Babysitting problem and the mother-in-law. Advice PLEASE

[redtech]

Ok. I have to give a little background first.

My 3 year old DD goes to daycare. She loves it there. When I had my son, my mom quit her job to babysit for me. She really wanted to quit anyway. So she watches DS all week and my DD goes to daycare 3 days a week and to my moms the other 2 days. I know its kind of silly to seperate the kids like that but DD LOVES all her friends and frankly… Grandma’s house is kind of boring. She usually ends up watching cartoons all day long which isn’t cool. I’ll eventually get them both going to the same places on the same days by putting DS in daycare when he’s a bit older for a few days a week.

Anyway, my mom will occasionally need to do something during the week that she can’t do on the weekend. I normally take a day off so I can stay home with the kids. Right now I’m having to save up my vacation time.

My mom just told me today that she will have to go with my dad to the doctor next wednesday. He’s getting a colonoscopy and won’t be able to drive home. Its also an hour away.

When my SIL had her baby in Nov my mom went out there for 2 weeks to help. During that time, I put DS in daycare. DS did ok at daycare but I’d rather he not go until he’s big enough for the “wobbler” class.

Here’s where my Mother-in-law comes in. I really don’t like her all that much. She’s a dirty person with a dirty house. My husband loves her of course. I show her respect and she shows me respect but we pretty much stay out of each others way. My husband and I had a little blow out the last time mom needed to go somewhere. I made arrangments to put DS in daycare with his sister without first asking my DH. For as little interest as he shows in the kids day to day details, I didn’t think he’d care. I normally do consult with him first about Drs appointments and what-not. He usually acte like he’s not even listening to me. He could care less. So anyway he got mad and wanted his mom to watch them. I hated the thought of this. She has rat poison in the corners of her house and my son was deeply into putting things in his mouth at that time. So, I fought with my husband about it.

Other than the TV and chores, our only disagreements stem around his mother. She ended up coming to our house that day to watch the kids. When I got home, my son had only been fed 2 bottles of milk in 9 hours. He usually has at least 5.

I don’t really want to come across as a controlling mother. I really don’t think I am. I’m more of the over protective type and DH is more of the “I don’t care as long as they are breathing” type. I’m horrified at the thought of what is going on with my kids when I’m not around. MIL isn’t very attentive either. She never vists with them or calls to ask about them. She lives 5 minutes away.

So - Should I:

1. bite the bullet and take a day off work.
2. Put DS in daycare that day
3. ask MIL to watch him and sweat blood out of my pores all day.

I know I can’t really make a decision without talking to DH first but I’m scared to after the argument we had last time. My nerves are shot already.

 

[maria29]

Ok. I have to give a little background first.

My 3 year old DD goes to daycare. She loves it there. When I had my son, my mom quit her job to babysit for me. She really wanted to quit anyway. So she watches DS all week and my DD goes to daycare 3 days a week and to my moms the other 2 days. I know its kind of silly to seperate the kids like that but DD LOVES all her friends and frankly… Grandma’s house is kind of boring. She usually ends up watching cartoons all day long which isn’t cool. I’ll eventually get them both going to the same places on the same days by putting DS in daycare when he’s a bit older for a few days a week.

Anyway, my mom will occasionally need to do something during the week that she can’t do on the weekend. I normally take a day off so I can stay home with the kids. Right now I’m having to save up my vacation time.

My mom just told me today that she will have to go with my dad to the doctor next wednesday. He’s getting a colonoscopy and won’t be able to drive home. Its also an hour away.

When my SIL had her baby in Nov my mom went out there for 2 weeks to help. During that time, I put DS in daycare. DS did ok at daycare but I’d rather he not go until he’s big enough for the “wobbler” class.

Here’s where my Mother-in-law comes in. I really don’t like her all that much. She’s a dirty person with a dirty house. My husband loves her of course. I show her respect and she shows me respect but we pretty much stay out of each others way. My husband and I had a little blow out the last time mom needed to go somewhere. I made arrangments to put DS in daycare with his sister without first asking my DH. For as little interest as he shows in the kids day to day details, I didn’t think he’d care. I normally do consult with him first about Drs appointments and what-not. He usually acte like he’s not even listening to me. He could care less. So anyway he got mad and wanted his mom to watch them. I hated the thought of this. She has rat poison in the corners of her house and my son was deeply into putting things in his mouth at that time. So, I fought with my husband about it.

Can you just talk to your MIL about putting up the rat poison etc while your son is there because he may eat it? When you say dirty, do you mean cluttered or filth? Can she come to your house instead and watch him. Just tell her he’s more comfortable with the routine etc…Mention too that way she doesn’t have to spend time babyproofing

Other than the TV and chores, our only disagreements stem around his mother. She ended up coming to our house that day to watch the kids. When I got home, my son had only been fed 2 bottles of milk in 9 hours. He usually has at least 5.

**Did he just refuse the bottle for her? Or did she just ignore the signs when he was hungary?
**

I don’t really want to come across as a controlling mother. I really don’t think I am. I’m more of the over protective type and DH is more of the “I don’t care as long as they are breathing” type. I’m horrified at the thought of what is going on with my kids when I’m not around. MIL isn’t very attentive either. She never vists with them or calls to ask about them. She lives 5 minutes away.

So - Should I:

1. bite the bullet and take a day off work.
2. Put DS in daycare that day
3. ask MIL to watch him and sweat blood out of my pores all day.

I know I can’t really make a decision without talking to DH first but I’m scared to after the argument we had last time. My nerves are shot already.

**I would first talk to my husband and say look here are the options.
1.take a day off
2. put son in daycare that day
3. MIL can watch him at our house because that way your mom won’t have to do any extra work babyproofing etc

**

 

[redtech]

Thanks Maria,
Its cluttered AND filthy. Their carpets look like they haven’t been vaccumed in 2 months and they have stacks of stuff everywhere. Her husband is a horder of magazines and anything else he thinks he needs. They recently bought a refrigerated semi trailer that the refrigerator doesn’t work on anymore. They have this parked in their backyard and decided to “clean out their house” by just hauling a bunch of it out there. It is already filling back up.

She knows how I feel about the poison. She just shrugged her shoulders. That the way she does it. At Thanksgiving, DD didn’t want to eat her dinner. She said she just wanted corn so she leaned over and picked up her nephews bowl of corn because thats all he wanted too. She let my DD eat off this kids spoon. He had the nastiest runny nose. To say I was irrate would be putting it lightly. She just shrugged her shoulders.

When MIL has a cold, she wipes her nose on her sleeve.

As far as him refusing the bottle for her I can’t say because I wasn’t there. My son isn’t the type to refuse any kind of food. Dh could have been there since he was just up town playing cards but… oh well. I think I covered that in my other thread and I’m still working on that.

 

[Island_Oak]

Your kid, your responsibility–especially if you don’t like the way someone else would do it in your absence. Take the time off and take care of him yourself. You might also want to look into other options you have for child care–like a neighbor, college girls, etc… that could act as a back-up for you.

Beyond this episode it sounds like you have the potential for serious conflict erupting over your MIL’s rancid living conditions–not that I blame you. Perhaps you should try and negotiate some points of agreement and compromise with your husband sometime when you’re not in the middle of a child care dilema.

 

[LSK]

what she said…

Personally, I think putting him in day care for a short time would be ok because he would be wonderfully stimulated by the other kids, have a blast and you would feel safe…but is it cost prohibative?

 

[BeeSweet]

If I were in the situation I would put my son in daycare that day and act like the argument never happened. If hubby wanted to argue about it after the fact, I’d just accept it, I wouldn’t fight with him. When he wants to step up and take full responsibility for making the arrangements, then he can complain. Till then, you’re doing what you know is best for your children. Don’t apologise for that. Don’t fight about it. Just do what you think is best, and tell him he can handle it himself next time if he wants it handled differently.

Why do you think he fussed about it in the first place? Do you think his mom said something to him?

 

[Zooey]

As I see it, there are really only** two** choices:

1. Take the day off. It’s less likely to cause a problem.
2. Put DS in daycare.

I would not leave a child in the house with someone who “shrugs off” rat poison, & doesn’t bother to feed him. I wouldn’t, in fact, leave my cat with someone who has rat poison sitting around…especially since where there is rat poison, there are rats. (Maybe dead rats, maybe dying rats, but rats).

But I’m just a:shrug: fussy old lady.

 

[redtech]

Thanks you guys.

We can definitely afford one extra day of daycare for the little guy. I think it would break the bank if we had both of them in full time but just one day won’t hurt.

I’m sure DH fussed at me last time because his mom was on his butt. It just makes me shake my head. I’ve told her again and agian that she’s welcome to come over and play with the kids anytime she wants but she doesn’t. When she decides that she wants to be involved, then she complains to DH. ALL she has to do is call us and ask if its ok that she comes over. I guess it doesn’t count as spending time with the kids unless she has them alone. What is she doing with them alone that she can’t do while we’re there. Is she filling my DDs head with all kinds of strange ideas? She wants DD to go to her Christian church with her. She actually left a snotty message on our answering machine one morning to DD who was only a few months old and telling DD that she doesn’t have to be Catholic if she doesn’t want to and she was welcome at her church.

Another think that troubles me a little is that last week DH took a day off for himself to go watch basketball. He took off work with 1 day notice to his boss. I highly doubt that if I ran it by him now he’d be able to do that. Its just strange the things he can’t do for his kids but he can do for himself. I can deal with him putting me on the backburner but I can’t handle him putting the kids back there.

 

[BeeSweet]

Thanks you guys.

We can definitely afford one extra day of daycare for the little guy. I think it would break the bank if we had both of them in full time but just one day won’t hurt.

I’m sure DH fussed at me last time because his mom was on his butt. It just makes me shake my head. I’ve told her again and agian that she’s welcome to come over and play with the kids anytime she wants but she doesn’t. When she decides that she wants to be involved, then she complains to DH. ALL she has to do is call us and ask if its ok that she comes over. I guess it doesn’t count as spending time with the kids unless she has them alone. What is she doing with them alone that she can’t do while we’re there. Is she filling my DDs head with all kinds of strange ideas? She wants DD to go to her Christian church with her. She actually left a snotty message on our answering machine one morning to DD who was only a few months old and telling DD that she doesn’t have to be Catholic if she doesn’t want to and she was welcome at her church.

Another think that troubles me a little is that last week DH took a day off for himself to go watch basketball. He took off work with 1 day notice to his boss. I highly doubt that if I ran it by him now he’d be able to do that. Its just strange the things he can’t do for his kids but he can do for himself. I can deal with him putting me on the backburner but I can’t handle him putting the kids back there.

That’s the way most of the men in my life behave. They’re innately selfish. Your husband wouldn’t have said a word about it except for the fact that he doesn’t want to deal with his mother harrassing him. He’s able to take a day off for the things he wants to do, but can’t justify it for the care of his kids, cuz that’s boring to him. This being the case, don’t ever expect him to take a day off for the kids, cuz he’ll only want his mother to do it instead, and then you’ve got an argument on your hands.

I may sound a bit harsh. My husband did something really stupid and dangerous yesterday, and I’m beyond ticked off at him right now. And I have monster in-law troubles too. So, take what I say with a grain, or maybe a pound of salt. I just do things my way, and if he’s got a problem with it, he’ll get over it. Better to deal with an angry husband than a sick child.

You should start inviting your mother in law over on a regular basis, like every other week or something like that. Then when hubby fusses, you can say that you’ve tried.

 

[whatevergirl]

Ok. I have to give a little background first.

My 3 year old DD goes to daycare. She loves it there. When I had my son, my mom quit her job to babysit for me. She really wanted to quit anyway. So she watches DS all week and my DD goes to daycare 3 days a week and to my moms the other 2 days. I know its kind of silly to seperate the kids like that but DD LOVES all her friends and frankly… Grandma’s house is kind of boring. She usually ends up watching cartoons all day long which isn’t cool. I’ll eventually get them both going to the same places on the same days by putting DS in daycare when he’s a bit older for a few days a week.

Anyway, my mom will occasionally need to do something during the week that she can’t do on the weekend. I normally take a day off so I can stay home with the kids. Right now I’m having to save up my vacation time.

My mom just told me today that she will have to go with my dad to the doctor next wednesday. He’s getting a colonoscopy and won’t be able to drive home. Its also an hour away.

When my SIL had her baby in Nov my mom went out there for 2 weeks to help. During that time, I put DS in daycare. DS did ok at daycare but I’d rather he not go until he’s big enough for the “wobbler” class.

Here’s where my Mother-in-law comes in. I really don’t like her all that much. She’s a dirty person with a dirty house. My husband loves her of course. I show her respect and she shows me respect but we pretty much stay out of each others way. My husband and I had a little blow out the last time mom needed to go somewhere. I made arrangments to put DS in daycare with his sister without first asking my DH. For as little interest as he shows in the kids day to day details, I didn’t think he’d care. I normally do consult with him first about Drs appointments and what-not. He usually acte like he’s not even listening to me. He could care less. So anyway he got mad and wanted his mom to watch them. I hated the thought of this. She has rat poison in the corners of her house and my son was deeply into putting things in his mouth at that time. So, I fought with my husband about it.

Other than the TV and chores, our only disagreements stem around his mother. She ended up coming to our house that day to watch the kids. When I got home, my son had only been fed 2 bottles of milk in 9 hours. He usually has at least 5.

I don’t really want to come across as a controlling mother. I really don’t think I am. I’m more of the over protective type and DH is more of the “I don’t care as long as they are breathing” type. I’m horrified at the thought of what is going on with my kids when I’m not around. MIL isn’t very attentive either. She never vists with them or calls to ask about them. She lives 5 minutes away.

So - Should I:

1. bite the bullet and take a day off work.
2. Put DS in daycare that day
3. ask MIL to watch him and sweat blood out of my pores all day.

I know I can’t really make a decision without talking to DH first but I’m scared to after the argument we had last time. My nerves are shot already.

Interesting thread. Let me ask this…where is it written that we need to walk on egg shells for our relatives? Where is it written, that our inlaws are allowed to do whatever they want, at the risk of not taking the best care of our kids? I am not the best person to ask this of. My parents passed away when I was a kid…My husband’s mom is a doll, but 85, and is simply not available for watching our kids. (my kids are now 10 and 14, so they are in school, but you know what I mean) So, I can’t fully relate to people who have difficulties with their inlaws. HOWEVER, I think of myself, and when I become a grandmother. I will honor my son/daughter’s requests, AND my future daughter/son in laws. I feel for people who have to almost choose between keeping peace, and sacrificing common sense things for their kids. It’s just not right. If she wanted to make a meat loaf, and you wanted the kids to eat hamburgers, bite the bullet. But, this is about what is good for your kids. They sounds, frankly, like they might be in better hands at the daycare…HOWEVER…she simply might not know your requests. I would write down your expectations…JUST LIKE YOU WOULD A PAID SITTER.

These are your children. Don’t skimp what is right…I will say a prayer for you that this works out. AND YOUR DH NEEDS TO SUPPORT YOU IN THIS DECISION. (It is his mom…so of course, you need to be understanding…but I’m not into walking on eggshells. It’s often not necessary, and I really think that spelling out an agenda for your MIL when she’s watching your kids is a smart idea) GOOD LUCK!

 

[whatevergirl]

That’s the way most of the men in my life behave. They’re innately selfish. Your husband wouldn’t have said a word about it except for the fact that he doesn’t want to deal with his mother harrassing him. He’s able to take a day off for the things he wants to do, but can’t justify it for the care of his kids, cuz that’s boring to him. This being the case, don’t ever expect him to take a day off for the kids, cuz he’ll only want his mother to do it instead, and then you’ve got an argument on your hands.

I may sound a bit harsh. My husband did something really stupid and dangerous yesterday, and I’m beyond ticked off at him right now. And I have monster in-law troubles too. So, take what I say with a grain, or maybe a pound of salt. I just do things my way, and if he’s got a problem with it, he’ll get over it. Better to deal with an angry husband than a sick child.

You should start inviting your mother in law over on a regular basis, like every other week or something like that. Then when hubby fusses, you can say that you’ve tried.

Hmmm…I really don’t think men are innately selfish. They are different than women. We are the nurturers…or supposed to be…and they are task focused. (and if they can cut corners…so be it–they will! ) But not innately selfish. I don’t see my husband that way…really at all.

 

[Zooey]

What is she doing with them alone that she can’t do while we’re there. Is she filling my DDs head with all kinds of strange ideas? She wants DD to go to her Christian church with her. She actually left a snotty message on our answering machine one morning to DD who was only a few months old and telling DD that she doesn’t have to be Catholic if she doesn’t want to and she was welcome at her church.

Ah. Well. In that case…
I’m glad that I wasn’t over-reacting to how things sounded. That is :nope: !!!

God bless.

 

[hasikelee]

Oh no! It is very unsettling to see your thread!

I am a neat freak and see my future mothering as definitely following that pattern. Meanwhile, my FMIL’s house is exactly as you described.

I never even thought about her EVER babysitting my kids. Of course we would visit for specific periods of time, but never let her supervise the kids.

It doesn’t necessarily make her bad person at all. She just has different priorities, especially if her kids are all grown up.

I have heard enough horror stories from my DF about his sisters being let free in the street during toddler years and the filth…ugh!

But don’t just go headstrong over your husband’s wishes. Something about this is obviously important to him. If you can find out what is really bothering him, you may be able to care for your child with peace of mind and satisfy his need.

 

[1ke]

Actually, based on what you’ve previously posted about your husband, I wouldn’t tell him squat.

I’d either take the day off or put DS in daycare. Just pack him up and take him with you-- you husband would likely not notice the difference-- didn’t you say you take the kids with you and drop them off on your way to work? Just take them to daycare.

Your children’s health and safety are more important than your husband or MIL’s egos.

 

[redtech]

My husband has actually been better since we had a talk last week. I made him a list of chores that were now designated to be his and I posted it on the fridge. Things have been alot smoother around our house but I guess I’m still feeling some nastiness towards him and its coming out in my posts.

Last night while we were all sitting down as a family eating dinner I asked him what they were doing next Wednesday. He said probably nothing since its rained so much this week and supposed to rain all week. I said “Oh, thats good. I need you to take next Wednesday off work” then he changed his tune. I said I needed him to stay home with the kids. He immediately said “well, my MOM can do it”. I said “I’m sure your mom is fully capable but you already said you didn’t have anything going on so why can’t you?” “you took a day off to go watch a baskeball game. So why can’t you take a day off for your kids?” I kept my cool during all this and he’s the one that started getting flustered. He said he’d ask his boss this morning. I wouldn’t put it past him not even asking and lying to me about it. Of course they only way to find out if he is lying is to call his boss and ask him and that seems fairly underhanded. I wish I didn’t have to question his word.

Anyway, if his mom does end up watching my kids that day, I’ll make her a list. I made her a list about a year ago when she watched them and apparently it wasn’t recieved well. I guess I should know that she raised my DH over 30 years ago so she knows everything there is to know about mothering… This last time I didn’t make a list and the kid was starved all day.

If Dh can’t watch them then they’ll go to daycare.

 

[BeeSweet]

Hmmm…I really don’t think men are innately selfish. They are different than women. We are the nurturers…or supposed to be…and they are task focused. (and if they can cut corners…so be it–they will! ) But not innately selfish. I don’t see my husband that way…really at all.

That’s why I said “most of the men in my life”. I knew someone (but I thought it would more likely be a man) would chime in and defend them! I didn’t grow up with any female family except my mom. My dad and an older and a younger brother was my family make-up. My longest known best friend is a man. I live with two cats and a dog that are male (not that that’s applicable, but I think it’s funny). I really truely deep in my heart believe they are innately selfish. They have to be taught how to be considerate of others. It just doesn’t come naturally to them. Even my dad, who’s one of the most considerate men I’ve ever seen, has regrets about spending his time doing things that he liked, rather than spending time with his kids when we were little.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I really truely deep in my heart believe they are innately selfish. They have to be taught how to be considerate of others. It just doesn’t come naturally to them. .

I guess it depends on the definition of selfish. To me, I always associate that word with choice. For example, if I asked my hubby to help me carry in the groceries and he said that he would rather play video games, I would consider that selfish.

---

**BUT, if he didn’t realize I had groceries to carry so went off to play video games **
I would call that insensitive or inconsiderate, but not exactly selfish.

---

In my experience, guys just don’t think of other very much (their thoughts, feelings, etc) so they aren’t being hurtful or negletful on purpose…usually.

---

malia

 

[BeeSweet]

Talk with him, support him, tell him you love him and you need his love. Go see a priest or counselor if you need to. Believe me (experience here) your mother-in-law will have very little impact on your lives if your marriage is strong and you are united. It is when a couple is a little shaky that in-laws and friends and family members can really swoop in, cause fights and do some serious damage.

I know your mother-in-law is the current problem here but I really beleive that you can avoid problems with her in the future (and it sounds like there could be some with her behaviors that you described) if you **both **make an effort to strengthen your marriage.

In-laws can complicate things in such a way that you may never have a strong united relationship. I don’t know if my husband and I ever will, and it’s due to how he was raised. His parents divorced when he was only five. His mother had three more husbands before he was 14 years old. My husband did not grow up with any family unity, in fact he and his sister were used by their parents to hurt each other. They had a very psychologically damaging upbringing. So I can’t expect that my husband and I will ever really have the deep unity that I crave (that we both crave actually), because he’s frankly not learned how. I know he wants it the same way I do, but it’s just too easy for him to turn his back, because that’s the lesson he learned as a child about how you treat your family: when things get too rough, cut and run. He’s doing a really great job considering everything, we’ve been together for 14 years next month.

Today, our in-laws complicate things for us such that they take an emotional priority over me to my husband. His family is very important to him. They are wounded, and they will work the rest of their lives to heal their wounds.

I’m mentioning this so as to help anyone who has a relationship that may not be tip-top, don’t take the full blame of it on yourselves. There’s a whole lifetime of history behind each one of you. You do the best you can. We are each other’s cross to bear.

 

[BeeSweet]

I guess it depends on the definition of selfish. To me, I always associate that word with choice. For example, if I asked my hubby to help me carry in the groceries and he said that he would rather play video games, I would consider that selfish.

---

**BUT, if he didn’t realize I had groceries to carry so went off to play video games **
I would call that insensitive or inconsiderate, but not exactly selfish.

---

In my experience, guys just don’t think of other very much (their thoughts, feelings, etc) so they aren’t being hurtful or negletful on purpose…usually.

---

malia

That’s more of an active form of selfishness. To be selfish is to be primarily concerned with oneself, regardless of others. Insensitivity, and inconsiderateness are products of selfishness.

It’s a strong word I know. Sometimes you have to not let the emotion of a word get to you. Especially when it’s the truth!

 

[mariam1976]

i am sorry i disagree with you… when i want to do something i want, but my husband wants to do something else… if i still end up doing what he wants, i will have regrets doing it… it is part of being human… but the fact that i kept my desires aside and did do what he wanted means that i am being unselfish!!!

it is the act that counts becos remember: actions do speak louder than words…