Baby shower invitation problem

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I have 2 step sisters. One called me a few weeks ago to ask when I was having my baby shower because she lives out of town and wants to make arrangements to be there. Her full sister (my other step sister) is a lesbian. I would like to invite them both, however when she went to my sister in laws baby shower, she brought her girlfriend and they were very affectionate with one another (sitting on laps, holding hands, etc) at the shower. I love her very much, and while I don’t agree with her choices, I also don’t want to judge her. However, I will have many Christian friends present who may not feel comfortable. Honestly though, my biggest concern is that my 5 year old daughter will be present and to be honest…I’m not ready to have that conversation with her yet. So, is it okay to invite one step sister and not the other and how do I do so delicately without hurting feelings?
 
Abundant said:
I have 2 step sisters. One called me a few weeks ago to ask when I was having my baby shower because she lives out of town and wants to make arrangements to be there. Her full sister (my other step sister) is a lesbian. I would like to invite them both, however when she went to my sister in laws baby shower, she brought her girlfriend and they were very affectionate with one another (sitting on laps, holding hands, etc) at the shower. I love her very much, and while I don’t agree with her choices, I also don’t want to judge her. However, I will have many Christian friends present who may not feel comfortable. Honestly though, my biggest concern is that my 5 year old daughter will be present and to be honest…I’m not ready to have that conversation with her yet. So, is it okay to invite one step sister and not the other and how do I do so delicately without hurting feelings?
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Does the girlfriend have to come? I mean, it would also be awkward if one of your other friends brought her boyfriend and was affectionate with him at the baby shower, right? Can you at all invite your step sisters and not their significant others? If this would create a rift, I might suggest telling your step sister what you have explained in your post: you feel uncomfortable with having her girlfriend there if she is going to be overly affectionate and you would prefer it if her girlfriend would not come or, depending on how comfortable you are, refrain from romantic gestures (which, seeing as it is your baby shower, is a completely reasonable request).
 
It would be tough because they live together and even though it’s not legal in my state, they wear wedding rings and consider themselves married. Both of my kids know I have another step sister, but they have never actually met her because we aren’t as close. I would feel awkward telling her to not be affectionate. It’s ALL very awkward come to think of it!

I was thinking about not inviting her and if asked just say that we don’t see each other or talk much and I didn’t want her to feel obligated to buy a gift. (Which is also true, but only a partial truth.)
 
This is the problem of the host, not the guest of honor. In the case of a baby shower or a bridal or wedding shower, these are not supposed to be the same person. Traditionally, it is even frowned upon for immediate family to host these events, since the goal is to solicit gift-giving. Polite people do not host parties in their own honor in order to get presents.

If by “your” shower you mean that you are throwing a shower for someone else, you can ask the guest of honor about this kind of thing, if you like, but you don’t have to. If by “your” shower, you mean a party being thrown for you, if the host does not ask, you don’t dictate. You give her your sister’s name, and you don’t name friends unless the host asks you to do so. You may mention that there are lesbians on the list, but that you have not included their partners because no one else’s partners are being invited.

As a sister, however, you can tell any sibling, gay or straight, that they are invited to a function at which public displays of affection between romantic partners are inappropriate, excepting those gestures that might have been extended to anyone present. You have standing to lean on family members to observe social proprieties, IOW.
 
This is a party being thrown in my honor by a friend. She asked me for names and addresses of family members to send invitations to and I don’t know whether to include her or not.
 
Abundant said:
It would be tough because they live together and even though it’s not legal in my state, they wear wedding rings and consider themselves married. Both of my kids know I have another step sister, but they have never actually met her because we aren’t as close. I would feel awkward telling her to not be affectionate. It’s ALL very awkward come to think of it!

I was thinking about not inviting her and if asked just say that we don’t see each other or talk much and I didn’t want her to feel obligated to buy a gift. (Which is also true, but only a partial truth.)
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You aren’t throwing yourself a shower, are you? This is a violation of etiquette. It is also unusual to throw a baby shower for someone who already has a child, not unless the last baby was eight or ten years ago. (Five years is kind of a push, but I’d say ‘no’.)
 
Abundant said:
This is a party being thrown in my honor by a friend. She asked me for names and addresses of family members to send invitations to and I don’t know whether to include her or not.
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For your second child? It is a bit much to ask people to travel for a shower (which is supposed to be a low-key event), but especially for a second child.

Don’t invite either sister. Tell your sister out of town that you have decided it was enough that she came for the first one, you’re going to keep this guest list down to people your hostess knows, and that you’ll be happy to have your sisters come when the baby does.
 
Include or exclude them both, to single one out for an invitation is create hurt feelings (or worse) with the other one and most families don’t need that kind of drama.
 
Catholic1954 said:
Include or exclude them both, to single one out for an invitation is create hurt feelings (or worse) with the other one and most families don’t need that kind of drama.
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The only other alternative is to say that it isn’t a couples event, so that it would not be fair to invite the sister’s partner and no one else’s, but to make the party smaller is the more graceful way to go in this case, IMHO.
 
EasterJoy said:
For your second child? It is a bit much to ask people to travel for a shower (which is supposed to be a low-key event), but especially for a second child.

Don’t invite either sister. Tell your sister out of town that you have decided it was enough that she came for the first one, you’re going to keep this guest list down to people your hostess knows, and that you’ll be happy to have your sisters come when the baby does.
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This is for my 3rd child (youngest will be 6 and is a girl, and this is a boy so I have nothing left!) and my plan was as you said not to invite either one. Then, the one I am closest to called to ask when it is because she wants to come. She’s out of town, but in driving distance. I hosted her first shower and we have kids the same age and talk regularly.

I think I’ll take the advice of just saying that it’s not a “couples” party. There will be no husbands present, so that means no “wives” too…

This is so weird! Who would have ever thought?? I guess that’s a discussion for another day or another thread at least!
 
Abundant said:
This is for my 3rd child (youngest will be 6 and is a girl, and this is a boy so I have nothing left!) and my plan was as you said not to invite either one. Then, the one I am closest to called to ask when it is because she wants to come. She’s out of town, but in driving distance. I hosted her first shower and we have kids the same age and talk regularly.

I think I’ll take the advice of just saying that it’s not a “couples” party. There will be no husbands present, so that means no “wives” too…

This is so weird! Who would have ever thought?? I guess that’s a discussion for another day or another thread at least!
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It is strange. Still, it is OK to point out to your sister (or to have your other sister do it for you) that it is not polite to the other guests to make an exception for her and no one else’s spouse.
 
My sister was in this same situation with her MIL and her MIL’s female partner when planning one of her kids birthday parties. She simply explained that she wasn’t ready to have a talk with her kids about sex and sexuality of any kind and did not want her other guests made uncomfortable, so could the same-sex couple please tone down the PDA and they did. 🤷 Why make it a bid deal? Just put it out there politely and see what happens. Either they’ll understand or they won’t expect invitations to your events.
 
MJJean said:
My sister was in this same situation with her MIL and her MIL’s female partner when planning one of her kids birthday parties. She simply explained that she wasn’t ready to have a talk with her kids about sex and sexuality of any kind and did not want her other guests made uncomfortable, so could the same-sex couple please tone down the PDA and they did. 🤷 Why make it a bid deal? Just put it out there politely and see what happens. Either they’ll understand or they won’t expect invitations to your events.
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This sounds like the best bet, if you are able to do it with the most kindness. You will probably run into the situation again and it will be difficult to keep coming up with excuses.
 
EasterJoy said:
For your second child? It is a bit much to ask people to travel for a shower (which is supposed to be a low-key event), but especially for a second child.

Don’t invite either sister. Tell your sister out of town that you have decided it was enough that she came for the first one, you’re going to keep this guest list down to people your hostess knows, and that you’ll be happy to have your sisters come when the baby does.
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Why should a shower be more low key or inferior in any way just because it’s not the first baby?
 
According to the traditional rules of etiquette showers are given when someone enters a new stage of life such as a new bride or first time mother. The guest of honor receives things that she did not need in her previous state in life. That is why showers are not traditionally given for babies after the first. Of course it was always been considered proper to give a gift when any new baby is born. Showers were not given for second marriages either. As we all know these rules are not followed much anymore, but this is what they were to answer the question about showers for a second baby.
 
MacQ said:
Why should a shower be more low key or inferior in any way just because it’s not the first baby?
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It’s considered tacky and uncouth to have more than one SHOWER (ie gift-soliciting party), and ithe one usually occurs during the first pregnancy. It would be fine to have a nice no-gifts party to celebrate any baby that comes later.
 
With regard to the original question, the proper answer is to tell your friend that you are not interested in having a second shower, but thank her sincerely for offering.
 
Marysann said:
According to the traditional rules of etiquette showers are given when someone enters a new stage of life such as a new bride or first time mother. The guest of honor receives things that she did not need in her previous state in life. That is why showers are not traditionally given for babies after the first. Of course it was always been considered proper to give a gift when any new baby is born. Showers were not given for second marriages either. As we all know these rules are not followed much anymore, but this is what they were to answer the question about showers for a second baby.
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Ok…thanks for the clarification.
 
Avocadomom said:
It’s considered tacky and uncouth to have more than one SHOWER (ie gift-soliciting party), and ithe one usually occurs during the first pregnancy. It would be fine to have a nice no-gifts party to celebrate any baby that comes later.
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I see. Thanks for the clarification.
 
I would like to know why it is considered acceptable for people on a forum message board who know nothing about the OP and whose opinions haven’t been asked for about a baby shower for a third baby, to comment on whether her friend should give her a baby shower and even advising her to decline her friend’s invitation? I consider THAT to be" uncouth" and out of line.

She asked a simple question and wanted some advice on how to handle the situation. She does not need to defend her friend giving her the baby shower. That is totally off-topic, does not answer the question, and also is nobody’s business.

To the OP: you’ve received some good advice here, esp. in posts 11 and 12. And enjoy your shower which your friend is kind enough to give you.
 
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