Back again with mother in law issues...I really need some advice. I'm so distraught that I can't even pray

[Compostella]

Okay so I’m back with MIL issues. The last time I posted on here it was about her as well and some of you suggested that I just not host her at my house when she comes in to town. Well my pushover self let her come and stay again, but this time things got really bad.
She went to visit her sister one night and got to my house around 1:30 or 2 am and I could tell she had been drinking. My husband, his sister and I were on the couch talking since we had gotten home late from a party. As soon as she got here, she started saying that some “big rude lady” wouldn’t let her hold my baby. She knew that who she was referring to is my son’s godmother and best friend (one of the nicest people I know). I told her that I didn’t think that if she asked her to hold the baby (which she didn’t) that my friend would’ve said no. So she says well I didn’t even have to ask, I could feel her ugly attitude. I told her that if she was holding my baby for a long time it was because she and I were pregnant at the same time and our due dates were only a week apart, but her baby passed away so she’s very attached to my baby…to which she responded “so what, I’m the grandma and I don’t see her as often.” I ignored her and stayed quiet. Then she started saying that we don’t make an effort to go see her and throwing little jabs here and there so I just calmly said that last time she came, she hadn’t seen my son in a year and spent no time with him, that she made her own plans with her sisters and paid him no attention to which she responded (in a rude tone) “well just like y’all make plans when y’all go visit, I do too.” We had dinner with my aunt, who happened to be in the same city, when we went almost two years ago and she was throwing that in my face, saying that we are only supposed to spend time with my husband’s family when we are over there. We spent all of our time with his family other than that, but she was mad that it was with my husband’s dad’s side of the family, which I didn’t even have control over. I just follow my husband’s lead over there. Then she called me selfish and said she doesn’t see her son because of me (even though she was staying at my house She told me that I owe her respect and that I give her place to my father in law’s wife (a very nice lady) because she buys me things and that I’m the type of person that is bought off with material things (the lady brings food when she comes is all) and that she wasn’t going to buy me anything. She called my FIL’s wife a few names and again I calmly told her that no one has to buy me anything and that I treat people the way I’m treated. She then proceeded to say in a mocking voice “you, who wants to act so religious and act like you go to church, you should start with yourself and your home” at this point I’d had enough and quietly told her “my home is fine and the door is right there, you need to leave my house because no one is going to come into my house and insult and raise their voice at me.” (My husband was sitting there the whole time and didn’t say a word other than that he loved us and wasn’t getting involved, which caused a whole other issue between him and I. I felt so disrespected and mad that my husband wouldn’t stand up for me, as usual, with her.) She got furious and said that she was going to leave, but not before “telling everything she needed to say.” She started screaming and calling me a hypocrite. I told her I was not and she kept repeating “yes you are, yes you are, yes you are” with her fingers pointed in my face. I told her to get her fingers away from me and to get out! She went and told my husband that “he needed to grow a pair and defend her” before she left.
My husband and I didn’t speak for two days. He apologized to me and said how ashamed he was for not standing up for me. I forgave him, but it still hurts. I told him she was never allowed in my home again. Now I feel guilt with Jesus. I feel ashamed of the anger I felt and that I don’t want her around anymore. She’s always caused problems in our marriage. For the same reason that he won’t stand up for me when she’s out of hand. Can I forgive in my heart and still not want to be around her? I’m spiritually torn and would appreciate any advice.

 

[Winter_Warlock_1]

Compostella

I am sorry you are going through this. My advice is – hold true to your first action. Do not let this woman back into your house. Flat out! If this person – or any other – has no respect for you, your family, and your kindness allowing them to stay with your family – then they can stay at a hotel.

If this behavior does not stop and you and your husband keep letting her do this, how do you think that would affect your child as they get older and see how she treats other people and you both? He could start viewing this type of behavior as normal for adults and adopt it also.

Until this woman can get over her anger (yes she is very angry) and her belittling of others then she can stay elsewhere when she visits – until she grows up herself.

Just my view.

I pray God grants you and your family strength and peace.

Winter

 

[Compostella]

Compostella

I am sorry you are going through this. My advice is – hold true to your first action. Do not let this woman back into your house. Flat out! If this person – or any other – has no respect for you, your family, and your kindness allowing them to stay with your family – then they can stay at a hotel.

If this behavior does not stop and you and your husband keep letting her do this, how do you think that would affect your child as they get older and see how she treats other people and you both? He could start viewing this type of behavior as normal for adults and adopt it also.

Until this woman can get over her anger (yes she is very angry) and her belittling of others then she can stay elsewhere when she visits – until she grows up herself.

Just my view.

I pray God grants you and your family strength and peace.

Winter

Thank you so much! I think she’s angry too. It always feels so tense when she’s around. I just feel like maybe I’m not being a good Christ-like person by not allowing her to come around. I’m kind of a pushover…but I’ve really had enough.

 

[Compostella]

I am going to be honest, with all Christian charity this situation transpired in a great many ways because of you. I am not absolving anyone else of their wrongdoings, it’s just that you set up this situation.

You have a mother-in-law that you KNOW is disagreeable. You invited her into your home which was a mistake, then it seems you attempted to reason with her when she was dead drunk. Why you engaged her in conversation is something I don’t understand. When she made a comment about a “big rude lady” at the party you should have taken the high road and let it go. Unfortunately you attempted to reason with someone who was drunk and completely unreasonable, that was a huge mistake.

Another mistake is expecting something of your husband that he is not capable of giving you at this time. Your husband needs encouragement to stand up to his mother. He has probably been beaten down by her all of his life, now he is being beaten down by you for not standing up to her. Your husband needs lots of love and encouragement from you before he can stand up to his mother. For you to be a “pushover” and let her stay there before your husband was ready to make that kind of a stand to her is not fair.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I had similar toxic relationships in my life and they are heartbreaking. Jesus loves you, He will help you through this time. My suggestion is to make up with your husband as best as you can. Yes, your husband was wrong to not stand up for you! However you probably knew he wasn’t ready to take that step before she came, so you should apologize to him for that. It was also not wise to get in an argument with a drunk at 2:00 in the morning, that was a mistake and it might be a good idea to try and make amends for that.

You are not obligated to have her stay at your home, in fact it should never have happened in the first place. Ask the Holy Spirit to give your courage and help you discern how to move on from here. Please be assured of my prayers, God bless.

Thank you so much for your prayers! I need them.

She wasn’t dead drunk at all. She was fully aware. She’s behaved like this while completely sober and with other people too. BUT you are right. I should’ve definitely taken the high road and ignored her. I was trying to be polite and not just go to my room when she sat down to talk. I also never invited her to come stay. She called and told us that she was coming and staying here because she “couldn’t afford a hotel.” My husband has, up until what happened, expected for me to be okay with her staying at our house when she comes. I let it happen because I don’t want him to be upset and to not be mean.

I have reconciled with my husband. We’ve talked about it and we are good. I’m still hurt, but don’t tell him or bring it up anymore.

 

[Compostella]

Thank you for clarifying.

The main issue here is the relationship between you and your husband. This actually has very little to do with your mother-in-law but has everything to do with your marriage and how you are going to build a life together.

How likely is it for your husband to invite your mother-in-law to stay down the road? Probably not now, maybe not soon but is he going to not allow her to come if she asks 5-10 years from now? This man couldn’t even stand up to his mom when she was brazenly insulting his wife in front of her face, I don’t know that he has the capacity to shut out his mother from his home forever.

THAT is the relationship that needs attention and focus, your marriage. Try as best as you can not to worry about your mother-in-law for the time being. Tell your husband you love him, you trust him and that you are happy that you married him. He needs a woman by his side that builds him up, he didn’t get it growing up, now is a good time for him to get that support. With your encouragement and trust he can begin to grow into a stronger man. Give him love, as much as you can, this is the foundation that will stand against all outside forces that are trying to hurt you. Please take care as best as you can.

I definitely agree that that relationship is what needs focus. I’ve been doing everything you recommended. I’ve been trying to be loving and supporting. We have a really good marriage. The only thing we’ve ever really fought about is his mom. She doesn’t act like she was bad to him growing up. On the contrary, she always has to talk about how much she loves him and how good of a mom she is.
Thank you for your kind words. God bless you!

 

[Allegra]

You are under no obligation to entertain this disagreeable woman anymore. If your husband attempts to get her into the house again, go to a hotel yourself until she leaves. You can’t expect your husband to stand up to her if you can’t even tell her ‘no’ yourself. She has no right or business being in you home. If you agree to see her elsewhere, be absolutely prepared to pack up your family and walk out if she refuses to control herself. Don’t waste you time arguing with her or expecting her to change. Just take yourself elsewhere.

 

[EasterJoy]

I will offer a concept that helped me very much: There is a big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness only takes one. Forgiveness is letting go of ill will and the desire to even a score with someone you feel has injured you. It only requires that you say, “I hope for mercy I do not deserve, so show her mercy, too. Leave the way for reconciliation open.” Reconciliation takes the cooperation of both parties. It is the rebuilding of a relationship of trust that has been broken. Where there is no foundation for building trust, there can be no reconciliation. This is why the sacrament of penance requires our return, our willingness to admit our wrongs, our contrition and willingness to make amends. Reconciliation requires an openness to both parties to act in a trustworthy manner. You may have to content yourself with forgiving your MIL in the unfortunate knowledge that you have no immediate hope of reconciling with her.

The father of the prodigal son forgave him before he came back. He bore him no ill will and wanted a relationship. Notice, however, that in spite of the parable of the sheep the father in the parable of the prodigal son did not go out looking for him. He watched the horizon for him to come back, but he did not go out to drag him back.

Why is that? It is because their reconciliation required the prodigal son to come back of his own accord and to be willing to bend himself as required to rebuild a relationship of trust. He needed to repent of the harm he had done and he needed to accept and openly admit that he had abused a position of trust and was in need of mercy.

From what you are describing, you are not being offered the choice to have a relationship with your MIL. She is not offering even the minimum amount of cooperation required to make that happen. She does not regret attacking you, and it is reasonable to believe that she will attack you without remorse if she gets another chance.

I can’t say why, but your husband’s mother is either playing a few cards short of a full deck, making hay by giving the impression that she is, or both. That is neither here nor there, though. You don’t have to know why she acts as she does. You only need to accept the ways in which she can and cannot be trusted, expect that she may keep acting in a similar way, and decide on your (plural) own boundaries with her accordingly. Trust her as much as she deserves, be willing to be giving towards her, but do not put her in a position of trust that she has not earned. We get angry when we expect a certain treatment and do not get it. Stop expecting her to act better than she does, but rather expect she will act as she usually does. You can adjust that when you learn she is willing to do better.

Do not beat yourself up for defending yourself, but your were right to see that it was counter-productive. It is as if you are giving a good medication for the wrong illness. A willingness to explain yourselves to each other is** not **what is lacking between you and your MIL. You are not going to explain away her bitterness, her jealousy, or her willingness to make personal attacks on you. Whatever her reasons, she is not attacking you in a misplaced desire to improve your relationship through honest feedback. Do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they get trampled underfoot and you get ripped to pieces.

BTW, be suspicious of anyone who tries to manipulate you by a) implying you are a bad Christian if you don’t bend to their will or b) trying to make you feel sorry for them. As you have found, there is no good to be done by rising to this bait. It is a cheap ploy, and it deserves to be ignored as entirely as possible.

As far as prayer, goes, don’t forget that “help, I’m overwhelmed, please hold me” is a perfectly good prayer. Crawl up onto God’s lap, embrace him, and let the anxiety and the “fight or flight” wash away. That is enough. The rest can wait.

You and your husband might also want to accept that his mom’s refusal to act as a MIL ought to act is something that causes you grief. Be willing to grieve, then. Be ready for this to be a source of sadness that you need to work through. A son wants his mother to love his wife as he does. A wife wants her husband’s mother to see her in a positive way. You are being denied that pleasure and that validation. Don’t be unwilling to admit that you have both suffered a loss. Don’t feel it is wrong to grieve that loss. It is OK. I think it is necessary to go through that grief process in order to accept the difference between what you might have hoped to have between yourselves and your MIL and what you are actually getting. If you cannot accept that loss by grieving it until you can let go of your grief and re-calibrate your expectations, you will probably find that letting go of anger towards her for not being what you would hope her to be in your lives is going to be next to impossible.

In other words: Go through the grief, then let go of the loss, at least a bit, then you can let go of the anger and the desire to get back for the loss, then you can forgive. One thing at a time…

 

[Eliza10]

…She then proceeded to say in a mocking voice “you, who wants to act so religious and act like you go to church, you should start with yourself and your home” at this point I’d had enough and quietly told her “my home is fine and the door is right there, you need to leave my house because no one is going to come into my house and insult and raise their voice at me.” (My husband was sitting there the whole time and didn’t say a word other than that he loved us and wasn’t getting involved, which caused a whole other issue between him and I. I felt so disrespected and mad that my husband wouldn’t stand up for me, as usual, with her.) She got furious and said that she was going to leave, but not before “telling everything she needed to say.” She started screaming and calling me a hypocrite. I told her I was not and she kept repeating “yes you are, yes you are, yes you are” with her fingers pointed in my face. I told her to get her fingers away from me and to get out! She went and told my husband that “he needed to grow a pair and defend her” before she left.
My husband and I didn’t speak for two days. He apologized to me and said how ashamed he was for not standing up for me. I forgave him, but it still hurts. I told him she was never allowed in my home again. Now I feel guilt with Jesus. I feel ashamed of the anger I felt and that I don’t want her around anymore. She’s always caused problems in our marriage. For the same reason that he won’t stand up for me when she’s out of hand. Can I forgive in my heart and still not want to be around her? I’m spiritually torn and would appreciate any advice.

Anger is not a sin. Its what you do with the anger that can be a sin. Like revenge on her, etc. Pray for those who persecute you, but that doesn’t mean be their friend. She is no friend to you or your family. She is trying to divide your family. You are defending it so you are doing the right thing.

You did the totally right thing. She should NOT be welcome in your house ANY MORE. Furthermore, I would NOT see her in her house or or town or ANYWHERE. And, if you aren’t going to be with your children to see her, your children should not see her, either! NOT EVEN with your husband, who does not know how to defend their mother if she is undermined in his and their presence.

Your husband has the power to remedy this situation (which could certainly go on forever if need be) by learning to do something very, very, very, very different, and defend his wife. He TRULY needs to LEAVE his father and his mother and CLEAVE unto his wife.

If he can’t do that, then: natural consequences. You will protect yourself AND your children from her.

(DON’T make the mistake of sending your children to her out of your presence. She will undermine you to them, to get her victory. She will plant seeds of dissidence, that can take root later. So protect them and your whole family until (and if) your husband is ready to do the right thing. By changing drastically in this way, and being stalwart in this, you will help enable him to do the right thing, and in the end he will feel much better about himself if he does - and his doing the right thing might take some years off his purgatory. and hers. Very charitable of you. )

 

[Compostella]

You are under no obligation to entertain this disagreeable woman anymore. If your husband attempts to get her into the house again, go to a hotel yourself until she leaves. You can’t expect your husband to stand up to her if you can’t even tell her ‘no’ yourself. She has no right or business being in you home. If you agree to see her elsewhere, be absolutely prepared to pack up your family and walk out if she refuses to control herself. Don’t waste you time arguing with her or expecting her to change. Just take yourself elsewhere.

Thank you for your advice!
I don’t plan to see her anywhere else. I really don’t want anything to do with her and that is what I’m struggling with. I feel like I’m being a bad person for wanting to stay away from her and because I don’t want my children around her without me.

 

[Compostella]

I will offer a concept that helped me very much: There is a big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness only takes one. Forgiveness is letting go of ill will and the desire to even a score with someone you feel has injured you. It only requires that you say, “I hope for mercy I do not deserve, so show her mercy, too. Leave the way for reconciliation open.” Reconciliation takes the cooperation of both parties. It is the rebuilding of a relationship of trust that has been broken. Where there is no foundation for building trust, there can be no reconciliation. This is why the sacrament of penance requires our return, our willingness to admit our wrongs, our contrition and willingness to make amends. Reconciliation requires an openness to both parties to act in a trustworthy manner. You may have to content yourself with forgiving your MIL in the unfortunate knowledge that you have no immediate hope of reconciling with her.

The father of the prodigal son forgave him before he came back. He bore him no ill will and wanted a relationship. Notice, however, that in spite of the parable of the sheep the father in the parable of the prodigal son did not go out looking for him. He watched the horizon for him to come back, but he did not go out to drag him back.

Why is that? It is because their reconciliation required the prodigal son to come back of his own accord and to be willing to bend himself as required to rebuild a relationship of trust. He needed to repent of the harm he had done and he needed to accept and openly admit that he had abused a position of trust and was in need of mercy.

From what you are describing, you are not being offered the choice to have a relationship with your MIL. She is not offering even the minimum amount of cooperation required to make that happen. She does not regret attacking you, and it is reasonable to believe that she will attack you without remorse if she gets another chance.

I can’t say why, but your husband’s mother is either playing a few cards short of a full deck, making hay by giving the impression that she is, or both. That is neither here nor there, though. You don’t have to know why she acts as she does. You only need to accept the ways in which she can and cannot be trusted, expect that she may keep acting in a similar way, and decide on your (plural) own boundaries with her accordingly. Trust her as much as she deserves, be willing to be giving towards her, but do not put her in a position of trust that she has not earned. We get angry when we expect a certain treatment and do not get it. Stop expecting her to act better than she does, but rather expect she will act as she usually does. You can adjust that when you learn she is willing to do better.

Do not beat yourself up for defending yourself, but your were right to see that it was counter-productive. It is as if you are giving a good medication for the wrong illness. A willingness to explain yourselves to each other is** not **what is lacking between you and your MIL. You are not going to explain away her bitterness, her jealousy, or her willingness to make personal attacks on you. Whatever her reasons, she is not attacking you in a misplaced desire to improve your relationship through honest feedback. Do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they get trampled underfoot and you get ripped to pieces.

BTW, be suspicious of anyone who tries to manipulate you by a) implying you are a bad Christian if you don’t bend to their will or b) trying to make you feel sorry for them. As you have found, there is no good to be done by rising to this bait. It is a cheap ploy, and it deserves to be ignored as entirely as possible.

As far as prayer, goes, don’t forget that “help, I’m overwhelmed, please hold me” is a perfectly good prayer. Crawl up onto God’s lap, embrace him, and let the anxiety and the “fight or flight” wash away. That is enough. The rest can wait.

You and your husband might also want to accept that his mom’s refusal to act as a MIL ought to act is something that causes you grief. Be willing to grieve, then. Be ready for this to be a source of sadness that you need to work through. A son wants his mother to love his wife as he does. A wife wants her husband’s mother to see her in a positive way. You are being denied that pleasure and that validation. Don’t be unwilling to admit that you have both suffered a loss. Don’t feel it is wrong to grieve that loss. It is OK. I think it is necessary to go through that grief process in order to accept the difference between what you might have hoped to have between yourselves and your MIL and what you are actually getting. If you cannot accept that loss by grieving it until you can let go of your grief and re-calibrate your expectations, you will probably find that letting go of anger towards her for not being what you would hope her to be in your lives is going to be next to impossible.

In other words: Go through the grief, then let go of the loss, at least a bit, then you can let go of the anger and the desire to get back for the loss, then you can forgive. One thing at a time…

Thank you so much for taking your time to write me. You are very wise and your words ring true. my question is do I have to want a reconciliation if she ever wants one? I really don’t want to be around her anymore. Am I being a bad Christian if i want to stay away from her? Maybe I am because I’m not really grieving her. She only comes around a few times a year, but those are the most uncomfortable times for me and of course my husband and I always fight about something she said or did.

 

[Allegra]

Thank you for your advice!
I don’t plan to see her anywhere else. I really don’t want anything to do with her and that is what I’m struggling with. I feel like I’m being a bad person for wanting to stay away from her and because I don’t want my children around her without me.

You may feel obligated in the future to see her at family events and gatherings so that’s what I was referring to.

 

[Compostella]

Anger is not a sin. Its what you do with the anger that can be a sin. Like revenge on her, etc. Pray for those who persecute you, but that doesn’t mean be their friend. She is no friend to you or your family. She is trying to divide your family. You are defending it so you are doing the right thing.

You did the totally right thing. She should NOT be welcome in your house ANY MORE. Furthermore, I would NOT see her in her house or or town or ANYWHERE. And, if you aren’t going to be with your children to see her, your children should not see her, either! NOT EVEN with your husband, who does not know how to defend their mother if she is undermined in his and their presence.

Your husband has the power to remedy this situation (which could certainly go on forever if need be) by learning to do something very, very, very, very different, and defend his wife. He TRULY needs to LEAVE his father and his mother and CLEAVE unto his wife.

If he can’t do that, then: natural consequences. You will protect yourself AND your children from her.

(DON’T make the mistake of sending your children to her out of your presence. She will undermine you to them, to get her victory. She will plant seeds of dissidence, that can take root later. So protect them and your whole family until (and if) your husband is ready to do the right thing. By changing drastically in this way, and being stalwart in this, you will help enable him to do the right thing, and in the end he will feel much better about himself if he does - and his doing the right thing might take some years off his purgatory. and hers. Very charitable of you. )

Thank you so much for reading and responding me with your advice.
I do not plan on letting my children see her without me, but was torn about it because I didn’t know if that would be bad of me. I don’t want her around my children or me anymore. It was scary to see that she had her fingers so close to my face as if she wanted to hit me. Her anger was more than obvious.
I agree with you about my husband. This really could’ve been prevented if he had just said anything, “let’s talk calmly or calm down”. I don’t expect him to yell or curse her out, but I do expect him to give me my place as his wife. It was very hurtful that he didn’t and never had before, but we talked about it and I think he finally sees that he wasn’t acting like my husband at that time or other times before.

 

[Compostella]

You are most certainly not a bad person for wanting to stay away from her. It is acceptable to be a good Catholic and distance yourself and your family from someone that a relationship with is unhealthy.

What I would suggest though, is that you are 100% CLEAR on what kind of relationship you are comfortable with, and for how long. Make sure that you and your husband discuss this more than once, and are on the same page. You don’t want to visit your mother-in-law but would you let your husband mail her a birthday card? You don’t want her staying in your home, but how do you feel if your husband called her to wish her a Merry Christmas? Based on reading your posts, I don’t know if your husband is totally on board with having her out of your lives forever. Decide together and be clear on what you are going to do going forward that is do-able and reasonable. Perhaps your husband would like to meet her occasionally for coffee or a visit? If you don’t have guidelines, one of you will cross the line then you will disagree and it will more than likely turn into a fight.

I speak from some experience. I had to have these most difficult conversations with my husband and it was awful but we had to do it. We literally outlined how many visits, how many phone calls, how many cards we were going to send and when. It seemed weird but it really helped us because simply “don’t want anything to do with someone” can be misinterpreted and a sympathetic phone call by a son to his mother because it’s Mother’s Day can throw everyone out of whack unless you agree on what to do in advance. So sorry you are going through this. Please take care as best as you can.

Monicad, you are so helpful! Thank you!
I hadn’t even thought of it that way. I don’t mind him seeing her or calling her, but I don’t want to nor do I want my children around her. (I wish next time he’d talk to her he’s let her know how wrong her behavior was, but I have no control of that ) You were very specific in your situation and it opened my eyes to do the same thing. It is much better to be 100% clear like you said! Thank you again so much! God bless you!

 

[Magdalen2013]

Both you and your husband should consider going to a marriage counselor – it’s about time the two of you learned to set boundaries, and he needs to be told by someone outside the relationship that he should support YOU not his mother.

Unless and until the two of you can present a united front, this woman will try to undermine both of you.

 

[Eliza10]

Thank you so much for reading and responding me with your advice.
I do not plan on letting my children see her without me, but was torn about it because I didn’t know if that would be bad of me. I don’t want her around my children or me anymore. It was scary to see that she had her fingers so close to my face as if she wanted to hit me. Her anger was more than obvious.
I agree with you about my husband. This really could’ve been prevented if he had just said anything, “let’s talk calmly or calm down”. I don’t expect him to yell or curse her out, but I do expect him to give me my place as his wife. It was very hurtful that he didn’t and never had before, but we talked about it and I think he finally sees that he wasn’t acting like my husband at that time or other times before.

That’s good. Its a weakness he has, and its very, very wrong, but its an understandable weakness. She was a bit of a bully, and for a kid, he coped in a very sensible way (“Never cross Mom”), and now that’s his habitual, automatic response to her. Its hard to change our set-in since-childhood habits. But we can, if we have reason enough to. I think telling him what you want him to do, as you already did, and then responding to the situation appropriately (keeping you and your children away from someone who actively works to divide your family) and letting the natural consequences (vs. your nagging) be the incentive for him to do the right thing is a good way to go.

And be sure to pray for her particularly. Oh, and as far as love our enemies, that refers to the charitable love of God, not warm fuzzy feelings. Acts of love. And praying faithfully for her soul is a great act of charity.

 

[1990Domer]

Monicad, you are so helpful! Thank you!
I hadn’t even thought of it that way. I don’t mind him seeing her or calling her, but I don’t want to nor do I want my children around her. (I wish next time he’d talk to her he’s let her know how wrong her behavior was, but I have no control of that ) You were very specific in your situation and it opened my eyes to do the same thing. It is much better to be 100% clear like you said! Thank you again so much! God bless you!

I second and third Monicad’s advice. She helped me with MIL issues and we did nearly the exact same thing. Except, we did go to counseling because things got so bad that I nearly left my husband if he didn’t deal with her. It worked.

For your sake, I hope she is on the older side.

 

[1990Domer]

Both you and your husband should consider going to a marriage counselor – it’s about time the two of you learned to set boundaries, and he needs to be told by someone outside the relationship that he should support YOU not his mother.

Unless and until the two of you can present a united front, this woman will try to undermine both of you.

I have to agree. It saved our marriage.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you so much for taking your time to write me. You are very wise and your words ring true. my question is do I have to want a reconciliation if she ever wants one? I really don’t want to be around her anymore. Am I being a bad Christian if i want to stay away from her? Maybe I am because I’m not really grieving her. She only comes around a few times a year, but those are the most uncomfortable times for me and of course my husband and I always fight about something she said or did.

No, I meant you would be grieving the difference between the relationship you might have hoped to have with your future MIL before you had ever met her. We look around, we see what is possible, and it can hurt to know that you aren’t going to be given the opportunity that we might have naturally hoped to have had. More to the point, the hurtful things she says hurt more because ideally the MILs are reliable parts of your family’s support system, rather than its major challenge. That hurts, that hurt can add greatly to your anger. All the MIL jokes in the world don’t change that (although they can reassure you that you are not alone).

I do not look at reconciliation between persons as a yes-no thing. The example I like to use is that if someone who is caught embezzling it is foolish to give them a job as a cashier later. You may decide not to have them thrown into jail, you may even let them have an account at the bank, but they have to be fired. You can’t trust her completely. Maybe you and your husband cannot trust yourselves around her at all. I don’t know.

No, you are not a bad Christian for refusing to make yourself a near occasion of sin for her. You certainly are not a bad person for disliking someone who works so hard to be unlikeable. Sure, if you can turn the other cheek and go two miles when she pushes you to go one, that is the ideal in loving our enemies. (Let there be no doubt: your MIL has made herself your enemy.) You’ll notice in the Holy Scriptures, however, that Our Lord did avoid his enemies, and not just on the Flight to Egypt. Your MIL is fully responsible for the reasons you don’t want to be around her, and you have tried. You can be the judge of when to hazard her and when not to do that.

You and your husband have each other’s back. I can’t say what amount of exposure to her is right, if any, nor how often. That’s for you two to discern. Work out how to handle her and how to protect your family from her vitriol together. It will take some compromises and it may take some trial and error, but the most important thing is for the two of you to handle this as one. My first suggestion is that you make it behavior-based; that is, there ought to be behaviors that you agree are entirely intolerable. For those, you have to have an agreement about what you will do when you are done “tolerating” her. In that way, you can do what you planned to do, be on the same page, and have a unified front around her. That will almost certainly help you both to feel more calm when you’re dealing with her.

The blessing you have is that you are both willing to go that route of communication, joint decision, and joint action. May God be with you as you do!