Attending a Wedding Question

[Tom317]

I have a brother who was baptized and raised Catholic, later in his 20s he converted to Judaism when he married a Jewish woman. Later he divorced the Jewish woman and then hooked-up with another Jewish woman. He now plans to marry the second Jewish woman at their home where they have shacked-up for the last year or two. They plan to have a female Rabbi celebrate the wedding.

Should my family and I attend?

 

[vluvski]

As a compromise to promote a good brotherly relationship, I would go myself without bringing my family. That way, I can speak privately to my children about what scandal is, and let them know I am the only one going because WE as a family love brother/uncle, but WE as a family also understand that this marriage is not appropriate; I am representing the family as a loving brother, but preventing my family from having to participate in an inappropriate celebration.

 

[Tom317]

As a compromise to promote a good brotherly relationship, I would go myself without bringing my family. That way, I can speak privately to my children about what scandal is, and let them know I am the only one going because WE as a family love brother/uncle, but WE as a family also understand that this marriage is not appropriate; I am representing the family as a loving brother, but preventing my family from having to participate in an inappropriate celebration.

That is an interesting alternative. How do you think my brother will respond? He will know it is a statement.

 

[Eileen_T]

We have a duty to:

» Convert the sinner

» Instruct the ignorant

» Counsel the doubtful

» Comfort the sorrowful

» Bear wrongs patiently

» Forgive injuries

» Pray for the living and the dead

You should talk to your brother BEFORE he goes ahead with his wedding. That it true love, even if he does not see it that way.

 

[Tom317]

We have a duty to:

» Convert the sinner

» Instruct the ignorant

» Counsel the doubtful

» Comfort the sorrowful

» Bear wrongs patiently

» Forgive injuries

» Pray for the living and the dead

You should talk to your brother BEFORE he goes ahead with his wedding. That it true love, even if he does not see it that way.

I agree completely, and thank you. The problem is, my brother would not listen to me, nor to anyone else. Plus, if he knew how I felt, he would make sure I did not attend and I would literally never see him again. Further, if by some weird chance he let me talk to him about it, and if by some miracle he thought I was making a good point, all he would do is to keep shacking-up with the Jewish woman.

It is a tough situation.

 

[vluvski]

That is an interesting alternative. How do you think my brother will respond? He will know it is a statement.

You can give him a modified version of the explanation you give your family when you RSVP. I think Eileen is right that you ought to explain yourself before the wedding and hopefully ASAP.

“I’m coming to the ceremony (call it a ceremony, not a wedding) because you’re my brother and I want you to be happy, but I cannot (use cannot, not do not) approve of this relationship (call it a relationship, not a marriage) and therefore cannot in good conscience allow the rest of my family to participate. Your plans go against the Catholic faith we were raised in, and also go against the Jewish faith. I don’t understand why you are looking for happiness outside of God’s plan for us, but if you intend to move forward with your plan I will come to show you that I will love you as my brother whether or not I agree with your decisions.”

 

[Eileen_T]

I know. I am faced with the possibility that I may not be able to attend the weddings of two of my daughters. One is planning to marry a divorced man, whether he gets an annulment or not.

The other is considering marriage to a Buddhist who she believes will refuse to do marriage preparation.

So I know all about tough. In my case though I warned them all a couple of years ago when their uncle (raised Catholic) married a divorced woman in a Baptist church. We didn’t attend and I spelled it out for them why we could not. I let them know that if they married outside the Church, I would still love them but would not be a witness to their sin.

 

[Tom317]

You can give him a modified version of the explanation you give your family when you RSVP. I think Eileen is right that you ought to explain yourself before the wedding and hopefully ASAP.

“I’m coming to the ceremony (call it a ceremony, not a wedding) because you’re my brother and I want you to be happy, but I cannot (use cannot, not do not) approve of this relationship (call it a relationship, not a marriage) and therefore cannot in good conscience allow the rest of my family to participate. Your plans go against the Catholic faith we were raised in, and also go against the Jewish faith. I don’t understand why you are looking for happiness outside of God’s plan for us, but if you intend to move forward with your plan I will come to show you that I will love you as my brother whether or not I agree with your decisions.”

He will not listen. He will reject everything I say. So, the question comes down to whether or not my family and I should at all, or perhaps not the ceremony, just attend the party.

My brother will reject any statements about God’s plan, etc., and he will also reject that what they are doing is against the Jewish faith because there are Reform Jews who have female Rabbis, etc., and they consider themselves to be children of God.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

He will not listen. He will reject everything I say. So, the question comes down to whether or not my family and I should at all, or perhaps not the ceremony, just attend the party.

My brother will reject any statements about God’s plan, etc., and he will also reject that what they are doing is against the Jewish faith because there are Reform Jews who have female Rabbis, etc., and they consider themselves to be children of God.

I have no real experience or advice that applies to what you should do, but I do think you should do what the other posters have suggested, regardless of whether your brother listens or not. All we can do is what is right. Jesus didn’t say anything about only preaching the Gospel if we’re sure the others will listen. We preach, and if other listen, great! If not, it’s not our fault, we tried. There’s nothing more you can do except pray.
Good luck, you’re in a tough situation, and I don’t envy you!

 

[a_cermak]

If he converted to Judaism, he is no longer bound by the Catholic Church’s rules, right? I mean, if that isn’t a positive step to separate oneself from the Church I don’t know what is. The more important question to him is, did he get a Get? Judaic law allows for divorce (Get) so as that is the ethos he has embraced, I don’t see why you are trying to bind him to a standard he himself has rejected.

 

[Mirdath]

I honestly don’t see why there’s such a big problem with it. He’s not Catholic – isn’t that enough for your children to know ‘this isn’t how we do things’?

Really, I see it as the exact same thing as all the ‘is it bad to attend a Protestant baptism?’ threads. It isn’t. You’re not there for the religion or to make a statement about your opinion of his life, you’re there for your family.

 

[Tom317]

I have no real experience or advice that applies to what you should do, but I do think you should do what the other posters have suggested, regardless of whether your brother listens or not. All we can do is what is right. Jesus didn’t say anything about only preaching the Gospel if we’re sure the others will listen. We preach, and if other listen, great! If not, it’s not our fault, we tried. There’s nothing more you can do except pray.
Good luck, you’re in a tough situation, and I don’t envy you!

Thank you. I have heard two separate major points about this issue. The first one is as people have said here. The second is to go only to the party, explain to my kids before the party why we are not attending the cermony, which will show them how serious the matter is.

The first option will lead to a complete fracturing of my relationship with my brother, my family and I will never see him again. The second option will send a message, but it will still leave the door open for my brother to see my family as a witness.

Not sure what to do.

 

[Tom317]

If he converted to Judaism, he is no longer bound by the Catholic Church’s rules, right? I mean, if that isn’t a positive step to separate oneself from the Church I don’t know what is. The more important question to him is, did he get a Get? Judaic law allows for divorce (Get) so as that is the ethos he has embraced, I don’t see why you are trying to bind him to a standard he himself has rejected.

I am not trying to bind him. I am worried about my own family.

 

[Tom317]

I honestly don’t see why there’s such a big problem with it. He’s not Catholic – isn’t that enough for your children to know ‘this isn’t how we do things’?

Really, I see it as the exact same thing as all the ‘is it bad to attend a Protestant baptism?’ threads. It isn’t. You’re not there for the religion or to make a statement about your opinion of his life, you’re there for your family.

Except it is a valid point to say that when attend such things, we are showing very real approval.

 

[Mirdath]

Except it is a valid point to say that when attend such things, we are showing very real approval.

Approving of their finally making it official, perhaps? I can’t tell if you’re less approving of his living with a woman he wasn’t married to or of his conversion to Judaism.

 

[a_cermak]

I am not trying to bind him. I am worried about my own family.

If your family doesn’t know that difference between the rules that others are meant to follow and the rules your family are to follow as Catholic Christians, then now would be a good time to teach them. Not everyone in the States or Europe is a Christian. Rules established by Christ (as the no divorce rule was) are meant for those who follow Jesus. Jewish people (except for the odd Messianic Jew here and there) do not follow the teachings of Jesus. They follow the Law and the Law allows for divorce.

 

[Tom317]

Approving of their finally making it official, perhaps? I can’t tell if you’re less approving of his living with a woman he wasn’t married to or of his conversion to Judaism.

Both.

 

[Tom317]

If your family doesn’t know that difference between the rules that others are meant to follow and the rules your family are to follow as Catholic Christians, then now would be a good time to teach them. Not everyone in the States or Europe is a Christian. Rules established by Christ (as the no divorce rule was) are meant for those who follow Jesus. Jewish people (except for the odd Messianic Jew here and there) do not follow the teachings of Jesus. They follow the Law and the Law allows for divorce.

Yes, I agree to a point. We are talking about my brother, raised Catholic, went to very good Catholic schools through High School, received Baptism, Confession (many times) and First Eucharist and was a Mass attending member of the family until he went to college. He cannot claim ignorance of the faith. He rejected Christ and became a Jew for a woman and has recently lived with another Jewish woman for the last year or more.

While he is now supposedly Jewish, my family knows everything I just stated and I am simply wondering if it is right for me to bring my family…

 

[a_cermak]

He may have “become a Jew for a woman”, but if that were the case, he was free to return to being a Catholic after that relationship broke up. The fact that he didn’t, indeed, got into a relationship with a woman of the same faith and wants a rabbi to officiate, would seem to indicate an attachment to his new faith of some sort.

 

[BrownR]

Unless attending a wedding from another religion is somehow a cause for sin, I don’t see how this needs to be a major problem. Honestly, I’m not sure how you should proceed. Perhaps it might be wise to ask a priest his opinion on the matter? Regardless, I think religion and politics are two topics that can truly tear a family apart and even though your brother might be living in a life of sin outside the RCC, that’s no cause to ostracize him in my opinion or overtly admonish him for his current choices if he already knows how you feel. He has a responsibility for his own life and salvation, as do you. I’d hate to see you lose a brother over a case of amplified sensitivities. If you plan on being very involved with your brother’s family and future wife/children, I’d be very careful not to overly offend them unless you truly feel there is cause to do this. Personally, I’d have no problem attending my sister’s wedding if her case was similar.