Attending Weddings

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Do you attend non-Catholic weddings or weddings where the couple lived togther first? If you don’t attend, do you say why or just make up an excuse? Do you send a
gift? I have some of these wedding coming up and I’m not sure how to handle them.

In the case of a couple living together – if they are being married in the church, then I assume the priest is aware of their living arrangement and has spoken to them about it. It the priest allows them to receive the
sacrament of marriage, then the church is blessing their marriage and I have no authority to object or not attend. However, I recently found out many girls lie to their priests and use their parent’s mailing address.

Also, in the case of non-Catholic friends, it is easy for me to accept
protestant friends being married in the protestant church. They are simply
following their own belief structure.

However, it is very hard for me to accept “catholic” friends being married
in civil ceremonies or in their spouses faith. It is also hard for me to
feel happy about any civil marriage or other non-Catholic weddings where the
couple lived together first.

These are just my thoughts. Do you agree or disagree? I know some Angels
have found themselves in these situations and I am curious how people of
faith approach this situation. I have half a dozen weddings coming up this
year. Plus, my older brother just got engaged and does not seem to be
planning a wedding in the church. My parents may not attend his wedding. I
could not imagine missing my own brother’s wedding, but . . .

Does attending a wedding mean you condone the couple and their wedding
method? If so, as Catholics, what can we simply not condone regardless of
the fall-out? Should there be one rule for family and one rule for everyone
else? What do you guys think?

Julie
 
Thanks for your post. You raised some interesting questions.
As a person who faces one or more of my family members not coming to my wedding, I can let you know that(hypothetically) your friend or relative may be very upset or disappointed at you non-presence.
I am a baptized cathloic but have been swaying back and forth from Episcopal to Catholic over the past couple of years. I am doing my best to continue my search and am engaged to a non-christian who respects my beliefs and supports whatever decision I make regarding my own religion. In the same respect, he believes deeply in his own religion and I would never interfere with that either. we have found a common ground in which our morals and spiritual beliefs both stand. I do currently live with him. My grandfather is a catholic Zealot (one of the extremes). He does not know my fiance’s religion and never will since it is non of his business but he will not attend my wedding if I decided to get married in the Episcopal church or a non catholic- christian ceremony.
I have put great thought into this and am doing my best to go through the proper channels in the Catholic church, however conversion is not an option for my fiance and neither is it an option for me. I have come up against some resistance from the Catholic church for many different reasons, either for timing issues or for living arrangements. It kills me to think that my grandfather will not be at my wedding and even worse not at the celebration afterward. And in the future, he will never come to my house.
This is supposed to be a day where I can celebrate with my family the commitment that I have made to the man I love in the site of God and everybody.
I have delayed my wedding several times in order to contemplate, but ultimately t comes down to the fact that he will be missed at one of the happies days of my life.

I am not insinuating that you are wrong in your question or that you (hypothetically) not attending is wrong in any way, just that I am sure that the couple would probably miss you very much and be very disappointed that you could not make it.
I hope this gives you some insight into the other side of the situation. Please do not think that i am trying to sway your opinion or to deny your concience as it is just as important for you to follow what god tell you in your heart as much as he tells me to do what is in mine.
Thanks for your post. I look forward to the response from others as well.
 
Julie,

I understand the difficulty. A few years back, a Muslim friend of mine invited me to his (Muslim) wedding, I accepted without hesitation, but, then has some reservations when I found out his bride was a former Catholic. I went anyway.

Another Lutheran friend invited me to his wedding to a divorced Christian (Catholic I think). I attended, but again wasn’t sure.

I don’t have any close homosexual friends, but I did have a lesbian boss a few years back. What if she had invited me to her “wedding”? That would have been difficult, but fortunately didn’t happen.

Well, now that I’m in my late 30s, I don’t get invited to as many weddings anymore (more baptisms), so this issue seems to be resolving itself. However, I have neices and nephews in their late teens, early 20s, so I guess I’ll be invited to their weddings in a few years, and I fear they very well might not be Catholic.

One more thought for you: Miss Manners (Washington Post etiquette columnist) was asked what should be the attitude of a Christian invited to a wedding of a couple that had been living together. MM’s response: “Relief.” I think that’s about right – hey, the couple is (finally) getting it right, so be happy about it.

Maybe it depends on which direction somebody is heading: If somebody you know to be a long-time faithful serious Catholic were to invite you to his wedding to an atheist in a courthouse, or to his gay wedding, maybe don’t go – the person has taken leave of his senses and you don’t want to encourage that. On the other hand, if your militant atheist friend were getting married to a fellow atheist in a courthouse, maybe go – they were in this spot all along, so your going or not going isn’t going to make any difference.

Were the Church to just come out with a decree saying that we the Catholic faithful shouldn’t attend any wedding unless its within the Catholic Church, I’d obey – but, such a step would really set us Catholics apart from the rest of society, and really isolate us. Maybe that would be a good thing, but that isolation would clearly happen.

Good luck!

Tony
 
My Sister-in-law has just got engaged, and I’m really happy! She hasn’t been attending mass, and has been living with him for about 8 years now (he’s not a Catholic, long story, but he is a great guy).

We’ve tried to encourage her back to the Church and feel we have been making some progress lately, she has been enjoying life with her niece and nephews.

She wants to get married in our Church. The Church she was Baptised in as a baby, the Church she attended all her life and that she attended for both her Father & Mother’s funeral. She is coming to mass on Sunday and my wife and I are so very happy!

Now I imagine that many members of our board would be outraged, but I really do see this as a great opportunity to bring her home. She has already approached me regarding several issues of the marriage and it is evident that she wants a Catholic marriage, she wants to be maried in the eyes of God according to the tradition she was born into. If she has shown a desire, if God is calling her home, should I meet her with semands of repentance? Or the open arms of the Father welcoming home a lost child?

Of course, I am troubled by many aspects of this arrangement, certainly I have not held back insofaras I have been asked about Church policy on the matter. But I feel it will be my Priests decision and job to gently guide her back into the fold without ostracising her or making her feel not wanted.

As she begins her married life, how much more do I desire her close to me, at mass with me, her children attending the Catholic school with my children? I will demonstrate this through my constant love and utmost support, and all the while I will pray to the Lord my God that she enters fully back into communion with our Catholic community.
 
If I have been invited to a wedding of any sort, I make an effort to attend if I am able. I leave the “judging” concerning the couple’s moral status up to God (i.e., whether they lived together before marriage, whether one or both partners was a former Catholic, whether they practice artificial birth control or have had one or more abortions, whether one was a former priest not laicized, whether one or both were once married Catholics and never obtained an anullment, whether the couple are of the same gender, etc.).

In a few weeks I will attend my nephew’s wedding in a Jehovah’s Witness Kingdom Hall. My nephew’s spouse is a former Roman Catholic, recently “converted.” My nephew’s parents are former practicing Roman Catholics. His father, my brother, will be performing the wedding ceremony as a JW Elder. I am very happy for them and wish them all the best as they begin their new lives together. They are all active Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I affirm, acknowledge and support their decision to remain so.
 
Hey, 4 marks,

You wrote: “If I have been invited to a wedding of any sort, I make an effort to attend if I am able. I leave the ‘judging’ concerning the couple’s moral status up to God (i.e., whether they lived together before marriage, whether one or both partners was a former Catholic, whether they practice artificial birth control or have had one or more abortions, whether the couple are of the same gender, etc.).”

But wouldn’t there be some sorts of weddings you’d just say no to? For example:
  1. Your female Catholic friend is getting married to a Muslim man who already has three current wives.
  2. A wedding of two men and two women all to each other; so both wives will be shared by both husbands.
  3. A marriage of a human being to a barnyard animal.
  4. A wedding of a person with a death-wish and a necrophiliac; the couple plans on the necrophiliac killing the death-wish person during the honeymoon.
  5. The wedding of your spouse to another person even though your spouse is still married to you.
  6. A Catholic wedding reception where the couple announces ahead of time that instead of the groom feeding the bride wedding cake, the groom will feed the bride an oral contraceptive?
Would you really go to all of those weddings, if invited? And furthermore, as to 5 above, wouldn’t you hope that your friends wouldn’t attend?

Tony
 
Fighting Fat,

Well, my understanding is that Muslim men are allowed four wives, according to the Koran, so I wouldn’t think #1 above is so unusual of a situation.

Example #2: Well, I have a good friend who swears he knew of such a foursome marriage.

Example #4: I heard about two consenting adults in Europe (Germany?) that agreed to such a necrophiliac relationship. I think it was premarital necrophilia, however.

Example #6: Not common, but I could imagine a couple doing that in an effort to make some sort of statement in opposition to the Church’s teaching on artificial contraception.

But, OK, for the sake of argument, I’ll grant you that all of the examples are extreme, and not ones that any of us are likely to encounter in our lives. But, if 4 marks were indeed invited to such weddings, I would imagine that at least some of them she would attend. And I suppose it would be out of some sort of moral opposition to such marriages (ahem – “marriages”).

So, what this brings up is to show that inevitably there is some sort of line-drawing that a person must do – these sort of marriages I will attend, but these other sorts I won’t. But once you grant that, then one can’t just say “Well, I go to all weddings that I’m invited to, I would never sit in moral judgement.” Oh, but yes you would! So, then the issue becomes which marriages are in the morally-acceptable range, and which are not? I myself admit to having some difficulty drawing the line (see my earlier post in this string), but a line is necessary, I think, and thus, to suggest that one would attend any and all marriages is perhaps not very helpful, nor accurate.

I have sometimes considered that the easiest rule for myself would be: I will not attend any marriage unless performed by a Catholic priest in his role as Catholic priest. I’ve considered such rule, but haven’t had the social guts to follow through with such a rule. However, following through with such a rule would be much easier were the Church to mandate it ("Gee, Leslie, thank you for inviting me to your wedding with Sebastian, but you know I am Catholic, and the Vatican just came out with some decree saying that we can only attend Catholic weddings … ").

Tony
 
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TonyC:
Hey, 4 marks,

You wrote: “If I have been invited to a wedding of any sort, I make an effort to attend if I am able. I leave the ‘judging’ concerning the couple’s moral status up to God (i.e., whether they lived together before marriage, whether one or both partners was a former Catholic, whether they practice artificial birth control or have had one or more abortions, whether the couple are of the same gender, etc.).”

But wouldn’t there be some sorts of weddings you’d just say no to? For example:
  1. Your female Catholic friend is getting married to a Muslim man who already has three current wives.
  2. A wedding of two men and two women all to each other; so both wives will be shared by both husbands.
  3. A marriage of a human being to a barnyard animal.
  4. A wedding of a person with a death-wish and a necrophiliac; the couple plans on the necrophiliac killing the death-wish person during the honeymoon.
  5. The wedding of your spouse to another person even though your spouse is still married to you.
  6. A Catholic wedding reception where the couple announces ahead of time that instead of the groom feeding the bride wedding cake, the groom will feed the bride an oral contraceptive?
Would you really go to all of those weddings, if invited? And furthermore, as to 5 above, wouldn’t you hope that your friends wouldn’t attend?

Tony
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  1. I would try to attend if invited
  2. Not permitted under present civil law, so not recognized as a valid form of civil marriage.
  3. Same as #2
  4. Same as #2
  5. I would try to attend if invited
  6. Never been invited to a Kennedy wedding. Sorry. :rolleyes:
 
Here is some information my friend A.R. sent me. I found it helpful:

Prior to Vatican II, weddings where a Catholic was involved always had to take place on Church property, but not always in the church building itself, unless you had proper dispensations. In fact, Catholics were not even permitted to attend the weddings of non-Catholics. After Vatican II, the rules began to “soften”…until a new Code of Canon Law came into being in 1983 (the current norms where marriages take place were established).

Under the new Code of Canon Law, if a Catholic joins another religion by some formal act, e.g., submitting to baptism or public profession in his new religion, he ceases to be a Catholic and is not bound by our marriage laws. If, then, he is otherwise free to marry and the other party is also free to marry, the marriage will be valid. Catholic relatives may attend.

The Code of Canon law specifically addresses this point. From Canon 1258: “It is not lawful for the faithful in any way to assist actively or to take part in the religious services of non-Catholics. Passive or merely material presence can be tolerated of a civic official or on account of respect…at funerals, marriages, and similar functions of non-Catholics, as long as there be absent the danger of perversity or scandal.” So if a person is fallen-away in that he has simply ceased to practice the Catholic faith, he is still a Catholic and is bound by Catholic marriage laws. Hence a marriage attempted before a non-Catholic minister or a judge is considered “invalid”. Catholics are urged not to attend such ceremonies. But if the strain within the family is foreseen to be very great, if you attend, the couple (or at least the fallen-away person) should be kindly told that your attendance signifies family affection, and not necessarily approval of the ceremony/union.
 
jgheen,

there are a few inaccuracies in our post. i don’t mean to offend you or your friend.
  1. there is no such thing as an ex-Catholic. while it is convenient phrase that communicates something, you are never really out of the Church. even if someone is excommunicated, and dies ‘outside of’ the Church, he or she never stopped being Catholic. you can do things that effect your standing in the Church, but Baptism, Confirmation, etc. unalterably change the person. the Church would not teach that someone becomes not-Catholic. if you could quote something that says otherwise, i would be interested.
if a Catholic joins another religion by some formal act, e.g., submitting to baptism or public profession in his new religion,
Click to expand...
  1. this sort of thing is called apostasy. the person is still a Catholic, but a bad one. apostasy excommunicates a person from the Sacraments.
  2. your quote of can. 1258 is from the Codex of 1917, not 1983. no parallel exists in the current Codex, as afar as i know.
 
An article to read here: 216.109.117.135/search/cache?p=CUF+Should+I+Attend%3F&ei=UTF-8&u=www.cuf.org/nonmemb/attend.pdf&w=cuf+attend&d=58EAC85C9C&icp=1&.intl=us
My uncle-a non-practicing Catholic- is getting married to a non-Catholic next month. They have been living together for 12 years, and this marriage is not motivated by “finally making things right;” rather, it has a health insurance motive.

They won’t be married in the Church obviously, and I’ve made it perfectly clear that under these circumstances, I cannot and will not attend neither the “marriage ceremony” nor the reception.
 
But 4 marks,

You discounted a few of my examples by saying they are contrary to civil law. But, in most of the world, marriage of two men to each other is contrary to civil law. In the US, for example, 48 or 49 states outlaw it (I think Massachusetts allows it, and I suppose there’s some doubt about California). But yet you have indicated a willingness to attend the wedding of two people of the same gender. So, would you not attend if the two people of the same gender were attempting to get married in a jurisdiction were the civil law did not allow for it?

Tony
 
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