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deb1
Guest
I didn’t think about this before. It is a good question. If she was going to give the child up for adoption then why did she have to be sent away to deliver her baby?
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Julianna
Guest
thank you mary…I do appreciate that. Yes, it was difficult. My DH and I talked about all the “what ifs”…and if push came to shove, would we really kick her out. Hard choice, but in discipline, we believed in follow through. So we followed through and prayed that angels were near to watch over them. My daughter never saw my sleepless nights, my worry, my cell phone on nightstand, waiting for a message, or something. She never knew. My husband and I knew that it’s all about the “baby”, and not placating my daughter.
I know the OP is close to the teen in this instance and I know all too well the heartache. She didn’t mention the father of the child or his family.
I will say that the sperm donors mother did visit my daughter while she was in the maternity home, and came to hospital to see my daughter when the baby was born and met the adoptive parents. I invited her and her husband to our home and they came. She hugged me and cried, and “blamed herself” for her son’s action…(or inaction). This woman was in pain, because her son did not step up to the plate and be responsible. I told her, “your son is 24, he doesn’t live with you anymore, you are not responsible”. She thought that my husband and I would hate her. Why? I asked her to join me next summer for a birth granny retreat, and she cried and cried again that “I” would even ask her. My daughter goes to see her and brings her pictures as well. I asked God to bring her comfort as her heart was broken.
The sperm donor has married (lotsa luck) and forgotten all about my daughter, but my daughter felt that his mother shouldn’t have lose out on hearing about the baby and how he is getting along.
This situation affects the whole family, not just just the teen, women who is facing an out of wedlock birth. Everyone is going through a revolving door of emotion.
mary, if you know nothing about me, I can honestly say that when it comes to marriage and “family”, I am real trad rad
How can people know the specialness and beauty that is the sacrament of marriage, if we sit back and say nothing when men and women have unmarried sex that results in a child? What happens to “marriage”? Scary thought.
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Julianna
Guest
Karin, we sent her to a home, because she kept showing up at the sperm donors house (he was living with his sister, her husband and 4 kids at the time) and beg him to take her in, marry her, and live happily ever after. The b-i-l called me on several occasions and said that she was there waiting for “Bobby” to come out and talk to her.
We sent her away, because not only did she need to realize this isn’t about her, she needed spiritual counseling. She and I were at each others throats at the time, she refused to go get prenatal care at the clinic. She refused to take her prenatal vitamins, and stayed out sometimes all night. Do I need to say that our fears were justified, as we did not know what she was “taking”. Remember the little guy would ingest what she did. My husband and I said, “you are going, period.” Her counselor came to our home and she believed that our daughter needed to be away from us, from Bobby, from her illicit so called friends. Her spirit was broken…she was depressed, angry…and took it out on her father, brother and I. No, we do not have younger children at home, her brother is 21 mths. older.
She kept thinking that Bobby was going to come and rescue her and that he was out looking for a job. Mind you, this guy had no high school education, no job, and lost his drivers license to DUI’s. Yep, she went into a field of BIG ROCKS to get this gem.
I spoke to Bobby on the phone, early in the pregnancy and he said, “I want nothing to do with it, or your daughter, she can have an abortion for all I care.” Yeah, this guy is a real sweetheart.
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rayne89
Guest
Julianna you did what you thought was right. I can see that you can’t see any other perspective except your own. The internet can’t convey emotion but I don’t say that with anger I say it with deep feeling of sadness. I really, really hope your daughter is able to heal from all this. I really hope when she marries and has more children this doesn’t come back to haunt her and she can move past it.
Anything else I say will just make you more angry and defensive so I won’t say it. Good luck to you.
Anything else I say will just make you more angry and defensive so I won’t say it. Good luck to you.
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KathleenElsie
Guest
Julianna:
You did what you felt was best for your family and grandchild. The child is safe and loved. Your daughter can continue with her education and know that her child is alive and well and happy.
God Bless you all
You did what you felt was best for your family and grandchild. The child is safe and loved. Your daughter can continue with her education and know that her child is alive and well and happy.
God Bless you all
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thechrismyster
Guest
http://www.cepolina.com/freephoto/f/nature.water.snow/ice.cubes.cold2.jpg
where’s my sweater… chilly in here.
where’s my sweater… chilly in here.
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LeahInancsi
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MilesXpisti
Guest
Dear Julianna,
I can’t tell you how much I admire your strength in this position, to give your daughter a lesson in tough love. A female in my extended family was not so fortunate, she received all the loving behavior spoken of so highly in this thread, and she continues in her self-destructive habits. If your daughter had expressed remorse for her error, and had desired a more adult manner with which to handle the situation, I might’ve taken a different tack. As it was, though, I think you handled it beautifully. So many today are willing to disregard the appearance of scandal so that they look like open-minded, socially-tolerant individuals that think staunch correction and love are at opposite ends of the spectrum. You gave your child a dose of reality, something so few are willing to do these days, and I have not doubt that she will be a better person for it.
I will keep the young friend of the OP, you and your daughter in my prayers. God bless.
I can’t tell you how much I admire your strength in this position, to give your daughter a lesson in tough love. A female in my extended family was not so fortunate, she received all the loving behavior spoken of so highly in this thread, and she continues in her self-destructive habits. If your daughter had expressed remorse for her error, and had desired a more adult manner with which to handle the situation, I might’ve taken a different tack. As it was, though, I think you handled it beautifully. So many today are willing to disregard the appearance of scandal so that they look like open-minded, socially-tolerant individuals that think staunch correction and love are at opposite ends of the spectrum. You gave your child a dose of reality, something so few are willing to do these days, and I have not doubt that she will be a better person for it.
I will keep the young friend of the OP, you and your daughter in my prayers. God bless.
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Julianna
Guest
dear rayne, I truly understand the emotional rollercoaster you are going through right now. The pain cuts to the core. There is a young women who made a choice that has now involved the most innocent among humankind. We celebrate LIFE, always. That is a given. The healing process is a long journey, the scars run deep. Your friend need your prayers, your ears for listening and your open heart. The young women needs praise for choosing LIFE for her baby. All those things have been accomplished, thank God. Now comes the tough choices. You questioned if you should attend the shower for a pregnant unmarried teen. That in itself speaks volumes of the rough ride you are on.
If your friend is willing to raise her grandchild then there really isn’t any opinion on this thread that is going help.
I don’t take your words as hateful or mean, I understand where you are coming from. IMHO I would not attend the shower, but I would take whatever opportunity I could to be with the young teen, to listen, to pray, to console. She has chosen, LIFE, now the tough part begins.
I will think of you often rayne and pray for your comfort.
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Julianna
Guest
Hey Miles, thanks. The remorse did come, when she appeared at our doorstep 2 weeks after we tossed her out. How can people understand the beauty and sanctity of marriage, if our society says, well have a baby, let your parents raise it, until you find the “right” guy, then get married. I am a believer in “change comes from within”. My DH and I had the control “within” our home, and utilizing our belief/value system, changed the course of what is “tolerated” outside our front door.
Her wake up call came in the 4 months she spent at the maternity home. She did not get along with other girls, because they thought she was “rich” and a “princess”. The house mother and father had to “teach” the girls how to cook. My daughter did not need instruction, she has learned to prepare many meals within our home growing up. She made baked chicken (in one pan) with potatoes and carrots. The girls had never seen anything like it, they never sat down at the supper table with mom, dad, and siblings. One girl never knew who her dad was. They never took dance lessons, were on a soccer team, or won any prizes for an art contest. When the girls shared their stories with my daughter she would call me crying because she started to realize that my DH and I may have been strict, but she knew we put “her” and her brother first, and modeled a loving marriage.
You can’t keep kids in a fish bowl. They will always escape and do the exact thing you prayed they would not do. My DH and firmly believed that values we taught her would one day surface. They did, when she appeared at the door, and said, she was going to the maternity home. My daughter learned a valuable lesson, and there was no way we were going to have that little fella pay the price.
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rayne89
Guest
Thankyou for you kind words and your prayers. I never questioned if I would attend, I knew I would. My question was posed because a close family member attack my bestfriend for allowing a baby shower for her daughter. My bestfriend was crying and she was deeply hurt. This same person also questioned her parenting and the moral fiber of her daughter. I was beyond furious because my bestfriend was already struggling with the situation and instead of supporting her she just added to her grief.
I noticed you asked about the father. The father is a 16 year old boy whom she’s dated for a year. Since he found out she was pregnant he has been taking on as many hours as he can at his part time job after school and giving the money to the girl to give to her mom. I think he’s trying as best he can to stand by her. He said his dad walked out on him when he was 10 and he would never abandon his child. I hope he really does stand by her, you never know because he’s so young, but I truly hope so.
God Bless.
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SeekerJen
Guest
I hope so too. When I was in high school, a teen couple in my youth group found themselves with an unplanned pregnancy on their hands. The girl had just finished high school, and the boy’s parents sent him away to school after that. The couple is married now, with a few more kids, and are very happy. Also, a young cousin of mine was three months pregnant when she graduated from high school. Her boyfriend was a year below her, but piled on extra credits so he could graduate a semester early and marry her. I don’t see her often so I’m not sure how that’s working out, but the young man did realize his responsibility in the situation and did what he could to take care of his new family. Thank goodness not all young men are like the “sperm donor” that Julianna described. He sounds like a real piece of work.
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SeekerJen
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Julianna,
I hope that when we are ready to adopt, we are blessed enough to meet up with a young woman like your daughter. Thank God there are women who are still willing to gift infertile couples with their precious children.
I’m not sure how I would have reacted if I were in your daughter’s shoes. I’d like to think I would have done the same as her, but I don’t know that I would have been strong enough at that age and maturity level to not abort the baby. You obviously know your daughter better than anyone here, you knew what it would take to get her to make the responsible choice, and you trusted her enough to make it. God bless you, as I’m sure that baby’s adoptive parents do every day.
I hope that when we are ready to adopt, we are blessed enough to meet up with a young woman like your daughter. Thank God there are women who are still willing to gift infertile couples with their precious children.
I’m not sure how I would have reacted if I were in your daughter’s shoes. I’d like to think I would have done the same as her, but I don’t know that I would have been strong enough at that age and maturity level to not abort the baby. You obviously know your daughter better than anyone here, you knew what it would take to get her to make the responsible choice, and you trusted her enough to make it. God bless you, as I’m sure that baby’s adoptive parents do every day.
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LeahInancsi
Guest
It’s not the only way, but why would a person need to boycott the shower because she’s a teen and unwed. That’s the topic of this thread.
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mosher
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The answer to that is obvious. It is a public scandal. There are obviously too many “soccer moms” here who are confusing affection with love. A true act of love would be to not give a shower a true act of love would be to not attend a shower because the opposite teaches nothing and will be taken as a tacit approval if not a compete approval. Rather, the new mother needs to have disapproval but love shown to her.
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LeahInancsi
Guest
You’re not going to believe this, but I agree and would not have attended if I were asked except for one thing. Catholics focus on the sin itself and that was the act of premarital sex. If the girl is Catholic (if don’t if we know this), that sin should be confessed and forgiven. After that we should move on and celebrate in God’s gift of a baby. A shower does not how approval of what she did to bring about the conception of this child.
Puzzleannie gave several excellent reasons not to single out teenagers for the offense of premarital sex.
Prior to joining the Church, I would have been the first in line to shun an unwed mother, teen or not. Now, I only have that contempt for those who purposefully get pregnant for their own wants and needs and those who repeatedly have children out of wedlock.
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mosher
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See here is where the misunderstanding is. I am not interested in shunning anyone. Instead I am interested in what is best for her, the child and society. This is all extrinsic to confession. A person who worthily confesses their sins does not escape the public result of the sin nor the penalty that follows. In this case it is not good to shower affection on a person who has gravely chosen vice over virtue. It is good for the child to be cared for apart from a party. It is good for society because we don’t have a party celebrating vice. We can twist it and try to say that it is a celebration that she chose life. Well this is nice but not realistic. We can impose any idealistic idea that we want on the meaning of the party but the fact remains that we would be giving a party to a person who acted in a gravely sinful manner and in some way she gets the reward of a party. We cannot escape the reality of the situation. It would be like celebrating any sin with a party.
Perhaps I would be in favor of it if the name were changed from a baby shower to a fornication celebration. Then there would be some clarity. I have been to enough baby showers to know that they are only about the baby in so far was the gifts are for the child. But rather, the party is for the new mother and not the child. Because of this reality it is only proper to celebrate goodness and truth.
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Em_in_FL
Guest
I’m a little late on the discussion… but this was the best answer to quote…
I agree…
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Aleii
Guest
She will be shunned and scorned the rest of her life. Most likely she understands the gravity of the situation!
I work very hard to pray for those who have sinned and hurt me, and to welcome them into my arms. Love those who have hurt you. It is not easy, but, IMHO we must continue to love and show affection to those who have sinned. You may see it as “tough love”, but I have a different view, and see it as abandonment and not turning the other cheek. Just different parenting styles, and doesn’t make one or the other right or wrong.
who among us has not acted in a gravely sinful manner at some point in our lives? We should not scorn, or be scorned forever. Besides, I still see it as a party for the baby, not the mom. She will have many trials to go through as it is.
If you would be in favor of changing the name for the party this thread references to “fornicaiton celebration”, then, along that same line of thought we should change the name of baby showers for babies of married couples to “intercourse celebration”.
Sex is not the focus of the showers unless the couple had some medical problems that made conception difficult.
The baby showers I have been to revolve around the baby, not the mother, nor sex. I don’t go there to celebrate a couple having sex, I go there to celebrate the soon to be born child. We talk about different parenting techniques, sometimes have a name game to guess the name of the child or what the weight/length of the child will be upon birth. We discuss what products are best for strollers, diapers, etc. Advice on how to raise a child is given. Most of the conversation revolves around the baby. If the baby showers you have attended differ so vastly, then perhaps you should offer to be involved in planning these baby showers that you are invited to, so they are more geared towards the baby.
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Aleii
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I see the edit time limit is up, but ‘abandonment and not turning the other cheek’ isn’t the right phrase to convey what I wanted. I don’t think total affection and no punishment is the answer, nor strictly “tough love”(a person should not be paying for their confessed sin forever). As another poster mentioned, we need to move on. A combination of both styles of parenting, determined by the situation would confer the benefits of both when done in a proper manner.
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