Awful relationship with mom

  • Thread starter Thread starter ChikaisHis
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

ChikaisHis

Guest
I am a 19 year old university student, living at home for the summer holidays. Throughout my high school years I had a very rocky relationship with my mom. We would argue and fight all the time and say terrible things to each other.

Then I went to university. Being away from home and rediscovering my Catholic faith helped me improve my relationship with my mom. But this summer instead of staying at school I decided to come home and it has been really difficult getting along with my mom again.

I feel like my mom is under the impression that I am out to get her or oppose her. Whenever I disagree with her or upset her (something minor like a neutral comment she misunderstands, or something more serious like misplacing my stuff), the first thing she usually says is “Do you want me to die?” “You just want me to be miserable”.

She also tends to say things such as “You make me feel like the worst parent ever. If you continue like this you are doomed to misery and will never succeed”. She says this to my 2 younger siblings as well. I know that people say things like this out of frustration, but I really am 99.9% sure my mom is serious when she says she feels like a failure and worries about us- I have heard her say it to my aunt, whom she is very close to. And it makes me feel really bad, because I don’t know what to do. She is so negative and I wish I could help her see things in a more positive light, and feel better.

I have many faults but I am trying to improve. Yet it seems like after I fix one thing my mom finds another flaw to be upset over. And even though we have many shortcomings, she did raise 3 kids who all ended up at the top of the class, never got into trouble, are involved in many extracurriculars… and she deserves a lot of the credit, always ensuring we got the resources we needed to succeed and making sure that she knew what was going on at school. I know she cares about us deeply.

Also my mom gets upset very easily. I’ve tried staying silent when she says hurtful things. Maybe I am too sensitive but I almost always end up crying. And many of these things she has said over and over and they are really taking a toll on me- they play in my head sometimes and stay in my room for hours unable to do anything, feeling broken and crying.

I’ve tried talking to my mom calmly about how I feel, but I can’t seem to find the right words because she always gets more upset and says more hurtful things. (“Mom, it really hurts to hear that”… Her reply: “And you hurt me when you say that!”)

In addition I feel like my faith complicates the issue. She is not a Christian and a lot of times she will make comments such as “What’s the point of going to church when you ____________________” and “is that what they teach you at church?” Sometimes we get along and my going to Mass is what makes her upset. Which almost makes me feel guilty and hypocritical for practising my faith because I am misrepresenting Christ- even though I know without God, I would be even more lost and without strength to deal with my sins and faults.

Finally what is more confusing is she is not like this all the time. Some days we get along well and have great times together. And I really do know she cares about me. Most days though, we don’t. And even the days we get along, I feel like she is just holding it in when I do something that annoys or upsets her… because she will bring it up during our arguments.

I know I can’t deal with it the way I did in high school. Not only am I older, but what I did before was definitely not Christ-like or honouring her.
Right now I’m really struggling with the fine line between asserting myself and dishonouring my mom. Letting her hurt me/ my siblings/herself to avoid arguments, and being loving .

I want to improve my relationship with my mom and make things better but I seriously don’t know what is really the right thing to do, what God wants.

I would really appreciate any advice or wisdom you have to offer about all this. Thanks for reading and please pray for me.
 
I am really sorry to hear what you’ve been going through. Rest easy, you and your mom and your siblings will be in my prayers.
 
First, welcome to CAF. I’m sorry you and your Mom are struggling. It was always a little difficult to go home for a visit. Creating an adult relationship between Mother and Daughter can be trying on everyone. I’ve been on both sides of it. Pray for her. That’s the best thing you can do for both of you. This evolving relationship will take a while. It doesn’t sound like she’s ready to hear your honest feedback. Try to honor her. Join your suffering with our Lord’s suffering on the cross. My prayers are with both of you.

God Bless you.
 
This is so common in families,even though your related as close as you can get,
There is this situation as though your two complete strangers thrown together by fate,
Like two bulls placed in the same yard,it doesn’t matter if one bull is Placid and the other is indifferent,there will be trouble, there really is no compromise,
What can you do about this ? Not much at all,all you can do is try to be patient & understanding to the best of your own ability, you yourself are an individual, you are you,
You maybe an extension of your mother,but you are not your mother,you are you,
You have your own life,take with you the good things about your mother,reject what you in your own heart believe what is not,like being constantly negative , stand straight,be proud,and be who you are,and get an education to better yourself, just leave the door open at all times for your mother,tell her that,but you just can’t live under pressure ,
 
One thing to remember: You can change yourself, but not others. You keep working on improving your responses and reactions to the negative elements of your mother’s behaviors, but don’t try to change her so much. It sounds like she is very insecure and probably depressed.

Telling people they won’t succeed, are failures or indicating that they are trying to destroy you, are all kinds of verbal abuse and efforts to control the other person. Your mother seems very terrified of life too me. Most likely she needs counseling and even medication for depression.

If you are the oldest, set an example to your siblings on how to persevere in a positive fashion, how to be focused on personal goals and dreams and how to respond to mom with positive remarks and behavior. You might benefit from some counseling so you can do this and not get lost in working through your own frustration and confusion over her behavior.

Pray daily, and stay focused on your personal goals. I pray for your peace and that of your entire family.
 
A lot of what she says sounds like emotional blackmail, to be honest.
 
Nothing you can do about it, but from what you said I suspect your mother may be depressed and/or have other mental/emotional problems.

As another suggested, when you go back to school maybe you could talk with a counselor to figure out how to deal with her in a healthy manner when you are home.
 
It sounds like you are already heading in the right direction. As cricket said, you can change yourself but you cannot force others to change. It sounds like you recognize where you may have contributed to the situation and are making progress in changing.

I can tell you really love your mom, and it sounds like she loves you, too. We all have our faults and foibles. Your mother’s appears to be her tendency towards negativity. I’ve known people like that. They seem to interpret every action and word in the most negative light possible rather than giving people the benefit of the doubt.

I think that ultimately, the best thing is to do your best not to get sucked into the drama. That can be hard. But when she says melodramatic things like “Do you want me to die?”, don’t take the bait. I’m sure that many of our other wonderful posters will be here shortly to give some good ideas on articulating proper responses to such things.

I’ll say a prayer for you!
 
Hi and welcome to CA!
I am so glad to read that this has been a time for you to renew your Catholic faith! I came into the Church in my 20’s and grew up with an alcoholic mother. It took time to get all the negative stuff out of my head and there were days I knew that I missed out on a good Catholic formation by having parents like I did, BUT, you and I know how dark life can be without God in our lives every day because of it. For myself, I made the decision not to drink. It was the gift I gave to myself, the gift of being sober! I can only thank my mother for that. Many teens grew up without being sober and are living with awful consequences.

To absorb the word of God, go to the sacraments, puts God’s light in your heart where there was only darkness. It is a wonderful gift to self. Going to school, getting your education, putting things in place for your future is a gift to yourself. Being plugged into God is the most awesome gift you can have. Speak to your younger siblings about this and whenever you can over the school year that they realize that God has a plan for their lives, and it’s a good plan.

As an adult I found it very difficult to visit my parents because they were in the same place mentally and with me showing up just made them try to pull me back into old behaviors. When I got married and brought my husband along, they tried their best to be on their ‘good behavior’ so conversations got easier when a ‘non-player’ entered the game. Visits were only a few hours too, not the daily grind of living together.

I have so much hope for you! You have God who wants to be in your life, and those bad habits will slowly fall away. Be patient with yourself. These things don’t change over night. As you get rid of those bad habits, you are going to be a better spouse one day, a better parent one day. Come and enter into God’s blessing!

God bless and keep you.
 
SpidersfromMars said:
A lot of what she says sounds like emotional blackmail, to be honest.
Click to expand...
Bonnie said:
Nothing you can do about it, but from what you said I suspect your mother may be depressed and/or have other mental/emotional problems.

As another suggested, when you go back to school maybe you could talk with a counselor to figure out how to deal with her in a healthy manner when you are home.
Click to expand...
I think it sounds like a bit of both of these.

You have to realize that you can only work on yourself and how you deal with your mom. Sometimes, pointing things out to another does nothing but make them lash out even more. I too think that if you got some counseling, you might be able to deal with your mom’s comments more easily. Someday, you will leave home and you may have a better relationship with your mom, as you do when you are away at school.

Quite honestly, her comments are pretty melodramatic. "Do you want me to die? " That is really over the top. I can’t think of a single instance where I would ever say that to one of my family members.
 
Does the university you’re attending offer individual/group counseling? Often if one is a student, that is included in your student activity fee. It may not change your situation, but it’d give you a neutral person to talk to about this in the meantime.
 
Thank you to everyone for your replies, prayers and warm welcomes.:hug1: They have made me feel much better.

I do think my mom may have some mental health problems. I wish I could help her there :(actually I think my entire family might benefit from some counselling… I have considered counselling but I am hesitant because I have had bad experiences with it in the past (it made my anxiety much much worse). But maybe I will try it again.

I think I am not very good at knowing how to respond to my mom. I feel like not responding is a response in itself- one that doesn’t work well. Often it upsets my mom more and she feels like I am being rude or ignoring her. When I do talk, it usually leads to misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and arguing. 😦
 
ChikaisHis said:
Thank you to everyone for your replies, prayers and warm welcomes.:hug1: They have made me feel much better.

I do think my mom may have some mental health problems. I wish I could help her there :(actually I think my entire family might benefit from some counselling… I have considered counselling but I am hesitant because I have had bad experiences with it in the past (it made my anxiety much much worse). But maybe I will try it again.

I think I am not very good at knowing how to respond to my mom. I feel like not responding is a response in itself- one that doesn’t work well. Often it upsets my mom more and she feels like I am being rude or ignoring her. When I do talk, it usually leads to misunderstanding, hurt feelings, and arguing. 😦
Click to expand...
I can see how not responding could make matters worse.

I know it would be very hard, but do you think it might help to respond as dispassionately as possible that you hear what she is saying and would like to discuss the matter further when she is ready to discuss things in a more calm and even-handed manner? Maybe you can point out that you love her very much and that you don’t think that emotional back-and-forths are good for your relationship and thus would prefer to talk about things when you both can speak calmly about the issue.

I think we could all use some counseling. It’s the human condition. :o
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top