Awful Roommate...

[kenj89]

Hey everyone,
So I’ve got a bit of a dilemma. My roommate has decided to have her boyfriend move in with us. We live in a two bedroom apartment.
She decided that this is “ok” because it’s her decision, and because my boyfriend came here a lot for the last 3 months of 2009 because I was having some personal issues. He slept on the couch, and was basically just around to make sure that if I was having any problems he could get me to a hospital. To make things clear–we are not sexually active, or anything like that, we just care about eachother a lot.
So anyways, back to my point–she’s letting him move in, sleep in her bedroom with her, they are VERY public about their sex life, and he often walks around in nothing but her housecoat, and it’s all making me horribly uncomfortable. And, to make things even harder to deal with, she was afraid she was pregnant about a week ago, and asked if i could take her to get an abortion if she was!! :bigyikes:
Basically, I’m wondering how to deal with this rationally, and ethically, and with good Catholic morals, because I’m starting to go CRAZY dealing with this. I can’t move out because it is a binding lease, and I’m the primary signature on the lease…
Help!!

 

[PaulinVA]

I can’t move out because it is a binding lease, and I’m the primary signature on the lease…
Help!!

Well, there’s your answer right there.

You can do what you think is appropriate.

 

[michaeldaniels]

If you are the primary, have her move out and then find a good Catholic roommate

 

[PaulinVA]

Or, you can tell them since there are three people now, the rent will be split three ways…

 

[Callixtus]

Both are good options.

But I wouldn’t put up with this situation.

Don’t forget to pray about it!

 

[warpspeedpetey]

Hey everyone,
So I’ve got a bit of a dilemma. My roommate has decided to have her boyfriend move in with us. We live in a two bedroom apartment.
She decided that this is “ok” because it’s her decision, and because my boyfriend came here a lot for the last 3 months of 2009 because I was having some personal issues. He slept on the couch, and was basically just around to make sure that if I was having any problems he could get me to a hospital. To make things clear–we are not sexually active, or anything like that, we just care about eachother a lot.
So anyways, back to my point–she’s letting him move in, sleep in her bedroom with her, they are VERY public about their sex life, and he often walks around in nothing but her housecoat, and it’s all making me horribly uncomfortable. And, to make things even harder to deal with, she was afraid she was pregnant about a week ago, and asked if i could take her to get an abortion if she was!! :bigyikes:
Basically, I’m wondering how to deal with this rationally, and ethically, and with good Catholic morals, because I’m starting to go CRAZY dealing with this. I can’t move out because it is a binding lease, and I’m the primary signature on the lease…
Help!!

she just asked you if you would be willing to commit a murder. tell her how its going to be (how you want it to be). then let the chips fall where they may. you may have to change things to accomodate the loss of that roomate, but thats a lot better than the situation youre in now.
good luck!

 

[puzzleannie]

Hey everyone,
So I’ve got a bit of a dilemma. My roommate has decided to have her boyfriend move in with us. We live in a two bedroom apartment.
Basically, I’m wondering how to deal with this rationally, and ethically, and with good Catholic morals, because I’m starting to go CRAZY dealing with this. I can’t move out because it is a binding lease, and I’m the primary signature on the lease…
Help!!

whoa, what does your lease or rental agreement say?
that is why legal documents are created so you don’t have to wonder how to handle it.
tell her it is my apartment, there is no shacking up, and any way the lease does not allow another person. better start working on another roommate

 

[EmeraldWings]

i can imagine the stress this must be causing you…
first of all, as all good Catholics should, pray on it, we should always seeks Gods help first in everything.

and then after you have done that, i’d suggest confronting her about this, if she’s your friend then she will listen(although i don’t think you said she was a friend…), just as long as you talk gently and calmly about it, and just tell her your moral concerns, tell her even if she doesn’t have the same morals and values as you, she needs to respect yours because you are living in the same apartment and these things will and are effecting you in a way you can’t live with,
just be honest about it, let her know that you wouldn’t force your morals and values on her, and you would appreciate it if she didn’t force her tolerance of immorality on you.
well, just say what you think is best, and don’t worry about the outcome to much, just do what you know is right and God will take care of the rest, even if she doesn’t take it well…it’s much more rewarding to please God than to try and please mankind, who love you one day and hate you the next…whatever happens, it will pass, so don’t worry to much,
and i’ll be sure to pray for you so things turn out for the best, k?
alright, hope things go well, take care.

 

[jilly4ski]

whoa, what does your lease or rental agreement say?
that is why legal documents are created so you don’t have to wonder how to handle it.
tell her it is my apartment, there is no shacking up,** and any way the lease does not allow another person.** better start working on another roommate

This is good advise from puzzleannie. most leases don’t let people just move in without being put on the lease, because of the liability issues, (who pays rent, who is supposed to have keys, who pays for damage when you all move out, etc…)

I personally would put my foot down and say no, and tell her if she wants to live with her boyfriend that they can find their own place and sign a new lease. But that is just me, when or if you get a new roommate, make sure you sit down and set some ground rules and non-negotiables that you both have** in writing**, this will help avoid roommate disputes in the future. (Ours were pre-printed forms with blanks that we could fill out, this will make it seem like it is a good idea from a source and not that you are just a weirdo.) Good luck

 

[SugarMagnolia]

If she is such an awful person I’m wondering why you became her roommate in the first place? Or was she a nice person who is only now making a choice that violates your ethics?

Also, even though your boyfriend slept on the couch, is there any chance that she didn’t appreciate his frequent overnights? I know you two weren’t sexually active, but your roommate might not be concerned with your lovelife; she might not have appreciated his socks on the floor or eating the last donut or whatever his habits are that might be endearing to you but not to her.

Now, I’m not saying you should let her boyfriend move in. If you’re the lease-holder it’s ultimately your decision and you can tell her to leave, but first I would ask: Are you certain you have been a 100% angel to live with? I think you two should discuss the situation. Find out what you may be doing that she is unhappy with as well as telling her what she is doing that you are unhappy with. Maybe you can work it out, maybe not; but if she isn’t really such an awful person it might be worth the effort to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her.

 

[Rence]

First of all, did she ever voice concern over you having your own boyfriend over? If so, did you have him over anyway? If not, remind her of that and move forward to end this situation of yours. If she’s holding this over your head, I don’t see how you can resolve this without evicting her because it does look like a double standard. We know the situation was different from what YOU said, but if both of you don’t share the same values and morals, it’s a matter of opinion, isn’t it?

You can stop her from having her boyfriend overnight, but I don’t see how you can tell her that she can’t have boyfriends over at all. You can stop her from openly having sex all over the apartment, but I don’t see how you’re going to avoid them having sex in her bedroom. Tell her to put a robe on before she leaves your room. It is afterall, her apartment too, as long as she is living there and paying half the rent and bills.

In the future, screen your roommates better so that you’re not in this position

I hope there is some kind of written agreement between the two of you, or you’re going to end up with the rent and all the bills until you find a replacement roommate. I’d start looking now. Whether you evict her or she gets mad and leaves, you’ll be on your own for a while. I don’t know if I could put up with that for too long, if at all.

 

[eucharisteo]

You know, two can play the same game. Let’s call it the discomfort game. You must make it clear that this is not a trio lounge for whatever she wants. Tell her point blank. If you can not handle the financial situation then it’s time to make some difficult choices. RULES!. Number one, noone is allowed to talk about their potty habits, picking their noses or behinds …so lets not talk about other biological acts as well. Tell her clearly without clouding your objection about her shacking up. Make it clear you do NOT approve of this behavior. And the asking you to help her murder a child is way over the line. It’s your lease, so you have a right to place your religious items around the place. Make it clear that you do NOT approve. Make it clear that you are faithful to Christ and that these things she is doing is gravely sinful. Why play games in other words. Tell her like it really is and maker her uncomfortable because she is looking in the face of Christ now. It must be the first thing conjured up in her mind when she sees you, the apartment and anything related to the relationship. If you have a binding contract and she is a resident in your home that’s one thing. But show you where in your agreement that you agree to allow a 3rd person to permanently shack up in there using everything and not even having the decency to cover up.

Think of it this way. Transfer your binding lease to her and move out for your own sake. Better to lose a little money, tarnish your credit to get away from Satan. Nothing would ever have gotten this far with me. Been there. Not to make you even more uncomfortable, but remember what Joseph, a slave did, to get away from a sinful woman trying to seduce him. He ended up in prison.

 

[Elizabeth502]

You may or may not be able to transfer a binding lease to her. (It may say in the fine print in the agreement – like non-transferable, etc.) I vote for reporting the situation to the landlord, explaining that you never agreed to a 3rd roommate, and that the lease is for 2 people.

However you do it (none of us here can see the legal paperwork; we’re fumbling in the dark, kind of) you probably do have control if you are the sole signator. However, getting her to cooperate, physically, may be another matter. Judicial remedies are probably possible but they often take time. Nevertheless, if the guy senses he’s making things difficult by his presence, and that it’s obstructing his relationship with her, any unpleasantness you create by starting a legal procedure may be enough to get him voluntarily to leave (possibly with her), and addtionally the landlord in that case may allow a sublet by a different female roommate if the couple leaves voluntarily in short order.

Live and learn. The next time, put in writing mutually agreed on policies (above & beyond what’s stated on the lease). Attach it to the lease and if necessary get it notarized. I just need to say, though, that a recently practicing Catholic female can become suddenly nonpracticing in the presence of sexual desire, so affiliation is no guarantee.

All of this brings back so many bad memories of similar housing situations in my “former life.” It’s bad enough that cohabitating and fornicating are epidemics, and without shame. It’s incomprehensible to me that, on top of that, such people seem also to lack privacy about their sexual activity. Not much different from dogs, cats, other animals, folks.

What I like about the idea of you forcing your roommate’s hand (vs. your giving up and moving out, if you can) is that it puts pressure on the guy, too. Where the hell does he live? (Excuse my french.) Oh, whoops, that was an unintended pun. I cannot stand it when guys presume that they can Do Their Thing at the girl’s address. Treat her like a tramp? She wants to behave like a tramp? Bring her to your own trampy place, sir!

Or get a motel, like normal sleazy people do.

Is there a spoon for me to gag with around here?

 

[Kay_Cee]

let her know that you wouldn’t force your morals and values on her, and you would appreciate it if she didn’t force her tolerance of immorality on you.

Excellent advice.

I would add that if you search for a new roommate, one place you might consider looking is at Church. Perhaps your parish has a bulletin board where you can put up an advertisement. When I needed a roommate, I asked the principal of our local Catholic school if she knew anybody. Not only did I get a Catholic roommate that way, we got to attend Mass together.

(You know, if I were in your shoes, I would be sorely tempted, next time your roommate and her boyfriend start going at it, to pray the rosary loud enough for them to hear it well. After all, if she’s allowed to do what she wants in her room, aren’t you allowed to do what you want in your room? Of course you know better than I do how such a thing would go over with her.)

 

[SugarMagnolia]

I really disagree with some of the advice here to use Catholic prayers and statues to harrass the roommate into leaving. It’s spiteful behavior and it’s a misuse of Catholic prayers and statues which should be used for devotion and not for spite.

Again, I say talk to the roommate openly and honestly about your feelings and listen to her feelings. There seems to me to be a double standard if your boyfriend is allowed to spend the night and hers isn’t. Just because you didn’t have sex with your boyfriend doesn’t change the fact that she had to cohabit (i.e. share a living room, kitchen and bathroom) with him. You don’t know how she felt when she came out of her bedroom in her nightclothes to see your boyfriend asleep on the sofa or how she felt about your boyfriend showering in the bathroom that she will then shower in.

Personally I think if you prohibit her boyfriend from sleeping over, yours shouldn’t sleep over either.

 

[Kay_Cee]

I really disagree with some of the advice here to use Catholic prayers and statues to harrass the roommate into leaving. It’s spiteful behavior and it’s a misuse of Catholic prayers and statues which should be used for devotion and not for spite.

Excuse me, but who said prayers should be used for spite? Do you not understand that using the smilie means it’s a joke? Why did you think I made all that parenthetical, thereby keeping it separate from the rest of the post?

Perhaps you should look at things more carefully before jumping to conclusions and judging others.

 

[Moontown_Rabbit]

Just start smoking. It is my experience that people will tolerate almost anything other than smoking. Once they have left you can use nicotine patches to break the habit.

 

[hellopeople]

Hey everyone,
So I’ve got a bit of a dilemma. My roommate has decided to have her boyfriend move in with us. We live in a two bedroom apartment.
She decided that this is “ok” because it’s her decision, and because my boyfriend came here a lot for the last 3 months of 2009 because I was having some personal issues. He slept on the couch, and was basically just around to make sure that if I was having any problems he could get me to a hospital. To make things clear–we are not sexually active, or anything like that, we just care about eachother a lot.
So anyways, back to my point–she’s letting him move in, sleep in her bedroom with her, they are VERY public about their sex life, and he often walks around in nothing but her housecoat, and it’s all making me horribly uncomfortable. And, to make things even harder to deal with, she was afraid she was pregnant about a week ago, and asked if i could take her to get an abortion if she was!! :bigyikes:
Basically, I’m wondering how to deal with this rationally, and ethically, and with good Catholic morals, because I’m starting to go CRAZY dealing with this. I can’t move out because it is a binding lease, and I’m the primary signature on the lease…
Help!!

You should just be straight up with her about it. Tell her you are uncomfortable with her boyfriend walking around in not enough clothing, you don’t believe in abortion, and you don’t want to hear about her sex life. Hopefully she can respect these things. If she fixes these things, I don’t think you should be worried about it. It is her life and she has her beliefs and can do what she pleases. It isn’t your place to get on a moral high horse and tell her what she should and shouldn’t do. But, she should respect your beliefs and change her habits so they do not make you uncomfortable.

 

[vera_dicere]

As with what others have said, talk to her, maybe you can both sit down and decide what each of you like and dislike about the other’s behaviour. Its got to be a two way street, if you go in with a list of things you can’t stand about her without giving her the opportunity to express her concerns it won’t end well.

And if that doesn’t work, you can go the passive aggressive route - tell the land lord to come over for a surprise inspection when you konw the boyfriend is going to be there and looking like he’s living there.

 

[SugarMagnolia]

Excuse me, but who said prayers should be used for spite? Do you not understand that using the smilie means it’s a joke? Why did you think I made all that parenthetical, thereby keeping it separate from the rest of the post?

Perhaps you should look at things more carefully before jumping to conclusions and judging others.

Sorry I misunderstood your joke Kay Cee.