[B]Honoring parents[/B]

[IAmNotWorthy14]

Trust is so important in family. As a child I was never trusted by my Mother. She would openly say I was not be trusted. It was a difficult way to grow up. Now, in adulthood, my Mother still does not trust me nor any member of our family and its led to harsh feelings caused by gossip, revisionist history of our lives, turning family stories which are painful, into anecdotes to laugh at, etc…

The lack of trust on my mothers part comes out in private conversations with siblings. She manipulates conversations to get answers, or gossips to get permission to feel a certain way about someone through collusion. She consistently emasculates my father, both in conversation and when he is present. That one really hurts me, terribly. I love my dad and i hate to see him shot down for the most of innocent of comment (i know he’s chosen to live with it, but it doesn’t have to play out in front of us or the grandchildren) It’s so completely messed up.

I recently confronted my mother and told her I thought she was insincere about something she did for me. She didn’t like it and left before we could get to the bottom of it. It’s never her fault and these things happen with other people in our family too.

I talked to my siblings about leaving me out of conversations that might lead to gossip, even if they have to endure the stink eye - just leave my name out of it. Two of my siblings can do it, I think. One can’t. The one that can’t is dysfunctionally connected to my mother and wouldn’t think of hurting her feelings even if what she’s doing is wrong.

To top of all this off, my mother is staunch catholic. my siblings are catholic, I am catholic. And none of us, according to my mother, is doing that right either. Like I said, Messed up.

I wonder, by confronting my mother, if I’ve broken a commandment. My dysfunctional sibling would say, yes. My heart and soul and says, no. But I still wonder. I knew that confronting her would make her cry. That is the go to reaction when she is confronted. So, did I fail to honor her in confronting her?

Should I go on to tell her how her speculation and gossip are hurting our entire family? at least from my perspective, that is. Or should I just leave it where it is and politely bow out of any further conversations regarding any other family members and their life issues? I have also taken part in these speculations and gossip sessions and now feel remorseful. I dont want to be part of it anymore.

(I know this is not a clear, concise description but the story is longer than this blog might allow!)

 

[PaulinVA]

I think you honor your mother by wanting a closer, more healthy relationship. Working on that is hard and might cause bad feelings. But the goal is admirable.

 

[robwar]

Trust is so important in family. As a child I was never trusted by my Mother. She would openly say I was not be trusted. It was a difficult way to grow up. Now, in adulthood, my Mother still does not trust me nor any member of our family and its led to harsh feelings caused by gossip, revisionist history of our lives, turning family stories which are painful, into anecdotes to laugh at, etc…

The lack of trust on my mothers part comes out in private conversations with siblings. She manipulates conversations to get answers, or gossips to get permission to feel a certain way about someone through collusion. She consistently emasculates my father, both in conversation and when he is present. That one really hurts me, terribly. I love my dad and i hate to see him shot down for the most of innocent of comment (i know he’s chosen to live with it, but it doesn’t have to play out in front of us or the grandchildren) It’s so completely messed up.

I recently confronted my mother and told her I thought she was insincere about something she did for me. She didn’t like it and left before we could get to the bottom of it. It’s never her fault and these things happen with other people in our family too.

I talked to my siblings about leaving me out of conversations that might lead to gossip, even if they have to endure the stink eye - just leave my name out of it. Two of my siblings can do it, I think. One can’t. The one that can’t is dysfunctionally connected to my mother and wouldn’t think of hurting her feelings even if what she’s doing is wrong.

To top of all this off, my mother is staunch catholic. my siblings are catholic, I am catholic. And none of us, according to my mother, is doing that right either. Like I said, Messed up.

I wonder, by confronting my mother, if I’ve broken a commandment. My dysfunctional sibling would say, yes. My heart and soul and says, no. But I still wonder. I knew that confronting her would make her cry. That is the go to reaction when she is confronted. So, did I fail to honor her in confronting her?

Should I go on to tell her how her speculation and gossip are hurting our entire family? at least from my perspective, that is. Or should I just leave it where it is and politely bow out of any further conversations regarding any other family members and their life issues? I have also taken part in these speculations and gossip sessions and now feel remorseful. I dont want to be part of it anymore.

(I know this is not a clear, concise description but the story is longer than this blog might allow!)

I am sorry about your mother. I think you are going to have to accept the fact that she isn’t going to change and your idea to just leave it and politely bow out is the best solution for you. You are not going to change her and her unhealthy controlling pattern nor are you able to change what your siblings do or don’t do. To end the speculation and gossip in your family is going to have to take all of the sibs and having them be on one page and together telling her to stop it. It doesn’t sound like that is going to happen and I am sure she knows how the pit one sib against another. The best thing to do and the healthiest is walk away and not engage in it in trying to stop it. There is confusion about honoring one’s parents and obeying one’s parents. They are not the same thing at all. The relationship between your parents again isn’t going to change unless your dad who sounds very passive decides he had enough and start standing up for himself and setting boundaries. You are an adult now and the best thing from what you have shared here is to keep cordial relationship as much as possible, stick with clear boundaries lines in that you are not going to add to or participate in negativity and gossip and pray for your family.

 

[IAmNotWorthy14]

Thank you for the feedback. I did not raise my voice or use profanity when I confronted my Mom. Just stated my feeling.

 

[robwar]

Thank you for the feedback. I did not raise my voice or use profanity when I confronted my Mom. Just stated my feeling.

Then I really don’t think you did anything wrong. Setting boundaries with someone that never had them before is going to be hard on them. Telling her what your honest feelings are is not dishonoring her and the fact that she cried and gave you an over reaction is another way someone like her controls others. The more you don’t give into her hystrionics the better you will be.