Author's thoughts dealing with comments on "Large Family" size

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StephanieC

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Elsewhere on this forum are several threads discussing the experience of having a large family and receiving, deflecting, or otherwise dealing with unwelcome comments.

Danielle Bean is a Catholic author and mother of 7, and I just had to share this post from her website. It’s more of a discussion of the experience, and a helpful reminder to be “Lights of the World” in today’s culture. Here’s a sample:
When people react to my life with shock and I feel embarrassed, I sometimes find it helpful to recall a time when I was shocked by someone else’s life. Before you had many children, weren’t you ever amazed upon hearing about someone else who had a dozen or so? Didn’t you ever feel absolutely astounded by someone else’s life circumstances or accomplishments? How on earth do people ever manage to climb Mount Everest, for instance? Or cut off their own arms when they’re pinned beneath a rock in an abandoned cave? And how on earth did those pioneer women ever manage to have a gang of children, grow their own food, and make their own clothes with no running water or electricity?
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daniellebean.com/#696 for the rest. Enjoy & God bless.
 
Very true 👍 I have 2 children, and I must admit, I often react :eek: if I see anyone with more than 3 or 4…Not because I think it’s terrible, or because I’m not open to life…but because it’s so ‘different’ from my own life!

Anna x
 
I often remind people that my kids each are so wonderful, I am encouraged to have one more each time.

Its brand loyalty. It worked out well last time. . .so here we go again!

If someone suggests a person has too many kids, at least they are not suggesting which one to get rid of. . . :rolleyes:
 
This is a good way to look at it.

When people are surprised, I think we play a mind game with ourselves…

surprise → act weird → they think I’m not normal → they think I’m weird → they think there is something wrong with me.

Often, as the author says, they are simply adjusting to being in the real-life presence of someone different than themselves along these lines.

The next time someone says, “you have SIX children?” I’ll just beam and say, “yes, we do.” To the next question, “are they all yours,” as they look back and forth between Julie and me, or if it’s just me, “are they all with one wife,” I just beam and say, “yes, sir/ma’am, they were all wonderful gifts directly for us.”

I used to think it was fun (OK so maybe it still is) to give smartmouth remarks, but this is calling us to a higher plane; we can empathize with the astonishment of the person without reading whether there is negative judgment. There may be just a bit of negative judgment, but if we react pleasantly and non-defensively it may speak more to that judgment than any smart or combative retort.

Alan
 
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AlanFromWichita:
The next time someone says, “you have SIX children?” I’ll just beam and say, “yes, we do.” To the next question, “are they all yours,” as they look back and forth between Julie and me, or if it’s just me, “are they all with one wife,” I just beam and say, “yes, sir/ma’am, they were all wonderful gifts directly for us.”

I used to think it was fun (OK so maybe it still is) to give smartmouth remarks, but this is calling us to a higher plane; we can empathize with the astonishment of the person without reading whether there is negative judgment. There may be just a bit of negative judgment, but if we react pleasantly and non-defensively it may speak more to that judgment than any smart or combative retort.

Alan
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This is a good attitude Alan. Just remember there are moms out here like me who would give anything in the world to have more kids, but God just hasn’t seen fit to bless us in that way. It would be music to my ears to have someone make an insensitive remark about my having a ton of kids!!!
 
I hate to get comment on our family size. However, I’ve noticed when I say something like, “we try to be prayerful about having more children.” I get a really positive response.

When someone says, “boy, you have your hands full,” I cringe it seems so patronizing. I’ve said, “full of love…” I don’t really like that response. Does anyone have a better response? I want to say something that acknowledges it is hard work but well worth it.
 
JMJ Theresa:
When someone says, “boy, you have your hands full,” I cringe it seems so patronizing. I’ve said, “full of love…” I don’t really like that response. Does anyone have a better response? I want to say something that acknowledges it is hard work but well worth it.
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"Why yes I do have my hands full of life these days. Never a boring moment either!"
**I don’t know… **
Sometimes I don’t mind the comments, it’s obvious they’re just surprised or whatever.
Sometimes, I just don’t have time to deal with them. Hello! 7 under 12 at Walmart requires all my hand-eye coordination! sigh I really don’t have time to be chatty about it. Don’t mean to be rude, just got to hurry along.
**Sometimes it’s a refreashing change to hear a funny bit of odd niceness. Last night as we were leaving a mexican resturant, I had 3 seperate ladies approach me to say how wonderfull my dc were and how they just couldn’t believe 7 children could be such pleasures for a nice dinner. Now, these was all very nice to hear. (Especially as I didn’t think the kids were on their best behavior - mama has a tendency to be a bit hard on them at times I think. High expectations and all that.) But the last lady was just too funny. This old lady with her walker in front of her taps my on the shoulder as dh and kids are filing out in front of me. She says it was more of pleasure to watch my kids at the table than her own grown children at her table! :rotfl: **
Sometimes, it’s obvious they ARE just being pains in the fanny and think they are being oh so smart because I must be stupid/ignorant. Most of the time, I just ignore these people. But sometimes it’s better to have a funny/honest comeback to greet these people rather than the righteous anger they may sometimes incite.
 
Let me start by saying that I have an only child. But I have lots of friends that have lots of children.

In December I was back home to see my Mom. She was in ICU for a week and we needed to be up North. Near the end of our trip, my family of three, went out to dinner. Mom was doing much better and the family needed a break.

At the restaurant, we saw a family with two children. An older child and a baby. The baby was very friendly and my hubby, son and I were making goo goo eyes at the baby. We make the normal comments about the cute baby, and the father pipes in with, “we have six more at home.” We do not react with shock. It really wasn’t a big deal for us. We have friends that have six, seven and yes, eight children. So this family is not off the chart.

Our lack of reaction threw them for a loop, since they were so used to shocking people. I think it was nice for them to not have to explain why they have eight children. And I am glad God has blessed them with so much love.
 
JMJ Theresa:
I hate to get comment on our family size. However, I’ve noticed when I say something like, “we try to be prayerful about having more children.” I get a really positive response.

When someone says, “boy, you have your hands full,” I cringe it seems so patronizing. I’ve said, “full of love…” I don’t really like that response. Does anyone have a better response? I want to say something that acknowledges it is hard work but well worth it.
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I am from a family of 7 and we are all in our 50’s now. It has been a blessing my whole life to be in a large family. My mother did work very hard while we were growing up and she prayed all the time. We were not always easy to raise, but I will tell you she taught us well. We all continue to enjoy each others company and help each other out.

As far as a response, my mother often said “I have great kids!” I never knew at the time that she was combatting any prejudice against large families.

Without even knowing it you are giving many a good example of prolife. I have 4 children and I would not trade this experience for any easier life. Children are truly the blessings of our life.

By the way, I lived right behind one family that raised 15 children. That mom was really a wonderful person and I admired her very much. I was just starting out and had my second child while I lived near her. I remember being in awe. I would tell myself that if she can raise 15 children, then I surely will survive this!
 
Another thing I do is tell the kids frequently and convincingly what their strengths are.

They are all excellent by definition, and if there is a problem it is to be fixed, not to become a defining quality. I tell them they are all winners, and if they lose it’s just a training ground toward winning.

Not only do I tell them that, I believe it and I have no problem speaking about how wonderful kids “in general” are. My believe is that every child starts out as a potential saint and if they aren’t still a saint by the time they are in grade school, it is because I let them become messed up.

When the children mess up, I do not treat them harshly, as I presuppose that they do not want to be fools, and this presupposition carries itself into our discussions making them more honest. The only harsh treatment comes from when I am surprised with something I’m not ready to handle, (unfortunately I still have those moments) though they know I get over it quickly and then work the problem, or when they actually give me an act of willful defiance. With six children, the last time one really stood up to me was several years ago when Chris was a teenager; it turns out there was a great deal I needed to learn both about him and how to deal with him.

I mention all this because it has become so fashionable for busy parents to comisserate on the difficulties of raising children that I sometimes wonder what messages the kids hear. That is not even to mention our constantly reinforcing ourselves with, “gotta take this kid here, gotta do that for this kid, uggghh” throughout the entire time we are together! I say “our” because I used to indulge in the same sort of stuff until I realized both how destructive and ubiquitous this attitude was.

I loved the story about compliments in a restaurant. To me, that is a very good sign that their behavior is under control because people just don’t walk up and make those comments in a restaurant to make you feel good. They might say, “what a precious baby,” but they won’t tell you they’re well-behaved when they’re not.

Alan

Edit>> oh, btw, when I say, “I let them get messed up” some might say, “well, society plays a big role blah blah blah.” To that I appreciate their disclaimer, but do not wish to use it because if there is something wrong, I WANT IT TO BE MY FAULT. The reason is simple: if something is my fault, then usually that means there is something I can do to help fix it – or at least remove the root cause. If I blame it on the children, then I am expecting them to become their own teachers – having judged and sentenced them and sent them away from full communion with me. This does not mean the children can do no wrong, but it does mean that I have established communications to where I CAN say, “that was a really stupid thing to do,” directly to them and they take it as expert critique rather than a personal assault or even get defensive or depressed. Part of being excellent is knowing how to hear both direct and subtle (including evasive) feedback and using it.
 
Great discussion so far! 🙂

The reason I posted this as a separate thread is because I think the author does a great job of coming at the topic from another angle.

Her take is not so much about “how to effectively respond when people comment on my family size” as it is, “This is my vocation, and I am living it to please my God.”

I am happily busy with my first baby, but we hope that God sees fit to ask us to raise as many as He decides. Every large family I encounter, whether face to face or on the web, teaches me a little something new that I hope I get to try some day!

In the meantime, I know the passage from Matthew 5 has always been a good reminder for me that whether I was single or married, childless or not, I never know when others may be watching and therefore, as a Catholic Christian, I must shine!
A city set on a hill is not going to go unnoticed and the light of the world is going to attract some attention. Perhaps you can offer up your discomfort for the conversion of your family or for the consolation of those who have just “one or two kids” but secretly long for a life like yours. As uncomfortable as it sometimes makes us and however much we sometimes long for it to be otherwise, this is God’s plan for us. This is our faith. This is our calling. And ultimately, deep down inside, we know that we are privileged, that we are richer, and that we are abundantly blessed for it.
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Myself, with four kids I have never had anyone make any comment to me, I have actually had more comments made towards (so when you gonna have more) that is so hard since I can’t have more kids, I have to about choke back the tears.

I actually have found myself feeling inferior to the families at church who have 5, 6, 7 or more kids, and I wish to God that was me and know that unless we are able to adopt that never will be me.
I wish I was the one getting the comments on you have how many? I ache to have many more and I am always praying that through foster care and adoption we will be able to grow our family.

I just don’t what type of people would ever make a comment about a families size, small or large, it makes you wonder, if someone makes a comment either way I say (none of your business) because it is between God, hubby and myself and if we can adopt that will be from God and the person who asks me are you having more or do you have that many? How can they even ask? I would never ever ask someone such personal questions, never, I was brought up to mind my own business and keep my mouth quiet, I might look at a large family and in my mind I am thinking (oh, they are so darn blessed and feel such happiness for them) but I would never just come up to someone and say “are they all yours” ewww, it is like a stranger coming up and patting your pregnant belly, I think that is plain awful. I think if someone makes a comment on a persons family size I would say "that is our business and or “mind your own business” I don’t have to explain my life to anyone but God. 🙂
 
I make no pretenses with my children. I let them know that I have entirely selfish reasons for expecting their good behavior in restaurants; so that I can get compliments.

I tell them it all comes back to me, me, me. I’m the ostensible leader of this family so I want good things to be reflected toward us and consider it my responsibility to see that it does. I know they are excellent kids and I don’t need their good behavior to see that, but other people do so when they see our family they can see love.

Alan
 
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kamz:
Myself, with four kids I have never had anyone make any comment to me, I have actually had more comments made towards (so when you gonna have more) that is so hard since I can’t have more kids, I have to about choke back the tears.
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Kamz, that’s got to be hard. It’s so interesting that one # of kids will get a totallly different reaction, depending on the community or culture or part of the country. My girlfriend in New England (where the author is from, coincidentally) also has 4 kids and she says she feels like a freak with a big family! Funny…(funny/weird, not funny/ha-ha…)
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kamz:
I actually have found myself feeling inferior to the families at church who have 5, 6, 7 or more kids, and I wish to God that was me and know that unless we are able to adopt that never will be me.
I wish I was the one getting the comments on you have how many? I ache to have many more and I am always praying that through foster care and adoption we will be able to grow our family.
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In the part I quoted below, the author had made the suggestion to her reader "…Perhaps you can offer up your discomfort for the conversion of your family or for the consolation of those who have just “one or two kids” but secretly long for a life like yours. As uncomfortable as it sometimes makes us and however much we sometimes long for it to be otherwise, this is God’s plan for us…"
I don’t know if you’ve ever thought of it this way–of offering up that ache for the consolation of those who might not be able to have children, or perhaps for those who have lost a child? (Just a thought that came to me while reading your post; I know you didn’t ask for suggestions, but just to bring out that point from the author’s comments…) In that way, we can truly practice “bearing one another’s burdens…”
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kamz:
I just don’t what type of people would ever make a comment about a families size, small or large, it makes you wonder, if someone makes a comment either way I say (none of your business) because it is between God, hubby and myself and if we can adopt that will be from God and the person who asks me are you having more or do you have that many? How can they even ask? I would never ever ask someone such personal questions, never, I was brought up to mind my own business and keep my mouth quiet, I might look at a large family and in my mind I am thinking (oh, they are so darn blessed and feel such happiness for them) but I would never just come up to someone and say “are they all yours” ewww, it is like a stranger coming up and patting your pregnant belly, I think that is plain awful. I think if someone makes a comment on a persons family size I would say "that is our business and or “mind your own business” I don’t have to explain my life to anyone but God. 🙂
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I agree in so far as I was also raised with the motto, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all,” and some things are just off-limits, period. I don’t know if you visited the website for the full text, but the author was saying, “Look, no matter what, people take notice of things that are different from their experience.” And as Alan put it,
AlanFromWitchita:
surprise → act weird → they think I’m not normal → they think I’m weird → they think there is something wrong with me.

Often, as the author says, they are simply adjusting to being in the real-life presence of someone different than themselves along these lines.
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AlanFromWichita:
I know they are excellent kids and I don’t need their good behavior to see that, but other people do so when they see our family they can see love.

Alan
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Exactly. And, whether we’re talking about someone reacting to seeing that love in a family of 6, or in a family of all boys, or in a family with special-needs children, or___(fill in the blank), it’ll be a brand new experience for someone, somewhere to witness.
 
I was just telling my mom about this thread and my mom is from a family of 11, she was second oldest and she is 63 yrs old, she does not Ever remeber anyone ever saying anything about her family being so large, and she knows that her mom would have said something about it if a comment was ever made, she and her mom were very close and my mom being the first daughter and the oldest daughter had plenty of good heart to heart talks with her mom growing up and it was just the opposite growing up in the 40’s and 50’s, large families like hers were the NORM and small families were not, isn’t that different, how times have changed.
Now, my husband is the youngest of 11 and when I have shared that with people, they say “oh, must be Catholic” not in a snide way, just in a matter of fact way and I love to say… well, actually, his parents were Lutheran and he was raised Lutheran, that makes their mouths drop WIDE open, people don’t expect that at all, that is so fun for me to do that, I know thats terrible, but it makes me laugh inside each time 😃
 
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kamz:
Myself, with four kids I have never had anyone make any comment to me, I have actually had more comments made towards (so when you gonna have more) that is so hard since I can’t have more kids, I have to about choke back the tears.

I actually have found myself feeling inferior to the families at church who have 5, 6, 7 or more kids, and I wish to God that was me and know that unless we are able to adopt that never will be me.
I wish I was the one getting the comments on you have how many? I ache to have many more and I am always praying that through foster care and adoption we will be able to grow our family.

🙂
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I got teary eyed reading your post Kamz. I, too, feel this way (see my post above). Due to my close association with very traditional Catholics in my area, many of my friends have 5+ kids. Most are such good people, but some have told me how “lucky” I am that I don’t get pregnant every time my husband looks at me or that they just don’t “get” why people who can’t have children are so “upset” about it–they should just accept God’s plan, etc. That hurts!!! I have 3 children, all adopted. I feel so blessed to have them, and would give anything to have more, adopted or otherwise. However, it just seems God has closed that door for us. I also get the comments asking “when are you going to adopt more?”—usually from those friends who have 5+ kids!!!

How about we say prayers for one another, okay?
 
We have 8 children. I do not like the idea of making snippy comments to people about family size. It’s better to take the high road. Actually, the comments are 95% positive so I have no reason to be offended. It seems to give people joy to observe a large family together.

Once a year we visit family and fly. I always give the kids a talk about how people will be watching us to see how they behave. The kids really are well behaved (as long as we keep the 4 and 6 year olds seperated). It is funny when you can see that someone is counting!

Last year (we only had 7) one of the flight attendants asked us what kind of a group we were with. My husband replied that it was a “family” group. She assumed it was some sort of church group! We got a kick out of that.

Last summer we were camping. Another family from the other side of the street came over to chat. They said when we pulled up (in our 15 pass. van) they were watching the feet come out and they kept coming and coming! They came over to find out how may of us there were. It’s a great conversation starter.

When we were on our camping trip we went to mass in a small, old church in a little town. To our delight there were tons of young children/families and many large families. We felt perfectly normal.
 
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Giannawannabe:
Most are such good people, but some have told me how “lucky” I am that I don’t get pregnant every time my husband looks at me or that they just don’t “get” why people who can’t have children are so “upset” about it–they should just accept God’s plan, etc. That hurts!!!
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The people who call us “lucky” obviously have no idea that most of us would give just about anything for the blessings they take for granted. 😦

Sure, it’s God’s plan for us to be infertile, and at some point we need to accept it and move on with our lives. That doesn’t mean we have to like it. If we were happy about it, it wouldn’t be called our cross to bear. Even Jesus begged the Father to take away His burden.

Those of you with beautiful large families, count your blessings. And remember us when someone makes a snide comment. We get snide and thoughtless comments too, only we don’t have the reward of bearing children to take away the sting.
 
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SeekerJen:
Those of you with beautiful large families, count your blessings. And remember us when someone makes a snide comment. We get snide and thoughtless comments too, only we don’t have the reward of bearing children to take away the sting.
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Thank you, Jen. What a great reminder. I think the next time someone tells me that I have my hands full, I’ll say, “Yes, thank God.”
 
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