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mini_me640
Guest
I’m glad I’m not the only one having déjà vu here! I’m not getting sucked into this again!
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Luna_Lovecraft
Guest
Patricia, it’s so nice to meet you! :hug1: Roland has told us so much about you that it’s great that you finally showed up on CAF.I am grateful to have found this forum. I have a problem which I can not discuss with my “real life” friends because it involves some of the more personal details of my marriage. I do not think my husband would be happy with me sharing this information with anyone, but I really do need some guidance from faithful Catholics.
I am the very blessed mother of 7 beautiful children. I am in my early 40’s now. My oldest son is almost a senior in high school and my youngest is barely potty trained. I am very busy with housework, driving my boys to various activities, yard work, feeding our family (You’d be alarmed at how much food we go through!!!), and taking care of my very needy youngest child. I work hard to be a faithful mother and wife. My sons and my husband are the center of my world. The Lord is so generous in giving me the energy to take care of our brood on the small amount of sleep my youngest allows me. I feel very grateful and hope you will be able to hear what I am about to say without judging me.
I do not want to get pregnant again. I am concerned that I simply do not have more to give and that having another child would force me to neglect some of my other duties. My husband is very open to having more children. We both love our large family, bustling household, and busy lives. I would not want fewer children than I have, but I simply can not provide the attention and labor it would require to care for more. My husband works long hours to provide for us (I am very grateful for this!), so I do not have the “help” around the house that my girlfriends seem to have (my friend’s husband does the dishes EVERY Tuesday night!). My husband holds me to a high expectation, knowing that I will rise to the occasion and be everything that the Lord has provided for me to be. I am not ungrateful for his encouragement in this area, but I do not want to take on more.
My question is, how do I avoid pregnancy and still meet my husband’s marital needs. It is very hard for him when I am having my “time” (which usually lasts nearly a week) and he is unwilling to abstain for another period of time during my cycle. I am so desperate that I even suggested that one or the other of us have surgery to prevent us from conceiving another child, although I know the church frowns on this. My husband was devastated and told me he feared for my salvation. Is anyone else here in this situation? Do you have any advice?
Luna
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severus68
Guest
I reeled in shock at your post and then got it. Good one Luna. Yes that troll.Patricia, it’s so nice to meet you! :hug1: Roland has told us so much about you that it’s great that you finally showed up on CAF.
Luna
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MotherOfSeven
Guest
First, I want to say thank you for the kind advice here. I do not think I am above my marital obligations. I have expressed openness to intimacy during my “time” and I would love to use NFP, but that is not agreeable to my husband.
As for the other thing. Wow. I just don’t know what to say. My husband’s name is NOT Roland, but, yes, my name is Patricia and I’ve just begun reading that other thread. I am very upset right now. I don’t know if I can stand to read that whole thread.
As for the other thing. Wow. I just don’t know what to say. My husband’s name is NOT Roland, but, yes, my name is Patricia and I’ve just begun reading that other thread. I am very upset right now. I don’t know if I can stand to read that whole thread.
A
aloe
Guest
Your husband is being very selfish on so many levels. You are fulfilling your marital obligations with all work you put in 24/7 for your large family’s behalf. It is him that has the problem, not you. My suggestion to you is to get counseling ASAP, even if your husband won’t go you should go alone.
As for the thread that was linked in this thread, you should read every post on it. It will give you insight into why you really need need professional help. You should not feel bullied by his wishes, which if he had it his way give you no control over even your own body and major life decisions. You are not wrong for wanting to abstain for periods of time in your situation. He is not listening to you or respecting your wishes and that trickles down into all areas of life…I can’t help but wonder what type of lesson does that teach all your sons?
As for the thread that was linked in this thread, you should read every post on it. It will give you insight into why you really need need professional help. You should not feel bullied by his wishes, which if he had it his way give you no control over even your own body and major life decisions. You are not wrong for wanting to abstain for periods of time in your situation. He is not listening to you or respecting your wishes and that trickles down into all areas of life…I can’t help but wonder what type of lesson does that teach all your sons?
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anruari
Guest
I’m a married man.
I think your husband is being very selfish in this area.
Your “marital obligations” are in no way bound satisfying your husbands lust so often. To demand sex that often is driven by Lust and not love and respect for the other person.
I think you need to drag your man to some catholic marriage counselling. and also learn NFP.
In my own life my wife and I have had to abstain for months at a time on more than one occasion. - For medical reasons it would have been very painful and possibly injurious for my wife to “get physical” with me in even the most gentle of styles. - Yet we have never failed to be close and intimate with each other.
It seems to me that in our western society many men misunderstand the genuine human need for love and intimacy (a baby who is not hugged will become very ill and may die), with a desire for sex.
Sex is one of the most intimate things we can engage in, but intimacy can also involve a kiss, a hug a cuddle, a pinched bum, working in the kitchen (or elsewhere) together & letting yourselves “accidently” bump into each other a lot. A back rub. a full massage with oil, scrubbing the other persons back when they are in the bath or shower (which you can do fully clothed - or sharing the water with the other person).
Many of these things can be erotic in some circumstances and very much not in others and either way they are still very much intimate.
My wife and I for example choose to be openly intimate (but not erotic) in the home and in no way hide this from the kids - it’s good for them to see and learn that Mum and Dad love each other, and can kiss each other in much the same way we do to the kids.
I believe this will help them develop a safe and balanced sexuality that helps them know that intimacy and sexuality do not have to be synonymous for adults.
My wife also knows that she is in no way expected to always say yes to me when I make advances towards her, and similarly I am also free to have a headache or be too tired on days when she would like to dance the horizontal tango.
It’s good to have words and actions that say “I want you, but it doesn’t have to be now”, and “I don’t want that now, maybe another day”.
It’s also good to not have to spell these things out verbally every time.
I think your husband is being very selfish in this area.
Your “marital obligations” are in no way bound satisfying your husbands lust so often. To demand sex that often is driven by Lust and not love and respect for the other person.
I think you need to drag your man to some catholic marriage counselling. and also learn NFP.
In my own life my wife and I have had to abstain for months at a time on more than one occasion. - For medical reasons it would have been very painful and possibly injurious for my wife to “get physical” with me in even the most gentle of styles. - Yet we have never failed to be close and intimate with each other.
It seems to me that in our western society many men misunderstand the genuine human need for love and intimacy (a baby who is not hugged will become very ill and may die), with a desire for sex.
Sex is one of the most intimate things we can engage in, but intimacy can also involve a kiss, a hug a cuddle, a pinched bum, working in the kitchen (or elsewhere) together & letting yourselves “accidently” bump into each other a lot. A back rub. a full massage with oil, scrubbing the other persons back when they are in the bath or shower (which you can do fully clothed - or sharing the water with the other person).
Many of these things can be erotic in some circumstances and very much not in others and either way they are still very much intimate.
My wife and I for example choose to be openly intimate (but not erotic) in the home and in no way hide this from the kids - it’s good for them to see and learn that Mum and Dad love each other, and can kiss each other in much the same way we do to the kids.
I believe this will help them develop a safe and balanced sexuality that helps them know that intimacy and sexuality do not have to be synonymous for adults.
My wife also knows that she is in no way expected to always say yes to me when I make advances towards her, and similarly I am also free to have a headache or be too tired on days when she would like to dance the horizontal tango.
It’s good to have words and actions that say “I want you, but it doesn’t have to be now”, and “I don’t want that now, maybe another day”.
It’s also good to not have to spell these things out verbally every time.
W
whm
Guest
My response to the above would be to say, lets discuss this with our priest. After saying this, I would think it would be difficult for him to refuse discussing the situation with your priest and these other issues can be addressed at the same time.My husband was devastated and told me he feared for my salvation.
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severus68
Guest
Great post. It is obvious that you have a great, giving and loving marriage.I’m a married man.
I think your husband is being very selfish in this area.
Your “marital obligations” are in no way bound satisfying your husbands lust so often. To demand sex that often is driven by Lust and not love and respect for the other person.
I think you need to drag your man to some catholic marriage counselling. and also learn NFP.
In my own life my wife and I have had to abstain for months at a time on more than one occasion. - For medical reasons it would have been very painful and possibly injurious for my wife to “get physical” with me in even the most gentle of styles. - Yet we have never failed to be close and intimate with each other.
It seems to me that in our western society many men misunderstand the genuine human need for love and intimacy (a baby who is not hugged will become very ill and may die), with a desire for sex.
Sex is one of the most intimate things we can engage in, but intimacy can also involve a kiss, a hug a cuddle, a pinched bum, working in the kitchen (or elsewhere) together & letting yourselves “accidently” bump into each other a lot. A back rub. a full massage with oil, scrubbing the other persons back when they are in the bath or shower (which you can do fully clothed - or sharing the water with the other person).
Many of these things can be erotic in some circumstances and very much not in others and either way they are still very much intimate.
My wife and I for example choose to be openly intimate (but not erotic) in the home and in no way hide this from the kids - it’s good for them to see and learn that Mum and Dad love each other, and can kiss each other in much the same way we do to the kids.
I believe this will help them develop a safe and balanced sexuality that helps them know that intimacy and sexuality do not have to be synonymous for adults.
My wife also knows that she is in no way expected to always say yes to me when I make advances towards her, and similarly I am also free to have a headache or be too tired on days when she would like to dance the horizontal tango.
It’s good to have words and actions that say “I want you, but it doesn’t have to be now”, and “I don’t want that now, maybe another day”.
It’s also good to not have to spell these things out verbally every time.
M
Musician
Guest
We had four children very close together. My husband was ready and willing for more, but I sure wasn’t.
If my DH wasn’t supportive of my emotional needs (i.e., the need to stop bearing children), I’d be very resentful. Your husband needs a reality check, and you need to give it to him.
If my DH wasn’t supportive of my emotional needs (i.e., the need to stop bearing children), I’d be very resentful. Your husband needs a reality check, and you need to give it to him.
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