The Fortescue book is great at pulling certain quotes from here or there and assembling them into a good argument for the papacy. But that’s still no substitute for reading the works of the early Church themselves in their entirety and getting a sense of what the Church overall believed about the papacy and any other topic. I’ve still got three volumes to go in the works of the Post-Nicene Fathers, plus whatever additional material I might peruse on a separate web page I’ve found. Once I’m done with that, I might make a call on whether I think the papacy is justified in all its claims. But, to tell the truth, by then it might not matter much to me at all. I’m presently having just as difficult a time being Orthodox as I would have being much of anything Christian, mostly due to my having read up on the creation/evolution debate to the extent that I’m pretty well convinced that Genesis 1-11 is likely not the way things happened, and that’s something that seriously bothers me. As an atheist argued to me recently, “If you’re concerned about truth, you’re not going to teach Genesis as if it were truth,” yet I can’t imagine being Christian and teaching Genesis as anything but. I recall the priest of the Orthodox church I was attending, in response to my questions about creation and evolution, nevertheless affirming that the Bible is “perfect truth”. I doubt there’s a Catholic priest worth his salt who would disagree, either. But I find that I myself disagree, and that doesn’t leave me much of anywhere to go. And, yes, I know that the Catholic Church says there’s no contradiction between evolution and Scripture, but I’m more than a little weary of such equivocation. As Fr. Fortescue said, “Whatever the Church teaches is true,” even if it doesn’t happen to be what it taught or believed yesterday – honestly, that’s come to be something about Catholicism that almost gave me a glimmer of hope. But, all it really amounts to, if something’s true only because so-and-so says so, is that nothing’s true, and I’ve gotten to the point that I’d rather settle for the latter than contort my mind and dispense with my integrity altogether just to accept the former. Honestly, I’m starting to wonder just how much I ever believed in any of this. I always did feel that I believed more in the logic of Christianity than the reality of it. Ironically, it was in studying the history of Christianity through the writings of the early Church that caused me to shed all the logic I’d put together concerning it, and with that logic went any real reason I had to claim the reality. It’s all so empty to me now. I’m just about ready to start looking elsewhere for truth, now that I no longer have any confidence in what I’d called “truth” before. I think you could subtitle me just like the upcoming X-Files movie: “I Want to Believe”. But wanting isn’t having. There’s been something wrong from the start, and I just haven’t wanted to look and see what was bothering me all along. Now I’ve looked, I’ve seen, and I’ve concluded, “Yep, that’s a problem, all right.” Now what?