Attraction - What if it isn't there?

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ShelleyAnne

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I’m not real sure if this is where I should post this, so please be patient. I’m 24 years old and have been dating a very good man for a couple of months now. We’re both cradle Catholics and believe strongly in our faiths. The problem I’m running in to is while I like spending time with him, but I only like it as being a friend and not a possible mate, if that makes sense. From the beginning there wasn’t the attraction that I thought was supposed to be there when you are trying to get to know someone who could possibly be your spouse. I kept telling myself that that will eventually happen. I have a long history with my relationships being this way and because a marriage is supposed to include procreation, how can I possibly try to go down that road, when I can’t picture being with him that way. I don’t even really get the butterflies in my stomach or anything. I want to be settled down with kids very much, but I want the person to be right. I see a lot of you guys talk on here about how attractive your spouse is and how you can’t wait to be in their presence, and I just don’t feel that way. Is this normal? Does this mean he isn’t the right one? I believe he deserves all of this too and if I can’t give it to him as equally as he gives to me, then I know he deserves someone who can. So, does attraction come later or does it have to be there from the beginning? I’m sorry this is so long, but I keep running into this brick wall and I need some guidance.
 
It’s not always present right at first-- sometimes people grow on you.

But, after several months of dating him, if it were going to be there you would probably feel it by now.

If you say you feel this way about every man you date-- then maybe you need some spritual direction.
 
Think of all the centuries past, when marriage was arranged. People married and had families and the divorce rate was really really low.

I married a good friend. Did I get goosebumps or see fireworks when we first kissed - nope. There are some goosebump times, but, the attraction grew from the friendship, and now the romance ebbs and flows.

Marriage is not all about romantic love - it is about sharing values and belief and companionship and raising children and commitment. It is about being content and respected and treasured by someone.
 
I guess I’m always in need of spiritual direction. I’m definitely not the perfect in my faith. I shouldn’t have said it was that way with every one I’ve dated, it does seem that way. But it does happen quite often. I guess I just needed to know if it is normal and this is just part of the process of finding the “right one”.
 
kage_ar said:
Think of all the centuries past, when marriage was arranged. People married and had families and the divorce rate was really really low.

I married a good friend. Did I get goosebumps or see fireworks when we first kissed - nope. There are some goosebump times, but, the attraction grew from the friendship, and now the romance ebbs and flows.

Marriage is not all about romantic love - it is about sharing values and belief and companionship and raising children and commitment. It is about being content and respected and treasured by someone.
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Well said:thumbsup:
 
I believe attraction is very important in the beginning. If you are not attracted to him, I would move on.

After 28 yrs. of marriage, I still go back in my mind and remember what first attracted me to my husband, I have many fond memories. And those memories have helped get me through some of the ‘scenic roads’ of our marriage. I wouldn’t want to see you get to the hard stuff of marriage and think ‘well, I was never attracted to you anyway’.
 
kage_ar said:
Think of all the centuries past, when marriage was arranged. People married and had families and the divorce rate was really really low.

I married a good friend. Did I get goosebumps or see fireworks when we first kissed - nope. There are some goosebump times, but, the attraction grew from the friendship, and now the romance ebbs and flows.

Marriage is not all about romantic love - it is about sharing values and belief and companionship and raising children and commitment. It is about being content and respected and treasured by someone.
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It is funny you say that, because I’ve many times wished it were that way nowdays. I like my independence and everything, but I often think life might be less complicated if a few decisions were taken out of the equation. Thank you though, for putting things in perspective.
 
Are there men who you haven’t dated/wouldn’t date to whom you did feel attracted? Assuming there are such men, what was it about them that attracted you?

I’m just thinking that examining this about yourself might tell you if you just haven’t met the right man or if the men you are attracted to cannot be the right sort of man.
 
No, I wouldn’t consider it “normal” not to feel attracted to someone you consider marrying — or, to be more precise, I wouldn’t consider it “normal” to consider marrying someone you aren’t attracted to.

Your mate doesn’t need to be the most desirable person you’ve ever seen ---- that would be a pretty shallow standard — but he does need to be someone you desire.

Why would you put HIM through a marriage to someone who isn’t attracted to him? Doesn’t he deserve to have a wife whom he pleases? Why doom him to a lifetime of marriage in which he feels like a failure?
 
newf said:
I believe attraction is very important in the beginning. If you are not attracted to him, I would move on.

After 28 yrs. of marriage, I still go back in my mind and remember what first attracted me to my husband, I have many fond memories. And those memories have helped get me through some of the ‘scenic roads’ of our marriage. I wouldn’t want to see you get to the hard stuff of marriage and think ‘well, I was never attracted to you anyway’.
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That very thing you are speaking of is what worries me the most. Ten years after marriage I don’t want to even think about giving up on our marriage nor do I want any resentment in my marriage for any reason.
 
ShelleyAnne said:
I’m not real sure if this is where I should post this, so please be patient. I’m 24 years old and have been dating a very good man for a couple of months now. We’re both cradle Catholics and believe strongly in our faiths. The problem I’m running in to is while I like spending time with him, but I only like it as being a friend and not a possible mate, if that makes sense. From the beginning there wasn’t the attraction that I thought was supposed to be there when you are trying to get to know someone who could possibly be your spouse. I kept telling myself that that will eventually happen. I have a long history with my relationships being this way and because a marriage is supposed to include procreation, how can I possibly try to go down that road, when I can’t picture being with him that way. I don’t even really get the butterflies in my stomach or anything. I want to be settled down with kids very much, but I want the person to be right. I see a lot of you guys talk on here about how attractive your spouse is and how you can’t wait to be in their presence, and I just don’t feel that way. Is this normal? Does this mean he isn’t the right one? I believe he deserves all of this too and if I can’t give it to him as equally as he gives to me, then I know he deserves someone who can. So, does attraction come later or does it have to be there from the beginning? I’m sorry this is so long, but I keep running into this brick wall and I need some guidance.
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I’m very attracted to my fiance…but…not too long ago he came down with a several week long illness…and I found myself taking care of a significantly less handsome man…🙂

Was I still attracted to him? Yes, because when I say I’m attracted to him I’m talking attraction on many different levels: physical, intellectual, emotional.

If you’ve found a guy who is your perfect match intellectually and emotionally…maybe you’re worrying too much about the physical. It doesn’t have to be goosebumps–if you love being with him and being around him is something you look forward to, then don’t worry…

On the other hand, if the idea of kissing him has you shuddering, maybe you should look elsewhere…

kevinsgirl :love:
 
kage_ar said:
Think of all the centuries past, when marriage was arranged. People married and had families and the divorce rate was really really low.
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You look through rose colored glasses at this.

It is well-documented that many of those in arranged marriages had liaisons with others. Men and women, although more commonly the men. Marriage was a duty, and pleasure was sought outside marriage.

Divorce was illegal. Women had no rights or ability to leave.

While many were content in their marriages, had true affection, or grew in attraction, the majority endured in these marriages… not thrived.
 
SMHW said:
Are there men who you haven’t dated/wouldn’t date to whom you did feel attracted? Assuming there are such men, what was it about them that attracted you?

I’m just thinking that examining this about yourself might tell you if you just haven’t met the right man or if the men you are attracted to cannot be the right sort of man.
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Yes there were men I’ve dated that I surely was attracted to. I don’t have a problem being attracted to people. It’s just they’re usually guys that probably aren’t the best thing for me. Attraction usually starts out with “Wow, he’s kinda cute”. Then I get to know them, and after some aggravation, the relationship ends. Then a genuine good man steps into my life and all I seem to want is friendship.
 
kevinsgirl said:
On the other hand, if the idea of kissing him has you shuddering, maybe you should look elsewhere…

kevinsgirl :love:
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Um, I wasn’t sure if I could get into that on here, so I didn’t say anything, but it is kinda like that. It just doesn’t seem right.
 
Thank all of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut on this. He is a wonderful human being and deserves the best. If you could, just send some prayers our way for the Holy Spirit to guide us and enlighten us to God’s will. Thanks Again. God Bless All of You.
 
Just a question…does he know how you feel? I think you owe that to him at least, honesty. Don’t delude or lead on the man. If you care anything about him…you need to tell him what you feel. Especially if all you want with him is friendship. He deserves that. Especially if you are sending out mixed signals. I am sure he’s not stupid. He sounds like a very intelligent and sensitive person.
 
Attraction is very important, it’s part of the whole equation. I’ve been in the situation where the Chemistry is just not there. I moved on because it’s not fair to the other person to string him along.
 
stbruno said:
Just a question…does he know how you feel? I think you owe that to him at least, honesty. Don’t delude or lead on the man. If you care anything about him…you need to tell him what you feel. Especially if all you want with him is friendship. He deserves that. Especially if you are sending out mixed signals. I am sure he’s not stupid. He sounds like a very intelligent and sensitive person.
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He is extremely intelligent and sensitive. He does know to a certain degree how I feel, I can’t keep certain feelings from him. He’s a man who feels things very deeply and very quickly. He gets attached very easily. I’m the only girl amongst six brothers in my family and because of that I’ve learned how to be little miss independent. Because he’s so sensitive, I try to let him know as different feelings develop and keep things at a slow pace. I am doing everything possible to keep him from getting hurt, but I seem to be making it worse.
 
Guys please don’t think I’m stringing him along. I was raised better than that and I don’t believe in treating a person so cruelly. I’m just trying to sort out what is going on in my own mind so that I can fully let him know. All I hear from friends and family is I’d be stupid to let someone as good as him go, and while that may be true, and he is good, I don’t believe that automatically means he’s the one for me.
 
if you shudder when u think about kissing him, then he is not the person for you.
but i would strongly suggest u look into why it is so. he obviously is not bad to look at…(or is he??)
and if it is not that and you say that you are not a shallow person to begin with, then what is preventing you from being with this guy and having the romantic feelings?
it would be a good idea to look into that first before you push him away or start a new relationship… you keep mentioning that you start off with a guy who is really cute and you like him physically and then find that there are other aspects of him that you dont like? what are the other aspects of these cute guys that u do not like?
remember my dear. no man is perfect…
i remember a wise saying that i saw on this website i think :

always choose a man you can live with and not the one whom you cant live without

they are the ones who can keep u happy!!!
i dont know if this helped but i hope God will give u the courage and discernment to make the wise choice.
 
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