Attending Mass with Autistic Child

[Cattitude]

My son is 10 years old and has high-functioning autism. He is very difficult to handle at Mass (and everywhere else for that matter!).

He hates going to Mass, stating he is bored. I try to engage him with what is going on, but he has absolutely no interest and can get combative. He has trouble sitting still. He will sometimes make distracting noises, giggle uncontrollably, or complain loudly.

He will loudly state that he has to use the restroom (not in those words) or needs a drink until he is taken out. I have tried bringing something to do, like a Mass quiz appropriate for his age, but he will answer a question or 2 then turn the page over and draw pictures. Sometimes the pictures are intricate highway maps, other times they could be unhappy people or worse.

At home, he often refuses to pray with his siblings and me. Many times he has told me that he doesn’t think God exists and that it is all made up. Alternatively, he says he hates God. Obviously, at age 10 (he is of average to above-average intelligence, but below average in emotional maturity) he is confused.

We home school using a Catholic curriculum and I try to incorporate our faith into everyday life, but it just does not seem to matter to him. To complicate things, my husband is not Catholic (or any sort of practicing Christian). He will go to Mass with us, but has no interest in daily prayer or other aspects of the faith.

I guess I am just looking for advice to help engage my son in our Catholic faith in a way that he can with his autistic brain, and ways to help him be more calm at Mass. And some prayers for our family would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Xantippe]

My son is 10 years old and has high-functioning autism. He is very difficult to handle at Mass (and everywhere else for that matter!).

He hates going to Mass, stating he is bored. I try to engage him with what is going on, but he has absolutely no interest and can get combative. He has trouble sitting still. He will sometimes make distracting noises, giggle uncontrollably, or complain loudly.

He will loudly state that he has to use the restroom (not in those words) or needs a drink until he is taken out. I have tried bringing something to do, like a Mass quiz appropriate for his age, but he will answer a question or 2 then turn the page over and draw pictures. Sometimes the pictures are intricate highway maps, other times they could be unhappy people or worse.

At home, he often refuses to pray with his siblings and me. Many times he has told me that he doesn’t think God exists and that it is all made up. Alternatively, he says he hates God. Obviously, at age 10 (he is of average to above-average intelligence, but below average in emotional maturity) he is confused.

We home school using a Catholic curriculum and I try to incorporate our faith into everyday life, but it just does not seem to matter to him. To complicate things, my husband is not Catholic (or any sort of practicing Christian). He will go to Mass with us, but has no interest in daily prayer or other aspects of the faith.

I guess I am just looking for advice to help engage my son in our Catholic faith in a way that he can with his autistic brain, and ways to help him be more calm at Mass. And some prayers for our family would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Bummer.

Have you tried Magnifikids?

 

[Viki63]

Praying for your family.

You know best what rewards or consequences work for your son. Would an immediate reward right after mass for sitting still, work for him? Going out for ice cream, being allowed to watch a favorite video or toy only allowed on Sundays?

Statistics show that children tend to follow the religion of their fathers. Perhaps you could discuss the faith with your husband, and encourage him to think about it, maybe attend RCIA with you to learn about it?
I mention this because if he’s at mass with you, maybe he could manage your son’s behavior more effectively. A firm touch from a father is sometimes worth a paragraph of admonition from a mother.

You are to be commended for your efforts and perseverance. It’s hard enough to manage kids who aren’t autistic at mass; I used to feel like I’d been wrestling an alligator after attending with my daughter as a toddler.

.

 

[underacloud]

Do you worry about him being loud and a distraction at mass? Because…well…don’t. I have nothing but admiration and sympathy for parents who bring difficult children to mass, and I believe that 98% of parishioners would agree.

We have 4 children, 2 of which have ASD. It certainly can be hard. We do our best to balance the desire to keep them (all 4 of them) quiet, but also engaged in the mass. Some days the focus shifts to just keeping one or more of them calm/quiet, so I’d say if he’s happy colouring or drawing then that’s ok.

In terms of his issues with the faith, I’m surprised that they would arise at the age of ten. He’s either very intellectually mature or he’s getting these ideas from elsewhere. Is the father saying things that provoke these thoughts? If he’s homeschooled, where else could he be exposed to such thoughts? Anyway, to an extent it doesn’t matter too much as these are issues everyone must face. I would merely encourage you that you are giving a good witness to the faith by taking him to mass regularly and showing him how important your faith is to you.

 

[LittleScoty]

Dear friend,

I am the stepfather of a 16 year old boy who suffers from aspergers syndrome. It’s a tough one for sure. Getting our boy involved with some role that inspires his self esteem usually helps. For example: handing out flyers and schedules as people enter or being “The official door holder”. Basically being a sort of junior usher. Now this does involve the help and cooperation of folks in your parish but my experience is that with such children it truly does take a village to raise them. Try to make him feel important and needed to the community and give him an opportunity to be able to move about a little.

As far as his believing… I simply would look for answers to prayers. Once when watching the news I saw a story about people feeding the homeless. Our family had been asking God during our evening prayers to help feed all the hungry people… I ran with it. " Look" I said to my daughter who was also watching “God answered our prayer! Look at all the people being fed”!

Hope this gives you some ideas.

Best wishes to you and yours along with our prayers.

 

[Don_Ruggero]

My son is 10 years old and has high-functioning autism. He is very difficult to handle at Mass (and everywhere else for that matter!).

He hates going to Mass, stating he is bored. I try to engage him with what is going on, but he has absolutely no interest and can get combative. He has trouble sitting still. He will sometimes make distracting noises, giggle uncontrollably, or complain loudly.

He will loudly state that he has to use the restroom (not in those words) or needs a drink until he is taken out. I have tried bringing something to do, like a Mass quiz appropriate for his age, but he will answer a question or 2 then turn the page over and draw pictures. Sometimes the pictures are intricate highway maps, other times they could be unhappy people or worse.

At home, he often refuses to pray with his siblings and me. Many times he has told me that he doesn’t think God exists and that it is all made up. Alternatively, he says he hates God. Obviously, at age 10 (he is of average to above-average intelligence, but below average in emotional maturity) he is confused.

We home school using a Catholic curriculum and I try to incorporate our faith into everyday life, but it just does not seem to matter to him. To complicate things, my husband is not Catholic (or any sort of practicing Christian). He will go to Mass with us, but has no interest in daily prayer or other aspects of the faith.

I guess I am just looking for advice to help engage my son in our Catholic faith in a way that he can with his autistic brain, and ways to help him be more calm at Mass. And some prayers for our family would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Have you considered reaching out to the good people at the Institute for the Psychological Sciences (IPS)? I came to know of this institute a few years ago and am impressed by them. They are quite solid in terms of their Catholicism and their orientation in psychology. Their clinicians would have a background in developmental psychology and they may have valuable insights to offer you.

As a priest, I assure you of my prayers.

 

[frangiuliano115]

My son is 10 years old and has high-functioning autism. He is very difficult to handle at Mass (and everywhere else for that matter!).

He hates going to Mass, stating he is bored. I try to engage him with what is going on, but he has absolutely no interest and can get combative. He has trouble sitting still. He will sometimes make distracting noises, giggle uncontrollably, or complain loudly.

He will loudly state that he has to use the restroom (not in those words) or needs a drink until he is taken out. I have tried bringing something to do, like a Mass quiz appropriate for his age, but he will answer a question or 2 then turn the page over and draw pictures. Sometimes the pictures are intricate highway maps, other times they could be unhappy people or worse.

At home, he often refuses to pray with his siblings and me. Many times he has told me that he doesn’t think God exists and that it is all made up. Alternatively, he says he hates God. Obviously, at age 10 (he is of average to above-average intelligence, but below average in emotional maturity) he is confused.

We home school using a Catholic curriculum and I try to incorporate our faith into everyday life, but it just does not seem to matter to him. To complicate things, my husband is not Catholic (or any sort of practicing Christian). He will go to Mass with us, but has no interest in daily prayer or other aspects of the faith.

I guess I am just looking for advice to help engage my son in our Catholic faith in a way that he can with his autistic brain, and ways to help him be more calm at Mass. And some prayers for our family would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Hi Cattitude
I know your problem well. I have a 15 year old granddaughter with autism.
One poster spoke about rewards and consequences but you and I both know this won’t work. People have a difficult time understanding that the fact that normal strategies won’t work is BECAUSE the person has autism. If they worked, they wouldn’t have autism!

Anyway, let me say that I’m really surprised that your son does not believe in God. These children naturally tend to want to love God and believe in Him, not only as existing, but only in believing in the sense that they want to follow Him and His ways - they want to be like Jesus.

I’m going to speak clearly, I hope you don’t mind. I think it’s incorrect to bring him to Mass against his will. He will not learn discipline from this anyway - as you well know.
I would go to Mass without him. It’s unfortunate that this would have to be the case, but the sacrifices you make are many and this would be one more to add to the batch.

You cannot force God on him. Speak about God every now and then. Give God a name - Jesus. Let him come to know Jesus. Buy books about him. I use Catholic Catechism books for my granddaughter. She loves to look at the pictures and will read a little and also answer some of the questions. But she does not like to go to Mass. It’s just too difficult for her, the crowed, the bells, the movements, you know.

If you want my opinion, I’d concentrate on introducing JESUS to him and not the rituals (sorry for that word) that go along with knowing the Lord. They cannot handle rituals.

in time, he might come to be able to attend mass - or maybe not. God loves him anyway and has a special place for him in heaven and also FOR YOU and your family. I know how it is.

God bless you all

 

[tawny]

Praying for you & your family.

 

[Cloisters]

I’m HFA, as is my eldest son. I grew up Baptist, but the Mass kept my attention. I converted at 16.

I would have your son sit, focus on the tabernacle, and instruct him to listen to his heart. Has he received first holy communion yet?

Also, respect the brain. Brainy people have to be told that they were put on this earth to do a job that only they can do, and their talents are to help people, not be egotistical. Autism follows rules, and God’s Will is the #1 rule. See if he’ll explain his feelings about God. Why does he hate Him?

They do have a problem with sitting still. Keep taking him to Mass, but permit him to walk around outside – accompanied. He’ll remember your kindness of permitting him to do so, but gently remind him of this kindness, as a form of good manners and providing for his needs.

I appreciate the fact that your husband attends Mass with you, but very sweetly mention that you need his Godly example to assist with raising the kids. My own hubby has been very brusque at times and I’ve had to tell my sons that “We don’t act like that,” or “We don’t treat people like that.” He is a Gulf War I veteran, and very embittered toward everything. I think he’s spectrum, too, but he refuses to be tested.

Is there a homeschooling co-op in the area? Does your family take field trips with other homeschoolers? Does the local school system offer resources for special needs kids? While we homeschooled for four years, I took my son almost daily to his former school for resource class. They played a game called “Socially Speaking” and he had an envelope with a word written on it every day. His job was to make a sentence. The one sentence I remember was to include the word “lovely” – “Being home is lovely.”

Part of our job is to learn to channel those energies. And don’t neglect your other kids, too. See if they have any insights in to how to help him. They love doing this.

I will ask St. Gilbert of Sempringham; Leonie Martin; and Blessed Herman Contractus (for whom our homeschool was named) to intercede for your situation.

Blessings,
Cloisters

 

[peter26]

My brother is autistic. He always likes everything to be the same, so I would think there is the potential for your son to come to appreciate the Mass, it being almost the same every week. I would focus on encouraging him to learn more about the Mass. Does he know the responses, if not that is a good place to start, if so you could go into what they mean. I’d also echo what others have said about getting him more involved in the Mass. Does he like to sing? If so, that is a good one to encourage.

 

[pensmama87]

You mentioned homeschooling. Does your family take advantage of resources that are available for children on the spectrum? You might pose this question to some of those people - even if they’re not religious, they could have ideas on how to make the sensory experiences easier or tone down some of the behavioral issues at Mass.

Do you work with the DRE at your parish at all for your son’s religious education?

 

[Jerusha]

Is the father saying things that provoke these thoughts? If he’s homeschooled, where else could he be exposed to such thoughts? Anyway, to an extent it doesn’t matter too much as these are issues everyone must face. I would merely encourage you that you are giving a good witness to the faith by taking him to mass regularly and showing him how important your faith is to you.

People on the autism spectrum have difficulties coping with interpersonal discord in their social environment. It is imperative that you and your husband get on the same page with this. I tell you this because of very painful personal experiences with my own son.

 

[Cattitude]

Bummer.

Have you tried Magnifikids?

Not with him (used it with his older sister several years ago). I will have him look at it and see what he thinks. Thank you!

Some days the focus shifts to just keeping one or more of them calm/quiet, so I’d say if he’s happy colouring or drawing then that’s ok.

This might be where we start.

In terms of his issues with the faith, I’m surprised that they would arise at the age of ten. He’s either very intellectually mature or he’s getting these ideas from elsewhere. Is the father saying things that provoke these thoughts?

He has in the past, but not regularly. However, the attitude of my husband speaks louder than words, I’m afraid.

When I asked my son where he got the idea that God doesn’t exist, he pointed to his head and said it came from his brain. Maybe he just has trouble with God as an abstract concept that you can’t see, touch, etc. And although he knows about the Real Presence, it’s not enough.

 

[Cattitude]

Hi Cattitude
I know your problem well. I have a 15 year old granddaughter with autism.
One poster spoke about rewards and consequences but you and I both know this won’t work. People have a difficult time understanding that the fact that normal strategies won’t work is BECAUSE the person has autism. If they worked, they wouldn’t have autism!

This is so true!!

Anyway, let me say that I’m really surprised that your son does not believe in God. These children naturally tend to want to love God and believe in Him, not only as existing, but only in believing in the sense that they want to follow Him and His ways - they want to be like Jesus.

I’m going to speak clearly, I hope you don’t mind. I think it’s incorrect to bring him to Mass against his will. He will not learn discipline from this anyway - as you well know.
I would go to Mass without him. It’s unfortunate that this would have to be the case, but the sacrifices you make are many and this would be one more to add to the batch.

You cannot force God on him. Speak about God every now and then. Give God a name - Jesus. Let him come to know Jesus. Buy books about him. I use Catholic Catechism books for my granddaughter. She loves to look at the pictures and will read a little and also answer some of the questions. But she does not like to go to Mass. It’s just too difficult for her, the crowed, the bells, the movements, you know.

If you want my opinion, I’d concentrate on introducing JESUS to him and not the rituals (sorry for that word) that go along with knowing the Lord. They cannot handle rituals.

in time, he might come to be able to attend mass - or maybe not. God loves him anyway and has a special place for him in heaven and also FOR YOU and your family. I know how it is.

God bless you all

He has many books about Jesus and the saints. They are “boring”.

Thank you for your thoughts, I will take it to prayer.

 

[Cattitude]

I would have your son sit, focus on the tabernacle, and instruct him to listen to his heart. Has he received first holy communion yet?

Yes, he has received First Holy Communion.

Also, respect the brain. Brainy people have to be told that they were put on this earth to do a job that only they can do, and their talents are to help people, not be egotistical. Autism follows rules, and God’s Will is the #1 rule. See if he’ll explain his feelings about God. Why does he hate Him?

I think this comes from frustration about his situation. When he gets upset about “life” - which is often - he lashes out. Usually at me (I am mean, he hates me, etc) and he probably thinks of God as an extension of me since I am the “religious” one.

This is something we are also working through.

They do have a problem with sitting still. Keep taking him to Mass, but permit him to walk around outside – accompanied. He’ll remember your kindness of permitting him to do so, but gently remind him of this kindness, as a form of good manners and providing for his needs.

I appreciate the fact that your husband attends Mass with you, but very sweetly mention that you need his Godly example to assist with raising the kids. My own hubby has been very brusque at times and I’ve had to tell my sons that “We don’t act like that,” or “We don’t treat people like that.” He is a Gulf War I veteran, and very embittered toward everything. I think he’s spectrum, too, but he refuses to be tested.

This is an issue of contention between my husband and I for several years. He has very little patience and can be rough on our son.

Thank you for your prayers.

 

[Cattitude]

Here is a link for the National Catholic Partnership on Disability. April is Autism awareness month. There are several links, videos and some printable resources on this link here that (perhaps) may be of some use to you. Although not all may be:

ncpd.org/ministries-programs/specific/autism

For example, the Archdiocese of Newark has a printable version of a child going to church. I know that it has been encouraged for parents, churches and dioceses to take photos at church and have visual aids/books for children to follow along with at Mass. Would this be useful to your son? It might be better if it was his own home parish where the photos were taken?

It might seem like a monumental task, but perhaps bring your son with you, take photos of the church doors, photos of the altar, a photo even of him sitting in church so he can see a photo of himself sitting quietly in church so he can say to himself “this is time for me to sit and pray for a few minutes.” You know your son best, but my child was helped IMMENSELY by visual aids. Also it helped to know what was next, when the end was, etc…

Hope this helps a little anyway, please be assured of my prayers.

p.s. has your son received the Sacraments of Reconciliation and First Communion?

Thank you for this resource, I was not aware of the NCPD.

He is helped somewhat by visual aids. Even more, he seems to be responding well at home to a written schedule with times on it. Perhaps having a written schedule of what happens at Mass with approximate times would help him to see on paper what is coming next and how much longer we have.

He receives communion and we go to confession every couple of months.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I will try to be as frank and nice as I can on here, keeping in mind that some of the advice in this forum is overly harsh.

I have what your son has, and I understand how this is difficult for the both of you.

But the major issue I see isn’t so much a 10 year old boy, it’s that his father wants little to nothing to do with the faith.

Raising him as a Catholic will not be easy with one parent not helping. Have you discussed with your husband how important this is to you?

My guess is that as smart as he is, he’s getting non-belief influence from his father–even if you don’t easily notice it.

Overall, I would encourage you to continue to use your priest as a resource and if necessary get counseling for your son.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi Cattitude,

I came across this article that I thought might be of help to you. It’s from the Catholic Daily Herald, and discusses some tips on bringing your autistic child to Mass.

Here is a link to the article:

catholicherald.com/stories/Autism-tolerance-compassion-and-tips-to-help-kids-sit-through-Mass-,16023

I’m also editing my post to include a picture missal/flip book-type resource if you’re interested in taking a look at it. It’s available from Loyola Press.

It has church/the Mass in pictures, for young children.

Here is a link to the product:

loyolapress.com/my-picture-missal-and-mass-picture-cards.htm

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

My son is 10 years old and has high-functioning autism. He is very difficult to handle at Mass (and everywhere else for that matter!).

He hates going to Mass, stating he is bored. I try to engage him with what is going on, but he has absolutely no interest and can get combative. He has trouble sitting still. He will sometimes make distracting noises, giggle uncontrollably, or complain loudly.

He will loudly state that he has to use the restroom (not in those words) or needs a drink until he is taken out. I have tried bringing something to do, like a Mass quiz appropriate for his age, but he will answer a question or 2 then turn the page over and draw pictures. Sometimes the pictures are intricate highway maps, other times they could be unhappy people or worse.

At home, he often refuses to pray with his siblings and me. Many times he has told me that he doesn’t think God exists and that it is all made up. Alternatively, he says he hates God. Obviously, at age 10 (he is of average to above-average intelligence, but below average in emotional maturity) he is confused.

We home school using a Catholic curriculum and I try to incorporate our faith into everyday life, but it just does not seem to matter to him. To complicate things, my husband is not Catholic (or any sort of practicing Christian). He will go to Mass with us, but has no interest in daily prayer or other aspects of the faith.

I guess I am just looking for advice to help engage my son in our Catholic faith in a way that he can with his autistic brain, and ways to help him be more calm at Mass. And some prayers for our family would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

He would likely find a Latin Mass more interesting, here is a source with a listing of those in Michigan, hopefully some are close
latinmassschedule.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=23:michigan&catid=54:tridentine-mass-schedule-by-state&Itemid=2

This is going to seem extremely weird, but I’d actually suggest having him watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, it really does seem to help ASD people achieve higher social function.

 

[frangiuliano115]

This is so true!!

He has many books about Jesus and the saints. They are “boring”.

Thank you for your thoughts, I will take it to prayer.

You will be in my prayers Cattitude.
As you well know, no two autistic persons are the same.
I just noticed that you have 3 other children also.
You will be in my prayers.
You are an angel in human form and you deserve much praise.
Keep strong. All the low moments are temporary, our strength comes from God.

FG