Attracted to Same-Sex Friend...AGAIN

[St_Aloysius]

Hey, everyone.

If you don’t already know, I’m 14 and struggle with my sexuality. I have an emotional and physical attraction to males… I’ve been exhibiting homosexual thoughts and feelings since toddler years. I, however, still consider myself—despite all my faults—as being a fairly restrained person sexually, so much so that I think every now and again I come off as a good example to my friends.

Even so, I’m feeling a bit guilty. (Not extremely so, but a bit…)

See, I just got back from a retreat with a friend of mine. He’s a cutie, but I could never think of him as a lover (for a multiplicity of reasons). We’re closer than family, and his unparalleled godliness is a constant reminder that he will not settle for what I might.

He’s not the issue. But he invited me to go with him on this retreat over the weekend. (It was Baptist-affiliated, but I got permission from my priest, and was back in time for Sunday night Mass. Plus, I was blessed enough to be able to share my faith with the people in my cabin.) Unbeknownst to me, he brought another friend. I only knew of him: Justin… We spent a lot of time messing around and getting to know each other.

We joked around, fought, rough housed, and even talked about our aspirations. (He seemed really taken aback by my interest in the priesthood and missionary work. “Wait… You couldn’t get married, man?” “Nah! Unless I cheated and converted to Anglicanism, got married, became a priest, and converted back to Catholicism.” He laughed.

I couldn’t get him out of my mind, though. He’s gorgeous, and a really nice guy. But he’s not fanatically religious… He understands the relationship between mundanity and the sacred, I think, better than most. He incorporates God into his every action, even without meaning to. I know it’s bad to say, but I was attracted to him in part for this.

There were a couple of incidents of awkwardness, though. Like his falling into my lap during an intense (and awesome) game, and staying there. Or seeing him shirtless. (I looked away.) Or embracing for long periods of time (he’s a strange mixture of passive aggressive and affectionate).

In fact, on the very first night, we started talking about politics. He asked if I supported Bush’s war. He did. I told him outright that I didn’t and thought his crusade for “peace” and “democracy” in the East was not founded in genuine concern for its people but as an attempt to get access to their resources. I told him that I’d had bad experiences with conservatives, and felt like they just campaigned against liberals and homosexuals.

At this, he got a serious look on his face and admitted that homosexuals made him feel uncomfortable. I asked why. He didn’t know. We just did. I asked him a “hypothetical” question: “So if I were to tell you I was gay right now, you’d think of me differently?” “I’d look at you in a whole other light, man.” I was crushed even more. He smiled and asked, “So… are you?” I smiled back. “Should it matter?” He insisted, and I maintained that it shouldn’t matter in his eyes if it doesn’t in God’s, whose eyes are impartial.

My friend Graham finally stepped in to save me (I have a hard time lying about this subject because it makes me feel like a traitor) and pointed out that I had talked about a (girl) friend of mine on the way up. (I don’t know if Graham knows or not… I thought he did, but his reaction seemed genuine, so I can’t say.)

I wanted so many different times to be able to unashamedly embrace Justin and tell him what a blessing it had been to get to know him—without it making him uncomfortable. I wanted to kiss him. Just once.

I stayed away from these thoughts, though. I respected him too much. I never fantasized about him… I couldn’t.

I sometimes can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with wanting to fall into the arms of a male, with exchanging a kiss however intimate, and with seeking affirmation. I think of David and Jonathan. I want what they had sometimes. In one session, we were asked to write several facts about ourselves down. Favorite foods, animals, biblical characters (excluding Jesus, and, for me, Mary), in order to better understand our uniqueness. My answers were 1) veggie burgers, 2) aardvarks, and 3) Jonathan. When he saw that I was Jonathan and he was David, he smiled, giving me this look that I can’t get out of head.

“Why can’t he really be my David?” I thought, sulking.

On the ride home (Graham’s dad was driving us), we watched a movie. Graham was in the back. Justin and I sat together. He kept looking my way and smiling throughout the movie. It was tormenting—but the good kind, the kind you don’t want to end.

Am I… so wrong in all this? I feel confused… I didn’t give in to negative thoughts. I couldn’t make him a lust-object. Ever. But I can’t get him out of my mind. This is more than Platonic… What am I supposed to do?

I feel so… so… so in the dark over all this. I need some (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[blessedtoo]

Are you REALLY 14? You are so articulate and bright! Your teachers must adore you!

You said you have had homosexual thoughts and feelings since you were a toddler. It’s virtually impossible for this to be true as a toddler is incapable of having any true sense of their sexual identity. While it is true that very young children may act out in a sexual manner, and often with members of their own sex, it certainly does not follow that their sexual identity is cemented during these pre-pubescent years or that they are at all cognizant of what their behavior is all about.

You have a unique opportunity, at such a young age, to foster in yourself a sense of proper male to male relationships. It is completely possible that what you are yearning for and seeking is some type of bonding with other boys but that you have somehow misdirected this normal desire in an unhealthy and sexualized direction. The need for a strong connection with other male friends is perfectly normal. It is also normal to look at other people and admire their beauty, even those of the same sex. When we move that normal appreciation into the realm of sexual covetousness, we must reorder our thought processes.

Often, with young people, what they lack in themselves often becomes an object of desire in others. This is especially true with SSA in young kids. Puberty, a brutal time of life in it’s own right, is often fraught with feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem, and a sense of always being an outsider. We might meet someone who seems to have it all, and rather than simply admire that, we want to possess it. Sexualizing such feelings is one way to feel as if we have attained that.

Keep praying. I would suggest that when you find yourself in situations that provoke “romantic” or sexual fantasies, rather than indulging them and imagining yourself kissing, reflect on what you really want from your friend.

 

[St_Aloysius]

Are you REALLY 14? You are so articulate and bright!

I just wish my grades reflected it…

Your teachers must adore you!

Well…typically they think of me as a strange kid that likes aardvarks and veggie burgers and has a bunch of conspiracy theories about Oprah…

You said you have had homosexual thoughts and feelings since you were a toddler. It’s virtually impossible for this to be true as a toddler is incapable of having any true sense of their sexual identity. While it is true that very young children may act out in a sexual manner, and often with members of their own sex, it certainly does not follow that their sexual identity is cemented during these pre-pubescent years or that they are at all cognizant of what their behavior is all about.

I can’t claim to have been especially introspective in my toddler years. I just knew that I sometimes had thoughts and feelings that weren’t “normal.” I didn’t think about this a lot and decided (out of fear) not to tell anyone.

I had awkward experiences in elementary school. I was overweight then. I felt really inadequate. I got acne. Then…boom! I get taller. I’m no longer fat. My acne clears up. I still feel inadequate. I don’t know why. I mean, I’m funny and can march to the beat of my own drum. I feel pretty good about my looks. My friends even mess with me because I have “stalkers.” But it’s as if I just can’t shake the feeling I got in elementary school. That I just have a dent—some deep and internal defect that, though not superficially observable, is nonetheless there.

You have a unique opportunity, at such a young age, to foster in yourself a sense of proper male to male relationships. It is completely possible that what you are yearning for and seeking is some type of bonding with other boys but that you have somehow misdirected this normal desire in an unhealthy and sexualized direction. The need for a strong connection with other male friends is perfectly normal. It is also normal to look at other people and admire their beauty, even those of the same sex. When we move that normal appreciation into the realm of sexual covetousness, we must reorder our thought processes.

When I think about it, I view myself as incredibly unstable. In a sexual relationship, I easily take submissive role… I try to supplement this with physical strength, or contrarian-style thinking, or with my looks, or anything really. But in the end, I just want someone to hold me. I just have trouble with letting Christ be that one at times…

Often, with young people, what they lack in themselves often becomes an object of desire in others. This is especially true with SSA in young kids. Puberty, a brutal time of life in it’s own right, is often fraught with feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem, and a sense of always being an outsider. We might meet someone who seems to have it all, and rather than simply admire that, we want to possess it. Sexualizing such feelings is one way to feel as if we have attained that.

I like his strength and his kindness. I think I am attracted to these. I think these are what I want…

 

[blessedtoo]

I just wish my grades reflected it…

Perhaps redirecting some of this “energy” into your studies…I’m just saying…

Well…typically they think of me as a strange kid that likes aardvarks and veggie burgers and has a bunch of conspiracy theories about Oprah…

I have my theories about Oprah too! I think that shows a higher than average intelligence.

I can’t claim to have been especially introspective in my toddler years. I just knew that I sometimes had thoughts and feelings that weren’t “normal.” I didn’t think about this a lot and decided (out of fear) not to tell anyone.

Again, I can’t see how a toddler can understand the meaning of “normal”. I do understand how a toddler may have feelings that he can’t understand and can’t convey to a parent. That can certainly be frightening. Not disclosing the nature of these confused feelings can certainly exacerbate a normal and temporary childhood experience that may carry over into puberty.

I had awkward experiences in elementary school. I was overweight then. I felt really inadequate. I got acne.

These are terribly painful experiences for youngin’s and very difficult to overcome. Sometimes the emotional scars remain long after the physical issues have been resolved.

Then…boom! I get taller. I’m no longer fat. My acne clears up. I still feel inadequate. I don’t know why.

Still dragging around the old image of yourself perhaps. It may be time to really get a good look at yourself in the mirror.

I mean, I’m funny and can march to the beat of my own drum. I feel pretty good about my looks. My friends even mess with me because I have “stalkers.” But it’s as if I just can’t shake the feeling I got in elementary school. That I just have a dent—some deep and internal defect that, though not superficially observable, is nonetheless there.

Maybe you could try trusting what your friends are telling you. Your sense of yourself is skewed by early awkward physical issues. Are your stalkers female? If so, what do they have to say about you? Perhaps you could try to take some of that positive feedback in and let that begin to fill up the hole.

When I think about it, I view myself as incredibly unstable. In a sexual relationship, I easily take submissive role

Dear heart, you certainly don’t sound unstable. And at 14, you really should be somewhat submissive. However, submissive does not equal “feminine” or indicate a radical inclination to homosexuality. It could be that your personality is naturally somewhat passive. But you are still in your formative years, just beginning to figure it out. How you are now is NOT how you will be even one year from now. Just as you observed with your physical transformation, so it will be with your emotional growth. What you do know and how you begin to nurture the more masculine sides of your personality can make all the difference in your adulthood.

… I try to supplement this with physical strength, or contrarian-style thinking, or with my looks, or anything really. But in the end, I just want someone to hold me. I just have trouble with letting Christ be that one at times…

Do you have a father in the picture? How about brothers? Do you speak with a priest you can trust? Have you thought about contacting Courage?

I like his strength and his kindness. I think I am attracted to these. I think these are what I want.

These are great qualities to have and to admire. It is not necessary or healthy to try to aquire such qualities through sexualizing your relationships with other boys.

 

[DJgang]

While, to be honest, I really don’t know what you are wanting anyone to tell you. So I will say…

Even if I replaced you as being a young 14 yo female, who is awe struck by this young man, you know the teachings of the church. While I could relate to a female better, I will tell you…you must get your feelings under control. You must focus your energy elsewhere OR you are going to fall into lust.

Stop putting yourself in situations that could lead somewhere. (this is the advice I would give anyone, same sex attraction or not, kwim?) There’s no darkness about it, that’s what you have to do.

 

[beckycmarie]

St_Aloysius,

There is an apostolate that specializes in helping Catholics struggling with homosexual attractions. Their website has received the Triple Excellency Gold Award for Excellence in Fidelity, Resources, and Usability from CatholicCulture.org. Here is a blurb from their site:

couragerc.net/

Are you or a loved one experiencing homosexual attractions and looking for answers?

Courage, an apostolate of the Roman Catholic Church, ministers to those with same-sex attractions and their loved ones. We have been endorsed by the Pontifical Council for the Family and our beloved John Paul II said of this ministry, “COURAGE is doing the work of God!” We also have an outreach called Encourage which ministers to relatives and friends of persons with same-sex attractions.

From our website you will learn about homosexuality and chastity. By developing an interior life of chastity, which is the universal call to all Christians, one can move beyond the confines of the homosexual identity to a more complete one in Christ.

There are lots of articles and resources available on that site which you might find helpful.

 

[Promises]

I have to say that I really appreciate your honesty in where you are at in your life (at such a young age). You actually have quite a bit of self-awareness. However, dwelling on an issue can exagerate that issue and make it seem more important than it needs to be. Try to redirect your thoughts to prayer, a hobby, sports of your choosing. Other things. The more we dwell on something (even dwelling on NOT doing it), the bigger it gets in our minds. Think of someone going on a diet. As soon as the diet starts, all the person can think about is food and NOT eating it! Because of your age (and religion), you ought not be thinking about physical relations with anyone. Period. Redirect your thoughts and activities and you might be surprised how your life fills up with new inspirations, friends and interests.

God Bless!
AndiV.

 

[Debra_C]

I am assuming that it is important to you to remain within the Church’s teachings on this matter since this is proving such a struggle for you? I would highly recommend that you seek the counsel and support of a priest to help you deal with this struggle. The Catholic apostolate for those struggling with homosexual attractions someone else mentioned is another good resource. But, you should absolutely not try to go it alone. Such temptations can be incredibly powerful, especially in the teen years.

Sadly, it is most likely that very few (if any) of your peers will understand or react favorably. I would hope that your parents would be supportive of you in this struggle, but with the many emotional and social issues that come up with such things, this is not always so easy for parents. I would like to think I would be a support to my daughters if any of them found themselves in this situation.

I think what I find most alarming is your statement that you easily fall into the submissive role in a sexual relationship. It is not actually the statement itself I find bothersome, but the underlying indication that you may have already fallen to this temptation before. If that is the case, it is likely to have only served to further confuse you, because though you have a very adult understanding of things for your age, you are still only 14. I don’t say this to upset or accuse you… but if this is the case, it is all the more imperative that you go and speak with a priest that you trust.

Make an appointment if you can–this isn’t something you should try to cover in the typical 5 minute confession during the regularly scheduled time. Please, please, whatever you do, find yourself some support to work through this.

You will be in my prayers.

 

[blessedtoo]

I would hope that your parents would be supportive of you in this struggle, but with the many emotional and social issues that come up with such things, this is not always so easy for parents. I would like to think I would be a support to my daughters if any of them found themselves in this situation.

Yes, I thought of this last night as well.

Are your parents practising Catholics? If so, I would certainly turn to them for help. You might confide to them that you are having these feelings and are struggling to remain chaste and true to your Catholic faith.

 

[St_Aloysius]

Perhaps redirecting some of this “energy” into your studies…I’m just saying…

Easier said than done, but I think you’re right. I’ve been trying to do this for some time now.

Still dragging around the old image of yourself perhaps. It may be time to really get a good look at yourself in the mirror.

I try… It’s hard to look at myself objectively, though.

Are your stalkers female? If so, what do they have to say about you? Perhaps you could try to take some of that positive feedback in and let that begin to fill up the hole.

Yes, they are (save maybe one, but that’s a different story.)

And at 14, you really should be somewhat submissive. However, submissive does not equal “feminine” or indicate a radical inclination to homosexuality.

If you saw me on the street, or even started talking to me, your impression wouldn’t be “feminine.” (One of the reasons, I think, that it’s easier for me than for some others to conceal my issue.) This is why I chose to use “unstable,” instead. I don’t know how to elaborate on this, however. I want to be rescued, to be held and supported. These are the “feminine” traits I possess; they’re not readily observable. And I feel going more “in-depth” would ultimately lead to confessions inappropriate to a public forum.

It could be that your personality is naturally somewhat passive.

Graham calls me a “pacifist,” and I am a veg-head. I’ve never really liked violence. Gandhi is my hero. Etc. Maybe you’re right. But I am still male. In a mosh pit or a football game—I’m anything but pacifist. (Graham thinks the difference between the two “me’s” is hilarious.)

Do you have a father in the picture? How about brothers?

My parents and I are distant. (I don’t have brothers.) They know—but were so devastated that I think they’ve sort of forced it out of mind. My dad and I never discuss sexual matters; my mother talks about girls at my school she thinks are cute and that I should “go for,” as if she knows nothing of my condition. I can’t bring it up with them… They haven’t made much of an attempt to connect these past 14 years. Starting now seems unlikely. They don’t look at me the same way.

The priest I feel closest to, and most comfortable around, is out of town. He won’t be back till next week.

Try to redirect your thoughts to prayer, a hobby, sports of your choosing. Other things.

I agree one hundred percent here. I want to go out for some kind of sports team. I have a tremendous fear of failure, though. Since I never was interested in sports when I was in elementary school (either the cause of or result of my weight at the time), I guess part of me just feels unequipped to go for something like that. I’m strong, though. Justin made me aware of that over the weekend. (He plays on the high school football team.) I think I’m fast, too, but I don’t know. I think going out for some kind of team would be uber helpful. So pray here…

I think what I find most alarming is your statement that you easily fall into the submissive role in a sexual relationship.

I’ve come close to doing a lot of things before, and made a lot, a lot of mistakes in my short lifetime—but I haven’t gone this far yet. I hope I never will. (Or at least part of me does.) But in thinking about this before, though, I know which role I’d assume. I just am trying to avoid that point.

Are your parents practising Catholics?

No. My mother is a Protestant (Baptist) by tradition, but not very strong. My father is somewhat irreligious (I’d say Conservatism is the closest thing to a religion he has) but he will come to church with my mom most weeks. He’s that way partly because of a difficult childhood. His mom (my now-deceased nana) was divorced and remarried many, many times. His younger brother died an early death of AIDs.

My mother is not supportive of my faith and won’t let me be Confirmed until I’m 18, though I attend Religious Education classes weekly. I can’t receive the Eucharist or enter into sacramental Confession. I do seek spiritual counsel from my priest, though, when I can.

 

[Debra_C]

My mother is not supportive of my faith and won’t let me be Confirmed until I’m 18, though I attend Religious Education classes weekly. I can’t receive the Eucharist or enter into sacramental Confession. I do seek spiritual counsel from my priest, though, when I can.

I am very sorry to learn this. I will pray also for her.

Have you spoken with your priest about this, also? I am afraid I do not see how she has the right to keep you from the Eucharist or Confession. If you can sit with the priest for counsel, surely he can hear your confession, too.

Well, do talk to him as soon as you can. I must say I am fearful of suggesting to anyone that they should directly disobey a parent, but it seems ot me this may be one of those cases…

Many Saints have had to contend with less than supportive parents or relatives. St. Bernadette’s mother was convinced she was too simple to have seen the Blessed Mother, and at one point, forbade her to return to the grotto. St. Rose of Lima struggled many years against opposition to her piety and desire to become a religious on the part of her family. I am sure you will find their intercession beneficial.

God bless!

 

[Seminarian_X]

Amazing.

 

[hasikelee]

Don’t over analyze it. Teens are known to make heroes out of others. In a way, it’s as if you’re subconscious is telling you this person is a good person, someone to emulate and model.

But adoring another person can lead you down a rocky path. This is not just on the issue of homosexual actions. As a 14 year old, you must be aware of other teens in your life who adore rock stars, actors, football players and the like. They might start to “slip” into another world and lose their grip on reality.

If you’re feeling these inclincations, why not just take a step back, take a deep breath and realize that adolescence is a long, rocky road, but at the end everything will settle down.

Have you looked into Christopher West’s materials? He has books and tapes on chastity. www.christopherwest.com

Also, kudos to your advanced level of writing and creative/book media style! It was as if I was reading a popular short story with the person changed. Very enjoyable!

 

[urban-hermit]

You have to be careful, young friend, that you don’t make your admiration of those you find attractive a form of idolatry.

Don’t forget what the first commandment means: put God first.

If you put God first, everything else will take care of itself.

 

[Maxply]

At your age, your sexual identity is still in its early formation. Don’t press on the issue. Don’t obsess about it: you very well could be unintentionally turning yourself down the homosexual pathway.

(This is the “oh my gosh!” phenomenon, where you scare yourself into believing you are what you aren’t. . . in a similar vein, medical students studying the effects of certain mental illnesses begin to find that people they know have these symptoms, etc.)

I think it’s clear you’re getting sexual awareness!

The only suggestion I can make to you is that you make friends with a girl your age. . . not to date her or even to have a romantic interest. . . but just to begin feeling more comfortable talking with women. I know in my own experience, once I started having my own individual sense of sexual identity, women became very foreboding to me, hard to approach. Find some girl to chat with at lunchtime, someone nonthreatening and someone who isn’t threatened by you, either. Just be friends.

 

[St_Aloysius]

The only suggestion I can make to you is that you make friends with a girl your age. . . not to date her or even to have a romantic interest. . . but just to begin feeling more comfortable talking with women. I know in my own experience, once I started having my own individual sense of sexual identity, women became very foreboding to me, hard to approach. Find some girl to chat with at lunchtime, someone nonthreatening and someone who isn’t threatened by you, either. Just be friends.

Actually, I have a lot of friends that are girls. (At my old school, my closest ones were anyway.) I find it very easy to talk to both sexes, actually.

But that’s 'cause I’m just charismatic.