Attend Baby Shower or Not?

[Angels_Unaware]

A little harsh, but I most definitely ditto this. It still amazes me that people are shocked by the number of abortions in this country. OP’s attitude is probably one of the big reasons.

You’re right; it is a little harsh. I might put it another way. Does the OP truly think she is perfoming a duty to “sufficiently punish” the mother because the mother will have no negative consequences?

It’s quite a presumption that the entire family, including the mother, will have “too much fun” preparing for and dealing with a baby without dad involved. Since when is labor any fun? Or since when are midnight feedings any fun? It’s quite a presumption that mom will not be getting up to feed that baby in the middle of the night.

Also, don’t you think it’s interesting that we feel compelled to punish the mother by denying any celebration of the “situation”, while the father carries on as he has?

(Or, if the father is involved, then isn’t it presumptuos for us to assume it was a mistake to delay marriage or choose not to marry? Real life is messy. Once one mistake is made, there is no use in making two.)

I don’t think our op’s attitude is a big reason women get abortions. Of the women I talk to who have had an abortion it is usually a convenience thing, “I was only 15 and had my whole life before me”, “I was in college what was I supposed to do?”, “I had an affair and this baby isn’t my husbands so the best solution is to kill it (oh, wait, she would say, get an abortion)” I could go on and yes, these are from real life people I have counseled at the CPC I volunteer at. Brenda V.

You know, I hate abortion too, and I get really angry when I think about mothers being callous toward their babies, but I wonder how you know that you have the full story from either these women or even most women who have abortions. Could it be that some don’t want to admit their feelings of shame? Could it be that the ones who truly feel ashamed don’t want to talk to anyone at all, and so you never hear from them?

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but it doesn’t sound like you really empathize with the women you are counseling.

 

[Rascalking]

I am speechless at how foul your attitude is.

I am sure the pro-choice movement thanks you from the bottom of their heart for lending your support. Your insistence on punishing the unmarried woman by denying that she is worthy of a baby shower creates just the right amount of fear and shame to push 50% of women who find themselves in this situation to abort.

You might be careful. A day may come when you find yourself judged by others. You may come to regret your attitude when you receive it from others.

Hear, Hear! Three cheers for this post!

 

[aicirt]

Go to the shower. New Mommy might be a single parent and needs all the help she can get. Maybe Dad doesn’t want to get married or have the child. She’s made a decision. It is still a big occassion in her life. She may be scared how society will accept her, how she’s going to support baby, and care for herself and a child. Look at Bristol Palin. Hope you have a good time.

Second theory: Couple plans to marry…later. Go figure. Big wedding, wear white, baby is ring bearer or flower girl.

 

[Brenda_V]

You know, I hate abortion too, and I get really angry when I think about mothers being callous toward their babies, but I wonder how you know that you have the full story from either these women or even most women who have abortions. Could it be that some don’t want to admit their feelings of shame? Could it be that the ones who truly feel ashamed don’t want to talk to anyone at all, and so you never hear from them?

Maybe I am reading too much into this, but it doesn’t sound like you really empathize with the women you are counseling.

Wow, you have no idea what I say to them when they tell me these things so quite frankly “how dare you call me callous”!

Brenda V.

 

[bjj]

WOW!!! I had no idea that I was not viewing this situation rationally. I guess this is what happens when you are brought up in a very conservative catholic home. My view is narrow and I needed others to point this out. I will definitely ponder all the positive replies. Being an adoptive mother of three older children and very inexperienced I was worried that I could possibly send the wrong message to my daughters. Thanks for opening my eyes.

 

[Sarabande]

I agree with the above posts. I’d attend the shower. Let me tell you that for the entire family, even if they are throwing showers for this young girl, it is definitely still not an easy thing. It’s to support the life of this new baby, not to celebrate the fact that she had pre-marital relations.

We had a similar situation in our family. My cousin got pregnant and had the baby at 15. We were all very saddened by this, especially her parents, for obvious reasons. It was a very difficult time for the whole family, even though we tried to be emotionally supportive of our cousin. Abortion was never a question or a flicker even in my young cousin’s or her boyfriend’s eye. They both belong to a non-denominational church and were home-schooled from their church. When the church community and home school community found out what happened, they all apparently stepped up to the plate to show their support and belief in not getting rid of unwanted pregnancies. They even gave her a baby shower for the baby and we all went, including the family of the boyfriend who is still very much involved in this baby’s life… As sad as we all were of the situation, I felt and still feel that it was important to show that we were not going to punish the baby or shun her for what she did. She sinned and made a mistake, but if we all turned our back on her, I wonder if she would have still had that baby who is a beautiful, little girl and now a good older cousin to her other younger cousins and younger siblings. (My cousin is now older and married.)

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Wow, you have no idea what I say to them when they tell me these things so quite frankly “how dare you call me callous”!

Brenda V.

I didn’t call you callous, I said I may be reading more into your description of why women choose abortions than is really there, but it didn’t sound very empathetic.

It’s possible to offer charity and not be at all empathetic. This usually causes people on the receiving end to feel as if someone is being condescending to them.

As I said, I could be wrong, but when I read your description of why women have abortions, I read that fear of judgement and internal shame are not relevant to them. I hear you say that these women are almost all universally selfish people who chose to kill their babies for their convenience, and don’t suffer great turmoil or pain from the decisions. If that’s not what you meant to say, then that’s my error.

Me personally, I could never have an abortion, and I am very sensitive to babies, so my first reaction was anger to stories of women having abortions. But, when I listened to stories, I found that there were very, very many that were conscientious, loving people who were just trying to make the right decision for their lives and had been lied to by the abortion industry. They were very sensitive to being judged by others, and to this idea that they would have no support or help and never be able to give birth on their own. Those women suffered greatly and had lifelong wounds.

 

[leonie]

Well, I don’t attend showers for unwed moms. I guess you can all rip my head off now.

 

[kage_ar]

Well, I don’t attend showers for unwed moms. I guess you can all rip my head off now.

I’d rather pray that your heart is softened.

 

[leonie]

I’d rather pray that your heart is softened.

You know, I feel very deeply for unwed moms and their babies. I know that they will have a tough row to hoe. And, I am very willing to take meals and gifts after the baby is born. I just think that a party for mom and baby should be reserved for married women.

But, I’d be happy to go to a Baptism party.

I don’t know why people assume that you are punishing or judging the mom if you disapprove of baby showers for unwed moms. I think that society and more importantly childen suffer in single parent homes. I’ve watched my nephew (my sister’s son) and my brother’s three children grow up in these situations. And, our society’s acceptance of single motherhood has contributed to more unwed births. There’s all kind of data that links poverty, crime, and unstable relationships to single parenthood.

And, yes, I’m very happy that the mom has chosen life. I just think that it would have been better if the mom had waited until marriage. It’s a tragedy for everyone involved that the child doesn’t have the benefit of the graces given in holy matrimony for mom and dad. I don’t think that not having baby showers for unwed moms will increase the rate of abortions.

Supplying a baby is expensive, but it can be done without a party. And, a pregnant mom’s support network is more extensive than one party/one day. Hopefully, moms are getting daily help and love. I know that we were all there for my sister who had her baby at 19.

btw, my sister’s son has a baby out of wedlock now that he barely is allowed to see.

 

[Matt33]

ok I’ll second not going. But here is a compromise. I would definately send a gift, a nice gift that she will NEED! I would include a nice note, I would also offer any help in any other way for the care of this child. I would commend her on the choice for life.
It would be eisier to just “not be able to attend”(no need to even elaborate on why) no one feels judged especially if you send a nice gift. However I think that societies “manners” are horrific these days. It is in bad taste to throw a shower here.

I don’t understand people who are flippant to tradition and then want traditioanal things

That being said we don’t know the situation either. Is there a live in boyfriend? Is she destitute? Has she considered adoption?

It may be unhealthy to foster a cutsie dreamland for this young woman who is probably in for a wakeup call.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

bjj,

I for one am really touched by your change of heart, and I am truly proud of you for supporting your friend. I hope that this story has a happy ending, and that you see in time that it really wasn’t the end of the world for your best friend and her daughter, and that you always cherish your celebration of the most joyous occassion of an impending birth.

I hope that your friend and her daughter will learn to ignore people who make assumptions about what her child’s life will be like and who make comments like she’s a “cutsie who needs a wake up call.” I hope that in time, through faith, and the provision of the Lord, those people will be seen as the ones who need a wake up call.

Bjj, I also want to tell you that I can think offhand of 4 posters on CAF who are single mothers. Some are converts, others reverts. They are just like everyone else, (link)

singleparents.about.com/od/legalissues/p/portrait.htm

with the same parenting challenges and joys. Life is just more complicated sometimes. Perhaps let her know you are praying that she be able to raise her child well, as a Catholic? Perhaps say you are praying for the Lord to bring her husband, if that is His will? That’s all anyone can hope for. The sin is in the past. Her life is no different now than if her husband had died; things happen, but the only thing one can do now is move on.

And definitely celebrate the joy of this new life. I bet you will be moved when you see the new baby.

 

[Brenda_V]

bjj,

I for one am really touched by your change of heart, and I am truly proud of you for supporting your friend. I hope that this story has a happy ending, and that you see in time that it really wasn’t the end of the world for your best friend and her daughter, and that you always cherish your celebration of the most joyous occassion of an impending birth.

I hope that your friend and her daughter will learn to ignore people who make assumptions about what her child’s life will be like and who make comments like she’s a “cutsie who needs a wake up call.” I hope that in time, through faith, and the provision of the Lord, those people will be seen as the ones who need a wake up call.

Bjj, I also want to tell you that I can think offhand of 4 posters on CAF who are single mothers. Some are converts, others reverts. They are just like everyone else, (link)

singleparents.about.com/od/legalissues/p/portrait.htm

with the same parenting challenges and joys. Life is just more complicated sometimes. Perhaps let her know you are praying that she be able to raise her child well, as a Catholic? Perhaps say you are praying for the Lord to bring her husband, if that is His will? That’s all anyone can hope for. The sin is in the past. Her life is no different now than if her husband had died; things happen, but the only thing one can do now is move on.

And definitely celebrate the joy of this new life. I bet you will be moved when you see the new baby.

Well said Angel.

I too am happy to see that our OP basically got her question answered and has had a change of heart or maybe more accurately a change of mind for I don’t believe she ever felt that the life that was coming was anything but precious and a blessing.

Brenda V.

 

[CatholicJourney]

Being pro-life isn’t just about keeping the pregnancy. There is another option. Make the decision that is best for the baby and encourage the mother to give the baby up for adoption. This is a hard decision, but like the mother during Solomon’s time, the most loving. That’s what being pro-life is really about…

 

[Angelstar]

Being pro-life isn’t just about keeping the pregnancy. There is another option. Make the decision that is best for the baby and encourage the mother to give the baby up for adoption. This is a hard decision, but like the mother during Solomon’s time, the most loving. That’s what being pro-life is really about…

Umm…, this is just me but, sticking your nose in it and trying to encourage her to put the baby up for adoption might be a little much. Personally for me, putting the baby up for adoption would be as bad as abortion… but then I so highly value family and keeping my blood ties together so that is the way I see it. Fine for other select people, but not for me, and may be not for her. So being a incredibly personal decision, I wouldn’t put any pressure on it.

And… it’s been a while since I read that story from the Bible but if I’m not mistaken… Solomon did that with the baby to determine who the real mother really was… the one who cried out to save her baby, of course was the mother to that child.

 

[aicirt]

Being pro-life isn’t just about keeping the pregnancy. There is another option. Make the decision that is best for the baby and encourage the mother to give the baby up for adoption. This is a hard decision, but like the mother during Solomon’s time, the most loving. That’s what being pro-life is really about…

Oh, I wouldn’t touch that one. Unless you are her mother or really, really close the only way to handle that, IF you are asked, is to present all the pros and cons and let her decide.

I know of two teenagers who kept their babies who are, of course, being raised by the grandparents.

One young woman who got pregnant after partying, kept the baby, but has a very stressed relationship with the father who, although very conscientious about the child, didn’t want to marry the Mom.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Being pro-life isn’t just about keeping the pregnancy. There is another option. Make the decision that is best for the baby and encourage the mother to give the baby up for adoption. This is a hard decision, but like the mother during Solomon’s time, the most loving. That’s what being pro-life is really about…

I could not possibly disagree with you more that adoption is the best choice if the mother wants to raise the child. There are support groups for women who still feel traumatized at feeling forced to give up their children, and adopted children who feel abandoned. The OP never told us how old the mother is, anyway. For all you know she is in her 30s and financially secure. Even if she is very young, there are lots and lots of young mothers who are excellent mothers. A recent study found that young girls who kept their babies were much more likely to have turned their lives around completely, in contradiction to the urban myth that there are always bad outcomes for keeping the baby.

Being prolife is about recognizing that the pregnancy is a human being, not manipulating a mother who loves and wants her baby into being convinced she can’t possibly be a good mother because her situation is less than ideal. Adoption v. parenting is a very personal choice for that family. Not something a stranger can dictate what the "most loving choice is’.

 

[johnruss]

Many women become less selfish when they give birth to a child, because they have a little one to care for.

Look at it this way, by attending the baby shower and encouraging her in her new role as a mother you will be encouraging her to be less selfish.

From this perspective, it would probably be a SIN not to attend the baby shower.

 

[rayne89]

Umm…, this is just me but, sticking your nose in it and trying to encourage her to put the baby up for adoption might be a little much. Personally for me, putting the baby up for adoption would be as bad as abortion… but then I so highly value family and keeping my blood ties together so that is the way I see it. Fine for other select people, but not for me, and may be not for her. So being a incredibly personal decision, I wouldn’t put any pressure on it.

And… it’s been a while since I read that story from the Bible but if I’m not mistaken… Solomon did that with the baby to determine who the real mother really was… the one who cried out to save her baby, of course was the mother to that child.

Adoption as bad as abortion? Good grief. Dismembering and slaughtering the child is equated the same as placing it in a loving family?

As an adopted, now adult child you realize blood has very little to do with loving families. I think people who don’t experience adoption can’t really understand that. I value family very highly as well and just because my parents (sister, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) don’t share my genes doesn’t make them any less family to me than yours is to you.

Now I do not think someone outside the family should be discussing such a personal decision, and I absolutely do not endorse pressuring mothers into placing their child for adoption if the don’t want to. This is a decision the biological parents must make.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Adoption as bad as abortion? Good grief. Dismembering and slaughtering the child is equated the same as placing it in a loving family?

As an adopted, now adult child you realize blood has very little to do with loving families. I think people who don’t experience adoption can’t really understand that. I value family very highly as well and just because my parents (sister, aunts, uncles, cousins etc) don’t share my genes doesn’t make them any less family to me than yours is to you.

Now I do not think someone outside the family should be discussing such a personal decision, and I absolutely do not endorse pressuring mothers into placing their child for adoption if the don’t want to. This is a decision the biological parents must make.

You weren’t replying to me, but I just want to be clear I don’t think that adoption is a bad choice by any means. I know there are many very happy, well-adjusted adopted children, and absolutely, the people who raise you are your real family. I just think it’s the right choice for some, and not for others. The willingness of the mother to both love her child *and *be responsible for it is a big factor.