Authority in marriage: what is it exactly?

[ac_claire]

The subject of authority in marriage came up in the Limits of Headship thread, and raised some questions. Do the Scriptures (partucularly Ephesians 5) and the magisterial teachings of the Church actually specify that the husband has authority over the wife?

If so, then obviously it’s not the same kind of authority that parents have over their children. Nor is it the kind of moral authority that a priest has. So what *is *it, exactly? And what does it look like in practical application in a marriage?

 

[Berean2]

Years ago, I did a study of the Greek verbs used in the passage in Ephesians, viz. “nourishes” her as his own flesh, “cherishes” her, etc. The result was fascinating: in effect, he is supposed to pamper and cultivate her, providing an environment/atmosphere where she can attain to maximum development (almost like she was a pasha).

I saw it in action in my former boss’ marriage (I used to hang out with their family after he got a pastorate): she hardly did a thing. He would run errands, help with meal preps, do dishes, bathe the kids, put them to bed, etc. etc. I was amazed at how much of a true servant he was (tho in no way a wimp, mind you), and he never came across as a martyr while doing it, either: he genuinely enjoyed pitching in.

 

[Deedledum]

Men of today could take a few lessons from this “Gentleman”.

 

[JRKH]

Men of today could take a few lessons from this “Gentleman”.

Agreed

Peace
James

 

[JRKH]

The subject of authority in marriage came up in the Limits of Headship thread, and raised some questions. Do the Scriptures (partucularly Ephesians 5) and the magisterial teachings of the Church actually specify that the husband has authority over the wife?

If so, then obviously it’s not the same kind of authority that parents have over their children. Nor is it the kind of moral authority that a priest has. So what *is *it, exactly? And what does it look like in practical application in a marriage?

The only paragraph in the CCC where teh terms Husband and Authority are both used is this one.
2207 The family is the original cell of social life. It is the natural society in which husband and wife are called to give themselves in love and in the gift of life. Authority, stability, and a life of relationships within the family constitute the foundations for freedom, security, and fraternity within society. The family is the community in which, from childhood, one can learn moral values, begin to honor God, and make good use of freedom. Family life is an initiation into life in society.

The central thing to remember is that the Husband and Wife are not two but one. They must be willing to give, one to the other, in Love. This requires both “authority over” and “submission to” each other. Kind of what we refer to as “compromise”.

When each person in a marriage seeks the good of both many blessings proceed.
For instance, in my parents relationship, Mom was the better educated, good with numbers very organized etc. She took care of all the money, in concert with their plans of course. Dad was a real hands on kind of person. Loved to Garden, could fix most anything. We saved a lot of money thanks to dad’s handiness. Mom would help clean and put of vegetables and Dad would help cook and run the vacuum.
In other words each did what was their strong points and were willing to kickin wherever help was needed. Neither felt put upon or slighted or “lorded over”. They lived truly as “one”.

Peace
James

 

[Jea9]

The subject of authority in marriage came up in the Limits of Headship thread, and raised some questions. Do the Scriptures (partucularly Ephesians 5) and the magisterial teachings of the Church actually specify that the husband has authority over the wife?

If so, then obviously it’s not the same kind of authority that parents have over their children. Nor is it the kind of moral authority that a priest has. So what *is *it, exactly? And what does it look like in practical application in a marriage?

I think you and I were married around the same time last year ac claire, so take this as a newlywed’s response. I think that the authority the husband has is kind of like ‘ultimate’. If our father’s are supposed to be representative of the love we have for Our Heavenly Father, then he needs to have the kind of authority (on a finite level of course) that Our Heavenly Father has. You wouldn’t say “well, I know that missing Mass on Sunday is a mortal sin, but I really just feel like sleeping in this Sunday and NOT going, I’m sure God won’t mind this weekend”. So why would you say “I really want this new car (vacuum, our kids to go to the public/private school, insert ANY major decision here) and even though I know that he’ll be upset at first, I’m sure my husband will understand in the long run”. Of course “major decision” is something that each couple has to decide together. We have discussed those things that we think constitute a major decision and my husband knows that while I’ll give my opinion (and he’ll listen and take it to heart) I leave the ‘ultimate’ decision up to him. Whew, am I glad I’m not the husband!

I don’t know if that even makes sense. But, I think that we both have to work together and serve eachother, but I really DO think that the husband/father in the home is representative of Our Heavenly Father and he deserves the respect, love, and authority that comes with that. Our earthly fathers (and husbands when we’re married) are supposed to show us just a small inkling of the love that Our Heavenly Father has for us, a foretaste, how can we NOT want to show that same love to him?

 

[1ke]

I suggest the papal encyclical Casti Connubii, available online. It discusses this topic.

 

[ac_claire]

Took a look at Casti Connubii, which has some really interesting things to say about marriage. I didn’t find anything specifically about the nature of a husband’s authority, but I did find these passages which sorta “go there”:

1. We may now consider another class of errors concerning conjugal faith. Every sin committed as regards the offspring becomes in some way a sin against conjugal faith, since both these blessings are essentially connected. However, we must mention briefly the sources of error and vice corresponding to those virtues which are demanded by conjugal faith, namely the chaste honor existing between man and wife, the due subjection of wife to husband, and the true love which binds both parties together.

1. The same false teachers who try to dim the luster of conjugal faith and purity do not scruple to do away with the honorable and trusting obedience which the woman owes to the man. Many of them even go further and assert that such a subjection of one party to the other is unworthy of human dignity, that the rights of husband and wife are equal; wherefore, they boldly proclaim the emancipation of women has been or ought to be effected. This emancipation in their ideas must be threefold, in the ruling of the domestic society, in the administration of family affairs and in the rearing of the children. It must be social, economic, physiological: - physiological, that is to say, the woman is to be freed at her own good pleasure from the burdensome duties properly belonging to a wife as companion and mother (We have already said that this is not an emancipation but a crime); social, inasmuch as the wife being freed from the cares of children and family, should, to the neglect of these, be able to follow her own bent and devote herself to business and even public affairs; finally economic, whereby the woman even without the knowledge and against the wish of her husband may be at liberty to conduct and administer her own affairs, giving her attention chiefly to these rather than to children, husband and family.

1. This, however, is not the true emancipation of woman, nor that rational and exalted liberty which belongs to the noble office of a Christian woman and wife; it is rather the debasing of the womanly character and the dignity of motherhood, and indeed of the whole family, as a result of which the husband suffers the loss of his wife, the children of their mother, and the home and the whole family of an ever watchful guardian. More than this, this false liberty and unnatural equality with the husband is to the detriment of the woman herself, for if the woman descends from her truly regal throne to which she has been raised within the walls of the home by means of the Gospel, she will soon be reduced to the old state of slavery (if not in appearance, certainly in reality) and become as amongst the pagans the mere instrument of man.

1. This equality of rights which is so much exaggerated and distorted, must indeed be recognized in those rights which belong to the dignity of the human soul and which are proper to the marriage contract and inseparably bound up with wedlock. In such things undoubtedly both parties enjoy the same rights and are bound by the same obligations; in other things there must be a certain inequality and due accommodation, which is demanded by the good of the family and the right ordering and unity and stability of home life.

 

[1ke]

Took a look at Casti Connubii, which has some really interesting things to say about marriage. I didn’t find anything specifically about the nature of a husband’s authority, but I did find these passages which sorta “go there”:

Casti speaks directly to the authority of the husband and headship:

1. Domestic society being confirmed, therefore, by this bond of love, there should flourish in it that “order of love,” as St. Augustine calls it. This order includes both the primacy of the husband with regard to the wife and children, the ready subjection of the wife and her willing obedience, which the Apostle commends in these words: “Let women be subject to their husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife, and Christ is the head of the Church.”[29]
2. This subjection, however, does not deny or take away the liberty which fully belongs to the woman both in view of her dignity as a human person, and in view of her most noble office as wife and mother and companion; nor does it bid her obey her husband’s every request if not in harmony with right reason or with the dignity due to wife; nor, in fine, does it imply that the wife should be put on a level with those persons who in law are called minors, to whom it is not customary to allow free exercise of their rights on account of their lack of mature judgment, or of their ignorance of human affairs. But it forbids that exaggerated liberty which cares not for the good of the family; it forbids that in this body which is the family, the heart be separated from the head to the great detriment of the whole body and the proximate danger of ruin. For if the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and as he occupies the chief place in ruling, so she may and ought to claim for herself the chief place in love.
3. Again, this subjection of wife to husband in its degree and manner may vary according to the different conditions of persons, place and time. In fact, if the husband neglect his duty, it falls to the wife to take his place in directing the family. But the structure of the family and its fundamental law, established and confirmed by God, must always and everywhere be maintained intact .
4. With great wisdom Our predecessor Leo XIII, of happy memory, in the Encyclical on Christian marriage which We have already mentioned, speaking of this order to be maintained between man and wife, teaches: “The man is the ruler of the family, and the head of the woman; but because she is flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone, let her be subject and obedient to the man, not as a servant but as a companion, so that nothing be lacking of honor or of dignity in the obedience which she pays. Let divine charity be the constant guide of their mutual relations, both in him who rules and in her who obeys, since each bears the image, the one of Christ, the other of the Church.”[30]
5. These, then, are the elements which compose the blessing of conjugal faith: unity, chastity, charity, honorable noble obedience, which are at the same time an enumeration of the benefits which are bestowed on husband and wife in their married state, benefits by which the peace, the dignity and the happiness of matrimony are securely preserved and fostered. Wherefore it is not surprising that this conjugal faith has always been counted amongst the most priceless and special blessings of matrimony.
6. But this accumulation of benefits is completed and, as it were, crowned by that blessing of Christian marriage which in the words of St. Augustine we have called the sacrament, by which is denoted both the indissolubility of the bond and the raising and hallowing of the contract by Christ Himself, whereby He made it an efficacious sign of grace.

Is this not what you were looking for?

 

[EasterJoy]

After 20 years of marriage, this is my personal opinion:

Let us start from two propositions:

1. the ideal of a husband and wife are Christ and His Church
2. the closer a husband and wife are to that ideal, the less this ever comes up, for it is the Will of the Father and the power of the Holy Spirit that run things. In other words, the authority of the husband is not even remotely an excuse for him to become a tyrant. When he starts pulling a King David, it is totally the place of the wife to take the role of the Prophet Nathan. The prophet wasn’t king before, during, or after the crisis, but he was the moral authority in the room. He didn’t keep his mouth shut on the topic of Bathsheba, and he would have failed God if he had. God’s law must always take precedence over personal desires.
3. The only time this ever comes up excepting a power struggle or an abuse of power issue (alluded to in 2) is when the husband and wife really are confused about how much of the decision-making ought to fall on the husband’s plate. IMHO, this doesn’t mean a man has to make decisions that his wife is actually better-qualified to make.

A husband and wife have not two lives, but one. Therefore, the decision-making, like everything else, is a one-life effort. The two can decide how to divide that work. It is OK for the two to decide together that the wife is better equipped to make some decisions. Conversely, neither the husband nor the wife may totally abdicate their responsibility to see that the family is on a sound moral footing. Both are responsible to speak up if they see a drift from the laws of God.

There gets to be a day, though, when there is a disagreement in which the two parties simply cannot be of one mind. One way is for one party to decide the other has a better view of the situation, and gives in on that account. But let us say that even that doesn’t work.

In some cases, each can do it his or her own way, and the other backs him or her. This can happen with childrearing: Dad has his rules, Mom has her rules, and each expects the kids to follow the rule of the parent who is actively doing the parenting. Dad allows ice cream on such-and-such occasion, Mom doesn’t, and if the kids whine to Dad about Mom, Dad lets them know he’ll withdraw ice cream on his watch, too, if they don’t learn to live with the times Mom has the helm. For her part, Mom does not criticize Dad’s choice of when to dole out the ice cream, but sticks to her right to decide when to dole it out when it is her choice. In other words, it would be wrong for a father to use his authority as a tool to undermine the motherly authority of his wife. He has a duty to back her as much as he can, even when they disagree, and vice versa. There are times when “agreeing to disagree” are the way to a peaceful home, and no harm done.

But some days, there isn’t any agreement, there isn’t any compromise. Everyone has done their best to come to an agreement, but no dice. On a day like that, someone needs to have the deciding vote.
IMHO, the vote goes to the husband. There have been a few times in our marriage when this has happened, and in a few of those times, my husband later regretted not doing it my way. My take on it: We made our decision. We’ll live with it. No second-guessing. I think this is what it means to have one life.

I will say this, though: I married a man whose opinions I respected, because I knew there would be a day when he would get the vote. Take my advice: if you’re going to give someone a deciding vote in your life, you have to give it to a fellow human being…don’t give it to someone you think is an idiot.

OTOH, you could do it my uncle’s way. He was very traditional. He used to have a saying: “In our marriage, she makes the minor decisions, and I make the decisions on all the major things. But we’ve been lucky. So far, nothing major has come up.”

 

[ac_claire]

1ke, yes thank you! I skimmed through the document and went right past what you posted. All I could find was #72 and beyond.

So Easter Joy and Jea both describe a husband’s as like having the deciding vote, or the final veto power. I’m wondering also about spiritual authority, if there is any. By that I mean, like say a wife needs prayers for some issue. Are her husband’s prayers for her going to be more powerful than someone praying for her who is not her husband?

Not just by nature of being married and being “one”, because in that case you can say that the same is true for the wife’s prayers for the husband. I just mean, is there any specific “power” (for lack of a better word?) to a husband’s prayers because of the whole headship issue?

I’m asking about church teaching on this, if there is any, but also any personal experiences yall might have had.

 

[Jea9]

1ke, yes thank you! I skimmed through the document and went right past what you posted. All I could find was #72 and beyond.

So Easter Joy and Jea both describe a husband’s as like having the deciding vote, or the final veto power. I’m wondering also about spiritual authority, if there is any. By that I mean, like say a wife needs prayers for some issue. Are her husband’s prayers for her going to be more powerful than someone praying for her who is not her husband?

Not just by nature of being married and being “one”, because in that case you can say that the same is true for the wife’s prayers for the husband. I just mean, is there any specific “power” (for lack of a better word?) to a husband’s prayers because of the whole headship issue?

I’m asking about church teaching on this, if there is any, but also any personal experiences yall might have had.

Depends on how holy your husband is! I’m kidding of course. But, really, if we had a Pope (which we all know we have) that was less than good…do you think his prayers were any more powerful than anyone else’s at the time? I don’t. I think that it depends on the person, how holy they are, and where they are in their own spiritual lives. For me, I think my husband’s prayers have an awful lot of power. But, I think that he is the most holy person I have ever met in real life. And I mean that. He is totally my spiritual rock and he is not afraid to tell me when I’m doing something wrong, or when I need to make changes. He is sweet, caring, and loving, but above all else, God is the most important being in his life as He should be.

So, I can’t give you church teaching, but I really think it depends on where the person is spiritually to how much “power” there is in that person’s prayers. There is a reason that we pray to saints for their intercession, and especially the Blessed Mother, we want those that are closest to God to be interceding for us.

 

[EasterJoy]

1ke, yes thank you! I skimmed through the document and went right past what you posted. All I could find was #72 and beyond.

So Easter Joy and Jea both describe a husband’s as like having the deciding vote, or the final veto power. I’m wondering also about spiritual authority, if there is any. By that I mean, like say a wife needs prayers for some issue. Are her husband’s prayers for her going to be more powerful than someone praying for her who is not her husband?

Not just by nature of being married and being “one”, because in that case you can say that the same is true for the wife’s prayers for the husband. I just mean, is there any specific “power” (for lack of a better word?) to a husband’s prayers because of the whole headship issue?

I’m asking about church teaching on this, if there is any, but also any personal experiences yall might have had.

This was the Gospel reading for our wedding:
They came to Capernaum and, once inside the house, he began to ask them, “What were you arguing about on the way?” But they remained silent. They had been discussing among themselves on the way who was the greatest. Then he sat down, called the Twelve, and said to them, “If anyone wishes to be first, he shall be the last of all and the servant of all.” Taking a child he placed it in their midst, and putting his arms around it he said to them, "Whoever receives one child such as this in my name, receives me; and whoever receives me, receives not me but the one who sent me." Mark 9:33-37

Priests, deacons and husbands have particular spiritual authority, but anyone who takes on authority in the context of Matrimony or Holy Orders must do so within the mind of Christ: *As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. *Eph 5:24-30

If a pastor prays for his parish and his parishioners pray for him, there is an effect beyond the idea of “obtaining something” for another. There is a bond that comes from the combination of actively caring for someone’s needs and from bringing those needs to God for fulfillment. So yes, there is a power to a husband’s or a wife’s prayers that is unique. The act of praying for each other nourishes that unique bond of a shared life. So also the act of asking a spouse for prayer has a particular and beneficial effect on the marriage.

Another parallel, too, is the parallel between a priest offering Mass with his parishioners and a family praying together. “Where two or three of you are gathered…”, you know. When it is a gathering of those who particularly share each others life’s work on a day-to-day basis, then that is a particularly powerful gathering. It makes that work into a single offering to God, instead of a lot of little individual offerings. When a husband and wife pray together, that is uniquely powerful.