Would we give a bad example to the siblings of the bride and others by going to the wedding as in saying : it is perfectly o.k. to live together before getting married and then we support you anyway when you do get married?
Also…are we participating in a grave evil by continuing to support our daughter (financially for example or otherwise) knowing she is cohabiting with her fiancee?
I am not a moral theologian (so as they say, my advice and $2.00 will get you somewhere on the local transit).
However, if someone said to me “Going to your daughter’s wedding after she had been living with her boyfriend is wrong”, I would ask them which moral treatise they were using as a reference.
I would also ask them if they thought that living together was an unforgiveable sin, and if it is not, are they presuming, since she is now doing what she should have in the first place, that she is not trying to do the right thing? Are they presuming she has not been forgiven?
And if they are not, then why should I not go?
There is a difference between supporting one’s children, and supporting the choices they make. There are plenty of people around who would say that you cut them off - financially, or emotionally, I have meet all too many of those people. And on a rare occasion, the child has amended their ways; in the vast majority of circumstances, there is a rift that is becoming permanent.
There is a difference between hating the sin and hating the sinner. I would hazard a guess that your daughter is bright enough to know that you do not approve in any way her living with her boyfriend.
You can tell a child what you approve of and what you don’t, but you cannot make them change. Cutting them off is an act of condemnation. I don’t recall anywhere in the Gospels that Christ cut anyone off. He excoriated the Pharisees repeatedly - but He did not cut off contact with them.
As to anyone else and what they have to say about your choice, my short answer is this is not their daughter. She is yours. You get to live with the choice that you make - not the other people.
Keep in mind also that there were plenty of people who were scandalized by Christ. There is a difference between scandalizing someone because you do evil, and scandalizing someone because you choose to do the right thing - the right thing here being forgiving your daughter and putting that behind you.
Too many people are scandalized by forgiveness; they want rather to extract, like Shylock, a pound of flesh. They want vengeance, they want to beat the other person down with “I am right and you are wrong!” So Christ-like, yes? No.
As to any grave evil in financial support - a) would you be giving her financial support if she was not living with her boyfriend? If so, then the support is not because she is doing so.
B) Do you really think that cutting off funds will cause her to change her heart (as well as her actions)? And if it won’t, then what will be accomplished, other than driving her farther away from you? And the purpose of that is - what? Not being in contact with a sinner?
If you don’t really know the answer to those two questions, then I would ask a priest, outside of confession for advice.
As to others and their opinions: your daughter is an adult, and it is not your job to condemn her and punish her - nor is it theirs, no matter how self righteous they may be. That is between her and God. Loving her
is not the same as approving of her lifestyle, and you should make that clear to her - once should be enough. Hounding her every time you see her is not treating her as an adult, but rather is an attempt to manipulate her. She needs to make the right moral choice, and that needs to come from her will, not from a concession to coercion.
And if she continues to make bad choices, it is still your duty as a parent and a Christian to love her. Not to approve of her sin, but to love her.
