Attraction to my husband

[SeminoleGirl22]

So after much careful thought, prayer and dialogue with my priest, i have decided to try and make things work with my husband. my priest told me, “if every marriage that was touched by pornography or adultery of the heart was granted an anullment, thered be few marriages left. be a rock like Peter was.”

i see a point is his reason, and just running out isnt going to do anything. i guess i have the opportunity to live as an example to others as well as my husband.

that being said: how on earth do you have sex with a man who has an appearance you find utterly physically repulsive??? an appearance he CHOOSES even over my objections.

he waxes his body, so if i touch his arms, chest or legs, it really feels like i am touching a woman’s skin. it makes me crawl all over, just like i am feeling another woman. he also tans in a tanning bed, and my Lord, it it just ridiculous.

he has a shaved head with a razor, completely bald. he honestly looks like a Neo Nazi Skinhead from American History X. also, he had grown a mustache and gotee, and he looks sooooo mean, i mean almost evil. and i do not like facial hair AT ALL.

he has put back in his hoop earrings, ones he had when i first met him, but he stopped wearing them after i convinced him it just didnt look right. now he has a new shiny pair. YUCK.

he has worked out to the point where you can see so many veins and lines of muscle, it is literally disgusting. he entered the Gold’s Gym 90 day challenge, dropped to about 9% body fat, and now wants to enter the Mr. Tallahassee contest. before the 90 day challenge finals, he dropped his water intake to almost nothing, and i just could not look at his body. it was horrible. who in the world thinks looking like that is sexy?

also, being able to work from home so much, he is ALWAYS in workout clothes, sweatshorts and tanktops. i never see him dressed nicely. even if we do go out once in a blue moon, he will wear raggety jeans and a t-shirt.

my point is, how are you supposed to have a sexual relationship with a person who does not turn you on ONE BIT?

am i allowed to just lay there and picture him like he used to look? i dont see how i can have sex with him according to church teaching when sex is supposed to be unitive and procreatvie. i mean it feels like i will be having sex with a complete stranger now, with the way he looks and my lack of physcial attraction. how can sex be unitive when you feel like your spouse looks like someone youd run from on the street?

is physical attraction a requirement in Catholic teaching, or can i just do it because i know i am supposed to? i want to try and make it work, but honestly if he looked this way before we were married, id have never gone through with it. he is completely unattractive to me now. any ideas?

 

[RyanL_s_Wife]

Here’s some food for thought (as far as the unattractivenss goes).

Let’s say he was in a fire and horribly burned (disfigured) What would you do in that situation?

Of course, if it is his behavior that is the underlying issue of why he is so unattractive to you, than that is a different story.

I realize in your situation, he has a choice in how he looks. I just thought seeing it from another perspective might help. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I do know there are time when I am not in the mood, but if I am not sick or extremely tired, I try to meet my husband’s needs because that is part of being a wife (to me anyway). Besides in the end, I am happy because I enjoy making him happy.

Like I said, just food for thought.

RyanL’s Wife

 

[CatholicSam]

I am not familiar with your whole situation, but it seems as though physical attraction is the least of your worries. If your marriage lasts for a few decades, neither of you would be attractive by today’s culture’s standards–you’ll be little wrinkly balls of flab. But it’s the inside person you love, not just the body. In the marital act, you are giving YOURSELF to your husband freely, as a gift. If you’re in it only for what you get out of it, it can be lustful or selfish. If you want to change your spouse, start with yourself. When he sees that you want to unite yourself to him despite his physical appearance, maybe he will be moved to change his style for your sake. Good luck and God bless!

Sam

 

[kage_ar]

You have made a decision – now to work through it. First of all, pray for your husband.

Next – well, baby steps my friend, baby steps. I don’t think any one expects you to swoon over him again this soon, work being comfortable with him first. You two need to learn how to be friends again…

Learn to enjoy some time with him – why not go to the gym with him. You do not have to become a muscle bound amazon woman, spend some time on a stationary bike or treadmill (you can read or say your rosary while you do these) – if they have a pool, swim while he works out.

Maybe you can hold his hand or give him a hug – baby steps, baby steps.

Pray that he see the joy of Christ in you, and that you will be a beacon to bring him home. There is nothing more attractive than your very own devout Catholic husband.

 

[gavin52]

If you really love him his looks would not get in the way of that love. When you’re both old and wrinkly neither will be physically attractive. It’s what’s inside that matters most.

 

[the-3rd-parent]

To me, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with how you described his appearence, but I don’t think its a physical attraction thing. I think its that his appearence is reiterating his distorted attitudes toward sex. Since he has betrayed this trust, the way he is choosing to look doesn’t stand with being a good wholesome man.

I mean it could go the opposite route? If I married a nice wholesome man as I am now and then switched to constantly dying my hair different colors, getting a belly peircing, wearing low cut shirts and waxing all my hair except my head, how would that make my wholesome man feel? Here I am advertising my body to other people, being more concerned with my physical appearence than with my inner life.

And I do think it sounds like your husband does seem to be putting about an appearence like that…some tough guy who thinks its neccessary not to have a hairy chest and what not.

Talk to your husband about you feelings. Tell him he doesn’t need to wax and that it actually makes you uncomfortable. Get a good Catholic marriage councilor if you can, or at least one whose not going to say “you’re too different. Divorce.” Have that councilor help with your communication.

As a virgin, I can’t give you any advice on how to have sex I’ve still got the virgin’s fear over the intimate act. I can’t imagine it being physically comfortable at all without being able to become aroused and without feeling safe and secure with the one I love. Keep close to prayer and build your friendship with your husband. I pray he’s willing to coorporate with you. If there is love in his heart for you, your discomfort should move him toward wanting to make you feel comfortable with him.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Do you think maybe this is just a manifestation of your emotional feelings toward your husband? When someone treats you without any respect or value or kindness, it is hard to feel a desire for them emotionally, let alone physically.

Maybe you can start slowly. Do you sleep in the same bed still? Can you sleep on his chest or let him hold you while you try to fall asleep? Get used to feeling him touch you and the feel of his skin. Block all thoughts of comparing him to a woman or anything else negative. Choose to connotate positive things with the attributes that bother you the most. (Such as, “I have a strong and athletic husband.” NOT, “I have a gladiator-wannabe husband whose veiny arms gross me out!”)

Christmas is coming up. Maybe you could suggest to him that you’d like to buy him some nice dress clothes as a present. Given the income discrepancy you’ve noted before, he might take this to be a kind gesture as clothes can be expensive and you’d be generously offering something to him that might be difficult to afford comfortably. Get a couple outfits that you’d like him to wear when you go out and spend time together.

If you convinced him once that earrings and shaved hair and whatever else were unattractive, chances are you can convince him again. I just wouldn’t hold my breath in doing so when he’s unhappy and feeling like you’re withholding sex. As you come back together in love and he sees that you are giving sex to him freely and willingly, hopefully his desire to please you in many ways will also come forth.

Good luck with your decision, I will keep praying for you.

 

[Beebs]

I have read all of your prior posts.

You have been posting for three months now and it sound like nothing is changing.

In this thread you are only focusing on his appearance, but your prior postings details that the two of you have grown even farther apart.

I hesitate telling anyone to give up but from what you have told us so far it sounds like you have good grounds for an anulment.

Either way I will pray for you.

 

[Siena]

A previous poster suggested that part of your problem might be his attitude toward you makes him unattractive to you. If he still looked the same, it is likely you would still not have a great attraction to him. Based on my own life experience, I will suggest 2 things.

1- pray that God will restore your desire for your husband.

2- always remember that Jesus himself lives in your dh, and if you show your dh love, you are also showing Jesus love. In the same way, as Jesus lives in you, you might be the only way your dh is able to experience the intimate love of Christ.

 

[vluvski]

I’m at a loss, and heartbroken for your situation.

I have to give you a lot of credit for wanting to work things through, and that says a lot of great things about you. I do agree with your priests that annulments are granted entirely too casually, but the entire pretense of your marriage was false. Your husband masqueraded as someone he wasn’t, and once the vows were said, he decided to behave as he pleased.

If you really want to work this out, all you can do is suck it up and remember the man you thought you were marrying. Would he agree to Retrouvaille or some other Marriage Encounter type event? The first step, though, is to stop withholding sex even though you have legitimate reason to do so. You are allowed to give yourself to him freely even if his gift of himself is incomplete.

I hope your husband will soon recognize what a saint you are for wanting to stick things out. Prayers!