Baby showers for pregnant teens?

[leonie]

tldm.org/News8/UnwedMothers.htm

Here’s one article.

Popenoe and his group at Rutgers confirmed that the increased prevalence of unwed mothers is bad news for children. Swedish researchers documented that children raised by single parents are twice as likely to suffer from psychiatric problems, suicide and other injuries as those raised in intact two-parent homes.

US data suggested children reared by one birth parent are twice as likely to drop out of school or become teenage parents, regardless of a parent’s education credentials. They’re also one-and-a-half times more likely to be jobless after leaving school.

 

[deb1]

After seeing my poor nephew reared by my sister who had him as a teenager–I’m very compassionate towards kids that aren’t reared in a two parent home. I trully hope that **all **unwed teen mothers choose adoption. really.

I think that the word, all, is what is getting you in trouble, Leonie. You probably didn’t mean to make such a blanket statement, but that is how it is being read.

I would also agree that in most situations a two parent home is best, but most situations does not mean all. My husband, for example, grew up in a two parent home in which he was physcially abused by his father. I can’t say that he would have been worse off if his mom had left his Dad and she had fended for herself.

 

[rayne89]

My bestfriend was an unwed mother. The product of that is this teenage daughter. She got married at 17 and sacrificed everything for this girl. She’s still married (17 years) and has 3 beautiful children now. They a church going Christian family with a daughter who made a mistake.

I saw what my bestfriend went through when she was pregnant with her daughter at 16. I saw how people judged her, how family member tried to convince her to abort her child and she fought them all to protect her baby. Her daughter is now an A student, she is a talented dancer, and active in her church youth group. But she made a mistake and she will be paying for that with all things she will have to give up that she dreamed about.

I realize people outside the situation that don’t know the facts might be uncomfortable showing support but I thought family was supposed to support each other in times of crisis.

Here’s the kicker the accuser, the one who disapproves was pregnant as a teen -twice. The first she aborted and the second she miscarried. So when it comes to casting stones I don’t think she’s in any position to do so.

No, I don’t think younger cousins will be there but my 11 year old daughter will be and I have no problem with that. We’ve already talked about why it was wrong, that it was sinful and how this will change everything for her which is why God says this is supposed to be reserved for marriage because he loves us. But she also knows if she seeks forgiveness God will forgive her. We prayer for this girl, her unborn baby, her boyfriend and the family everynight.
She knows this isn’t a party celebrating what this girl did it’s celebrating the gift of life because all life is precious, and providing help for a child innocent of her parents mistakes.

As far as teenage friends, I don’t know if they’ll be there or not. I guess that would be up to the parents of the teens if their invited to make the decision whether they will allow their children to attend.

I knew posting this I would get opposing views. I appreciate all views even ones I don’t agree with.

 

[LeahInancsi]

I would go if this teen did not purposefully get pregnant so she would have some to love her, etc. Hopefully the sin has been confessed and forgiven. Make the best of God’s gift of the baby. If she is able to properly care for the baby with the support of her family, perhaps the baby is better off with her. On the other hand, if I had been in that situation at her age, I hope I would have had the wisdom to give the baby up for adoption.

I have found that Catholics seem to be much more accepting of illegitimate children than other religions primarily because we see the act of premarital sex as the sin as opposed to having and/or keeping the baby.

 

[Syele]

The proper thing to do is:

1. Pray for the girl and the baby
2. Pray about what God would have you do!
3. Let the girl know you are praying for her, that you care about her, and that you disapprove of her sin but are glad she is making better decesions (not aborting). Do this only in love. IF you can’t say it loving… let someone else do it.
4. Do what God leads you to do.

I am an unwed mother. I was raped and didn’t tell anyone how I got pregnant until My daughter was over a year old. Everyone just assumed the worst. A little church I attended though, gave me a baby shower, gave me hand me downs from their babies, prayed with me, visited my house weekly to check on me, encouraged me and one woman even came and told me God told her to give me $300 a month for the baby, as long as I lived in that town. I had been away from church for awhile and I’m not sure I’d have come back if that experience had been bad. be careful not to lead these girls AWAY from God.

If these girls are in church and are repentant of their sin, or if they are JUST IN CHURCH, show them nothing but love. Yes, it’s loving to say sin is sin, but you don’t have to focus on that.

 

[grandma]

As a 77 y.o. great-grandmother, I think if family and close friends want to have a baby shower for an unwed teen, fine. She has certainly had all the condemnation she can probably handle and needs the support and love of her family, friends and church. Adoption may be the right answer for some but not all. It depends on many things. I have a grandson who is the result of a teen pregnancy of my daughter. He is a wonderful young man who is within three years of retirement from the military. It was a very difficult time but we all pitched in and helped with a terrific result. In this day of easy access to abortion, a girl who chooses life should be given all the help she needs to get back on her feet and make a good life for herself and her child. grandma

 

[rayne89]

Such forms of public joy and celebration should be left to those who have persevered in virtue and not those who have not.

Or for those who did not get caught not preserving their virtue? So do ask every married expectant mother who is having a baby shower if she was a virgin on her wedding night before to decide to attend?

I understand that we don’t want to come across as saying everythings fine and dandy and it’s no big deal having sex outside of marriage.

But what a lot of people don’t get who aren’t close to the situation is that this girl already knows that. She is one who has had to give up dancing which is what she lives for. She gave up teaching little ones because she knows being a pregnant teen is not an appropriate example for young children. And she has been very discreet about her reasons for leaving so as not to scandalize these children.

She barely goes out anymore. She can’t look people in the eye because of her shame. She is a very bright girl, she had college dreams which may never be realized. She know things may not work out with her boyfriend and if they don’t that leaves her as someone with baggage which a lot of guys aren’t interested in. She had dreams that she knows are gone forever because she made the wrong choice. She loves her boyfriend (whom she’s dated for a year) and she thought that was a good enough reason to have sex outside of marriage. And there isn’t very much out there in this world that says otherwise. She certainly wan’t trying to get pregnant.

The thing is so many teenagers are having sex. The difference between them and her is they are using birth control or aborting so nobody sees there sins and the ones that choose life are the ones with out “virtue”.

I graduated in 1990. I went to a highschool in an upper middle class neighborhood where kids drove sports cars to school. Not one single girl I know from school, not the ones on the honor roll, not the atheletes, not the ones with church going parents who taught me catechism -not one girl I know walked across the stage on graduation a virgin. Does that excuse it? Absolutely not.

But that was more then 15 years ago and what went on then doesn’t hold a candle to what goes on now. Take a look on the internet, places like myspace where teenage girls look like they are trying out to be porn stars and they brag about their sex lives.

I understand not feeling comfortable going to a shower of an unwed mother because fear that you may condone a sinful act. I wouldn’t make that choice but I get why people might. But if the reason is because we only celebrate those who have perserved their virtue for married life then we’re really punishing girls for getting pregnant not for having sex outside of marriage. There is no way to know whether a woman was a virgin until marriage just because she didn’t get pregnant.

I struggled with how to tell our 11 year old about this situation and prayed to the Holy Spirit to guide me. I think I did a fairly decent job. I hope I’m also teaching her about compassion and forgiveness. And I hope I’m teaching we don’t ostracize the people we love because they make mistakes. That we reach out to them and be Christ to them -as I think we are called to be.

 

[rayne89]

By the way this not going to be some major public event. It will be held at a relative’s house with majority of attendees being family members.

 

[Jeanette_L]

“Love covers a multitude of sins.”

To behave in any way that is not completely loving is just wrong. Even if the girl is unrepentant, love can eventually turn that around.

We are not Puritans living in Salem, trying to shame everyone into righteousness. Those days are thankfully long gone. Is society a mess? Yes. But changing it is going to be a matter of how much can we love each other into the Kingdom, we’ve already tried it all the other ways and obviously it hasn’t worked out too well.

Just my :twocents: .

 

[rayne89]

.

The only thing I can think is that you don’t have unwed mothers in your family.

Leonie I think your solution was a good alternative bring a meal and present if your not comfortable with the situation.

As far as unwed mothers I think it’s because of knowing unwed mothers that I feel the way I do. My bestfriend and I have been like sisters since we were twelve. I saw how afraid she was when she found out she was pregnant, how hurt she was when people that were close to her tried to convince her to abort her baby. How hard she tried to be the best mom she could be and how much she sacrificed. How she became a wife and mother at 17, struggled in a very stressful marriage, went through several marriage counselors and fought to keep her marriage together when many would have walked away.

I remember when we were teens and she had her daughter with her how people talked her like she was an idiot or looked at her like she was a slut. And know about the people that whispered behind her back.

I know there are bad situations out there where children suffer greatly because of choices their parents made. I’ve seen on my husband’s side some of his cousins who brought children into this world who would have been much better off adopted. But not all unwed moms are terrible parents. My bestfriend was and is a great mom.

Besides my bestfriend and now her daughter, my husband’s mom got pregnant with him before she was married and I am adopted -the product of premarital sex. And I have another good friend who had an abortion when she was 19 because she was too afraid to face her family. Her suffering and her guilt for that choice has never ended. She ended up marrying the father and they now have 8 kids together but she is constantly fighting depression.

Like I said I am very close to the situation and I love this teenage girl dearly. I just don’t understand how a family member some one that bestfriend grew up with and is close to could be so hurtful. It wasn’t just “I’m not comfortable attending” it was much uglier then that.

Thankyou for sharing your thoughts. I’m sorry you felt attacked.

 

[Island_Oak]

As a 77 y.o. great-grandmother, I think if family and close friends want to have a baby shower for an unwed teen, fine. She has certainly had all the condemnation she can probably handle and needs the support and love of her family, friends and church. Adoption may be the right answer for some but not all. It depends on many things. I have a grandson who is the result of a teen pregnancy of my daughter. He is a wonderful young man who is within three years of retirement from the military. It was a very difficult time but we all pitched in and helped with a terrific result. In this day of easy access to abortion, a girl who chooses life should be given all the help she needs to get back on her feet and make a good life for herself and her child. grandma

Very wise post. Thanks for sharing your experience.

 

[mosher]

A friend of mine and I were discussing baby showers for unwed mothers (so I showed her these posts) and she asked this question.

What about bridal showers for those who are cohabitating and have decided to get married? When I assisted at PreCana there were numerous couples who were cohabitating (the priest knew about it and encouraged them to live apart until the wedding day) and it was obvious that most of them were just going through the motions & didn’t want to be there.

why is it ok to go to attend something like that when they are mocking the sacrament by “playing house” and causing scandal but then decide to do the right thing but still live together and not apart until the wedding. Why does the church consider them to not live in sin if they have chosen matrimony? any insight would be appreciated.

I would also not attend a bridal shower in that case and if I were the priest I would not marry the couple until they had lived apart for some time. That is the general policy at my parish and it is a good one.

 

[mosher]

Or for those who did not get caught not preserving their virtue? So do ask every married expectant mother who is having a baby shower if she was a virgin on her wedding night before to decide to attend?

I understand that we don’t want to come across as saying everythings fine and dandy and it’s no big deal having sex outside of marriage.

But what a lot of people don’t get who aren’t close to the situation is that this girl already knows that. She is one who has had to give up dancing which is what she lives for. She gave up teaching little ones because she knows being a pregnant teen is not an appropriate example for young children. And she has been very discreet about her reasons for leaving so as not to scandalize these children.

She barely goes out anymore. She can’t look people in the eye because of her shame. She is a very bright girl, she had college dreams which may never be realized. She know things may not work out with her boyfriend and if they don’t that leaves her as someone with baggage which a lot of guys aren’t interested in. She had dreams that she knows are gone forever because she made the wrong choice. She loves her boyfriend (whom she’s dated for a year) and she thought that was a good enough reason to have sex outside of marriage. And there isn’t very much out there in this world that says otherwise. She certainly wan’t trying to get pregnant.

The thing is so many teenagers are having sex. The difference between them and her is they are using birth control or aborting so nobody sees there sins and the ones that choose life are the ones with out “virtue”.

I graduated in 1990. I went to a highschool in an upper middle class neighborhood where kids drove sports cars to school. Not one single girl I know from school, not the ones on the honor roll, not the atheletes, not the ones with church going parents who taught me catechism -not one girl I know walked across the stage on graduation a virgin. Does that excuse it? Absolutely not.

But that was more then 15 years ago and what went on then doesn’t hold a candle to what goes on now. Take a look on the internet, places like myspace where teenage girls look like they are trying out to be porn stars and they brag about their sex lives.

I understand not feeling comfortable going to a shower of an unwed mother because fear that you may condone a sinful act. I wouldn’t make that choice but I get why people might. But if the reason is because we only celebrate those who have perserved their virtue for married life then we’re really punishing girls for getting pregnant not for having sex outside of marriage. There is no way to know whether a woman was a virgin until marriage just because she didn’t get pregnant.

I struggled with how to tell our 11 year old about this situation and prayed to the Holy Spirit to guide me. I think I did a fairly decent job. I hope I’m also teaching her about compassion and forgiveness. And I hope I’m teaching we don’t ostracize the people we love because they make mistakes. That we reach out to them and be Christ to them -as I think we are called to be.

On one level I empathize with the situation but on the other hand it is improper to give public approval of an objectively wrong situation. Support of many kinds is necessary in this kind of situation but on the same token even tacit public approval of scandal is a scandal itself. We can’t let emotions drive our judgment about such serious issues.

 

[mosher]

“Love covers a multitude of sins.”

To behave in any way that is not completely loving is just wrong. Even if the girl is unrepentant, love can eventually turn that around.

We are not Puritans living in Salem, trying to shame everyone into righteousness. Those days are thankfully long gone. Is society a mess? Yes. But changing it is going to be a matter of how much can we love each other into the Kingdom, we’ve already tried it all the other ways and obviously it hasn’t worked out too well.

Just my :twocents: .

On the contrary the pendulum has swung too far the other way. We could do with a little shame in our culture - it is a tough but good medicine.

 

[leonie]

After reading the posts this morning, I think my opinion has been misinterpreted. I don’t want to shame the mother in any way.

The reason I am advocating no baby shower is because so many young girls have “baby hunger.” It may be hard to imagine, but girls have a natural desire to have a baby anyway. I am worried that a girl in this situation who sees a teen like herself, esp. one she admires who is really talented, like the girl you are describing, might seek to imitate her. When I was in high school and when I taught high school (all years ago), I saw this all the time. And, it’s got to be worse now.

Just think what a baby shower is. There’s all these adorable clothes and gadgets. All the ladies are making over the mom.

I’ve read that over half of teenage girls think it is okay for an married teenage girl to have a baby.

It’s not the sinful behavior that I think we have to make some sort of statement on. It’s this baby hunger.

As far as adoption, I still believe that children of unmarried teens would be better off in a two parent family. Of course, that is the choice of the mother and father of the baby. But, I still think an unmarried teen should be open to that throughout the pregnancy.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

When I was a pregnant, unmarried teenager, I was so glad that people ralied round and donated stuff for the baby. The harshest critcism I reserved for myself, and I did not need to be shamed, when I already was.
The hardest part was seeing and knowing that my friends were in sexual relationships, the only difference was, by using contraception, theirs was a sin hidden from the public eye.
You needn’t orstricise this girl-I’m sure she already feels this way herself.

 

[KathleenElsie]

When people give a shower for the future mother to celebrate the pregnancy it can be misconstrued by others as approval of the sexual relationship prior to marriage.

On the other hand IMHO it should be made quite clear that the gifts are for the baby and that the celebration is for the new life to come into the world. Not to celebrate the fact that the un-wed mother got pregnant.

Celebration and support are two quite differing things. We should celebrate the new life and support the mother in her decision to give birth.

We should not celebrate the relationship that led to the pregnancy. We should support the decision to place for adoption or raise the child as we are able.

My opinion only is. I will not go to a second shower unless the mother is married to the father. The first is support the second IMHO is enabling.

 

[rayne89]

After reading the posts this morning, I think my opinion has been misinterpreted. I don’t want to shame the mother in any way.

The reason I am advocating no baby shower is because so many young girls have “baby hunger.” It may be hard to imagine, but girls have a natural desire to have a baby anyway. I am worried that a girl in this situation who sees a teen like herself, esp. one she admires who is really talented, like the girl you are describing, might seek to imitate her. When I was in high school and when I taught high school (all years ago), I saw this all the time. And, it’s got to be worse now.

Just think what a baby shower is. There’s all these adorable clothes and gadgets. All the ladies are making over the mom.

I’ve read that over half of teenage girls think it is okay for an married teenage girl to have a baby.

It’s not the sinful behavior that I think we have to make some sort of statement on. It’s this baby hunger.

As far as adoption, I still believe that children of unmarried teens would be better off in a two parent family. Of course, that is the choice of the mother and father of the baby. But, I still think an unmarried teen should be open to that throughout the pregnancy.

Leonie I know what you’re talking about with teenage girls. Back in highschool we called it “baby syndrome”. The problem is much deeper than seeing another pregnant girl get doted on. Girls that intentional seek to become pregnant have deeper self esteem issues and often family problems. Frequently related to feeling unloved and/or feeling controlled. They want something of their own to love.

As far as adoption goes her mom has let her daughter know if she feels she can’t raise the baby that her and her husband would step in and adopt it. My bestfriend is only 34 and has a 4 year old son who will be closer in age to his neice or nephew then his sister. Right now her daughter wants to keep and raise the baby. Giving up a child has to be one of the hardest things a human being could do and I don’t blame her for not going that route. I’m incredibly greatful to my birth mom who made such a tremendous sacrifice. If I had an unplanned pregnancy as a teen I don’t think I could have done it either.

I don’t disagree with you that a baby shower for an unwed teen could send the wrong message to some teenagers. But also think it shows the right message to teens who are considering abortion -of compassion and forgiveness. I’d rather have a pregnant teen then a dead baby.

And in my mind I don’t think my friend should have to go through life parenting other peoples troubled teens. She needs to make her decisions based on what’s best for her daughter and her family. Others are free to participate or not. Nobody is forced to attend a baby shower.

 

[Julianna]

lets make gross blanket statements based on personal first hand observations of one family with no thought as to how each pregnant girls personal situation may differ from our own small experience…
i understand.

i’m very compassionate toward people who assume a family is intrinsically better for a child simply because there are two parents. they’re wrong. but i’m compassionate.

So if my wife gets pregnant again and I die the day after conception, that kid would be better off in an adoptive parents home than with my wife? and how is that different than your unwed mother scenario?

Your wife is not 16 yrs old…and your wife “had” a husband. Big difference.

 

[Julianna]

The proper thing to do is:

1. Pray for the girl and the baby
2. Pray about what God would have you do!
3. Let the girl know you are praying for her, that you care about her, and that you disapprove of her sin but are glad she is making better decesions (not aborting). Do this only in love. IF you can’t say it loving… let someone else do it.
4. Do what God leads you to do.

I am an unwed mother. I was raped and didn’t tell anyone how I got pregnant until My daughter was over a year old. Everyone just assumed the worst. A little church I attended though, gave me a baby shower, gave me hand me downs from their babies, prayed with me, visited my house weekly to check on me, encouraged me and one woman even came and told me God told her to give me $300 a month for the baby, as long as I lived in that town. I had been away from church for awhile and I’m not sure I’d have come back if that experience had been bad. be careful not to lead these girls AWAY from God.

If these girls are in church and are repentant of their sin, or if they are JUST IN CHURCH, show them nothing but love. Yes, it’s loving to say sin is sin, but you don’t have to focus on that.

I have to ask if the “boy” is repentant of HIS sin as well?