Baby Shower Woes

[catholicmom2007]

My husband and I are recent converts and I left my public school to teach at a local catholic school. Up until yesterday no one had offered to give me a baby shower. It made me really depressed because I feel I’ve ostracized myself from my old church and school. No one knows how to behave around us because we’re different now. My new school hasn’t offered either. I’m almost 34 weeks and on bedrest. I had come to terms with it and finally just felt I didn’t want one anymore. It was depressing because anyone who offered now would do it out of pity or obligation because no one else had.

Now I found out that my old school is going to have a come and go shower for me in two weeks. Not a formal shower, just people brining lunch dishes and gifts. I probably won’t even get to see everyone because I’m on bedrest and won’t be able to be up for more than 30-45 minutes.

We still need a ton of things for the baby and because I’m in bedrest early, I’m not getting paid and we can’t afford all the things we need so I’m grateful that some stuff will be taken care of, but I’m so depressed that no one thought of me earlier or didn’t care. It’s not about the stuff; I just am sad that no one though enough about me to plan a real shower. I don’t have any siblings or cousins. My sisters-in-laws (husbands brothers wives) live over 4 hours away, and none of them have offered.

I know I’m being incredibly selfish, but it makes me really sad. Do I just need to get over it and chalk it up to hormones?

 

[pensmama87]

I know I’m being incredibly selfish, but it makes me really sad. Do I just need to get over it and chalk it up to hormones?

I think yes, but I know that’s not very fun to hear right now.

Are you familiar with Miss Manners? Reading her advice (and there’s lots of it) on showers and gift-giving occasions is funny and a good remedy for the “woe is me” feelings that can afflict nearly everybody from time to time.

The thing is, nobody is “owed” a shower, and etiquette says they shouldn’t be thrown by relatives. Also, you will be having a shower after all, and even though it’s not perfectly what you envisioned, you will probably get most of the essentials, and of course you will be able to graciously thank everyone by note even if you don’t see them in person. And after you have the baby, you will hopefully be able to visit then!

I am sorry that your pregnancy has been difficult.

 

[catholicmom2007]

Thank you! You’re right and I’ll look up Miss Manners. It is very selfish and pride is the main sin I’ve been battling my whole life. I suppose I just felt left out as my wedding shower was huge and I had 3 of them. Thank you for your advice and prayers are definitely appreciated.

 

[Xantippe]

I think yes, but I know that’s not very fun to hear right now.

Are you familiar with Miss Manners? Reading her advice (and there’s lots of it) on showers and gift-giving occasions is funny and a good remedy for the “woe is me” feelings that can afflict nearly everybody from time to time.

The thing is, nobody is “owed” a shower, and etiquette says they shouldn’t be thrown by relatives. Also, you will be having a shower after all, and even though it’s not perfectly what you envisioned, you will probably get most of the essentials, and of course you will be able to graciously thank everyone by note even if you don’t see them in person. And after you have the baby, you will hopefully be able to visit then!

I am sorry that your pregnancy has been difficult.

Yep.

Judith Martin is really good about showers and other stuff like that.

Believe it or not, I had to have my THIRD child before anybody ever threw me a baby shower. With our first, we had just moved to a big new city and didn’t know anybody (I’d worked about three months and then been laid off post 9/11 and then our first was born about a year after we’d moved to the new city). With our second, we had moved from the suburbs to the city, and I still didn’t really know anybody. (But along the way, I did get lots of care packages from grandmas with baby and toddler clothes.) Then we moved to a much smaller, friendlier Bible Belt college town, we made friends, and then when I was pregnant with my third, I finally got a baby shower!!! I was so thrilled! I had gestational diabetes, and one of the invitees made a nut-crust cheesecake. It was amazing after weeks of deprivation. I had almost all the baby stuff I needed at that point, so I just asked for bibs.

I think you’re going to be surprised how much stuff you wind up getting. I would suggest a wait-and-see attitude with regard to baby stuff shopping as long as possible, as stuff has a way of appearing. With my first two, I would jump the gun and buy full seasonal wardrobes for my kids and then I’d get just as much from the grandmas or from my sister and wind up with way too much. So, I’ve learned to be more patient.

Also, a lot of people have equipment that they are keeping, so if you make inquiries, you may be able to do very well with regard to borrowing large expensive items that you only need for a few months.

Good luck!

 

[Bonnie]

At least you know that people will be coming. When I was given a baby shower, the only person who came was the person who arranged it. Turned out there was some big do at the church the same day. Very depressing.

I have the book “Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.” She’s a hoot. I’ll never need the information on how to set a formal table with its various wine glasses, but her replies to questions gave me a lot of laughs.

She is also on-line.

 

[fencersmother]

I’m sorry you are sad, but really, your life will go happily on without a baby (or bridal or any other kind of) shower.

I never had one. I simply bought what we needed or we did without. At least you might have access to the internet while on bedrest which we did not have back in the day.

Bed rest can be discouraging. Do you knit or crochet? Can you learn?? That would take up some of your time and you could think of someone else who is less fortunate. Someone who has no college education or who is homeless, or for whom life’s circumstances make bedrest impossible.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

Hormones can really wreak havoc.

 

[seagal]

Now I found out that my old school is going to have a come and go shower for me in two weeks. Not a formal shower, just people brining lunch dishes and gifts. I probably won’t even get to see everyone because I’m on bedrest and won’t be able to be up for more than 30-45 minutes.

We still need a ton of things for the baby and because I’m in bedrest early, I’m not getting paid and we can’t afford all the things we need so I’m grateful that some stuff will be taken care of, but I’m so depressed that no one thought of me earlier or didn’t care. It’s not about the stuff; I just am sad that no one though enough about me to plan a real shower. I don’t have any siblings or cousins. My sisters-in-laws (husbands brothers wives) live over 4 hours away, and none of them have offered.

I know I’m being incredibly selfish, but it makes me really sad. Do I just need to get over it and chalk it up to hormones?

No one, including you, knew that you would be on bed rest early, so feeling bad because they didn’t plan a shower before now is a little beside the point. At this point, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy a shower anyway because you couldn’t really even be there. Isn’t it thoughtful (or serendipitous) that your school is having a come and go shower so you won’t be overtaxed by having a crowd over? Is it possible for you to be set up a comfy chair with foot rest, or a lounger, something you can rest in, to greet people as they come?

I know how it feels thinking that no one cares about you, and the hormones aren’t helping either. But remember, the people from your old school planned something even though you don’t work there anymore. Rather than ostracizing you, that shows how much they care about you.

 

[Xantippe]

At least you know that people will be coming. When I was given a baby shower, the only person who came was the person who arranged it. Turned out there was some big do at the church the same day. Very depressing.

That is so much worse than no baby shower! The only way it could be worse is if the organizer didn’t come.

 

[Xantippe]

No one, including you, knew that you would be on bed rest early, so feeling bad because they didn’t plan a shower before now is a little beside the point. At this point, you wouldn’t be able to enjoy a shower anyway because you couldn’t really even be there. Isn’t it thoughtful (or serendipitous) that your school is having a come and go shower so you won’t be overtaxed by having a crowd over? Is it possible for you to be set up a comfy chair with foot rest, or a lounger, something you can rest in, to greet people as they come?

I know how it feels thinking that no one cares about you, and the hormones aren’t helping either. But remember, the people from your old school planned something even though you don’t work there anymore. Rather than ostracizing you, that shows how much they care about you.

A friend who was on bedrest had a baby shower in her very own home. Her mom was staying with her to take care of her, so I’m sure that made everything much more feasible. My friend just sat there like a good girl and we all had a fabulous time.

Also, there’s also a southern (I think) thing called a sip n’ see for after the baby is born, where people come by to see the baby, drop off a gift (hopefully!) and drink adult beverages. I’m not sure on the etiquette for those, because I only heard about it for the first time a couple years ago. It might be possible to throw one for yourself, but it might be kind of a pain postpartum.

Best wishes!

 

[Cricket2]

Let this one go dear. Be grateful for those that do give you something you need and just concentrate on having a healthy baby and staying well yourself. A healthy mom and baby are much more important than a baby shower. Believe me.

 

[mommamaree]

I am coming out of self-imposed lurkdom, just to respond to this thread.

I remember a few years ago, an acquaintance of mine was in your same situation. She was in our town with her husband for work, but they were from France. All their family and friends were far away. She was pregnant, and was on bedrest. Like, the hooked up to an IV and cannot be up for more than a half an hour type of bedrest. Pregnancy made her so ill and weak. But she went through RCIA with me and my husband, and we were pregnant at the same time. Her sponsor in RCIA threw a baby shower for her, along with a couple French ex-pats living in the area who had befriended her. They hosted the shower in her home, but handled all decorations and cleanup. We arrived at the appointed time, and she came out and joined us for a half an hour of showering her with gifts and sharing her happiness. She was hooked up to her IV pump the whole time. At the end of half an hour, the hostesses shooed everyone out and back home, and she went back to bed. It was short but sweet, and a few weeks later, she gave birth to a healthy baby.

So don’t feel bad. Showers usually happen at the end of pregnancy anyway, and your friends from your old school are trying to show their love for you by accommodating your special needs right now. Enjoy your shower and take good care of yourself by resting as much as you can. God bless you!

 

[ela2]

At least you are getting a sort of a shower. I got nothing and my son was the first boy for Inlaws. (I don’t have anyone from my side). We had nothing but a few clothes. Providence came in the form of a generous woman, a couple of weeks before birth, who gave us all her children’s clothes and baby gear, everything! It was more than I had asked for! know it’s not about things…

But just in case you don’t get something you think you need…all that a newborn really needs is diapers, a blanket and your skin (formula if you’re not breastfeeding). But that’s just me, I’m a minimalist.

But I understand the need to be thought of and remembered. It shows that it is something you would do for someone who was in your position.

God bless you and wish you all the best!

 

[Linybaby]

I personally never had a baby shower. I don’t have much family and I did not know a whole lot of people in my new town. What we did was buy baby stuff all throughout the nine months.

I personally don’t like bridal or baby showers. When I had my bridal shower I felt weird having a party and inviting people over and basically asking them for gifts. I hate attention and making people feel they have to buy me a gift. So it didn’t really bother me.

I do have to be honest because I don’t know a lot of people I did feel bad about being in the hospital and not having many visitors. Seeing visitors all in the halls going into all the rooms except me. I never did get flowers either. My aunt, sent me a gift card and said she thought it would be more helpful than flowers and that she thought my room would have been full of flowers anyway. When she heard I received none, she felt bad saying all new moms get flowers"… Not me…

Don’t feel bad not everyone gets a baby shower. Just enjoy your time awaiting for your baby. I know it’s bed rest, and I have been there… God bless you and your family.

 

[Xantippe]

I do have to be honest because I don’t know a lot of people I did feel bad about being in the hospital and not having many visitors. Seeing visitors all in the halls going into all the rooms except me. I never did get flowers either. My aunt, sent me a gift card and said she thought it would be more helpful than flowers and that she thought my room would have been full of flowers anyway. When she heard I received none, she felt bad saying all new moms get flowers"… Not me…

It is kind of a pain at discharge to move out mom, the baby, all of mom’s stuff, a car seat, and a vase full of flowers. Nice to have flowers while you’re there, of course.

 

[PhiloMed]

I think others have addressed the issue of not everyone getting a baby shower and nobody being entitled to one, so I’ll let that rest.

I did want to comment on your concern about not having everything you need.

As much as it’s overwhelming just how much babies need…they really don’t need most of the things we get.

We had very tiny living quarters when my son was born, so I was determined to not add too much clutter.

The necessities were: something to sleep in (crib, bassinet, pack-n-play- whatever you think is most practical; something to wear; burp cloths; a few receiving blankets; pacifiers if you’re going that route; formula/bottles/breast pump depending on what you’re doing; something to bathe them in and gentle soap; a carseat; a stroller.

Just about everything else we eventually filled in over time. There are many other things I would put on my “must have” list, but honestly we got by just fine for several weeks without most of them. We very carefully chose what came into the home because we just didn’t have the space.

 

[Linybaby]

It is kind of a pain at discharge to move out mom, the baby, all of mom’s stuff, a car seat, and a vase full of flowers. Nice to have flowers while you’re there, of course.

Yes, but lucky for me I wouldn’t be the one that needed to carry all the stuff . I had a c-section so I was in the hospital for 4 days both times, so they would have brightened up my room. Oh well

 

[UbiCaritas]

I personally never had a baby shower. I don’t have much family and I did not know a whole lot of people in my new town. What we did was buy baby stuff all throughout the nine months.

I personally don’t like bridal or baby showers. When I had my bridal shower I felt weird having a party and inviting people over and basically asking them for gifts. I hate attention and making people feel they have to buy me a gift. So it didn’t really bother me.

I do have to be honest because I don’t know a lot of people I did feel bad about being in the hospital and not having many visitors. Seeing visitors all in the halls going into all the rooms except me. I never did get flowers either. My aunt, sent me a gift card and said she thought it would be more helpful than flowers and that she thought my room would have been full of flowers anyway. When she heard I received none, she felt bad saying all new moms get flowers"… Not me…

Don’t feel bad not everyone gets a baby shower. Just enjoy your time awaiting for your baby. I know it’s bed rest, and I have been there… God bless you and your family.

I could have practically written this. When I was pregnant, I’d moved to a new city to live with my husband not that long before. His coworkers threw me a shower, which was very, very sweet of them, but more than a bit awkward for me. I loathe being the center of attention at that kind of thing…

Likewise, when I had DD, I had a C-section and didn’t have any girlfriends or family in the area to come and visit/coo at baby/tell me I was doing ok. DH’s coworkers came to visit, and again, it was sweet of them to come…but if anything, that was more stressful than pleasant because I felt really uncomfortable seeing people I didn’t know really, really well while wearing a hospital gown and trying to figure out breastfeeding. I would have just about given an arm for one close girlfriend to hang out with for a little while. And flowers would have been sooooo nice. Totally not necessary, but nice, y’know?

OP, I do hear ya on the shower. If I had to guess, it’s one of those small but painful things, and perhaps a reminder of being rather alone at a time when one doesn’t want to be alone. That is rough, and I’m sorry. (((hugs))) If it’s any consolation, if I knew you I’d throw you one, and believe me, I throw a darn good party. I also know how mind-numbingly lonesome and boring bed rest can be, especially when you don’t have many close friends around to visit. Can you set up Skype on your phone or computer so that you can call people?

 

[catholicmom2007]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I’ve been registered for almost 2 weeks now but nothing has been bought on my registry. Literally nothing. The shower is Tuesday. If I go in and there are no gifts, how do I keep from crying? My husband said he’s worried no one saw the invitation posted in the teachers lounge so they may not know. It’s truly not about gifts. I just don’t want my hormones to get the best of me in public if people forgot about the shower. Help.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I’ve been registered for almost 2 weeks now but nothing has been bought on my registry. Literally nothing. The shower is Tuesday. If I go in and there are no gifts, how do I keep from crying? My husband said he’s worried no one saw the invitation posted in the teachers lounge so they may not know. It’s truly not about gifts. I just don’t want my hormones to get the best of me in public if people forgot about the shower. Help.

People may actually have their own ideas, especially if they are parents.

Don’t despair!