Attraction - What if it isn't there?

[Loren_1of6]

I am reminded of something I heard Christopher West say once on the topic of attraction and love. I have applied it here to my own life.

When I met my husband, I was attracted to his physical features. If yu were to ask me them what I loved about him, the answer would include things like “He has beautiful eyes. He’s tall. I like his nose.”

As we got to know each other better, I started appreciating the qualities that he has. If you had asked me then, before we got married, I would have said that I like his sensitivity, his generosity, his honesty.

Now that we have been married for almost 15 years, I love him because he is James. He is the other half of me. Of course I still love all that other stuff about him, but it is just stuff about him. I love him because of who he is, not because of what he’s like.

Of course, if by “not attracted to him” you mean “physically repulsed by the way he looks,” maybe you should look elsewhere.

 

[StratusRose]

Guys please don’t think I’m stringing him along. I was raised better than that and I don’t believe in treating a person so cruelly. I’m just trying to sort out what is going on in my own mind so that I can fully let him know. All I hear from friends and family is I’d be stupid to let someone as good as him go, and while that may be true, and he is good, I don’t believe that automatically means he’s the one for me.

I’m sorry, I wasn’t implying that you were stringing him along. I was just speaking in general terms.

 

[ShelleyAnne]

It’s ok. I know you didn’t imply I was stringing him along. I just felt in my heart that I didn’t want anyone, not you exclusively, to think I was doing that. I’ve definitely got a lot to think and pray about.

 

[newf]

ShelleyAnne,

I don’t get the impression you are stringing him along, either. You are just trying to do what is best for both of you. And you have a legitimate concern in that you are not attracted to him…and if getting physically close to him is not interesting to you, that’s another signal you need to heed.

It’s good family and friends see him as a decent guy. That speaks well of both of you. But in the end, your relationship is between you two…what if he was the one feeling the way you do, what would you want him to do? Hang on? Leave? Sometimes turning the tables can help you see more clearly.

 

[SMHW]

Yes there were men I’ve dated that I surely was attracted to. I don’t have a problem being attracted to people. It’s just they’re usually guys that probably aren’t the best thing for me. Attraction usually starts out with “Wow, he’s kinda cute”. Then I get to know them, and after some aggravation, the relationship ends. Then a genuine good man steps into my life and all I seem to want is friendship.

I’m just looking for a little clarification on something you said here because I’m not sure if what I’m getting from this is exactly what you meant.

I’m trying to figure out if you were ever attracted to the ‘good’ men because it’s not clear to me from what you wrote.

Are the guys you meet who are attractive to you but then turn out not to be so great completely separate from the genuine good guys? Or do you meet guys, find them attractive, but if you realize they are ‘good’ then at that point you only want to be friends?

I just can’t help thinking that you find the typical good man a little bit boring.

 

[Gamera]

Um, I wasn’t sure if I could get into that on here, so I didn’t say anything, but it is kinda like that. It just doesn’t seem right.

Sounds to me like this should be a deal-breaker.

Sex is a basic part of marriage. Within sacramental marriage, sex is a gift from God. You aren’t going to enjoy this gift if you don’t like this man “that way.” Not just that, it’ll actually become a nightmare. If merely kissing him is unpleasant to you, you definitely don’t belong in the same marriage bed with him doing a whole lot more. Also, he isn’t going to enjoy it either if he feels that he isn’t able to please you.

 

[StephanieC]

ShelleyAnne~

You don’t have to answer this, but I wondered if I could suggest an imaginary reversal of the situation:

Pretend that the two of you do end up engaged.

The subject of attraction comes up a few weeks before your wedding while the two of you are having a philosophical chat over brunch one day.

He mentions to you, “Well ShelleyAnne, I love you, but there’s really no physical attraction there. No butterflies, nada.”

a) Would you marry him anyway? and b) Would you be hurt?

Again, not neccessarily for answering on the thread, but it might open another path for thought.

God bless.

 

[YinYangMom]

I will recommend the following book:

When God Writes Your Love Story

I bought it for my 16 year old daughter who went through 2 relationships in the past year.

In the first, the guy appeared to really love and adore her…lots of respect and all…but she didn’t ‘feel’ that way about him. She was never really attracted to him, she liked him for who he was, she appreciated his attentions, but conversationally they were interested in other things so she found herself explaining herself to him more than sharing herself with him. She broke off the relationship because she believed he deserved to have someone who not only appreciated him for who he was, but was also physically attracted to him.

The next fellow was a true gentleman, they shared common interests, she experienced that ‘magic’ when he first held her hand (think “Sleepless in Seattle”) that she never felt with the other fellow. But he’s 18, and while he’s Catholic and somewhat devout, apparently he’s not 100% behind church teaching as he shared with her the truth that to him, investing in a relationship includes intimacy - that he considers physical intimacy (including sex) - an expression of love. She is clear about sex belonging only within marriage and so they’ve agreed to go separate ways in that regard. Still friends.

In between those two relationship I gave her that book and she devoured it. She told me it really has enabled her to trust God to bring to her the one he intends, and that because of this book she feels great about having lost this what appeared to be ‘perfect’ suitor for her principles.

In the past she would have beaten herself up for not being good enough for these guys, but now she says, they’re still great guys but she deserves better - not because the Church says so, but because she feels God’s love holding her up right now. She’s not feeling alone after this break up and that is bringing her a lot of peace. She’s excited to see what God has in store for her next.

 

[raggakitten]

Well, if you’re not attracted to him AT ALL, well, then, move on, and let him move on to someone who will like him physically…

Because that thing about not being able to imagine yourself procreating with him is a red flag!

I’m not saying that physical attraction is all that matters, but come on! Lets be realistic here, you do need to AT LEAST like the person enough to have kids with him/her!
I know that beauty fades… But hey, at least when you grow old and you can think back how attracted you were to each other…

It must be horrible to marry someone and want to have kids, but not be able to because you can’t imagine yourself making love to your husband…

Think about it, don’t rush into something just because you want to settle down NOW, it’s when GOD wants it anyway.

 

[hasikelee]

ShelleyAnne,
I hear girlfriends talk like this. They feel butterflies over creeps but a nice man asks them out and they just “don’t feel it” so they never get into a nice relationship.

Are your parents divorced? Any past trauma or abuse? Any difficulties such as rape or abortion?

It could also possibly be some much more simpler. Do you have a specific need for recreation/fun? Have you tried going on a date with this man and doing something childish and funny, running around playing tag, wrestling, tickling, joking? Those feelings of attraction can be stimulated by the hormone called oxytocin, so be sure to see if it’s just that.

 

[ShelleyAnne]

Hey Guys.
First off thank all of you for helping me out. It just felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere no matter how many times I went over this in my head. There was definitely a time in my life where I went through a period of all I wanted to date were “bad” boys and I didn’t know what to do with guys who were “good”. But, because of that experience I have learned to asess what is really important to me. I guess it’s part experience or just part growing up. I see that values and beliefs that run in harmony with mine are more important than physical attrubutes. I think this may have been why it’s so disappointing to me that these feelings aren’t there. It’s true that it could be something deeper and I am going to check in to that. Honestly, like many of you have stated, if the roles were reversed I would want to know how the other person really felt. I have no intention of hiding the things I’m feeling from him. I’ve been the person someone has strung along on a leash before and I know how it hurts, and he doesn’t deserve that. All I can say is God knows what he’s doing and he knows I’m trying and when the time is right it’ll happen. I can see why so many people come here now for advice. God Bless all of you.

 

[Gamera]

Well, a lot of women feel attraction to “bad boys,” but that doesn’t mean you can’t also be attracted to “knights in shining armor.” There’s more than one way to be sexy.

If this guy isn’t attractive to you, then move on to someone who is. There are attractive “good boys,” but you won’t find them if you don’t move on and keep looking.

 

[Sierrah]

If there’s no attraction after months of dating then it’s time to let the relationship go. To let it drift on further is to lead the guy on and that’s not fair to either of you. I know all too well where you’re coming from…I’ve been there more times then I can count. I seem to have an inclination to lean towards the bad boys but I’ve not let myself continue in bad relationships with men who don’t share my values. I think it’s important to stick to you’re guns and wait for a person who you really feel connected with, morally, spiritually and physically. Without those ingredients I think any relationship is doomed to failure. Keeping all that in mind it’s always a good idea to give people a chance to grow on you but after months I’d say if the spark isn’t there it’s just not there and it’s time to let go.

 

[jc-servant]

ShellyAnne,

It sounds like the man you are describing it meant to be a friend and nothing more. I have had lots of good male platonic male friends over the years who have turned out to make someone else a wonderful husband. (However, a caveat is that you cannot be “just friends” if one party is in love and the other is not. You may need time and space for romantic feelings to fade before a friendship can happen.)

Trust that there is someone special God has planned for you if in fact marriage is your vocation. The Lord can provide better than we can imagine in our dreams. I have seen this with many friends over time. I believe if you have faith and patience, the Lord will send you someone at the right time and right place who will have the good inner qualities and enough physical attraction that you won’t worry about it.

Don’t be in such a rush to have a serious boyfriend or marriage that you settle for less than what you will need to have a good lasting marriage. Just because family and friends think this particular guy is great does not mean that he is “the one” for you. They are not the ones who would have to go on the honeymoon and wake up next to him for the next 40 years.

 

[raggakitten]

Well, a lot of women feel attraction to “bad boys,” but that doesn’t mean you can’t also be attracted to “knights in shining armor.” There’s more than one way to be sexy.

If this guy isn’t attractive to you, then move on to someone who is. There are attractive “good boys,” but you won’t find them if you don’t move on and keep looking.

I absolutely agree 100%