avoiding guys

[OneAugustKnight]

Look some guys don’t really get it when you just try to avoid them. Some don’t get it even when you are outright mean. These guys just don’t really know how to act around girls and the most charitable thing would be to tell them what they are doing that puts women off so they can work on their social skills a little bit. They aren’t perverts just cause they are weird, they are just socially awkward.

Say something like, “I’m going to tell you something about boundaries and personal space. When you stare at women like you were staring at me today, it does more than convey your interest. It makes women think you are creepy. And when you stand an inch and half away from me, it’s intrusive and intimidating.”

I’m not trying to say you should be mean or anything, but you need to make your rejection clear when you run into this kind of guy and tell him what he does that bothers you. It might seem cruel but if you give them a little insight into how they are projecting themselves it could save them years of loneliness and rejection.

Remember to be gentle, but honest, direct, and straightforward at the same time. Young men don’t always get subtlety.

 

[chevalier]

Look some guys don’t really get it when you just try to avoid them. Some don’t get it even when you are outright mean. These guys just don’t really know how to act around girls and the most charitable thing would be to tell them what they are doing that puts women off so they can work on their social skills a little bit.

I’d say being outright mean on purpose isn’t the best display of social skills, contrary, it shows there’s some work to be done in that regard.

They aren’t perverts just cause they are weird, they are just socially awkward.

As above, being outright mean so that one would get the clue qualifies as “socially awkward” in my book.

I’m not saying this to be mean myself, however, hehe, just to show the perspective of the other side, and to make a reminder that one needs to be even-handed and apply the same standards to oneself and others, and that problems may exist on both sides.

It might seem cruel but if you give them a little insight into how they are projecting themselves it could save them years of loneliness and rejection.

Agreed. Sometimes those guys are shy. Not being seen makes them desperate and then they develop stalking patterns and they begin to fight the woman they’re after. And at that point, the purpose of chasing a girl is defeated: you gain nothing by defeating the other person.

Remember to be gentle, but honest, direct, and straightforward at the same time. Young men don’t always get subtlety.

And subtlety is not always subtle.

 

[OneAugustKnight]

Right, chevalier, I think we are on the same page. I am not advocating being mean. I think it would just help guys who act kind of weird around girls if the girls would be honest with them instead of avoiding them or being rude to them. It would also probably help the guy understand when a girl wasn’t interested. Girls don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but if a girl is trying to ignore a guy his feelings are probably hurting already.

 

[Island_Oak]

first of all, discern why it is you want to attract no attention whatever from the opposite sex, appropriate or otherwise. that is not a natural state of affairs at your age, which I presume to be high school or adolescence. This is the time when you are learning to form friendships (not sexual relationships or sexually charged relationships), but real friendships, and that includes friendships with peers of both sexes. The personality cannot fully develop without this ability. An adult who never acquired this skill would be unable to form a relationship that did proceed to courtship and marriage, and stunted in the ability to grow in real intimacy within that relationship, without the prerequisite beginning in friendship. Such an adult would also be lacking in ability to make real informed commitment to celibate or consecrated religious life, or to undertake life in a religious community.

Excellent points. Avoiding the realities of real life is unreasonable and immature. It’s no different than missing dress rehearsal and showing up unprepared for opening night and expecting to know what to do. You need to go through the practice of forming platonic friendships AND dating so you can discern which relationships have potential to mature into friendships, romances, life long partnership or remain merely acquaintances.

 

[chevalier]

Girls don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but if a girl is trying to ignore a guy his feelings are probably hurting already.

Yup, guys don’t take that well. As for being mean, it only antagonises them unless it crosses the line and the guy thinks he isn’t interested in someone as mean as that. Meanness is a tactic employed too often. It’s hard to say what’s worse: ignoring someone or being mean to him. Certainly, the best is the kind of talking you describe.

 

[hasikelee]

OP, I’m curious about the origins of your beliefs and attitudes expressed in this thread.

Do you believe your body is something to fear, hide or be ashamed of?

Do you think all guys are inherently lustful, evil and have bad intentions?

Do you have a nuclear family unit? How is your relationship with your father? Any brothers?

Have you always avoided males in your life? Or is this idea of lust vs chastity new for you?

Maybe enrolling in an intercultural class or taking defense lessons will give you a new perspective and some confidence.

 

[maria29]

I really suggest you talk with a priest about these issues. If you’re struggling to talk with men at all, you’ll never be able to have a healthy “courtship” if you want to call it that.

I wonder too, if you’re misreading signs and cues from guys since you don’t sound like you’ve got much experience from dealing with men.

 

[mediatrixx]

OP, I’m curious about the origins of your beliefs and attitudes expressed in this thread.

Do you believe your body is something to fear, hide or be ashamed of?

Do you think all guys are inherently lustful, evil and have bad intentions?

Do you have a nuclear family unit? How is your relationship with your father? Any brothers?

Have you always avoided males in your life? Or is this idea of lust vs chastity new for you?

Maybe enrolling in an intercultural class or taking defense lessons will give you a new perspective and some confidence.

1.) No.
2.) No.
3.) Just fine.
4.) Never been an issue before the age of 14 or so.

I don’t have any sort of serious problem like that. I’m simply tired of getting the wrong kind of attention. It’s happening too often for my tastes. I am just looking for ways to stop attracting this attention.

I have no problems talking to the opposite sex or forming friendships with them. I have in the past had some male friends. I just don’t seek them out now because I prefer the companionship of girls my own age.

Hope this clarified for anyone who thought I had a mental problem worth dealing with.

 

[reed987]

u don’t have to avoid guys just because they’re guys
the VAST majority of my friends are females, i’d say 90% especially my closest ones. There’s no need to thwart off the guys who are just trying to be nice

 

[JFonseka]

Be careful here, living a life of celibacy as a single, or being a nun or sister is when you forgo all things in a human relationship FOR God.

Being celibate or not wanting to be married because you want to avoid guys is a BAD reason.

Whatever your past experience has been with guys, you have to pray and be open to what God wants you to do. If you are called to live a married life, and you aren’t happy with that it’s probably because of some deep rooted reason that you have to pray to overcome.

If you want to live a married life with a good guy. Then know the deal breakers. Have in mind WHAT you are looking for in a man.

Guys will come after you because guys initiate relationships 95% of the time. Give people a chance, if you don’t, you will find others won’t give you a chance either, when you most need it.

 

[JFonseka]

Does anyone know what else I might do to stop causing my brothers to stumble? Maybe someone here could give me some insight on how to deal with this problem?

Oh dear.

A guy is interested in you, and automatically he is stumbling.

 

[hasikelee]

1.) No.
2.) No.
3.) Just fine.
4.) Never been an issue before the age of 14 or so.

I don’t have any sort of serious problem like that. I’m simply tired of getting the wrong kind of attention. It’s happening too often for my tastes. I am just looking for ways to stop attracting this attention.

I have no problems talking to the opposite sex or forming friendships with them. I have in the past had some male friends. I just don’t seek them out now because I prefer the companionship of girls my own age.

Hope this clarified for anyone who thought I had a mental problem worth dealing with.

Okay, so if it’s not an intrapersonal problem or unresolved issue, then on to the next thing. In that case, who are you hanging out with? E.g. how are you coming into contact with so many guys who aren’t compatible with your tastes? Are you hanging with the wrong crowd? And I don’t mean to imply bad people. If you are not looking for a relationship, hanging out with nice, young adult, single men is definitely not a wise choice!

Also, have you sat down and planned out a process for dealing with unwanted attention? Have you asked others, such as close friends or family members, to observe your interaction with these men? How do you communicate your dislike of this?

I remember my sister during her younger adolescent years was just plain cuddly and flirty. Then the second a young man gave her unwanted attention, she was flabbergasted. Not saying it’s your fault, but if you are a naturally friendly person, or if you are someone who likes to give attention to a person, they may be misinterpreting your personable approach to mean something else.

In my personal experience, if a man finds me attractive I am okay with that. If they try to do anything based on that attraction, such as “make a move” or even just act rudely (staring, whistling) they get a firm glare at the very least, and a well placed comment if needed. I had one guy try to flirt with me at work last week and I firmly told him it was inappropriate for me to act that way with a client and that his conversation was unwanted. Being firm is never wrong, so long as you are polite!

Also, as a fellow girl I want to say, don’t feel that you really have that much power over men. If you are somehow tricking or forcing them into sin, then it’s your sin and not their’s. Everyone has a culpability level and for guys who look lustfully at girls, their level is much higher than most girls believe. Don’t fall into that trap that you can control another person’s actions!

 

[mediatrixx]

Okay, so if it’s not an intrapersonal problem or unresolved issue, then on to the next thing. In that case, who are you hanging out with? E.g. how are you coming into contact with so many guys who aren’t compatible with your tastes? Are you hanging with the wrong crowd? And I don’t mean to imply bad people. If you are not looking for a relationship, hanging out with nice, young adult, single men is definitely not a wise choice!

Nope, definitely not hanging out with the wrong crowd (thank goodness) but some guys from the wrong kind of crowd have approached me before. I really don’t hang out with anyone other than my handful of girlfriends, honestly.

Also, have you sat down and planned out a process for dealing with unwanted attention? Have you asked others, such as close friends or family members, to observe your interaction with these men? How do you communicate your dislike of this?

Actually, I’ve never really discussed this in depth with anyone before. I shared my concerns with my mother when I was dealing with that first bad experience, but since then I’ve not involved her in any of it. I’ll try to get her opinions on it tonight.

I remember my sister during her younger adolescent years was just plain cuddly and flirty. Then the second a young man gave her unwanted attention, she was flabbergasted. Not saying it’s your fault, but if you are a naturally friendly person, or if you are someone who likes to give attention to a person, they may be misinterpreting your personable approach to mean something else.

No, I’m absolutely not a friendly person. Not in the slightest! I could probably be more friendly at times. I’m very quiet, reserved, and no-nonsense.

In my personal experience, if a man finds me attractive I am okay with that. If they try to do anything based on that attraction, such as “make a move” or even just act rudely (staring, whistling) they get a firm glare at the very least, and a well placed comment if needed. I had one guy try to flirt with me at work last week and I firmly told him it was inappropriate for me to act that way with a client and that his conversation was unwanted. Being firm is never wrong, so long as you are polite!

This sounds very helpful! Can you give me an example of what a well-placed comment might be? Perhaps my shyness is just encouraging this behavior, since I’m often afraid to speak up for myself.

Thank you for your help.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Let me give you another take on this.

If you were MORE friendly and MORE outgoing, you’d scare off the creeps.

There is a certain subclass of male that is deliberately attracted to what they consider “mousy” or “shy”. If you’re all covered up and hiding behind glasses and bad hair, and staring at the ground, they want YOU.

(Trust me on this. I know someone like this. They are called Virgin Chasers.)

They are majorly creepy.

They want a very submissive woman who is easily controlled. That is the signal you are giving out. They will approach you and make their move. They are sure you have never talked to a man before and will be grateful for their attention. They want to be your first. They are downright creepy.

This subclass of vermin is afraid of the social happy woman who has lots of male friends and is confident and stares a man straight in the eye. If they even think you’ve been with someone else, they want no part of you.

Be careful the bait you put out. It will determine what swims around you.

Nothing wrong with being modest. Nothing wrong with being shy. But you seem to be taking it to the extreme. And in doing so, you are missing out on what could be some very lovely friendships that have nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with men valuing you for yourself.

 

[JFonseka]

Let me give you another take on this.

If you were MORE friendly and MORE outgoing, you’d scare off the creeps.

There is a certain subclass of male that is deliberately attracted to what they consider “mousy” or “shy”. If you’re all covered up and hiding behind glasses and bad hair, and staring at the ground, they want YOU.

(Trust me on this. I know someone like this. They are called Virgin Chasers.)

They are majorly creepy.

They want a very submissive woman who is easily controlled. That is the signal you are giving out. They will approach you and make their move. They are sure you have never talked to a man before and will be grateful for their attention. They want to be your first. They are downright creepy.

This subclass of vermin is afraid of the social happy woman who has lots of male friends and is confident and stares a man straight in the eye. If they even think you’ve been with someone else, they want no part of you.

Be careful the bait you put out. It will determine what swims around you.

Nothing wrong with being modest. Nothing wrong with being shy. But you seem to be taking it to the extreme. And in doing so, you are missing out on what could be some very lovely friendships that have nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with men valuing you for yourself.

This is true to an extent, however guys like me prefer girls like that, because I’m not a very “outgoing” person.

So for you to generalize like this…fantastic.

Wonder what other fascinating things dwell in your mind.

And I’ll add further, your strange sad ideas of “subclass vermins” is rather misplaced too.

Dimwit.

 

[CarrieH]

This is true to an extent, however guys like me prefer girls like that, because I’m not a very “outgoing” person.

So for you to generalize like this…fantastic.

Wonder what other fascinating things dwell in your mind.

And I’ll add further, your strange sad ideas of “subclass vermins” is rather misplaced too.

Dimwit.

Excuse me, but I know more than one abused woman who would fit the “mousy/shy” profile, and their husbands are the type who find someone they think they can dominate and control. (They run the opposite direction from women like me ). That’s not to say that all men who prefer a shy woman are this way by any means, but those guys are out there and women need to be aware of their existence.

And BTW, it’s not very charitable of you to call someone “dimwit” in a public forum, esp. one which is supposed to be Christian in nature.

 

[JFonseka]

Excuse me, but I know more than one abused woman who would fit the “mousy/shy” profile, and their husbands are the type who find someone they think they can dominate and control. (They run the opposite direction from women like me ). That’s not to say that all men who prefer a shy woman are this way by any means, but those guys are out there and women need to be aware of their existence.

And BTW, it’s not very charitable of you to call someone “dimwit” in a public forum, esp. one which is supposed to be Christian in nature.

But it’s ok for him to classify people as “subclass of vermin”. And looking purely at his description, I happen to fall in that category of interest in shy women, however I’m not abusive, and I’m pretty shy, that’s why I don’t go after women who are more outgoing.

Dimwit shall remain, if a mod removes it, I don’t care. He/she shall remain a dimwit.

 

[JFonseka]

Similarly there are predatory women who are interested in guys’ money, and there never fails to be some news item regarding the issue. You don’t see me writing articles warning rich men to be careful of women and to be aware of the subclass vermin.

Go ahead, warn people, but NOT in the tone that ‘dimwit’ wrote it in.

Roflcopterama

Case closed.

 

[JFonseka]

So I see the mods deleted my post, called it uncharitable. Gave me an infraction, and still allowed the “charitable” sub class vermin post.

Great job. I’m out of this hole.