Author's thoughts dealing with comments on "Large Family" size

[kamz]

seekerjen, your so right, what an awesome idea.

I know sometimes I actually get so caught up in the idea that we can’t have more than four kids, ( I know that sounds dumb) that I forget how truely blessed I am just to have these four children.

My mom once had to say “snap out of it” when I was having myself a little pity party. She said… stop dwelling on what you don’t have and start being thankful to God for the four wonderful blessings you do have and quit going over and over and over it in your head, it is what it is and move on and ask God to give you the Grace to move on and quit thinking “if only and what if”

I know I am very guilty of feeling “less than Catholic” or “not Catholic enough” because we don’t have 6+ kids, I know that is so dumb, but those thoughts have actually gone through my brain, oh, I’m not Catholic enough like so and so family with 6+ kids and more on the way, oh, I’m not worthy of being Catholic, etc. etc. I know, that is so stupid and I really, really, really need to work on this area, gosh, I know, so dumb!!

 

[Giannawannabe]

SeekerJen:

The people who call us “lucky” obviously have no idea that most of us would give just about anything for the blessings they take for granted.

Sure, it’s God’s plan for us to be infertile, and at some point we need to accept it and move on with our lives. That doesn’t mean we have to like it. If we were happy about it, it wouldn’t be called our cross to bear. Even Jesus begged the Father to take away His burden.

Those of you with beautiful large families, count your blessings. And remember us when someone makes a snide comment. We get snide and thoughtless comments too, only we don’t have the reward of bearing children to take away the sting.

Oh Jen…this is such a beautiful post. Thank you.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

SeekerJen:

The people who call us “lucky” obviously have no idea that most of us would give just about anything for the blessings they take for granted.

Sure, it’s God’s plan for us to be infertile, and at some point we need to accept it and move on with our lives. That doesn’t mean we have to like it. If we were happy about it, it wouldn’t be called our cross to bear. Even Jesus begged the Father to take away His burden.

Those of you with beautiful large families, count your blessings. And remember us when someone makes a snide comment. We get snide and thoughtless comments too, only we don’t have the reward of bearing children to take away the sting.

Your faith is beautiful, and I fully accept your invitation to count my blessings. I am reminded many times every day of what wonderful blessings I have in our six children. I grew up with only one older brother (an older one died right after birth) so it’s a totally new experience, but I love it.

One of the blessings that I can share is how wonderful a marriage can be. With the children, it helps make it more obvious but with or without them, it could be just as good. A solid marriage to a great Catholic woman has provided me all the strength I need to deal with the things (didn’t seem like it at first to some because of circumstance, but we were 100% committed to each other). Just because it took the interaction with the children to teach me, doesn’t lessen the jewel that she is for me, and even though I’m sure I will miss the children leaving the nest, I have no fear that Julie and I will be bored or sad together. Of course, some would say that maybe we’ll be too old to enjoy our time in the same way as if we had not raised kids, but our life is good and we wouldn’t have it any other way – we enjoyed our time as we went, even though we would like a feeling of greater control over it.

Alan

 

[Maree]

JMJ Theresa:

I hate to get comment on our family size. However, I’ve noticed when I say something like, “we try to be prayerful about having more children.” I get a really positive response.

When someone says, “boy, you have your hands full,” I cringe it seems so patronizing. I’ve said, “full of love…” I don’t really like that response. Does anyone have a better response? I want to say something that acknowledges it is hard work but well worth it.

When anyone says to me “boy you have your hands full” I smile and reply “it sure beats having them empty”. I havent had a person yet who hasn’t acknowledged how true that is!!

 

[Giannawannabe]

Maree:

When anyone says to me “boy you have your hands full” I smile and reply “it sure beats having them empty”. I havent had a person yet who hasn’t acknowledged how true that is!!

What a wonderful response, Maree!!! Even though I only have 3 kids, I get the “hands full” comment. I plan on using your response next time.

 

[8isgr8]

Thanks to all for a wonderful thread on large families. My husband and I have 9 and I have sometimes wondered if the negative comments are just going over my head, because I feel we get 99% positive comments about how lucky and blessed we are. I confess I take great pride in my family and if someone says “Are they all yours” (when I’m out with only 4 or 5), I rarely pass up the chance to say-- and it always comes out with a big smile, whether I’m trying to or not-- “No, they’re not all of mine-- there are X more at home!” Maybe I’m naive, but I rarely feel anyone is condescending or negative.

In the rare case that they are-- for instance the female ob who delivered our twins, #7 and 8, and at my post partum visit said, “You know, you don’t have to go get pregnant again right away”-- I take it as a reflection on them, not me, and take appropriate action. I simply would have found another ob for #9 had we still lived there.

Yes, I know there are those who think only an uneducated backwater fool has this many children, but I guess I know I’m not any of those things, so it doesn’t bother me on a personal level.

I just found this site this morning and look forward to spending more time here, and getting back to learning my faith.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

8isgr8:

Yes, I know there are those who think only an uneducated backwater fool has this many children, but I guess I know I’m not any of those things, so it doesn’t bother me on a personal level.

I just found this site this morning and look forward to spending more time here, and getting back to learning my faith.

Yes, the assumption still seems to be, “don’t you know what causes that?” The question was popular a few years ago but its spirit lives on!

Welcome, and thank you for an excellent post to start your time with us! Your writing is very clear and easy for me to understand.

Alan

 

[momtofivekids]

We have 3 bio kids and 2 adopted kids. There is a 10 year gap between # 3 and # 4.
Our oldest is almost 18 years old so when were out people often think she is their mom (even though they are of a differnt race.) When she tells them, no it’s my sister or brother it confuses them even more.
One question I get asked often is do your older kids like the younger kids?They are so suprised when I tell them that it was the older kids who ASKED US to adopt.
The most difficult part is the lack of support and joy that our family
feels towards our decision.
We are in the process of adopting again and I dread telling our families. It’s really sad but my husbands reminds me it’s their loss. All we can do is live our life as an example of the joy a large family brings.
I would encourage anyone who would love a larger family to adopt.
It is such a wonderful experience.

 

[luvmykids]

JMJ Theresa:

Thank you, Jen. What a great reminder. I think the next time someone tells me that I have my hands full, I’ll say, “Yes, thank God.”

That is a perfect response. I’ll definitely be using that one. It’s not a snippy remark yet it gets the point across, and oh how true it is. I get comments all the time with 5 children.

 

[BlestOne]

Jen
Thank you so much! That is truly an awesome response! The sad thing is that I get comments like that and I only have 4 kids. Usually when I am out with the kids they have friends with them and folks think they are mine too, I never tell them they aren’t mine because they are close friends of the family and I treat them like they are mine too. My usual response is to act totally confused about how many are really mine. The more kids you have the more opportunities to see the love of God working through them. I am very blest that I get to see the love the kids share constantly. Sure we have our moments of mayhem, but mostly we have moments of love, expressed so eloquently and beautifully through the actions they share with each other. Really, how often does a single child get to feel like they are special to a whole group of people as opposed to a kid that is one of many? Is my family just weird or does everyone with a bunch of kids see it this way?

I was at a volleyball conference this past weekend for Catholic and Lutheran schools and while half of the folks there had large families the other half didn’t. I was totally amused when my boys showed up to cheer their sister on and brought her flowers. Some of the parents questioned why I let my 14 yo “date” an older boy (ds’s are 16 and 18) and I had to explain that it was her brothers not a boyfriend. The looks I got!!! They just couldn’t grasp that an older brother would drive so far (90 miles) just to support their sister and make her feel special with flowers. I thought it was totally sweet that my boys love their sister so much. All the kids on my daughters team know the boys and thought it was awesome that they came to the conference and they were like big brothers to all the girls on the team. This is the advantage of having siblings, moments like these when the love really shines like a beacon in the night! When they first arrived, dd sees them and runs for the oldest screaming “Pillow” (her pet name for her brother), and jumps on top of him. He hands her the flowers and her other brother greets her with a “fat” joke (she is very slender) Meanwhile, all the girls asked the boys if they were staying the night at the hotel so they all could hit the hotel pool when we got to the room and the parents look on the scene with admiration. It made me really appreciate all the time I spent teaching my kids how to treat each other. For the past 10 years I have been a single mom to these 3 kids and recently remarried a man with 1 daughter. Even when she is with the kids, they treat her just like she is one of them. They tease her, help her learn new things, include her in their plans to mess with me or her father… God knows how truly blest I am. We are all that blest, we just don’t always see it…