avoiding guys

[mediatrixx]

Hi. I hope I’m putting this in the correct place. None of the other forums seemed to fit my problem very well. This is going to be very long. I’m sorry!

Like most of you, I don’t believe in sex before marriage or conventional dating. That said, courtship/marriage is not even something I’m sure I’m called to.

But the problem is, boys won’t leave me alone. It’s not that many–only a few every once in awhile try to approach me. (One was a bad experience…he turned out to be a juvenile delinquent type who stalked me and I had to talk to administrators to be put out of classes with him.) So past experience has told me a bit about how to read guys’ signals and figure out if they are interested.

Two right now are acting this way. Not to mention one of them is on the creepy side too–stands too close, stares too much. I feel a little threatened, though they have done nothing worth complaining about.

There are other instances of boys trying to talk to me and be friendly. I realize this is normal and I don’t fault them for it; I simply don’t encourage it and they eventually leave alone. But even this behavior bothers me.

All this saddens me. I don’t want to cause others to lust, but mostly I hate being objectified like a piece of you-know-what.

So here’s my question: How do you make sure you don’t attract any attention from the opposite sex AT ALL?

I thought I was doing everything right:

• I do not talk to boys unless it is about something class-related.
• I avoid interacting with people other than close friends or teachers.
• I keep a straight face on campus. I don’t appear to be a funny or approachable person. I’ve heard I look stuck-up and this doesn’t surprise me at all.
• I dress on the modest side. I wear long-sleeved shirts, long pants, and glasses to cover up my face.

Does anyone know what else I might do to stop causing my brothers to stumble? Maybe someone here could give me some insight on how to deal with this problem?

 

[Nechasin]

So here’s my question: How do you make sure you don’t attract any attention from the opposite sex AT ALL?

Lock yourself in your room and never leave.
Seriously, just the fact that you are female will attract guys. If a guy shows interest, let him know that you are not interested in anything but friendship at this stage in your life.

 

[ack]

Can you explain what you mean here? Just because guys TALK to you doesn’t mean that they’re lusting after you, or objectifying you, nor does it mean that you’re causing them to stumble.

If you don’t dress immodestly, you don’t need to worry about causing your brothers to stumble…mere attraction is not a sin.

All this saddens me. I don’t want to cause others to lust, but mostly I hate being objectified like a piece of you-know-what.

…

Does anyone know what else I might do to stop causing my brothers to stumble?

 

[All_Saints]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I have to praise you for your chaste behaviour, it’s an admirable trait that’s getting harder to find. But it’s your avoidance attitude, it’s pretty clear it’s not working. Maybe you should try and make them see the errors of their lustful actions and see this as an opportunity to be a witness for Christ. Try taking an evangelistc approach and expressing your love for God in a more outwardly manner. Obviously if there behaving in this manner they’re not Christian by any definition, so will see your faith as an obstacle. How big that obstacle is is up to you. Be strong and express your faith to the people around you, make a point of your choice to abstain from sexual behaviour. I hope i’ve helped, Good luck.

Blessed are the clean of heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:3 Vs 8.

 

[mediatrixx]

Can you explain what you mean here? Just because guys TALK to you doesn’t mean that they’re lusting after you, or objectifying you, nor does it mean that you’re causing them to stumble.

Those guys don’t bother me, as I said. It’s the one/ones who stare at me with an openly inappropriate look or stand so close to me they are almost touching.

 

[LISA_Annette]

First of all, I want to tell you that you sound like a sensible girl in that you don’t believe in sex befor marriage and that you dress modestly. That said, it is not realistic to think boys won’t be attracted to you. You just stand your ground and do what you want: if you don’t want to date, then don’t . When the creepy guy stands too close to you, then move away (if you don’t already). He is invading you space, and you have grounds for complaining to authorities for his weird behavior.

You are doing pretty much everything can do, and just keep doing it.

 

[mediatrixx]

Try taking an evangelistc approach and expressing your love for God in a more outwardly manner. Obviously if there behaving in this manner they’re not Christian by any definition, so will see your faith as an obstacle. How big that obstacle is is up to you. Be strong and express your faith to the people around you, make a point of your choice to abstain from sexual behaviour. I hope i’ve helped, Good luck.

I never thought of that. That could be a poweful tool indeed. Perhaps a comment about chastity would put them in their place or make them rethink their actions. I never thought to bring up my faith as a defense. Thank you for this suggestion!

 

[ack]

Those guys don’t bother me, as I said. It’s the one/ones who stare at me with an openly inappropriate look or stand so close to me they are almost touching.

That’s not what you said originally. You said:

There are other instances of boys trying to talk to me and be friendly. I realize this is normal and I don’t fault them for it; I simply don’t encourage it and they eventually leave alone. But even this behavior bothers me.

 

[mediatrixx]

Yes, it bothers me to a certain extent. But it doesn’t make me uncomfortable in the way other guys do. I don’t think that talking to someone = lust, but I don’t think it’s wise. Forget it. I just wanted help with this.

 

[dove51]

Yes, it bothers me to a certain extent. But it doesn’t make me uncomfortable in the way other guys do. I don’t think that talking to someone = lust, but I don’t think it’s wise. Forget it. I just wanted help with this.

I get what you mean. Talking to someone of the opposite sex is not inherently sinful as you said, but it’s smart to avoid oppurtunities for sin. If someone is just talking to you, end the conversation quickly. You’re probably doing this already though. If it starts get weird with those other guys, you should speak up to them because they are clearly lusting!

 

[puzzleannie]

So here’s my question: How do you make sure you don’t attract any attention from the opposite sex AT ALL?

I ?

first of all, discern why it is you want to attract no attention whatever from the opposite sex, appropriate or otherwise. that is not a natural state of affairs at your age, which I presume to be high school or adolescence. this is the time when you are learning to form friendships (not sexual relationships or sexually charged relationships), but real friendships, and that includes friendships with peers of both sexes. The personality cannot fully develop without this ability. An adult who never acquired this skill would be unable to form a relationship that did proceed to courtship and marriage, and stunted in the ability to grow in real intimacy within that relationship, without the prerequisite beginning in friendship. Such an adult would also be lacking in ability to make real informed commitment to celibate or consecrated religious life, or to undertake life in a religious community.

 

[deb1]

Yes, it bothers me to a certain extent. But it doesn’t make me uncomfortable in the way other guys do. I don’t think that talking to someone = lust, but I don’t think it’s wise. Forget it. I just wanted help with this.

PLease don’t get upset. You have to sort through a lot of post on this type of forum to find the advice that you are looking for.

As the mother of two boys I wonder if the guys aren’t relieved by your desire to be modest. I think there are many young males get tired of being bombarded by sexual images when they are attempting to lead a Christian life. Being able to talk to a young woman who isn’t concerned with attracting guys is probably a nice change for them.

 

[teme]

I may be reading too much into your original post, but here’s what it makes me think.

First, you dress modestly by covering up - awesome! To some men, and far more men than any man (other than me apparently) will admit, a modestly dressed woman can be more attractive than a swimsuit model anyday.

Second, I assume since so many men look, stare, try to speak with you, that you are a very attractive woman, inside and out. Remember that your face, body, personality and spirit are all gifts from God, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of them. Be a good steward of your gifts, but accept that you will be noticed. Everyone looks at others, regardless of their status as a supermodel or "Steve Urkel"ness. It’s not a sin to be noticed, but it is sinful for others to objectify you, or not respect you.

Third, it sounds like you are actively trying to not be noticed, and to not talk to men. To be honest, this could be part of the issue. For some men, they want to reach out to you to be a friend, and think they can help you feel comfortable with others (that’s good!). For others, they may want to be the one to “catch” the girl who won’t speak to anyone (not so good).

If people make you uncomfortable, tell them. If they do not leave you alone, report it to the school authorities. But, if everyone spent all day trying to not be looked at, and to not look at others, we’d have a mess of people running into each other and falling down, which could be more of an occassion of sin than noticing the beauty of God’s creation.

 

[mgmahoney2005]

All this saddens me. I don’t want to cause others to lust, but mostly I hate being objectified like a piece of you-know-what.

So here’s my question: How do you make sure you don’t attract any attention from the opposite sex AT ALL?

Wow, you are taking on a an impossible burden for the actions of boys. I don’t know what more you can do other than to isolate yourself completely - maybe enroll in an all girls school if that is possible.

As someone who is dealing with modesty issues at my school, I can completely understand your frustration with boys/men lusting after you and objectifying you.

If you can’t isolate yourself by going to an all girls school, I would suggest that you not take all the responsibilty for guys being attracted to you. You are doing more than what should be reasonably necessary to not attract attention. Other than what you’ve already done, I would try to ignore them and focus on school, etc.

 

[lauraella]

i think from your description, you would be concidered “mysterious” to alot of guys, and there fore they find you intresting (mabey sexually or maybe intulectually-who really knows) but guys do like to “hunt” so to say…and i think (from what you described) you would be a perfect target. It is not that you are doing anything wrong, its just i really dont think you can avoid the opposite sex unless you wear a sign saying " no boys allowed".
Its really weird how they work…isn’t in…LOL…
but overall…dont make a mountain out of a mole hill…just because a guy looks at you or talks to you, could just mean he relates better with women and would like a friend…believe me, personally i found my guy friends the best friends to have!

good luck!

 

[pumpkinbeast]

Those guys don’t bother me, as I said. It’s the one/ones who stare at me with an openly inappropriate look or stand so close to me they are almost touching.

If a guy is standing too close to you, shove them away. Let them know you are NOT comfortable with them in your personal space.

As for staring at you, what do you mean, exactly? Are they looking at your face? Or are they looking somewhere else? Please don’t assume that if a guy is looking at you that he’s lusting. He might find you a neat person he just wants to be friends with. Some might have cruder things in mind, but I doubt every single one of the them wants to objectify you. I have lots of guy friends, and they look at me when we’re having a conversation. That’s normal. And having guy friends might help keep the real sleaze-balls away from you. When ever I think a guy is looking at me inappropriately, I stare straight back at him, with a ‘that-is-NOT-acceptable’ look on my face. I’ve never had any one of them try to talk to me or anything later.

If you are dressing modestly, you are doing NOTHING to cause guys to stumble. And I highly doubt you flirt with them. If they are objectifying you, it is ENTIRELY their fault. Pray for them, they know not what they do(hopefully). It is NEVER your fault if a guy is lusting after you, even if you dancing in front of him stark naked (you’d be culpable for causing temptation, but that’s slightly different). I suggest you get a hold of some Theology of the Body stuff, especially Christopher West’s talk Woman: God’s Masterpiece.

 

[Rachele_Ann]

My advise to you is to draw close to the Lord, He will protect your honor. The catch is this approach may work a little too well, as least in my experience ! I know it can be deeply unsettling to feel like you are being lusted after or that a man is trying to get close to you in a way that is not appropriate. I would take the high road and ignore it, because let’s face it flirty or forward behavior *always * gets some sort of a response, its what the men are expecting. Better yet, say a prayer for them while you are ignoring their bad behavior.

I know you may have been hoping for a more practical solution like “eat three cloves of garlic before class” but prayer does work. God wants you to be chaste and kept holy the way that He made you, trust in Him and He will protect you.

And yay for you being a young woman cultivating feminine virtue. The effects of your efforts and your struggles are going to have such a beautiful impact on the world… especially those men you are trying to avoid.**

 

[chevalier]

Hi. I hope I’m putting this in the correct place. None of the other forums seemed to fit my problem very well. This is going to be very long. I’m sorry!

Ha! Score half my average post length and then we’ll talk!

Like most of you, I don’t believe in sex before marriage or conventional dating. That said, courtship/marriage is not even something I’m sure I’m called to.

Yeah, it happens. Some people aren’t. Some types of people can’t have a marriage like most, some can’t at all. Maybe you’re in the middle type or in the latter.

But the problem is, boys won’t leave me alone. It’s not that many–only a few every once in awhile try to approach me.

Oh, I’m sure it doesn’t qualify as, “won’t leave you alone,” then. Perhaps you’re giving too much weight to their approaching you.

(One was a bad experience…he turned out to be a juvenile delinquent type who stalked me and I had to talk to administrators to be put out of classes with him.)

Auch. Happens. Most people have at least one such experience later on their lives. Doesn’t mean most guys are like that… well, perhaps there is fewer and fewer good Catholic husband material, but there are decent guys out there.

Two right now are acting this way. Not to mention one of them is on the creepy side too–stands too close, stares too much. I feel a little threatened, though they have done nothing worth complaining about.

I think you might want to talk to them about it or perhaps to your parents or teachers. The opposite sex is attracted to us and that’s quite normal. But if you feel objectified, then you have the right to do something about it.

There are other instances of boys trying to talk to me and be friendly. I realize this is normal and I don’t fault them for it; I simply don’t encourage it and they eventually leave alone. But even this behavior bothers me.

Why? I mean, does merely being friendly bother you?

All this saddens me. I don’t want to cause others to lust, but mostly I hate being objectified like a piece of you-know-what.

You certainly don’t deserve to be objectified. On the other hand, you won’t cause others to lust, with it being in any way your fault, without being either willing or at least careless. If someone can’t control his thoughts, then it’s not your fault so long as you do what you reasonably can to avoid the situation. But wearing a burkha or staying home all day long, for instance, wouldn’t be reasonable.

**

So here’s my question: How do you make sure you don’t attract any attention from the opposite sex AT ALL?

**

Impossible.

I thought I was doing everything right:

• I do not talk to boys unless it is about something class-related.
• I avoid interacting with people other than close friends or teachers.
• I keep a straight face on campus. I don’t appear to be a funny or approachable person. I’ve heard I look stuck-up and this doesn’t surprise me at all.
• I dress on the modest side. I wear long-sleeved shirts, long pants, and glasses to cover up my face.

Actually, if a single and looking Catholic guy were around you, I think he would come up and strike a conversation just because of all that you mention.

Does anyone know what else I might do to stop causing my brothers to stumble?

You don’t cause your brothers to stumble by just being a girl. You don’t need to make yourself uglier, less interesting, less friendly. What you need is to avoid intentionally appealing to their lust, as well as to be reasonably careful about unwittingly triggering it through lack of care. If you know a guy is oversensitive, you probably should apply some more care, but this doesn’t mean that unless you wear a burkha and only go out in mortal peril, you cause them to sin.

Maybe someone here could give me some insight on how to deal with this problem?

Not sure, but certainly cheer up first. Cheer up, chin up, smile and realise God made you a girl for a reason. If you’re pretty and an eye candy, all the better for you, just don’t be too proud about it, and you certainly don’t need to appear dumb or witless. So, be yourself and be careful. Reasonably careful. But you may want advice from your priest or a religious sister.

 

[CarrieH]

Guys are hunters by nature, and they love a challenge. Perhaps some of them are seeing you in your serious, modestly-dressed way and thinking, “Whoo-hoo, let’s see if we can’t get her to loosen up” or some such. There is nothing wrong with having a friendly conversation with a member of the opposite sex, but if the guy tries to ask you out, simply tell him something along the lines of, “Thanks, but I’m not into dating at this point in my life.” If he persists, just keep repeating that until he gives up, and walk away if you have to. When they see that you mean what you say, they will leave you alone and move on to the next girl. But as far as avoiding attention altogether, as long as you have a pulse, there are guys who will look at you and try to hit on you. You are not responsible for their behavior, you are only responsible to present yourself as a virtuous Christian woman, which you are already doing in a most excellent manner.

 

[LittleRose]

One of my favorite movies is Some Like it Hot, starring Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis. Jerry and Joe, the two characters they play are in a jazz band, and have to go into hiding because they witness a mob hit. They end up disguising themselves as women and joining an all-girl band. They learn a lot of things in the process. Here’s a bit of dialogue from the movie:

*Jerry: Dirty old man…I just got pinched in the elevator.

Joe: Now you know how the other half lives.

Jerry: Look at that. I'm not even pretty.

Joe: They don't care. Just so long as you're wearing a skirt. It's like waving      a red flag in front of a bull.*