Attention Singles and looking Part 2:

[catherineajt]

Well, no, as long as they had truly repented and were determined to be chaste from said repentance. I say this because a couple of years before I met my DH i was engaged and my fiance and I had sex. I fell for the most common justification–“We KNOW we’re going to get married, and we just ‘can’t’ wait any longer.” So many couples I know have fallen into that trap.

After the relationship ended I realized how foolish and sinful I had been, and I was determined to not fall into sin again. When I met my (now) husband, I was honest and told him exactly what had happened, and other parts of my past that are not so savoury.

It wasn’t a deal breaker for him. He saw that I was not that person any more, and was determined to live a life pleasing to God. Considering that he was 29 and a virgin when we married, even having been engaged previously, I was very grateful that he was willing to forgive my past and look beyond it.

So I would be a HUGE hypocrite if I said that was a deal breaker for me. If the person in question is truly repentant, and honest, and obviously dedicated to living a chaste life from here on out, then no. Not neccessarily a deal breaker.

ETA that I assumed the OP was talking about a previous premarital sexual relationship, not cheating on the current significant other. Obviously cheating–especially sexually–would be a deal breaker for me, but not a previous relationship that had ended. If that makes sense.

 

[shannyk]

It would not be a deal breaker for me in and of itself. More important would be if the man was remorseful and repentant. If it was more of a “this is what I did, so what?” then THAT would be a deal breaker.

Ditto for me.

 

[Belgarion]

I feel so bad now…
Everyone else is saying how they’d be OK with it if the person was repentant…And I still don’t know how I’d react…

I mean, I found out one of my friends fell and I just didn’t even want to look at the person. Though I’m pretty certain that individual hasn’t stopped doing that…so I guess there’s a good reason for me feeling like that.

However, I’ve never been in a position where I thought that a girl I like was even capable of doing such a thing. So I really don’t know how I’d react.

I’ll assume though that I am capable of dealing with it, even though I hope I never have to.

 

[GraceDK]

I feel so bad now…
Everyone else is saying how they’d be OK with it if the person was repentant…And I still don’t know how I’d react…

Brother, don’t be sad… we all sometimes struggle with the sin of judging others in our heart.
…And its good that you get to look your self in the eye… see what it is that makes you feel this way. Maybe you have some kind of strained relationship with sex and with your own sexuality? (dont tell us… but think about it) Maybe you have a fear issue in this area… However, you are only 18 and you are unexperienced… this is the nr. one reason why you can’t imagine having to deal with impurity… you are pure… I take it you dont have problems with any impure acts. When I was 17 and had never been tested it was not even in my universe that I could do something wrong.

**I mean, I found out one of my friends fell and I just didn’t even want to look at the person. Though I’m pretty certain that individual hasn’t stopped doing that…so I guess there’s a good reason for me feeling like that. **

Can you look at your self though? See… this does not seem quite reasonable. Were you repulsed at the person or were you repulsed at his sin? You see, you gotta make a distinction… and why were you repulsed? was it because you love your friend and was sad about his sin… Do you just think sex is repulsive… or maybe its because you are afraid that if you look into the eye of your friend you will have to think about sexual stuff and then you might get weakened yourself? (again… dont answer but just think).

**However, I’ve never been in a position where I thought that a girl I like was even capable of doing such a thing. So I really don’t know how I’d react. **

Girls and boys are very capable of doing such a thing. Many young women do it as a way of showing love and showing their need for another person. The longing of a person to be loved and held is often the starting point for relationships that develop in a bad direction. However… if/when you fall in love with a young woman you will have a strong desire to be close to her and even intimate. Becoming one with another person that you love and is very attracted to is both beautiful and fulfilling… Its also a natural desire. Thats why satan uses it in a distorted way… he knows people long for physical intimacy and union in love and total self giving… he just fools people into giving themselves over in the wrong ways and circumstances. Sex is not dirty in itself… its the selfgratification and objectification of the other person that is the sin-aspect. Thats why premarital sex is very wrong…
I would say: human beings are created to make love. So of course they are capable… but the devil want’s to turn the good into something bad… and he often does.

I’ll assume though that I am capable of dealing with it, even though I hope I never have to.

Look… you are young… and you have big wisdom in your heart because you know Christ. BUT you too are very capable… this is a fact and its vital that you realise it… otherwise God himself will have to show you your weakness. So take real good care of yourself, be humble, and don’t get into a situation you can’t control. You are not an angel. You are indeed human… and you certainly can fall. I hope you dont fall… and there are plenty women out there who save themselves… But dont think its easy for them. Learn to have confidence not in your self but in God alone. He is the strength. In realising your own weakness you will have more patience with the falls of others. And women dont only look for chastity in a man… they also look for acceptance, love, and humility.

 

[DJJG]

As a 52 yo, single, male, virgin (yes thats true), it would depend on several factors - one would be, how long ago? If it was just last year - bye-bye. If it happened 15 years ago, then it may be different. Naturally if it happened after we met, again bye-bye. I realy, could not say outright, “yes” or “No” I 'd have to look at the particulars - and then also base my decision on wether or not I could handle it. I might come to the conclusion that that was a long time ago & she is a different person - but if I can’t handle it there would be no bases for a relationship. I really don’t know (the situation has never come up for me).
**
P.S.:
By the way, some people refer to these indiscretions as “mistakes,” they are NOT mistakes - sinful acts are not mistakes. That doesn’t mean that we can not be forgiven of our sins; but one can not sin by mistake. You can’t have premarital/extramarital relations by mistake. Please look up the definition of “mistake.”

 

[pumpkinbeast]

If it was admitted in a ‘yeah, I have something to confess, I screwed up and engaged in premarital sex…’ kind of way, probably not. If they knew they had sinned, but had gone to Confession and made things as right as they possibly could, I think I could live with that. If it was ‘yeah, I had sex with so-and-so, what’s the big deal?’ then NO WAY!

 

[Flopfoot]

Hang on a sec, the OP’s question is a bit unclear to me.

Are you asking, “what if they had sex with someone else while they were in a relationship with you?” Or do you just mean “what if they had sex at some point in the past before being in a relationship with you?”

In the first case, they can rack off. In the second case, it wouldn’t be too big a deal to me, I’m going to be a long time looking if I want someone perfect.

 

[Sierrah]

If you are dating or in a courtship with someone and they tell you that they engaged in pre-marital sex with someone else, would that be a deal-breaker for you?

In this day and age and being realistic no that wouldn’t be a deal breaker. A persons past is important but how they feel and live now would matter more to me.

 

[briang72]

If you are dating or in a courtship with someone and they tell you that they engaged in pre-marital sex with someone else, would that be a deal-breaker for you?

It definitely depends on their disposition. If they have confessed their behavior and are trusting in God’s forgiveness and accepting His grace in the avoidance of commiting the sin again, then I would empathize with them.

I wasn’t brought up in the best of environments for learning about chastity, or any other aspect of proper courtship. I had to learn about it on my own, and unfortunately I didn’t learn from the Church. I can’t help but think that there are many more people just like me out here who learned the wrong way to love before they learned the right way. It wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me, it might be a blessing to find someone who has lived through similar pain!

 

[GraceDK]

It definitely depends on their disposition. If they have confessed their behavior and are trusting in God’s forgiveness and accepting His grace in the avoidance of commiting the sin again, then I would empathize with them.

I wasn’t brought up in the best of environments for learning about chastity, or any other aspect of proper courtship. I had to learn about it on my own, and unfortunately I didn’t learn from the Church. I can’t help but think that there are many more people just like me out here who learned the wrong way to love before they learned the right way. It wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for me, it might be a blessing to find someone who has lived through similar pain!

Amen brother You are not alone…
I symphatize with you and so do many others who have gone through the extreme pain of severe contrition.
God brings forth humility from a death such as ours. Dont be afraid… only be afraid if you loose the ability to love and forgive sinners <><

 

[Norseman82]

it might be a blessing to find someone who has lived through similar pain!

Which is also why people who have no previous sexual activity set up prior sexual activity as a deal-breaker.

 

[GraceDK]

Which is also why people who have no previous sexual activity set up prior sexual activity as a deal-breaker.

You may wanna put in the word “some”… between “why” and “people” in that first line there. As far as I remember there were only you and one or two others on the thread that shared your view.
As for me I have never met a man who was not scarred in his virginity. The only almost-virgin man I have known nearly lost his virginity in a moment of weakness so he knows to be humble. Then there are all the guys who had problems with porn and masturbation that I dont think we can call virgins either if virgin means sexually pure and innocent.
There are few people as pure as you norseman… and whereas we all wish we had what you have I think some of us wonder if you are not afraid that you will be the one to be dumbed first if eventually you find your dream woman… maybe you lied, stole or something else in the past that the woman just cant forgive…
I understand your ideal though… I just find it sad that you might let a beautiful soul pass you by because of a standard that wants perfection that is really hard to find in todays world.
but good luck I wish you brother.

 

[Norseman82]

You may wanna put in the word “some”… between “why” and “people” in that first line there. As far as I remember there were only you and one or two others on the thread that shared your view.
As for me I have never met a man who was not scarred in his virginity. The only almost-virgin man I have known nearly lost his virginity in a moment of weakness so he knows to be humble. Then there are all the guys who had problems with porn and masturbation that I dont think we can call virgins either if virgin means sexually pure and innocent.
There are few people as pure as you norseman… and whereas we all wish we had what you have I think some of us wonder if you are not afraid that you will be the one to be dumbed first if eventually you find your dream woman… maybe you lied, stole or something else in the past that the woman just cant forgive…
I understand your ideal though… I just find it sad that you might let a beautiful soul pass you by because of a standard that wants perfection that is really hard to find in todays world.
but good luck I wish you brother.

It is about compatibility and having common background and experiences. My bad for not spelling that out explicitly.

 

[Norseman82]

I have to zero in on one part of your post. I have been handling you with “kid gloves”, but this latest post of yours is completely off the wall and demands a forceful rebuke for the sake of your repentance:

There are few people as pure as you norseman… and whereas we all wish we had what you have I think some of us wonder if you are not afraid that you will be the one to be dumbed first if eventually you find your dream woman…

Just where in the world did this vile, idiotic accusation come from?

I know you have a history of mocking people who obey the rules and that you grasp at straws trying to justify your own behavior:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=3594137&postcount=59

JimG and Norseman…
I can’t adequately explain how distasteful I find your posts.
Not only does it seem you find virginity the sole and most important thing in a person. Let me remind you though that chastity and virginity are not the same. The first is a crown you have earned through hard work… the second is a free gift from God.
Have any of you ever been in a very serious relationship as adults where the one you were with tempted you? If not, then you are really cheap in saying what you do. How easy it is for you!

Last year I had a really deep relationship with a man and over a long time where we really could not avoid the near occasion of sin we fell. That has caused me a depression you cannot even imagine. Going on catholic.com I received so much comfort… one thing the people here reminded me was : “We have ALL sinned and fallen short…” and “Jesus is our sole righteousness”. They also agreed that a man who would not be interested in me now because of the fall in my past I should not care about because I would not want a man who had no compassion and humility. Since then I met a christian guy who was older than me and still a virgin. he said that he could not dream of finding me impure or unfit since Jesus Christ Himself is dwelling within me and has cleansed me from all my sin… then who was he to have reservations, knowing well that he too could have fallen very easily if he had really been tried at a certain time. Selv-knowlege is a precious pearl. Peter did not have it… you do not have it. Your trial will surely come.
Yes… by your fleshy standards you have a “right” to a lot of things… you holy men… but in the eyes of God you deserve hell like all the rest of us. Don’t you forget that. And in case you dont believe in the CLEANSING power of Confession, that the OP believes in for certain, then you should keep your disbelief to your selves. Did you ever read: “I abandon their sin and remember them no more”. those are words of God in the Old Testament… as an example to follow. How can you in your right mind call a fellow sister into petty and unforgiving thoughts towards a man that she loves??? I doubt you have ever experienced a love that makes all things new… Shame on you for wanting to put venom in a young woman’s heart!
Have any of you ever stolen, gotten drunk, lied, masturbated, been proud, had lustful thoughts? Then do you think you deserve a pious lady? - will not you in all your hope for mercy, hope that you find a woman who will see you instead of your numerous sins? I will remind you lastly that pride is on the top list of death sins… sins of the flesh are at the bottom…
Learn humility.

We are not the sum of our failures… we are the sum of The Fathers love for us. (Pope JPII)

To the OP: Go and love your boyfriend… believe me…its so much harder to be the sinner than to be the righteous.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=3594149&postcount=60

Listen to this song and watch the video… It might help put things into the right perspective…

The singer sings: “I found a reason to change who I used to be, and start over anew.” The question is: will the socalled pious people let others start over anew or will they keep those chained, whom Jesus longs to set free by loving though our hearts?

Just because you can’t keep the rules, you are going to mock those of us who do? Yeah, that’s a real mark of repentance

 

[GraceDK]

I have to zero in on one part of your post. I have been handling you with “kid gloves”, but this latest post of yours is completely off the wall and demands a forceful rebuke for the sake of your repentance:

It’s funny how you think you should be the one helping me to repent and not the other way around. Why dont you leave it to Jesus though at worry about your own sins eh? That would save you a lot of trouble…
Actually what I wrote was with no offence intented. Yet you have before made it clear that if you are with a woman and you find out she is not a virgin then “bye bye”. I merely stated the obvious point that she might leave you over some sin in your past and beat you to it… My ideal was to get you to see that maybe you have some areas too in your past that you hope someone will forgive some day. I stand to that. I am sorry you were offended… But it seems you were just waiting to jump out of the box.

**Just where in the world did this vile, idiotic accusation come from? **

Is it idiotic to make an hypothesis? But it seems rather that its you who should be dealt with gloves…

I know you have a history of mocking people who obey the rules and that you grasp at straws trying to justify your own behavior:

Really? Actually I have not mocked anyone to my understanding. On the contrary I have often been told by other sinners that my posts were comforting and greatly uplifting.
Its no secret that you got the far most harsh post from me that anyone has gotten here. That was not due to your virginity but to your lack of humility.

Just because you can’t keep the rules, you are going to mock those of us who do? Yeah, that’s a real mark of repentance :rolleyes:

No… again you misunderstood… there are many pious and pure people on these fora that I have congratulated. Yet if virginity comes with the mind that is in you then I’d rather not be one. Again, this is not about your virginity (which I of course have no knowlege about) but about your attitude. I quote your very distasteful remark that was the most distasteful I have yet seen on these fora below… it seems even evil and prideful to talk like you do there. That is when I got tired of you and called you a pharisee, because you dont know that you should give God ALL the glory and praise … without Him you can do nothing, have nothing and are nothing.
The remark “you cant keep the rules”… has the same harmful and sarcastic flavor.
I’ll remind you that pride is listed above sins of the flesh in the rank of death sins.
I quote you:
AlmostMarried, if you yourself are a virgin, perhaps you should reconsider whether you want to give 100% to a man who is not giving the same 100% back to you. Don’t sell yourself short - you’ve EARNED it!!! Don’t be afraid to insist on what you have earned. (I know some may be offended by this and consider it unforgiving, but maybe using this as leverage will send a chill down his spine and serve as a wake-up call, and if he does lose you to a male virgin it could drill into his head that it “pays to obey the rules” and that may be the wake-up call he needs for the sake of the next woman he meets).

This you wrote to a woman who loved a man, her fiancee, and it seemed to me that you were just out to get back at the sinner and not caring at all for the love that was between them…
It payes to obey the rules? certainly… but no so that you can become proud and as hard as a rock, judging other people.

I dont think you and I have much more to talk about.

shalom

 

[rpp]

Can we pleeeeeeeease remain charitable here at CAF.

Not every unmarried person is a virgin.

Not even non-virgin thinks what they did to lose their virginity was worth it.

Please let us not fight here.

 

[bookish]

No. I don’t expect anyone to be a virgin nowadays. I wouldn’t mind if he had sex before meeting me as long as he was willing to get tested and wait till marriage (that is, if he wanted to marry me).

 

[Magicsilence]

Can we pleeeeeeeease remain charitable here at CAF.

Not every unmarried person is a virgin.

Not even non-virgin thinks what they did to lose their virginity was worth it.

Please let us not fight here.

+1

My query is, how do you go about asking someone if they are a virgin or not? Isn’t that considered personal information or…

Erm…

“Hi there, you know, I noticed you coming to Mass over the last few months, and well, I was wondering, if you wanted to, but not if you didn’t, if you’d like to go and get a coffee and maybe watch a movie with me sometime?..Oh, btw, you are a VIRGIN right?, otherwise, forget it.”

 

[briang72]

My query is, how do you go about asking someone if they are a virgin or not? Isn’t that considered personal information or…

Erm…

“Hi there, you know, I noticed you coming to Mass over the last few months, and well, I was wondering, if you wanted to, but not if you didn’t, if you’d like to go and get a coffee and maybe watch a movie with me sometime?..Oh, btw, you are a VIRGIN right?, otherwise, forget it.”

My only answer to this is that there is no harm in having a cup of coffee with a non-virgin, or even a couple of dinner dates. It is a highly personal question, but one you deserve an answer to early on.

 

[shannyk]

Let me pose a question if I may…

In reading these responses, it is obviously VERY important to some the status of a potential spouses virginity. I can understand that. But, I am wondering if it would make a difference if the person lost their virginity in a licit way (in marriage) or if under what circumstances matters at all?? Would it only be a problem for you if they lost their virginity illicitly? Or is it just that they are not virgins period that makes a difference?

I am truly just curious as to opinion here not trying to bait anyone…