Attending Baby Shower for Unmarried Relative

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Hello,

I am new here from the Lone Star State. I am a Catholic convert for 15+ years and attend Mass weekly and have my 2 older children (8 and 10) in our local Catholic school. People probably would describe me as very conservative but I just believe we try and live by the morals and examples set forth by God’s word and so I am looking for an answer to this current “worldy” dilemma in our family.

I have a 28 year old unmarried niece who is living with her boyfriend and has, without any modesty, proclaimed the excitement of her planned pregnancy via email and notice about an impending baby shower and says they’ll get married “someday”. Although I believe that God gives all life and pray for her and her baby, my dilemma relates to attending this baby shower…this party, this celebration of a planned pregnancy outside a covenantal marriage. I am not against giving a baby gift and seeing her in private but not at a big brou ha ha over it. ?! The biggest factor for me is the fact that she’s inviting me and my 10 year old daughter. I know this will definitely be a teaching moment for my daughter because we will still see this niece at Christmas and I know my daughter will ask who she’s married to because we talk about the order of things and she knows we’ve not been to any weddings. I don’t want my daughter to attend this party and see all these people and think this is all ok when she’s at such a young impressionable age.

I wonder if I should make other plans that day and tell my niece and sister in law I can’t attend or whether to honestly tell her as lovingly as possible that I congratulate her on the baby but I think they should be thinking more about marriage and I don’t agree with the party and we are choosing not to attend.

When my husband and I questioned whether there would be an impending marriage to 2 other family members, the replies were “well, she’s happy, I guess that’s all that matters”. Really?!

We want to do whatever we can to lead them toward doing the right thing but sometimes no matter how lovingly words are conveyed, people’s defenses can go up.

I appreciate other’s opinions on this.

Thanks,
Kathryn
 
Thank you! I’m new so wasn’t sure where an appropriate place to place this thread would be.
🙂
 
Be the best example of love you can be, it sounds as if this girl is confused. Every baby deserves a party!!
 
The baby shower is to celebrate the birth of the baby. Even if the parents aren’t married, a birth is still something to celebrate. This isn’t like going to a illicit wedding, where your attendance would indicate approval. After all, you should approve of them having the baby, because the alternative is abortion. By going to a baby shower, you aren’t approving of the timing of the pregnancy, or the lack of being married, you’re celebrating the baby’s birth.

That’s my uneducated opinion anyway 🙂
 
I lean toward a more conservative stance on this issue. While I agree that the baby is as valuable as any, I don’t usually choose to attend baby showers in this type of situation - and especially with my daughter. Let’s face it, the shower really isn’t for the baby- the baby doesn’t play the games, eat the cake, or drink the punch. I’ve been to a couple of out-of-wedlock baby showers and felt like they made it all seem glamorous - too glamorous. I don’t hesitate to buy a nice gift for the baby, but I give it at some point outside of the shower with my apologies for not attending. I don’t give an explanation - I don’t think anything will be accomplished by telling an expectant mother who’s 8-9 months along that I don’t agree with her choices.
 
Neil_Anthony said:
After all, you should approve of them having the baby, because the alternative is abortion.
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This.

Fear of being ashamed is no doubt one of the reasons mothers choose abortion. If you treat single mothers who choose to have the baby like dirt, you’re not helping the pro-life cause.
 
I guess this is how things get misunderstood and misinterpreted but was there anything in my post and question that indicated I would possibly even consider treating her like dirt? Was there anything there that even remotely suggested that I thought abortion was an alternative for her situation? I said we want to lead them to do the right thing…which was to get married, certainly not abort their baby! I also mentioned that I think it’s better to see her in private and bring a gift at a later time. The thing is that getting an abortion is not anything they would even consider because they intentionally PLANNED this pregnancy out of wedlock. She specifically said in her email that after months of trying, they were excited to finally be expecting a baby in May.

The question was whether I should make other plans and decline to attend or to LOVINGLY tell her why I would not be there and especially with my daughter but I know how easy it is to put defenses up when anyone questions their choices and that can further alienate her. I attended this niece’s confirmation 10 years ago and since then she has seriously fallen away from the church and I just wonder if anyone is willing to let her know that she needs to get her life back on track. It seems so easy for everyone to just “go along to get along” and not hurt anyone’s feelings or step on toes.

I don’t believe (as the other poster said) in “glamorizing” this course of events with a party to eat, drink and be merry. It’s true that this party is not for the baby…it’s not like I’m avoiding the birthday party of a 4 year old with “out of wedlock parents” and thereby shunning the child who knows what’s going on.

Ultimately, I am choosing to pray about what course of action God wants me to do and whether I am to be an influence to her or not and how best to do that. I’m a bit frazzled though that my original post and question was interpreted as treating my niece like dirt or supporting abortion because of not going to a baby shower.
 
I don’t know what all these other posts were about, but wow, this is a pickle, isn’t it?
if you do not feel comfortable going, then by all means DON’T. Remember that well-formed conscience you’ve been working on? This is probably it, going off, with alarm bells.
Now, however, might not be the time to talk to your niece about your reasoning. Or maybe it is. You know her. I don’t. What do you think her reaction would be to your lovingly telling her your reason for not coming?
Maybe you could ask her if she plans to baptize the baby? And maybe that would be a good time to ask her why she is avoiding marriage? It sounds like these two probably love eachother very much. So, why not get married? I wonder what her reasons are.
Either way, I would send a gift, which it sounded like you planned on doing anyway. They make really cute Bible storybooks for kids and Little Tikes makes a Noah’s Ark and a little manger that my children love to chew on.😛
Also, you might offer to help out with the baby once she or he arrives, and maybe take the baby to church. In my experience, babies love church. The singing, the lights, the smells. It puts their senses to work. 😉
It sounds like your niece may have lost faith in the church entirely, though. Do not underestimate the power a baby can have to bring people back to God. Amazing what 6 pounds 4 ounces can accomplish, eh?🙂 Your niece may realize, once the baby is born, that marriage will provide a better life for her baby, too, and maybe that’s the angle that you could stress.
 
Her choice is to keep a baby- tough one these days when you are unmarried. The charitable thing to do is get a gift to her somehow. My mother would not have attended the party, thinking it gave her blessing to the unmarried “union” that made a baby. It used to carry a stigma to be unmarried and expecting. I was one of those moms actually and my mom would not allow a shower to be given.

These days, a single mom keeping a baby instead of aborting it is something to be admired/ less self-centered. Our churches even have White Rose centers that give out gifts to unmarried moms.

trying to see the difference. It’s hard - I do see both sides though.

I guess the difference is being charitable vs celebrating. :confused:
 
One thing to keep in mind is keeping a relationship with this person who might in the future, as many moms do, start looking for God. You dont want to come off as uncharitable, or holier than thou. I dony know how to go about doing it.
This makes me thin of my sister who lives in Ca. who is trying to convince my niece to have a baby for the fun of it. :eek: Believe it or not my sis is a prof at a big well known university. This is really how people think. We look like the crazy ones to think its wrong.
 
threeblessings said:
I guess this is how things get misunderstood and misinterpreted but was there anything in my post and question that indicated I would possibly even consider treating her like dirt? Was there anything there that even remotely suggested that I thought abortion was an alternative for her situation? I said we want to lead them to do the right thing…which was to get married, certainly not abort their baby!
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I’m sorry I brought up abortion. It wasn’t relevant to what you were saying. My comment was just meant to explain that I think you can go to the shower, if you want to, and it strictly speaking wouldn’t be a sin, in my opinion.
 
my standard reply to such invitations is to politely decline on account of a previous commitment, along with a wish and prayer for safety and health of mother and child, and to send a gift for the baby when it is born. there is however no moral reason to stay away from the shower if you would ordinarily go for a relative of that degree. There is an urgent reason however to have a discussion with your daughter about the situation, the teachings of our faith, and sadness that your niece has abandoned this teaching, stressing that we are judging her actions, not the person, and that in situations like this we take the chance to express love for the person as the Christian attitude. and warn her about etiquette in discussing such things in public, making comments etc.
 
Here’s what I did.

My (non-Catholic, ex-JW) niece was pregnant with twins; she lives a couple of states away. I didn’t send a gift for the baby shower. I let my niece know that I thought she went about things all wrong; that marriage should come before having babies. I also told her that if she had 14 babies by 13 different men, I would still love her no matter what. (My sister & my other two nieces are JWs, and “shun” her. Her father is dead.)

We went down for the birth, bringing gifts for the babies. We felt strongly that someone from her Mom’s side of the family should be there. Had a lovely visit, and good talks. She lives with the Dad, and he’s a good father. They don’t want to marry until they’re sure it would be forever. I respect that, in spite of their error about having babies anyway!

So, I keep praying that God will draw them closer together, and that they will be led to the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church. Please join me!

thanks,

Ruthie
 
As an outsider who is basically familiar with your theology, I think your Jesus would attend. He died for everyone, including this child-to-be and the parents. If you really cannot attend that is one thing, but I would recommend being gracious and welcoming regardless of circumstance.
 
IMHO, I don’t see anything wrong with attending the shower. The circumstance your niece has found herself in is unfortunate and far from ideal; however, she is in large part a victim of the culture in America. Rather than taking a stand to show her how wrong she is, why not extend the love of Christ and gently evangelize your faith. Maybe share with her your own conversion story. St. Augustine fathered a child out of wedlock before he came into the faith. Pray for your niece they way St. Monica prayed for her son, Augustine.
 
I’ve read/participated in several threads on this topic at CAF. Usually the opihion is split.

I side with the send a polite decline, bring a present and meal after the baby is born. Or, if you feel the mom needs support, meet with her privately.

One of my concerns is the young women/teen girls who attend, see, or even hear about these events. So many of these young women are hungry for love and attention. And, I think baby showers could possibly contribute to their desire for rushing into motherhood without marriage. There is no way to know, of course, so I think it’s better to be safe than sorry. I think baby showers should be reserved for married expectant moms.
 
I guess I see it as something to offer Jesus.
No one made the Prodigal son stay but I notice no one wanted to go along with him when he left.
I don’t go to events that may leave a question of what I approve of or not but I do bring food and a gift after the baby is born.
I’m also reminded of St. Joseph when the Virgin was pregnant but he didn’t know what happened. He didn’t make it public but he also was very clearly not going to go along.
I’m also offended by the comment of someone saying Jesus would have gone. It makes me feel you believe I’m being unkind by not going along. Jesus did sit with sinners but he also said not to continue in that lifestyle. It sounds like this young women was at one time aware but has chosen to walk away?
 
If it were me, I would not attend the shower with or without my daughter. I would, however, send a gift after the birth of the baby and probably bring a meal too, if I lived close enough to do so. I’d also pray for mom and baby too.

Judging by some responses, I think some folks missed a few details in the original post. The original post indicates that this was a planned pregnancy without marriage, meaning this person is not “finding” herself in a difficult situation at all. She willingly and apparently happily put herself there and plans to marry “someday.” That doesn’t change anything for me, but I just think it might bear pointing out to those who apparently missed that detail.
 
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