Attracted to my priest

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HoneyBea

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Ok this is awkward, embarrassing and very personal, but Id really like to over come this issue. Ever since I was a little girl I have always found myself attracted to my priests. Not all priests, just certain ones or ones that I had spent time with, be it in CCE or some other type of youth group ministry. The first time this happened I was 13 yrs old and I straight up had a crush on my priest. I remember feeling so confused and shameful for my feelings, but I couldn’t understand or help the way I felt. Anyhow, this happened later again in high school with a different priest, but I was old enough to reject those feelings and avoid my priest all together. Then about 10 years past and during this time I had stopped going to church all together for different reasons. I just came back to the church a year ago and in part due to my husband’s conversion and partly due to a priest I met while traveling on the road for work. I had initially arranged an appt with this priest for confession, but I ended up staying in his office for 4 hours. I had so many question about our faith and he was willing and happy to answer them. So we met for several hours a week and I learned so much. I am so thankful for him. The problem though was I once again started developing feelings for him. It wasn’t right away. I mean physically he was just eh ok whatever, but the more we spent time the more attracted I became to him and I caught myself acting in a manner that I do when I am attracted to someone and it scared me. No, I didn’t come on to him, but just little things that woman do subconsciously when they are interested in the opposite sex. Another issue is that I am also very attractive and I often feel guilty like I am tempting priests or something. I know that sound silly, but I know that priest still have feelings and they don’t just stop feeling attracted to women and I don’t want to be the cause of that. I am very good at reading men and I know when I elicit certain responses from them. For these two reasons I find myself avoiding my priests all together, even in confession and I don’t want to anymore. I want to have a healthy normal relationship like every other parishioner does with their father. I feel cursed. What can I do to change my thinking? It also didn’t help that I was in the parish office the other day and…I had popped in to ask the parish coordinator a questions about scheduling a meeting with the father and I had just finished working out at the gym right before. I had no intention what so ever of meeting with the him that day or even seeing him! But he happened to stop in the office when I was in there and she told him why I was there and he told me to come see him right then and there. I did not want to! I was not dressed appropriately at all! But I was afraid of saying no,so, I went in there and left quickly as possibly trying to cover myself with my arms. As I stood up to leave he was saying something and I was standing in the door way and he was staring me up and down like very obviously! So either two things were going on, either he was scolding me with his eyes for dressing in so little or he was checking me out. Either way, I am now avoiding him like the plague and I am so upset over this, because this is a new parish that we just moved and I love his homilies. I was so excited about this new church and once again I feel cursed. Please, can anyone relate to this at all? I want so bad to be part of the church family, yet, I feel like I should stay away. I know that I can’t help how I look, but I can definitely change how I am thinking and how these thoughts are affecting me. This is all rather embarrassing, but I can’t be the only one who has ever felt this way. Right?
 
Hi HoneyBea,

I’m sorry to hear about your struggles, but its not an uncommon problem. After all, we’re only human and it is a natural occurrence. But now that you know this is a problem you should take steps to fix it.

I’d start off by recommending you limit your spiritual directions with your priest to about an hour an month. Several hours a week is just too much. Especially since you’ve noted this is a reoccurring problem. If you want to learn more about the faith, sign up for adult classes or attend seminars. If there aren’t many in your area, go online!

As for confession, start going behind the screen more frequently. Practice the “laundry list” approach to confession. Simply list your sins in kind and number, and listen to the priest as he gives advice.

Also, be wary of this. You are right to note this is a problem, and the fact that its occurred multiple times with various priests suggests the possibility that it could be something psychological. I don’t think that’s necessary likely, but it might be worth seeing a therapist just to rule it out. There have been cases like that in the past.

Finally, distract yourself from these feelings with your marriage. Focus on your husband! Maybe bring him along with you to classes and learn more about the faith together!

I hope everything goes well. I will pray for you!
 
Thank you for your reply.

I no longer see that one priest. I was working out of town in a very small rural town population 1000 lol and needless to say he had a lot of time. We both did, so we were able to meet like that, but I agree looking back I can see why in my case I should limit my time spent alone with my priest. We have since moved all together to a new parish and this situation is a little bit different. I actually don’t feel any attraction to my new priest but I am a little freaked out about how he looked at me. I told my husband and my husband told me to confront him, but I think he was sort of kidding and not taking the situation seriously and I dropped the subject.
What do you mean by laundry list? Can you elaborate? I usually end up rambling on and on in confession because I always feel like it’s not good enough. The idea of a list sounds good to me. Also, in my parish there is no closed confessional.
 
Did his “checking you out” look like a conscious thing? I do think there is a difference between catching onesself noticing an attractive woman and intentionally checking a woman out. If it’s likely the former, I’d wager most people do it, and give him the benefit of the doubt.

Imho, being attracted to someone doesn’t have to be a big deal. I say this as a generality, because we should all know ourselves well enough to know whether we can keep it no big deal. Certainly there are people who don’t trust themselves in these situations, sometimes for good reason. But I wouldn’t assume he’s one of those people. You might want to be wary of awkward situations around him, but hopefully there is no need, and that you are able to have a normal relationship with your priest without concern for anything improper.
 
Harvard,

He checked me out in a way that was very intentional. I was left with only two theories. Either he was scolding me trying to make me feel bad for what I was wearing or checking me out. He looked me up and down and he kept looking at my breasts when I was sitting in front of his desks, granted I wasn’t wearing appropriate attire and well I don’t know how to say this delicately but well things were showing through my shirt but I was not wearing anything low cut. It was a tank top. But it was sleeveless and I had on very short shorts and when I stood up he stared at my legs long enough to make me uncomfortable and long enough that it wasn’t a glance. I told my husband and he basically laughed it off and said " well he doesn’t see women like you in the country he is from can you really blame him?" and then he told me to confront him if it bothered me so much. I personally feel like even if he was checking me out he should know better than to be obvious about it and make me feel uneasy. So was he trying to make me feel bad? I don’t know. I think it’s too late the damage is done I feel weird. I’m suppose to meet with him next week to start a youth ministry and now everything is all messed up.
 
HoneyBea said:
Thank you for your reply.

I no longer see that one priest. I was working out of town in a very small rural town population 1000 lol and needless to say he had a lot of time. We both did, so we were able to meet like that, but I agree looking back I can see why in my case I should limit my time spent alone with my priest. We have since moved all together to a new parish and this situation is a little bit different. I actually don’t feel any attraction to my new priest but I am a little freaked out about how he looked at me. I told my husband and my husband told me to confront him, but I think he was sort of kidding and not taking the situation seriously and I dropped the subject.
What do you mean by laundry list? Can you elaborate? I usually end up rambling on and on in confession because I always feel like it’s not good enough. The idea of a list sounds good to me. Also, in my parish there is no closed confessional. Our church is on a military installment and basically the building is shared with other religions even pagan worship.
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Yeah I can see how a smaller population can add to the problem. Not as many people, more free time, etc. As you move from base to base, keep in mind that each time you move it’s an opportunity to set things right with a new priest, but also presents the challenge of not repeating past mistakes.

How did he look at you exactly? It’s probably hard for me to say since I wasn’t there, but it could be anything. He may have “checked you out” so to speak and then regretted it, or maybe you’re so used to this being a problem you read into things too much. I’m not really sure.

I’d be happy to explain the laundry list! It’s pretty simple, you just confess sins in kind and in number. For instance: “I committed A on average X times per week since my last confession”. So basically, you just list your sins and give a rough idea how many times. The way to do it, is to take some time before confession and put together a list. That’s the time when you can examine your conscience and come up with a list. If you can, find a peaceful quiet place in the chapel to do it prior to confession. I like this approach because it’s more humble. If I start rambling in confession I tent to start over explaining it, or offering stupid excuses for why I committed them. This taught me to be more humble and just flatly state it without offering excuses.

Hopefully that explains it a little better. Are there any Catholic organizations associated with the military you can participate in? You might try looking up local parishes nearby your base if there is one and seeing if they offer any adult classes or young adult groups you could join. That might help you get the faith support you need without relying solely on “one-on-ones” with the priest. Because your husband is in the military, is he gone from the home a lot? That might be one reason you struggle with this recently, the loneliness can easily cause that. Anyway, just stuff for you to think about. Trying to get to the root cause can help you conquer this problem.
 
HoneyBea said:
Harvard,

He checked me out in a way that was very intentional. I was left with only two theories. Either he was scolding me trying to make me feel bad for what I was wearing or checking me out. He looked me up and down and he kept looking at my breasts when I was sitting in front of his desks, granted I wasn’t wearing appropriate attire and well I don’t know how to say this delicately but well things were showing through my shirt but I was not wearing anything low cut. It was a tank top. But it was sleeveless and I had on very short shorts and when I stood up he stared at my legs long enough to make me uncomfortable and long enough that it wasn’t a glance. I told my husband and he basically laughed it off and said " well he doesn’t see women like you in the country he is from can you really blame him?" and then he told me to confront him if it bothered me so much. I personally feel like even if he was checking me out he should know better than to be obvious about it and make me feel uneasy. So was he trying to make me feel bad? I don’t know. I think it’s too late the damage is done I feel weird. I’m suppose to meet with him next week to start a youth ministry and now everything is all messed up.
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Maybe you could cover up more around him? Don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, but since this is making you uncomfortable that seems to be one thing you could control. Out of curiosity, were you in his office for confession?
 
As you admitted,your attire was not appropriate for meetin with a priest.Remember,priests are human too,they most likely struggle with being attracted to woman
It is your responsibility,to not dress in such a way as to lead your priest to sin.
 
The flirting behavior is making you feel guilty; not being merely good looking.

Focus on loving your husband more fully. Work to make your relationship solid, and this will help to avoid stray flirting.
 
I think it’s pretty common for people to find celibacy an attractive quality in a person, although I can’t say its really been an issue for me like it has been with you. I’ve felt attracted to several not-so-good looking nuns before, simply because they were nuns. If they were regular people I probably wouldn’t have even cared 🤷

Earthly attractiveness is a faint shadow of the godly beauty that will enamor us in Heaven. It is not a bad thing to find people attractive. I know I’m going against the opinion of countless sage people in history, but I do not think avoidance and separation is the ideal solution. Jesus went against customs by speaking with women in private on several occasions, and yet his purity was always intact. We should not assume that this was a unique case for him, because he is a fully human person. It is something that takes time, patience and conscious effort, but the more time you spend talking with a person as a human being - while saying 'no!" to the bottom half of you - the less you risk objectifying the person. You are not in anyway sinning by choosing to distance yourself from a person for the sake of maintaining purity (this was practiced through much of history), and I suppose if it really is a weakness for you then you ought to be careful, but it might be worth giving it another shot. Finding people beautiful is not sinful; it is lust which is sinful, in which our sexuality wrongly guides us into looking at people as playthings.
 
No, I agree totally. Maybe you didn’t read my post explaining how I ended up in his office and why I was dressed like that.
I normally would never wear that in front of a priest or at mass etc… It was unintentional. And no I’m not imaging him checking me out. I’m not even upset that he did because I know it’s normal for him to notice. I’m totally fine with that, but it was the manner in which he did it. He was ogling me, not just looking, glancing or noticing, but ogling me which is why I’m bothered by it. Although, the more I talk about it the more I realize I need to just hang out with him again and give him another chance perhaps I am reading this all wrong or perhaps he had an off day and I’m expecting sainthood from him. I actually feel a little better now talking about it, like maybe this doesn’t have to be a big deal. Thank you.
 
Jeanne_S said:
As you admitted,your attire was not appropriate for meetin with a priest.Remember,priests are human too,they most likely struggle with being attracted to woman
It is your responsibility,to not dress in such a way as to lead your priest to sin.
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Yes, you’re right. Even though it was unintentional it still happened at my own fault and I shouldn’t be so quick to judge him.
runningdude said:
The flirting behavior is making you feel guilty; not being merely good looking.

Focus on loving your husband more fully. Work to make your relationship solid, and this will help to avoid stray flirting.
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Thank you. You are right it is my behavior or my thoughts that are making me feel guilty.
 
Jeanne_S said:
As you admitted,your attire was not appropriate for meetin with a priest.Remember,priests are human too,they most likely struggle with being attracted to woman
It is your responsibility,to not dress in such a way as to lead your priest to sin.
Click to expand...
I’m glad you posted this. I drafted something similar but it was a bit more critical. The only thing I would like to add is that it takes a lot of self-control for a man to learn how to be in the presence of scantily dressed women and not come across as a voyeur. It’s very difficult; and can be even more uncomfortable for the man. Now one would like to think a Priest would be above this or better trained but how often in their lives are they six feet away from such a view.
 
runningdude said:
The flirting behavior is making you feel guilty; not being merely good looking.

Focus on loving your husband more fully. Work to make your relationship solid, and this will help to avoid stray flirting.
Click to expand...
But I don’t think I’m flirting like I’m not trying to because I am very self conscious of how I behave for fear of being tempting. I honestly don’t think I am flirty.

The situation with the other priest was different and that built up over time but in general I do not behave that way in the least bit.

Ok, well I will say that I am naturally flirty, but not intentionally, it’s just my personality. My husband says I flirt with everyone but in my mind I am not flirting, but rather socializing. So, like I said I do my best to be aware of my behavior with my priest so much that I feel like I’m not even me. There has to be some healthy balance, so , can be normal like everyone else.I don’t want to spend the rest of my life running or hiding. Why can some people be friends with their priests and I can’t?
 
jerryinbaok said:
I’m glad you posted this. I drafted something similar but it was a bit more critical. The only thing I would like to add is that it takes a lot of self-control for a man to learn how to be in the presence of scantily dressed women and not come across as a voyeur. It’s very difficult; and can be even more uncomfortable for the man. Now one would like to think a Priest would be above this or better trained but how often in their lives are they six feet away from such a view.
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I’m completely open to constructive criticism hence why I posted this, but I would like to clarify I was not scantily dressed. I had just left the gym and I was in a tank top and shorts and tennis shoes. Yes, I agree it’s not what I would deem appropriate to meet with my priest, but unless he lives in bubble he sees much worse every time he goes to the store. I had merely popped in to schedule an appointment on my way passing through and had no intentions of seeing him that day. He was suppose to be out of town and got back right then and popped in her office to pick up his mail…but your point is not lost on me and I do understand and I agree but I just wanted to clarify my position a little bit more.
 
Honey Bea

Priest are like any man In fact the male body will check out a women that they are attracted to. This is natural and you should not be afraid of it. This priest body probably was attracted to yours however the mind of the priest is in question. From personal experience when I look at a women the first thought that goes through my had is that she is attractive. At this point I stop myself. From your story I don’t see the priest doing anything related to lust. Now about your affection for this priest. Limit the time you spend with him. Also accept that you have these feelings for him. Feelings are not sinful. Just try not to act on these feelings. I have developed affection for friends in the past so what I did I is I accepted these feelings and I used them as a sort of way to become deeper friends with them.
 
HoneyBea said:
But I don’t think I’m flirting like I’m not trying to because I am very self conscious of how I behave for fear of being tempting. I honestly don’t think I am flirty.

The situation with the other priest was different and that built up over time but in general I do not behave that way in the least bit.

Ok, well I will say that I am naturally flirty, but not intentionally, it’s just my personality. My husband says I flirt with everyone but in my mind I am not flirting, but rather socializing. So, like I said I do my best to be aware of my behavior with my priest so much that I feel like I’m not even me. There has to be some healthy balance, so , can be normal like everyone else.I don’t want to spend the rest of my life running or hiding. Why can some people be friends with their priests and I can’t?
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So, I do my best “flirting” when I’m not even trying or worrying about it. Confidence has a certain charm to it… but when I am around a woman I like, I turn into a wreck! It may be that by trying to not flirt, your hesitancy betrays a slight “crush”, that men (ordained or not) pick up upon.

On the other hand, when I’m just being friendly and “flirt” with a woman who is taken, they often will casually mention the existence of a husband or boyfriend in the first few sentences. This conveys both being flattered by my attention, but also confidence in their relationship.

So, while you and your husband are probably fine, being aware of this fact and taking pride in your healthy marriage will help make you more relaxed around priests and other men.
 
Pray that you can overcome these feelings. You have promised your attention to your husband, pray for God’s help that you can live up to that promise. When you start having these feelings of attraction to another man, make yourself think instead of your husband or recite a quick prayer (or both).

Pray for this priest. Limit contact but don’t avoid him if you need the sacraments or as you say if you need to work with him for the youth group. But for those meetings, make sure you take someone with you.

Tom
 
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