Attraction and dating -- question for guys

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streetkid87

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My question is mainly for guys, especially guys who are married or in long-term relationships: how important is it that you be attracted to your significant other from the beginning? Have you had experiences where dating another person made them more attractive, to the point that you ended up in a long-term relationship with them or married to them, even if you weren’t interested in the beginning?

The reason I ask is this: I’m a single young guy, and some people have advised me that dating might be easier if I were to start dating people whom I didn’t really feel attracted to, because sometimes letting yourself become close to someone makes them more attractive in your eyes. I feel shallow for saying this, but I’d really like a partner to whom I felt at least some attraction from the very beginning – the idea of having to “learn” to be attracted to my future spouse is unappealing.

I hope that doesn’t sound selfish; I’m just being honest about how I feel. Please don’t reply if any of the above makes you angry, or if you feel inclined to talk really negatively or be preachy about women, men, dating, me, and so on. I’m just looking for casual, sane, friendly advice.

Thanks!
 
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streetkid87 said:
some people have advised me that dating might be easier if I were to start dating people whom I didn’t really feel attracted to
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All in all love is all about understanding and sacrificing for each other. In the beginning you do not know God, but once you understand Him more and more you will love Him and He loves you too. When you love God, you will do anything to make Him happy without expecting anything in return. You will sacrifice anything for God because of the power of love.

Similarly, if you discovered a girl who shows that she really cared for you to the point that she is willing to sacrifice anything for you, you know that’s the one. You, on the other hand also do the same. My point is, it does not matter whether you start from new or stick to a girl whom you had already known as long as you found true love.
 
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How someone looks is often what attracts us in the beginning, no doubt about it, but a persons character is what animates them and that can make a huge difference. We also have long term relationships due to someone’s character rather than simply their looks I would posit.

If you don’t feel attraction for someone because of their appearance that might be modified by their character and cause you to see them as more attractive over time too. It’s very subjective.

I don’t think you should force yourself, it should be a natural process.
 
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Do you refer to physical attraction in your post? If that is, then my answer is no and you might be shortchanging yourself. There would need to be some common interest or attraction on some level. It could be sharing a common interest, the emotional support of a true friend, or a commonality is another dimension of a relationship. I am not saying physical attraction is not important, just that it is only one part of a strong and loving life together.
 
I didn’t just mean physical attraction – though that’s one component of it. It’s hard for me to tell, at times, just what is attractive or not attractive about a person. I had one female friend to whom I got very close, and she wanted to date me, and I wanted to want to date her, but even years after getting to know her I still just didn’t feel it, I suppose – a lack of physical attraction was definitely one component, but I don’t think it was all.
 
And, again, I feel shallow for saying that, and I hate to disappoint people – but that’s just how I felt.
 
When you are attracted to people, how does this manifest itself? (at the start 🙂)
 
I don’t see it a being shallow. It is more honest not to date someone where there is no attraction, than to date with no intent.
 
Huh. I’m not sure how to say it. I guess that I sort of just notice some people as interesting. It’s not just physically attractive people – there are plenty of physically attractive people whom I don’t find interesting at all. It’s hard to explain.
 
Then ask one out. From the perspective of a 39-year relationship it is hard to remember these things. Different couples value different things long term. Enjoying the same humour, liking the same people - all sorts of things. Attraction isn’t really much of an issue when you are there all the time for each other. It’s done, you’re attracted. I must ask Mrs FiveLinden if she is still attracted to me. Or maybe not…
 
Not a guy, but I’m pretty sure the average woman wants to be with a man who finds her very attractive. Otherwise she may end up feeling miserable about her inability to attract her husband.
 
streetkid87 said:
My question is mainly for guys, especially guys who are married or in long-term relationships: how important is it that you be attracted to your significant other from the beginning?
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I think its important. It can happen that you become attracted to someone over time but it’s not guaranteed to happen. Obviously you should grow in love for that person but it’s generally good to start from a position of being attracted to a person.
 
I expect quite a few people have been in a situation whereby they were extremely physically attracted to someone but that person was actually not good for them at all. Some relationships like that can be very difficult to break free from and cause long term psychological damage, possibly to both parties.

Teenage dating is different to adult dating though it must be said.
 
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