commitment to watch TV, or clean out the garage, it is nobody’s business but yours. Do not tell anybody your plans, Just “no thanks, we have another commitment” and hang up.
 
I agree with everyone else. Send a card explaining that you’re unable to make the shower but you hope they have a good time. If you feel like sending a gift, do so. But don’t feel guilty about not going.
 
Just send a nice note congratulating the couple on the baby (because the arrival of a baby is something to celebrate–regardless of the parents’ choices) and saying you have a previous commitment.

A gift is a nice touch, but not necessary.
 
I personally could not celebrate anyone purposely robbing a child of a mom and a dad, just to fulfill their own desires. I would make a polite excuse.

Always be good to the child of course, and polite to the parents, but there is no reason to celebrate the violation of that child’s rights that is happening.
 
I agree with many of the responses here. attending the shower implies your consent to their arrangement and their manufactured parenthood.

don’t go, send polite regrets. (over my cold, dead, dog-eaten body would i send my 7 year old into such a disordered celebration.) tell family members there are two issues here: celebrarintg life while not celebrating disordered relationships. if there is consternation over your decision, remind them there is no script for this because this new, re-definition of family has forced people to learn a new response.

as for the child, ***when s/he arrives (***born or adopted) send a gift because life is a blessing and should be celebrated. and then pray for that baby with a committed intent-- his/her family circumstances are profoundly lacking in Truth, which will surely be a spiritual disadvantage to the poor kid.

if anyone wants to argue, it’s likely they feel indicted by your opposing decisions. try to avoid argument altogether.
 
Hi:

Thanks for the quick responses. Just some clarifications:

KCT: I guess I don’t understand why you think I should send a gift. Wouldn’t that signal that I support what is going on? As I stated originally, the parents to be are well off, it’s not as if the child will be financially disadvantaged and thus would need all the gifts he or she can get.

1ke: To clarify, I had not intended to lie. My work schedule comes out soon but as near as I can determine, I really will be scheduled to work that day (midnight shift, but I have to sleep sometime.)

I guess what I was looking for was a way to evangelize to my sister. Not so much to change her mind, but to clearly state why going to this baby shower is wrong. In my heart it seems to be wrong to go, but I can’t seem to put the reason in words.

Thanks again for all the advice.
 
You are not sending a gift to show support of parents and their lifestyle… you are sending a gift for the baby… which is always an event to celebrate…

As for your sister… good luck… I totally alienated my family by not attending my brothers Protestant wedding on the beach… but I did tell them exactly why I was not attending… then my ds drove out on his own because he was 19 and not living at home.
 
Laura_B said:
Hi:

Thanks for the quick responses. Just some clarifications:

KCT: I guess I don’t understand why you think I should send a gift. Wouldn’t that signal that I support what is going on? As I stated originally, the parents to be are well off, it’s not as if the child will be financially disadvantaged and thus would need all the gifts he or she can get.

1ke: To clarify, I had not intended to lie. My work schedule comes out soon but as near as I can determine, I really will be scheduled to work that day (midnight shift, but I have to sleep sometime.)

I guess what I was looking for was a way to evangelize to my sister. Not so much to change her mind, but to clearly state why going to this baby shower is wrong. In my heart it seems to be wrong to go, but I can’t seem to put the reason in words.

Thanks again for all the advice.
Click to expand...
If you were to send a wedding gift to a same sex couple it could be interpreted as showing support for the marriage. In my opinion, sending a baby gift is showing support for the BABY–a 100% innocent person in this situation. If you aren’t comfortable with sending a gift, that’s perfectly fine, but I just want to point out that I don’t agree with only sending a gift if the parents aren’t well off and that I don’t see being kind to an innocent CHILD supporting a gay marriage. 🤷 This is also an opportunity to give a nice Christian/Catholic baby gift if you want to…👍

I don’t know that you need to tell your sister that going to this shower is wrong. You can tell her that you don’t feel comfortable with your young daughter attending and that you have a prior commitment, but I don’t know that attending this shower is a bad thing. It’s not an ideal situation–but I’d hold off from saying that people who are attending are doing a bad thing.
 
I would send a gift and a card that says “with love and prayers for you and your baby”.
 
I think send a card or gift. You shouldn’t be forced to attend the shower and I’m in a similar situation. I will be posting a thread in awhile.
 
Laura,
I think sending a gift for the shower is too close to an implied consent. Sending a gift for the baby’s arrival is a celebration of the child’s life-- especially if you chose something of the more spiritual sort, as already suggested.

explaining is different. i reiterate my suggestion to avoid argument. in fact, when asked by sis, you can open with, “i’d like to tell you my reasons, but I don’t want to argue about them.”

if she seems agreeable to hearing you out, you can say quite simply, “I won’t support their lifestyle choices by attending the shower. i will celebrate the baBY’s life by sending a gift later, when the baby comes.”

she may insist there’s little difference. you can simply, prayerfully accept her limited view of the thing. if she tries to wrangle you into an argument, don’t.
 
I guess it depends on your sister’s pattern when it comes to talking about religion. If she’s likely to listen, you can start by explaining (very briefly) that a homosexual union is against Church teaching (and why). It really is just logic, that if you believe something is wrong, you wouldn’t support or encourage it. That’s true of most people - your sister wouldn’t help you rob a bank would she? So, you can’t put yourself in a position to have encouraged the sin of the imitation of marriage and the deliberate deprivation of the proper method of conception etc. for the child. If your sister is truly intersted to hear more, she can ask - then be prepared to gi into detail about why the Church teaches what it does, and how attendance would reflect on you. Really, you have a great excuse of your child too - talk about how you have a responsibility to teach your dd her faith, and how attending this would confuse her. Oh and of course, there is the need to mention that you don’t judge your cousin, you do judge a particular action to be wrong - but leave the judgement of her up to God.

If your sister is hostile, then just ask her to respect your beliefs, and try to avoid arguing about it. Whatever you do, stay calm yourself, so that you can’t be accused of being hateful and angry. Sometimes your actions make people stop and take note more than what you say. We’ve been in a similar situation ourselves, and we noticed that long after the controversy died down, people in the family looked more to us as the moral compass than they did before.
 
Laura,

If you don’t want to get into it, you could just say you’re not going because you don’t think it’s appropriate to attend and leave it at that. They’ll know what you’re saying. 🙂
 
Hi:
Thanks for all the responses. They did indeed help.

Kevin’s girl: I just wanted to clarify that I don’t pick and choose based on the finances of the baby’s family. I only mentioned it in a previous post so as to let forum members know that this child will not be materially deprived if I decide not to send a gift. I probably will.

Thank you for the gift suggestions. I will probably send something like the picture frame “Children are a gift from God.” These cousins are from my father’s side of the family and Protestant. They never have been Catholic to my knowledge, so much as I like the wooden rosary, it just would not fit in this situation. The book is nice too.

Please pray for my sister, who will be taking my 12-year-old niece to the shower.

Thanks again.

Merry Christmas to all.
 
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