Bachelorette Party & Wife

[LausDeo]

I have “heard” indirectly that my wife is planning on going to a bachelorette’s party with a group of her friends from school who are on average ten years younger than her. From what I know so far they plan on going downtown to clubs/bars and eventually up to a hotel room where they are going to spend the night drinking and partying. I am not sure if a stripper will be part of these plans. Needless to say I am uneasy about this and not sure what to say when the issue does come up. Anyone have any good Catholic advice on what to say without turning this situation into a messy disagreement? Taking a logical guess at what will happen is she’ll bring up her plans and I’ll say I don’t agree with them. She’ll probably respond with, “I see nothing wrong with it” -or- “You won’t even let me go out with my friends”…after that not sure how the rest will go.

 

[Steven_Merten]

LausDeo:

I have “heard” indirectly that my wife is planning on going to a bachelorette’s party with a group of her friends from school who are on average ten years younger than her. From what I know so far they plan on going downtown to clubs/bars and eventually up to a hotel room where they are going to spend the night drinking and partying. I am not sure if a stripper will be part of these plans. Needless to say I am uneasy about this and not sure what to say when the issue does come up. Anyone have any good Catholic advice on what to say without turning this situation into a messy disagreement? Taking a logical guess at what will happen is she’ll bring up her plans and I’ll say I don’t agree with them. She’ll probably respond with, “I see nothing wrong with it” -or- “You won’t even let me go out with my friends”…after that not sure how the rest will go.

Hello LausDeo,

Better to bring up and discussing things that you might disagree upon BEFORE you get married, rather than saving such issues for after you are married.

 

[vluvski]

Is your wife Catholic? Does she share your sentiments about immoral activities?

If so, I’d say something like, “I’m really glad you’re going to enjoy a night out with the girls. Do you know what any of the plans are?”

Listen to what she has to say about it. Then respond, “Well, I was kind of curious because I have to admit, since these girls aren’t exactly in our direct peer group, I expect a certain degree of immature behavior. I just don’t want you to get into an uncomfortable situation, you know?”

 

[TarAshly]

To be honest after my bachelorette party i felt guilty. I felt like I was supposed to be mourning something I wasnt going to miss. I drank way to much, danced with a bunch of strange men which is something I would NEVER have done. It wasnt really enjoyable. I would have been more happy if my friends had planned a sleep over rather than a night out at the bar. tell her no matter what she thinks now she will regret it later, even if she isnt the bachelorette these parties get out of control and with all the alcohol and men and expectations of a bachelorette party it is a doomsday for disaster. Try and search the archives if you can, I posted about it the next day…bad bad idea to have a traditional bachelorette party.

LausDeo:

I have “heard” indirectly that my wife is planning on going to a bachelorette’s party with a group of her friends from school who are on average ten years younger than her. From what I know so far they plan on going downtown to clubs/bars and eventually up to a hotel room where they are going to spend the night drinking and partying. I am not sure if a stripper will be part of these plans. Needless to say I am uneasy about this and not sure what to say when the issue does come up. Anyone have any good Catholic advice on what to say without turning this situation into a messy disagreement? Taking a logical guess at what will happen is she’ll bring up her plans and I’ll say I don’t agree with them. She’ll probably respond with, “I see nothing wrong with it” -or- “You won’t even let me go out with my friends”…after that not sure how the rest will go.

 

[TarAshly]

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=26095&highlight=Bachelor+Bachelorette+parties

Heres a link to that thread. Some good information in there. A year later I have come to realize more and more that that was a bad idea and a bad night. I am a married woman now and only go out with my husband. The few times I have a girls night (not because he wont let my but because im so busy and sometimes I just want to spend what little time we have together with him) I am the DD so I wont be drinking at all and I just dance with my girlfriends and few male friends that know me and my husband and that there is no room for anyone else in our marriage. thats all we do. its better that way. I just always check myself. “would I do or say this if my husband or Jesus was standing right next to me?”

 

[LausDeo]

vluvski:

Is your wife Catholic? Does she share your sentiments about immoral activities?

If so, I’d say something like, “I’m really glad you’re going to enjoy a night out with the girls. Do you know what any of the plans are?”

Listen to what she has to say about it. Then respond, “Well, I was kind of curious because I have to admit, since these girls aren’t exactly in our direct peer group, I expect a certain degree of immature behavior. I just don’t want you to get into an uncomfortable situation, you know?”

Thanks for the advice.

She is Catholic and she makes it appear like she shares the same sentiments about immoral activity…most of the time. Sometimes an incident like this occurs that confuses the heck out of me because it does not match up with how she appears to be living her faith the majority of the time.

Her response to what you said above will probably be, “I am an adult and know right from wrong…” -or- “You don’t trust me…” -or- “I’ll be okay”.

Right now I am just trying to avoid an uneasy situation which could possibly end in her going any way or not going but being extremely upset. Frankly, just the fact that she’s considering going bothers me.

 

[LausDeo]

TarAshly:

To be honest after my bachelorette party i felt guilty. I felt like I was supposed to be mourning something I wasnt going to miss. I drank way to much, danced with a bunch of strange men which is something I would NEVER have done. It wasnt really enjoyable. I would have been more happy if my friends had planned a sleep over rather than a night out at the bar. tell her no matter what she thinks now she will regret it later, even if she isnt the bachelorette these parties get out of control and with all the alcohol and men and expectations of a bachelorette party it is a doomsday for disaster. Try and search the archives if you can, I posted about it the next day…bad bad idea to have a traditional bachelorette party.

Thanks for the advice. I was young once and I know that these parties never really go as planned which is another thing that bothers me. All these other woman are in the early twenties and I wouldn’t be surprised that after a few drinks things may get out of hand somewhat.

 

[Kristina_P]

LausDeo:

I have “heard” indirectly that my wife is planning on going to a bachelorette’s party with a group of her friends from school who are on average ten years younger than her. From what I know so far they plan on going downtown to clubs/bars and eventually up to a hotel room where they are going to spend the night drinking and partying. I am not sure if a stripper will be part of these plans. Needless to say I am uneasy about this and not sure what to say when the issue does come up. Anyone have any good Catholic advice on what to say without turning this situation into a messy disagreement? Taking a logical guess at what will happen is she’ll bring up her plans and I’ll say I don’t agree with them. She’ll probably respond with, “I see nothing wrong with it” -or- “You won’t even let me go out with my friends”…after that not sure how the rest will go.

Find out if she knows what the party will entail. If there’s going to be a stripper or anything like that, you have every right to object. Explain your position to her. If she is also a Christian, she will understand and submit to your objection. If she’s just going to be hanging out with the girls, do you object to that?

 

[Kristina_P]

LausDeo:

Thanks for the advice.

She is Catholic and she makes it appear like she shares the same sentiments about immoral activity…most of the time. Sometimes an incident like this occurs that confuses the heck out of me because it does not match up with how she appears to be living her faith the majority of the time.

Her response to what you said above will probably be, “I am an adult and know right from wrong…” -or- “You don’t trust me…” -or- “I’ll be okay”.

Right now I am just trying to avoid an uneasy situation which could possibly end in her going any way or not going but being extremely upset. Frankly, just the fact that she’s considering going bothers me.

Try to explain this from a “feelings” point of view. It’s language women tend to understand. Explain that even though you trust her not to do something immoral, her going to a party where immoral things are likely to happen makes you feel uneasy and hurt. She can’t argue with your feelings, and I know I wouldn’t do something that I knew would hurt the man I love.

 

[Ruthie]

I don’t know you, and I don’t know your wife, so what I have to say may be very inaccurate!

You said,
She’ll probably respond with, “I see nothing wrong with it” -or- “You won’t even let me go out with my friends”…after that not sure how the rest will go.

and
Her response to what you said above will probably be, “I am an adult and know right from wrong…” -or- “You don’t trust me…” -or- “I’ll be okay”.

It sounds like you two have had this conversation a few times, which makes me think you may be trying to exercise control over her that is not consistent with the Catholic concept of marriage as between two persons of equal dignity. (Remember, this is sheer guesswork on my part. As I said, I don’t know either of you.)

She says, “You don’t trust me.” Is that true? Search your heart.

My advice: Surprise her. Say, “Go, have a good time. I trust you. If anything makes you uncomfortable, call me and I’ll come get you. I love you.”

And if she does call you to come get her, bite your tongue - don’t dare say anything resembling “I told you so.”

If you really feel there is a danger that she is not seeing, don’t fall back into that same old conversation. Swallow your pride, and ask her nicely to please consult (name of her spiritual advisor) about it before deciding to go. And if she does, and the advisor says it’s all right, see my first piece of advice!

You will gain many “good husband” points if you do this!

From a proud possessor of “good wife” points.

 

[Ana]

Ruthie:

She says, “You don’t trust me.” Is that true? Search your heart.

My advice: Surprise her. Say, “Go, have a good time. I trust you. If anything makes you uncomfortable, call me and I’ll come get you. I love you.”

And if she does call you to come get her, bite your tongue - don’t dare say anything resembling “I told you so.”

If you really feel there is a danger that she is not seeing, don’t fall back into that same old conversation. Swallow your pride, and ask her nicely to please consult (name of her spiritual advisor) about it before deciding to go. And if she does, and the advisor says it’s all right, see my first piece of advice!

You will gain many “good husband” points if you do this!

From a proud possessor of “good wife” points.

I second this.

 

[vluvski]

Yeah, after reading their posts, I gotta say you’ll get farther with Ruthie’s and Ana’s attitudes!

 

[Brad]

Ruthie:

I don’t know you, and I don’t know your wife, so what I have to say may be very inaccurate!

You said,
She’ll probably respond with, “I see nothing wrong with it” -or- “You won’t even let me go out with my friends”…after that not sure how the rest will go.

and
Her response to what you said above will probably be, “I am an adult and know right from wrong…” -or- “You don’t trust me…” -or- “I’ll be okay”.

It sounds like you two have had this conversation a few times, which makes me think you may be trying to exercise control over her that is not consistent with the Catholic concept of marriage as between two persons of equal dignity. (Remember, this is sheer guesswork on my part. As I said, I don’t know either of you.)

She says, “You don’t trust me.” Is that true? Search your heart.

My advice: Surprise her. Say, “Go, have a good time. I trust you. If anything makes you uncomfortable, call me and I’ll come get you. I love you.”

And if she does call you to come get her, bite your tongue - don’t dare say anything resembling “I told you so.”

If you really feel there is a danger that she is not seeing, don’t fall back into that same old conversation. Swallow your pride, and ask her nicely to please consult (name of her spiritual advisor) about it before deciding to go. And if she does, and the advisor says it’s all right, see my first piece of advice!

You will gain many “good husband” points if you do this!

From a proud possessor of “good wife” points.

I’m sorry but this is not good advice. It’s not about earning points.

We already know bar hopping, drinking, partying, and a private hotel room are on the agenda. The odds of immoral behavior are extraordinarily high. A good husband would ask her wife not to go. If the situation were reversed, a good wife would ask her husband not to go.

 

[Brad]

Not to mention, many of today’s “spiritual advisors” are the last people I would trust on this issue. A primary role of a husband is to help his wife get to heaven. This is not something to hand off.

 

[vluvski]

Perhaps I’m out of touch with reality (read: naive) when I assume the ladies in question will remain moderately sober at least until the private hotel room, at which point I would also assume the wife has enough sense to leave as long as she’s not retaliating against some perceived control issue.

But I’ve never been bar-hopping or dancing at a college-crowd club, so I wouldn’t really know.

If they’re planning to get slammed from bar 1, is your wife really going to enjoy their company anyway?

 

[Brad]

vluvski:

Perhaps I’m out of touch with reality (read: naive) when I assume the ladies in question will remain moderately sober at least until the private hotel room, at which point I would also assume the wife has enough sense to leave as long as she’s not retaliating against some perceived control issue.

But I’ve never been bar-hopping or dancing at a college-crowd club, so I wouldn’t really know.

If they’re planning to get slammed from bar 1, is your wife really going to enjoy their company anyway?

I’m afraid that there is a bit of naivety going on here. Take it from someone who is a “revert” and been there. The agenda has immorality written all over it. If immorality does not occur, it would be by an exceptional grace of God. Why play lopsided roulette with the soul?

 

[manualman]

Would this conversation be happening at all if the OP was a woman who found out her husband was planning on dinner at Hooters, then drinks at a strip club? No way. Everybody would be quite clear on how inappropriate it would be to go.

You aren’t being controlling. You are expecting her to behave the same way that YOU would behave given your faith and moral convictions. If your marriage is healthy, she ought to be able to hear that you would be disappointed if she decided to do this.

 

[Dorothy]

manualman:

Would this conversation be happening at all if the OP was a woman who found out her husband was planning on dinner at Hooters, then drinks at a strip club? No way. Everybody would be quite clear on how inappropriate it would be to go.

You aren’t being controlling. You are expecting her to behave the same way that YOU would behave given your faith and moral convictions. If your marriage is healthy, she ought to be able to hear that you would be disappointed if she decided to do this.

I agree.

I was so proud and happy when before my son got married he opted to not have a bachelor party. Instead, he chose to go fishing with his Dad and his best man. He wanted nothing to do with the nonsense that goes on at these parties today.