Bachelorette Party

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Jess8285

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Hello,

I am just looking for advice on how to deal with the relationships I have with members of my family and friends. Just to let you know a little about myself. I was raised as a Catholic, went to Catholic gradeschool, and went to church every week until I was 18, however, this was only because my mom made me. After I turned 18, I stopped going to church and really didn’t know what I believed. I have 2 sisters and a brother, who also did not go to church. For several years, I felt as though I just had to be a “good person” to be accepted by God. I didn’t pay attention to anything that the Catholic church said about being a good Christian, and really, I wasn’t a good person at all. I went to college, worked part-time, and during my free-time, went out to bars with my friends, often times getting too drunk to remember what I had done the next day. This was my life…I would go out mostly with my sister, my cousin, my ex-boyfriend, my ex-best friend, and people from work. About 2 and a half years ago, I began a new relationship. My new boyfriend kind of sparked my interest in God. We began listening to Christian radio stations, and have not stopped since. I now go to Church every week, and I stopped wasting my life going out drinking every chance that I have. My life has changed tremendously. I am much more happy than I was a few years ago. I feel like I have gained self-esteem and respect for myself that I really didn’t have before.

My problem is, I am not sure how to deal with the changes in my relationships. I used to feel very close to my family and friends, however, now they just don’t want to accept that I have changed. My sisters have decided to blame my boyfriend for the changes they see in me. They do not like the fact that I don’t go out to bars like I used to. They don’t understand that I don’t want to be in that kind of environment anymore. They say that he is controlling me, and they share their feelings with others, causing a lot of stress for myself and my boyfriend. In fact, we are currently just friends/coworkers because we couldn’t handle the stress, but he is the best friend I have ever had and we are still very close. It is very hurtful that my family and friends won’t accept the fact that I have changed for myself and for God. They say that they are upset that I don’t hang out with them anymore, but they never ask me to do anything, or when they have in the past, its more of a demand to go out and had to be without my boyfriend. Also, I find it hard to relate to them. I work with my (ex)boyfriend and he is still a major part of my life. Hanging out with my sisters is difficult because they don’t want to accept that I have a good relationship with him, and that he is a great person.

My latest issue concerning my new lifestyle is a bachelorette party this weekend. My cousin is getting married later this month, and her and her fiancee’s bachelor/bachelorette parties are this weekend. I am her Maid of Honor, but the other girls planned this weekend because I was very busy with all of the other wedding plans. I am very uncomfortable with the idea of going to strip clubs/transvestite shows, which is what my cousin and her bridesmaids are planning on doing. A few months ago, I had mentioned how I felt to my cousin in conversation. This week, I called her and said that I would go out with her and the girls, but that I am not going to go to the strip club. I said that I would meet them wherever they go after they are done at these clubs. She reacted by saying “I know you don’t want to hear this, but it sounds like …(my ex-boyfriend)… is controlling you… and that it hurts her feelings that I won’t go” I was so frustrated! I tried to explain that I have changed and just don’t want to go along with everything like I used to. I said that I have faith and that I just don’t feel comfortable only to have her respond that she goes to church too, but it has nothing to do with that, it’s just one night and everybody else is going, it’s just part of the whole experience of getting married. I really don’t think it is right for engaged couples to have this kind of bachelor/bachelorette party. I personally would be very hurt if my fiancee went along with this simply because “it’s part of the experience.” I know that my cousin and my sister talk about me behind my back, simply because when they do confront me, whichever one is confronting me at the time will bring up things that the two of them have discussed about me. I feel very attacked and have anxiety over this often. Am I wrong for making these changes or not going along with the plans for this weekend?

I am very sick of having everybody criticize the positive changes that I have made in my life. I am blessed that my mom and brother are supportive, and maybe this is selfish, but I still struggle with the loss of my other relationships. I am looking for any advice on how to understand what has happened and deal with the emotional pain that I experience from it.

Thanks for your time, help & advice.
 
Hello Jess, I am glad that you have not given up hope and have come here to share your story. I am glad because I am happy to see that there are others out there who feel as I feel. I know exactly what you are going through as I went through some what similar circumstances. I too stopped going to church after 18 and while I was not as wild in my early 20’s, I was in my mid 20’s. I did many things I am not proud of and am sad about but I am glad because I was not only brought back to the church by God but am learning to become a much better person. I am now 30, married and have a 4 month old daughter.

Take heart in knowing you are on the right path, the narrow path and being on that path is not only the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life, it is without a doubt the most rewarding thing. It is called a narrow path because only few are able to walk it because of how difficult it is to live the life as a faithful Catholic. There will always be people who will not understand you, actually most will not and it will cause problems with those who are unable to accept your choices because you are showing them what they lack in their life. Those who love this life will defend what and who they are no matter the cost because in the end, it is all they have for they lack the will to seek God. Sometimes it is a lonely path, at least in so much as the people around us. It is not lonely in that we have God with us always, but sometimes we also need the affections of others and it is difficult to find people who understand us for our faith. You seem to have someone in your life who has not only been a strong influence in your life but has been a beacon of light in the shroud of darkness you had placed around yourself. Do not allow others to steal your gifts and diminish your light. Surround yourself with others who feel as you so that your light may shine brighter. I would not be stressed to keep your (ex)boyfriend in your life and I think it was most likely a wrong decision to push him away as you did.

Remember, we are called to carry our cross and follow Jesus. Remember how painful and difficult it was for Jesus to be tortured and to die by crucifixion. Then perhaps you will understand the difficulty in carrying your own cross. You have been honest and open with your family and they choose not to accept the person that you are. You will know them by their fruits and you can see the fruits of those around you, withered and broken. They are not the fresh fruits that we should be. This is not a judgement but a statement and you should be wary of the influences you allow in your life.
 
You may lose some friendships over your change. It will be hurtful at first, but time will heal it.

I, too, made some changes in my mid-twenties that also caused friction with friends, including the whole bachelorette-strip-club thing. I simply made it known I wasn’t going. I went to the dinner, and then went home. Did some people have a problem with that? Yes. Did I care? No.

Eventually, my friends either accepted me for who I was and respected my position, or they didn’t. And, so, I’m not friends with some of them any more.

You’ll make new friends. That’s the thing you must remember. And, if you and this boyfriend are serious about each other, don’t let other people influence you away from him.
 
I have been in a similar situation years ago where a wedding shower I attended morphed into something else when a male stripper showed up. I made the decision to absent myself from the room until he was done cavorting all over the room and cozying up to the women present…and yes, it wasn’t easy to do–I wondered what everyone must have thought about me—maybe they thought I was being overly religious, too uptight, or no fun, – whatever. But ultimately, that didn’t matter to me…I was trying to make decisions in my life which would be in keeping with my growing as a disciple of Jesus Christ----and this, for me would have been a step in the wrong direction.

Bottom line: This is a personal decision and no one should make another person do what they feel violates their own conscience. End of story.

Don’t expect for people in your world to understand or affirm your choices…it isn’t going to happen… just as you shouldn’t expect them to have the same value system you have now…
 
Brywan said:
Bottom line: This is a personal decision and no one should make another person do what they feel violates their own conscience. End of story.

Don’t expect for people in your world to understand or affirm your choices…it isn’t going to happen… just as you shouldn’t expect them to have the same value system you have now…
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My thoughts exactly.

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. Yes, you may lose friends, but then, anyone who is a TRUE friend will TRY to understand you and your new lifestyle choices.

Lastly, welcome to CAF! 🙂
 
I never could understand why women would want to go to a male strip club, or whatever they call it, or have a male “exotic dancer” come to a party and jump around. Or why women would want to get drunk as skunks the night before the big wedding day. A hangover doesn’t really make for good photography! And quite frankly, my own opinion is that most, probably all, people look much better with clothing on!

I’m not going to blame the bachelorette party’s ascent in popularity on the women’s movement, but if this is a phenomenon of “equality” with the guys, they can keep it, as far as I’m concerned! If I were a young woman getting married I’d really far rather have a bridal shower and at least get some kind of household goodie haul for the time spent at the party.

Kind of a pragmatic and not very spiritual outlook, I guess, but the “bachelorette party” seems like an inordinate and inane waste of time and money. Let’s see, we all get into a limo, and go pub crawling most of the night, “consuming mass quantities,” when we all have to be up, showered, and at the hairdresser’s by nine AM the following day, and on our feet, on our game, and looking radiant for the next fourteen hours or so. Oh, man, that sounds like a load of fun–NOT!

Just a thought here, and not a very good Catholic thought, either, but is there any way you could plead a migraine or stomach ache and just forgo the entire loony affair? I know that I’d certainly develop a migraine, probably pretty quickly, if I were to go and attend such nonsense!
 
Oh, and the “everyone else is doing it,” “I’d be so hurt if you don’t go,” and “it’s part of the experience of getting married” bunkum is just as manipulative as whatever she thinks your ex-boyfriend’s influence is!

And by the way, a bachelorette party isn’t necessarily part of the experience of getting married, just the same as a bachelor party isn’t. When I got married my two attendants and I went to a day spa the day before the wedding. The rehearsal was at six pm. My husband and two of his buddies played poker and drank some beer, and called it a night by ten pm, with no stripper invited. We were all wide awake and not hurting the following morning!
 
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to turn

“‘a man against his father,
a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—
36 a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’[c]

37 “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

When we follow Christ we may have to give up our friends and family, especially if they try to stop us from following him.
Just remember whats more important.

I would never dream of going to such a bachelor party let alone having one.

Dont go, you know its wrong. do not let them convince to think otherwise. It does not matter if they despise or think w.e of you.

I know its hard giving up certain people in life but serving God is more important
 
“The desire that is accomplished, delighteth the soul: fools hate them that flee from evil things. He that walketh with the wise, shall be wise: a friend of fools shall become like to them.” Proverbs 13:19-20

When we choose to make ourselves friends with Jesus, we always find out who our true friends are, *“we never fully realize the number of enemies we have to contend with until the moment we make up our mind resolutely to serve God.” *

it’s really very common, and pretty much guaranteed, that when you choose to start living a life of virtue more pleasing to God, that your sinful companions are going to start getting uncomfortable around you…why? because you threaten their way of life, and you make the devil uneasy, who thinks he has them pretty much taken care of…then you come along and “change” and he doesn’t like that either,

i can’t say i went through the same life changes as you, but i have gone through the whole “friends leaving me” scenario, i haven’t always been devout, but when i did start becoming more devout, they started drifting off…but the more devout i got, the less i felt the need for them, or i guess it was that the closer i got to God, the less i felt lonely for anyone else,
although it’s different with family, they won’t so easily “drift off”, but that’s alright, maybe by your example they will change some day to…but you need to pray for them very much.

but to answer your question -
I am looking for any advice on how to understand what has happened and deal with the emotional pain that I experience from it.
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the best way to deal with this is to give those pains to Jesus, ask Him to deal with them for you, say “Jesus, i cannot deal with these pains, you deal with them for me.” and ask Him to help you to have peace with this,

i think the best way to understand all of this is to read and meditate on the passion of Jesus, because He went through all of this, abandonment, ridicule, betrayal, calumny, and everything else, and He can teach you how to understand and deal with all of this,
here are a few good books on the passion that i think you will like -
tanbooks.com/index.php/page/shop:flypage/product_id/600
tanbooks.com/index.php/page/shop:flypage/product_id/187
tanbooks.com/index.php/page/shop:flypage/product_id/601

prayer is always best, always ask God to help you in any situation, no matter how small it may seem, because it’s usually the little things we struggle with most, and without God we can do no good, so we must never neglect to ask for His help,
and with His help, while you suffer from the criticisms of your friends and family, you can offer up those very sufferings for the conversion and salvation of their own souls, or any other suffering you endure can be offered up for them…but always remember to ask Jesus to support you.

i know it’s not easy, but try not to worry yourself over what your friends think of you, because they won’t be judging you at your death, only God will, so it really only matters what God thinks of you and no one else.
just focus on your own spiritual growth, at least for now, because even if you wanted to help them, you will be able to help better by working on yourself first, by practicing the virtues, learning your religion(especially by reading the writings of the saints) learning to love God more perfectly, overcoming your sins and faults, and learning to have peace and charity at all times in all things,
well, that sounds like quite a bit to take on, but don’t look at it in one big lump sum, just take it a step at a time at your own pace,
and as for having peace in all things, get this book - amazon.com/gp/product/0818909064/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d1_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=04KFAMK81EQMMPY9NVGK&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

i know your friends and family are causing alot of stress for you, but keep in mind that right now, they need far more help than you do,
that is one of the reasons Jesus suffered His passion so silently and willingly, because He wasn’t seeking anything for Himself, all He wanted was to save the souls of His beloved creatures, that was all that mattered, and is all that matters,
and if you learn from Him, and endure your sufferings patiently for the love of God and for the conversion of your friends and family, and pray perseveringly, then your friends and family just may see all of this in a new light, and have a change of heart…although it may take a long time, but just keep going back to God for help, and He will always replenish you.

i guess what i am trying to say is, maybe you should consider turning this around, so instead of it being about what they are doing to you, it could instead be looked at what they are doing to themselves, and by that you will turn from “stressed out” to love and compassion and pity for their souls.
after all, they can’t take from you what is most important, your soul, but they are doing a fine job of losing their own souls, so what’s the real problem here?
when God sends us sufferings it’s always for a reason, and we very often receive, as the saints did, sufferings from the very people God intends to convert with those very sufferings,
even if you don’t know what to say to them or even how to make sense of this yourself, don’t worry about that, because we do far more by suffering silently and by giving a good example than any words could ever do, as Saint Vincent Ferrer says - “Preach often, and when necessary, use words.”

well, that’s all for now, so i hope this helps,
and here are some Catholic audio sites i think you will like -
audiosancto.org/
keepthefaith.org/
fultonsheen.com/Fulton-Sheen-MP3.cfm

ok, i will keep you and your loved in my prayers, take care.
 
You may be in this world, but you don’t have to be of this world.

Take comfort in knowing that although you may not feel like one of the “in crowd” now, one day you will be welcomed into a very joyous crowd as you step into Eternity.

Stay strong. Pray. Be a good witness.
 
Dump these people and don’t look back. Let them fall quickly from memory. In the end, all you have is your integrity. Don’t bend an inch if you don’t truely want to.
 
Hold strong! It may hurt you to not go along with them, but remember that Christ was even killed.

“Blessed are ye when they shall revile you, and persecute you, and speak all that is evil against you, untruly, for my sake: Be glad and rejoice, for your reward is very great in heaven. For so they persecuted the prophets that were before you.”

Matthew 5:11-12

You are not alone, and can be assured of my prayers!
 
Friends and family worry when they see drastic changes in their loved ones that seem directly connected to a significant other- especially if he is not a spouse and the changes happened quickly. Even if the changes are positive, if they are rooted in a non-permanent relationship rather than rooted in true conversion, they will not be permanent and they are not positive.

I did not say that to question your conversion. I do not know how close you are to these “friends” or even the family members. If you are serious about your conversion (reversion?) make sure that they can see both the changes and the authenticity. You are not making these changes because you want to be someone that your boyfriend can love. You are making these changes because he reintroduced you to the Lord, and you fell in Love with the faith. Be sure that they can see that it is loyalty to the Church, not to a boyfriend, that inspires this new virtue.

They can hardly argue that it is not virtuous. They are either mourning the loss of a good party friend or they are truly worried that your identity is so wrapped up in your boyfriend that you are disappearing. These are both reasonable worries for someone who loves you. You can reassure them by being a strong virtuous woman. Throw a party- a good party- but without strippers. Show them you are not opposed to fun. (Catholics can do that. :p) Talk to them. Spend time with the women you care about, without the men. Maybe propose a monthly girls night or something like that. You are not gone, you are growing.

It is possible that they cannot accept the changes. It is possible that their motives are less virtuous. It is possible that they cannot have fun without strippers etc… If that is the case, you are cornered. But know that in that case it is them, not you, who is walking away from the relationship.

Stay rooted in your faith. Let God lead. Invite them to see you as the better person that you are. You say you have better self-esteem- awesome! Let them see the positive changes, and don’t worry about their reactions. Be a light. Let God shine through you, and be happy in the virtuous woman that you are trying to be.
 
Jess8285 said:
I went to church every week until I was 18, however, this was only because my mom made me. After I turned 18, I stopped going to church and really didn’t know what I believed. I have 2 sisters and a brother, who also did not go to church. I wasn’t a good person at all. I went out to bars with my friends, often times getting too drunk to remember what I had done the next day. About 2 and a half years ago, I began a new relationship. My new boyfriend kind of sparked my interest in God. I now go to Church every week, and I stopped wasting my life going out drinking every chance that I have. I am much more happy than I was a few years ago.

…they just don’t want to accept that I have changed. My sisters have decided to blame my boyfriend for the changes they see in me. They say that he is controlling me, and they share their feelings with others, causing a lot of stress for myself and my boyfriend. In fact, we are currently just friends/coworkers because we couldn’t handle the stress, but he is the best friend I have ever had and we are still very close. It is very hurtful that my family and friends won’t accept the fact that I have changed for myself and for God.

My cousin is getting married later this month, and her bachelorette party is this weekend. I am her Maid of Honor, but the other girls planned this weekend because I was very busy with all of the other wedding plans. I am very uncomfortable with the idea of going to strip clubs/transvestite shows. I called her and said that I would go out with her and the girls, but that I am not going to go to the strip club. I said that I would meet them wherever they go after they are done at these clubs. She reacted by saying “I know you don’t want to hear this, but it sounds like …(my ex-boyfriend)… is controlling you… and that it hurts her feelings that I won’t go” I was so frustrated! I said that I have faith and that I just don’t feel comfortable only to have her respond that she goes to church too, but it has nothing to do with that, it’s just one night and everybody else is going, it’s just part of the whole experience of getting married. I feel very attacked and have anxiety over this often. Am I wrong for making these changes or not going along with the plans for this weekend.
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Hi Jess,
NO, you are absolutely not wrong for making these changes in your life. Stick to your faith, and don’t go to the strip club tonight. No matter how you look at it, it is unchaste to go to a strip club. The mere fact that society “dictates” that this is what you do before you get married, is sick.

Now for the more depressing part. You will lose some friends over this. Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken over two years. This is another reason why you can’t go to the strip club tonight. You are under their microscope. These women are acutely aware that they are not living holy lives, and having you as a comparison makes them even more uncomfortable. I will pray for your perseverance.

As for more long-term advice, as hard as it’s going to be, I would just ignore these people. Tell your boyfriend that he should be joyful that he was the cause of your conversion.
God bless
 
Hey Jess 🙂 What I would advice you to do is…stay true to who you are and what you believe in. I understand quite well everything that you’ve said here. Before I met my current boyfriend, I was an atheist (though I was still very spiritual, but definitely not religious), and I was ok talking about sex with my friends (though I couldn’t talk much from experience, and I always felt pressure because of that) and most definitely ok going out with them and getting blind drunk… The whole getting drunk thing changed overtime, as I got more and more involved with spirituality, but after I met my boyfriend, he changed my life completely and gave me that final push that I need to go towards God. Clearly, with that change in my life, along came many, many others…and no one was able to get this. I am thankful my old friends didn’t blame my boyfriend (at least not to my face) for this change, but, well, I lost those friends, nonetheless. Though I still see them from time to time, we have such different points of view (especially regarding sex) that it was impossible for our friendship to remain the same.

Your current situation is definitely tough and tricky. I can only tell you what I would do: if you’ve been asked to be the Maid of Honor, then the bride is someone who is very close to you and loves you dearly. As such, she loves YOU, not who she thinks you should be. If she truly cares about you, she should understand and respect your decisions. You can explain that to her, without getting frustrated or angry at her, just making sure she knows where you’re coming from, and after explaining that to her, stay true to what you believe and don’t go to those places they’re going to (and I agree, I find it awful for Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties to go that way…) Maybe you can write her a letter for her to read on that day, letting her know how much you love her, but also asking for her to understand, respect and love you in return. It’s all about mutual respect - you may not understand why they want to celebrate the way they want to celebrate, but, as painful as it is, all you can do is love them and respect their choices. This you must do if you want to ask for that in return…and in the privacy of your home, pray for them to at least eventually see why what they’re doing is far from ideal.

When I talked to a priest friend of mine about feeling painfully alone because I lost pretty much 90% of my friends due to my new-found faith, he told me that when you decide to become a Warrior of Christ, you need to be prepared to be judged, lonely, hated, misunderstood and to have many people turn their back on you. He also reminded me what a blessing it is to be in this position…God will never give you something you can’t cope with. If He’s put you in such a difficult position, if because He trusts you are strong enough to deal with it.

Find that strength in Him. This path at times feels very lonely, but what keeps me going is trying to remember that I am never alone.

I’ll be praying for you! Stay strong, and God bless 🙂

PS: Just realized that the party was last night. I hope it all went well! I will keep you in my prayers for any future struggles regarding this. Many blessings to you!
 
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