Avoiding pregnancy AND meeting my marital obligations

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MotherOfSeven

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I am grateful to have found this forum. I have a problem which I can not discuss with my “real life” friends because it involves some of the more personal details of my marriage. I do not think my husband would be happy with me sharing this information with anyone, but I really do need some guidance from faithful Catholics.
I am the very blessed mother of 7 beautiful children. I am in my early 40’s now. My oldest son is almost a senior in high school and my youngest is barely potty trained. I am very busy with housework, driving my boys to various activities, yard work, feeding our family (You’d be alarmed at how much food we go through!!!), and taking care of my very needy youngest child. I work hard to be a faithful mother and wife. My sons and my husband are the center of my world. The Lord is so generous in giving me the energy to take care of our brood on the small amount of sleep my youngest allows me. I feel very grateful and hope you will be able to hear what I am about to say without judging me.
I do not want to get pregnant again. I am concerned that I simply do not have more to give and that having another child would force me to neglect some of my other duties. My husband is very open to having more children. We both love our large family, bustling household, and busy lives. I would not want fewer children than I have, but I simply can not provide the attention and labor it would require to care for more. My husband works long hours to provide for us (I am very grateful for this!), so I do not have the “help” around the house that my girlfriends seem to have (my friend’s husband does the dishes EVERY Tuesday night!). My husband holds me to a high expectation, knowing that I will rise to the occasion and be everything that the Lord has provided for me to be. I am not ungrateful for his encouragement in this area, but I do not want to take on more.
My question is, how do I avoid pregnancy and still meet my husband’s marital needs. It is very hard for him when I am having my “time” (which usually lasts nearly a week) and he is unwilling to abstain for another period of time during my cycle. I am so desperate that I even suggested that one or the other of us have surgery to prevent us from conceiving another child, although I know the church frowns on this. My husband was devastated and told me he feared for my salvation. Is anyone else here in this situation? Do you have any advice?
 
Seven is a complete figure and it should be fine to stop with that. If your’e in no mood for it, his mood would also fizzle out. Prayer can also change his mood. Both of you should graduate to higher love which is most beautiful and needs nothing physical. I say this from experience.
 
You sound like a genuinely good wife who has been very blessed.
To answer your question… there is no method other than abstinence (total or periodic, using NFP) that is legitimate in the eyes of the church. The reasons are many, but that’s not the purpose of this thread.

My advice is to take a muli-tasked approach.
First, your husband has to realize what a burden this is to you. This is going to be the hardest part. It will require a lot of communication, possibly even counseling (either with a counselor or your priest) to come to this understanding. the root of your problem is in communication and coming to a common agreement. Yes, it will require sacrifice.
Second, I encourage you to learn NFP. I hope this is something your husband is willing to join you in learning.
Third, and pardon me if this gets too graphic… Consider the possibility of increasing the time you can be together with your husband by being open to having sex during your period. That way you’re only abstaining when absolutely necessary. Just something to consider.

Prayers for you and your situation.
 
Wow, seven children–you have been very blessed already and I can certainly understand how you feel that another would “stretch you too thin.” This is really something that you need to communicate to your husband. He needs to understand all of the work that you must put in every day to keep the household running. (My experience is that when my husband is at work all day, he really just doesn’t understand how much actually goes on in the house during the day.) You both are going to have to agree on whether or not to continue having more children. If you are having troubles communicating this issue to each other, then you should seek out marriage counseling. A good marriage counselor will give you both the necessary tools to have a good discussion with each other.

As far as moral options go, abstaining from sex is the only moral way for a Catholic couple to avoid a pregnancy. It can either be periodic abstinence using NFP or total abstinence. Have you learned any forms of NFP? If not, I suggest that you start learning. Not all forms of NFP require a couple to abstain when a woman is menstruating, so that might be something to consider as you search for the right method for you. When my husband and I first started learning NFP, it was definitely a trial for us. Now, we both consider it a blessing in our marriage. It’s helped our communication, and we both feel more respected in our sexuality.
 
MotherOfSeven said:
I It is very hard for him when I am having my “time” (which usually lasts nearly a week) and he is unwilling to abstain for another period of time during my cycle.
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Then he needs to gain control of himself and start to think about what is best for his wife and family, rather than himself. It’s not easy (I know this first hand) but that’s part of being a real man and a good husband.

Sounds like you are an awesome wife, but it is time for him to step up and learn to sacrifice his wants, just like you sacrifice yours every day…
 
28562 said:
Then he needs to gain control of himself and start to think about what is best for his wife and family, rather than himself. It’s not easy (I know this first hand) but that’s part of being a real man and a good husband.

Sounds like you are an awesome wife, but it is time for him to step up and learn to sacrifice his wants, just like you sacrifice yours every day…
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Amen! By the way, you sound like an incredible wife and mother.
 
MotherOfSeven said:
I am grateful to have found this forum. I have a problem which I can not discuss with my “real life” friends because it involves some of the more personal details of my marriage. I do not think my husband would be happy with me sharing this information with anyone, but I really do need some guidance from faithful Catholics.
I am the very blessed mother of 7 beautiful children. I am in my early 40’s now. My oldest son is almost a senior in high school and my youngest is barely potty trained. I am very busy with housework, driving my boys to various activities, yard work, feeding our family (You’d be alarmed at how much food we go through!!!), and taking care of my very needy youngest child. I work hard to be a faithful mother and wife. My sons and my husband are the center of my world. The Lord is so generous in giving me the energy to take care of our brood on the small amount of sleep my youngest allows me. I feel very grateful and hope you will be able to hear what I am about to say without judging me.
I do not want to get pregnant again. I am concerned that I simply do not have more to give and that having another child would force me to neglect some of my other duties. My husband is very open to having more children. We both love our large family, bustling household, and busy lives. I would not want fewer children than I have, but I simply can not provide the attention and labor it would require to care for more. My husband works long hours to provide for us (I am very grateful for this!), so I do not have the “help” around the house that my girlfriends seem to have (my friend’s husband does the dishes EVERY Tuesday night!). My husband holds me to a high expectation, knowing that I will rise to the occasion and be everything that the Lord has provided for me to be. I am not ungrateful for his encouragement in this area, but I do not want to take on more.
My question is, how do I avoid pregnancy and still meet my husband’s marital needs. It is very hard for him when I am having my “time” (which usually lasts nearly a week) and he is unwilling to abstain for another period of time during my cycle. I am so desperate that I even suggested that one or the other of us have surgery to prevent us from conceiving another child, although I know the church frowns on this. My husband was devastated and told me he feared for my salvation. Is anyone else here in this situation? Do you have any advice?
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Now YOU hold him to high expectations and trust that HE will rise to do what’s best for the family by abstaining more!!!

I’m aorry, he can’t take more than 7 days!!! You got a spoiled brat on your hands, likethose people who cannot go without meat for a day, PUH-LEZE!!!
some oh us had to abstain for months and months on end and nothing fell off! And we’re in our 20s when hormones are still raging. It’s hard, but hey, we seem to call ourselves Christians ( i.e followers of Christ) Golgotha wasn’t anyeasier!

It’s nice he can work long hours and deal with a bustling household, now is time he also learns the harder things. Ask any man to chose between another child or abstinence and you’ll get the same answer,- that’ why 's it’s up to the woman, ultimately to decide.
 
Em_in_FL said:
You sound like a genuinely good wife who has been very blessed.
To answer your question… there is no method other than abstinence (total or periodic, using NFP) that is legitimate in the eyes of the church. The reasons are many, but that’s not the purpose of this thread.

My advice is to take a muli-tasked approach.
First, your husband has to realize what a burden this is to you. This is going to be the hardest part. It will require a lot of communication, possibly even counseling (either with a counselor or your priest) to come to this understanding. the root of your problem is in communication and coming to a common agreement. Yes, it will require sacrifice.
Second, I encourage you to learn NFP. I hope this is something your husband is willing to join you in learning.
Third, and pardon me if this gets too graphic… Consider the possibility of increasing the time you can be together with your husband by being open to having sex during your period. That way you’re only abstaining when absolutely necessary. Just something to consider.

Prayers for you and your situation.
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yeah what EM said is really great advice but I’ll add a few things. While your trying to get him to understand (some men never grow up). here is a few tips
  1. learn/know nfp well (1st day of period is day 1 and fertile days are on average day 10 to day 19 give or take a few) you do need to learn the rules well if you haven’t yet.
  2. increase you time together (if you know what I mean) during the yes days
  3. be firm and know your reasons well and be prepared to discuss them stand your ground! its best to word it as nice as possible without placing blame. DON’T talk in bed.
  4. don’t ever take a shower, change, go braless, etc when he is around by during your fertile days!!! shower when he is at work, change after he leaves etc. wear a sports bra during the fertile days. wear a one piece bathing suit under your bedtime cloths or spanxs. or sleep in another room. this may sound shocking but it does help teach abstinence.
  5. don’t lay in bed with him if can’t handle it during fertile days!
  6. never give false promises
    forever might be to much for him to handle don’t use the work forever.
    I agree communication is key but you can’t change your husband only he can change himself.
I pray that my husband can learn to abstain during my fertile days, if he can’t I pray that I’m infertile, and if its your God’s holy will I get pregnant I pray that I God gives me the graces I need to handle it.

my husband is a wonderful man he is very holy, he just has a really hard time abstaining and we greatly differ in the seriousness of our reason to avoid.
 
I do not think it is very charitable to post links to these other threads when this woman has come here looking for help. Can you imagine how she’s feeling right now?
 
SanctaMommy said:
I do not think it is very charitable to post links to these other threads when this woman has come here looking for help. Can you imagine how she’s feeling right now?
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There is quite a lot of help on the other thread. :o
 
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