Backbiting- friends

[divinefaith]

I have been doing this so much about some of my friends. I seem to let out my frustration especially when I feel envious or just angry.

I wonder if I should just come clean and tell those people how I’ve been very 2 faced or just give up having a close friendship because I dont want to be the fake backstabber

What would be a charitable way to go about this situation?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Make a good examination of conscience and go to confession! Do your penance afterward and imagine Jesus’ heart breaking every time you gossip about your friends. Pretty soon you will stop hurting Jesus with this sin.

You do not need to confess to your friends unless you want to lose them. Just repent and work on not doing it any more. It is a hard habit to break but you can do it with help from the Holy Spirit. Pray a rosary when you have time, and say a Hail Mary when you start to format any gossip or nastiness in your mind for speaking out loud.

 

[divinefaith]

Make a good examination of conscience and go to confession! Do your penance afterward and imagine Jesus’ heart breaking every time you gossip about your friends. Pretty soon you will stop hurting Jesus with this sin.

You do not need to confess to your friends unless you want to lose them. Just repent and work on not doing it any more. It is a hard habit to break but you can do it with help from the Holy Spirit. Pray a rosary when you have time, and say a Hail Mary when you start to format any gossip or nastiness in your mind for speaking out loud.

That’s good advice Juliane I need to ask more for God’s assistance in overcoming this nasty habit. But I also believe I need to look deeper to find out why I tend to act like that and resolve those issues. It’s so tough when these bad habits actually give you a sense of ‘power’.

The reason why I even feel that I need to confess to my friends is because some of them have really been helping me to get thru some troubles e.g one of my friends today was advising me on how I could go about making an income (since I’m struggling with that). I keep thinking and questioning if they would still be helping me if they knew my true colors. Kinda feels like fraud

And I feel so awful and shy about saying this about myself here on CAF

 

[nodito]

I wonder if I should just come clean and tell those people how I’ve been very 2 faced or just give up having a close friendship because I dont want to be the fake backstabber

Don’t do this. Being an “honest” backstabber is no more commendable than doing it secretly, and you have the potential to seriously hurt their feelings in addition to their reputation that you have already been attacking. The idea you’re proposing would alleviate your conscience but end up hurting them. I second the previous poster: go to confession and simply stop gossiping.

 

[Trishie]

Yes, why hurt and offend others with any uncharitable and unkind words.

It is good that you wish to overcome this fault.
Look for all that is good in them. Appreciate them. Forgive their faults knowing that you also have faults. Be kinder and more considerate than before, not looking for reward but simply, as a true Christian.
And pray for them.

May God continue to bless you.
May God bless your friends through you as you endeavour to be a true friend.

 

[JRKH]

I have been doing this so much about some of my friends. I seem to let out my frustration especially when I feel envious or just angry.

I wonder if I should just come clean and tell those people how I’ve been very 2 faced or just give up having a close friendship because I dont want to be the fake backstabber

What would be a charitable way to go about this situation?

Step one - STOP doing it…NOW and commit to never doing it again.

Step Two - as already suggested, do a thorough examination of conscience and get to confession. In this, not not be simply satisfied to “confess” the sins themselves but speak to your confessor about how this is a deep seated fault that you really need to tackle.
He may be able to offer some suggestions.

Step Three - Repeat Step Two each time you backslide, and you will backslide because breaking a bad habit is tough…Bu one of the great blessings of confession is that you have to “own up” in a full and formal way before God.

As for openly confessing to those you have slandered, I agree that this is not the best idea. At least not in the vast majority of cases.
That said - It IS a good idea to switch from slandering to defending.
Consider…
At present your habit is to see negative things in the actions of another. What is needed is to rip out these evil and noxious weeds of negativity, and to cultivate the loving and fragrant flowers of understanding. If a person does something that seems wrong…Try to consider what troubles them that caused them to do wrong.
Cultivate in yourself, a quiet tongue. Speak less and listen more.
Ask yourself, before you speak, “what is the most Loving thing I can say?”

And - When you find yourself overcome by this bad habit and in imminent danger of giving in…or…when you catch yourself having already given in…pray,
“Father, Take me to the foot of the Cross!!”, and see, in your minds eye, the large post, dark and rough hewn sunk deep in the dirt that is muddy and stained from the Blood and the sweat that is dripping and running down from those filthy - but Holy and Innocent feet. Think - of the smells and sounds - of the crying and the taunts and the jeering - -
Think of how our sins, our failures, our weakness put Him there…

I assure you that, if you do this prayerfully and thoughtfully and keep this image near to you, you will swiftly overcome this fault.

Peace
James

 

[SurlyMermaid]

I can relate, Divine Faith!

Great guidance by the other posters.

:grouphug:

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

It’s good you recognize this fault and wish to correct it. I agree with the others; telling your friends will only do more harm than good. Read Matthew 12:36. I’ve found this passage very helpful for motivating me to watch what I say. Ephesians 4:29 is also quite good.

 

[twoangels]

I have been doing this so much about some of my friends. I seem to let out my frustration especially when I feel envious or just angry.

I wonder if I should just come clean and tell those people how I’ve been very 2 faced or just give up having a close friendship because I dont want to be the fake backstabber

What would be a charitable way to go about this situation?

I had a friend of mine who did this to me for years. Occassionally she would make comments admitting it, but then she’d go right back to it. I now no longer trust her, and have realized our friendship had nothing to do with shared interests or her valuing me as a friend. She just wanted attention and struggled to feel loved by others. I think she mistreats people because if they take abuse and still affirm “we’ll be here for you anyway.” she feels a little bit loved. But I’ve learned I can’t do that for her and it harms her in the long run.

My advise is to go to confession and work on identifying and working on the emotional issues and vices that is causing this. Reform yourself and your friendships may blossom. I’d say in the long run if you do not reform yourself, people will catch on to what you’re doing and will likely lose their trust in you.

Good luck

 

[EasterJoy]

I have been doing this so much about some of my friends. I seem to let out my frustration especially when I feel envious or just angry.

I wonder if I should just come clean and tell those people how I’ve been very 2 faced or just give up having a close friendship because I dont want to be the fake backstabber

What would be a charitable way to go about this situation?

Yes, come clean, but not to the people whose reputations you attacked.

You don’t come clean to your friends when it is for your sake. You come clean to your friends when it is for their sake. Unless they have a need to know what you have said behind their backs, it is better to confess, repent, and make amends to them by being a better friend and disavowing what you said to the people who actually heard your uncharitable remarks. Those are the people who can both help you deal with your envy and in whose minds your backbitten friends reputation might have unjustly suffered.

If you have to go to the people who heard your nasty remarks and admit that the remarks were unjust and founded in your own insecurities, I think you will find the specter of having to go through that again a better defense against repeat performances. If your wronged friends have hear that you said those nasty things, perhaps it will also get back to them that you recanted and put the onus on your own insecurities.

Besides, I have learned to gauge the trustworthiness of my friends not by how they talk about me to my face, but how they talk about their other friends behind theirs. If those you “vent” to hear that you realize how inappropriate your choices were, they will be much more likely to see you as someone who wants to beat a fault that* they* are very aware you have.

 

[divinefaith]

Thanks so much for your advice guys! I now see how I should take this up to God and repent to Him first in order to make tremendous improvements in my life. :grouphug:

To 2 angels- That’s exactly what I need to do. Aside from confessing to God and praying, I need to pin point what’s making me have such a mean streak. Sometimes I am straight to my friends’ faces to say nasty things other times I just let out my anger behind their backs.
It could be a need for attention/power, envy… that are underlying these habits. That’s where I need to really ask God to help me address these issues. Very difficult especially when acting in a nasty way seems to feel ‘good’.

The reason why I keep thinking that I need to come clean to my friends, is because some of them are really helping me. E.g. one friend has been advising me on how to make income. Feels like I’m cheating them as I keep wondering whether or not they would help me if they knew what I say. Feels like fraud

 

[twoangels]

Thanks so much for your advice guys! I now see how I should take this up to God and repent to Him first in order to make tremendous improvements in my life. :grouphug:

To 2 angels- That’s exactly what I need to do. Aside from confessing to God and praying, I need to pin point what’s making me have such a mean streak. Sometimes I am straight to my friends’ faces to say nasty things other times I just let out my anger behind their backs.
It could be a need for attention/power, envy… that are underlying these habits. That’s where I need to really ask God to help me address these issues. Very difficult especially when acting in a nasty way seems to feel ‘good’.

The reason why I keep thinking that I need to come clean to my friends, is because some of them are really helping me. E.g. one friend has been advising me on how to make income. Feels like I’m cheating them as I keep wondering whether or not they would help me if they knew what I say. Feels like fraud

You have to ask yourself though, would telling her change your behavior? Or would it be a way to try to put on a show that you’re repentant so that she might trust you a bit longer? Whenever my friend made these confessions to me it was primarily to get me to accomodate her further.
It was either that or a ploy to get me to tell her that I still accepted her. Eventually I got sick of it. She never valued me as an individual and got mad at me and backstabbed me every time I displeased her.

You need to focus on your behavior and part of that means learning to truly care for your friends more than you care about what you get out of your friendships.

 

[divinefaith]

You have to ask yourself though, would telling her change your behavior? Or would it be a way to try to put on a show that you’re repentant so that she might trust you a bit longer? Whenever my friend made these confessions to me it was primarily to get me to accomodate her further.
It was either that or a ploy to get me to tell her that I still accepted her. Eventually I got sick of it. She never valued me as an individual and got mad at me and backstabbed me every time I displeased her.

You need to focus on your behavior and part of that means learning to truly care for your friends more than you care about what you get out of your friendships.

I know what you mean and I can imagine it would’ve been so awful for you.
But the reason I’d want to admit what I’ve done is because I feel like I’m being dishonest if I dont. I keep questioning if it’s right for me to have their assistance if I haven’t been right. That’s my moral dilemma. I’d rather leave it behind and make changes but is it really the right thing to do?

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

I know what you mean and I can imagine it would’ve been so awful for you.
But the reason I’d want to admit what I’ve done is because I feel like I’m being dishonest if I dont. I keep questioning if it’s right for me to have their assistance if I haven’t been right. That’s my moral dilemma. I’d rather leave it behind and make changes but is it really the right thing to do?

Is there any way you can do reparation instead? Apologize to the whomever you spoke poorly about your friend, telling them you shouldn’t have said what you did, and if there was any exaggeration etc it what you told them, you can clear that out too. Whenever someone comes to me to try to talk about someone else I try to cut them short, and I make a mental note about not telling that person personal things, because if they do it to other friends they probably do it to me.

 

[divinefaith]

Is there any way you can do reparation instead? Apologize to the whomever you spoke poorly about your friend, telling them you shouldn’t have said what you did, and if there was any exaggeration etc it what you told them, you can clear that out too. Whenever someone comes to me to try to talk about someone else I try to cut them short, and I make a mental note about not telling that person personal things, because if they do it to other friends they probably do it to me.

That would be part of the reparation definately. The funny thing is, everytime I had something mean to say my family would tell me bluntly that I am acting wrong and that I need to stop getting angry at others.

 

[JRKH]

Think very carefully about this ----

Trying to apologize to another for back-biting could be a Pandora’s box.
By this I mean that - Do you remember every mean thing you said if they ask you?
What happens if you get blamed for something you Did NOT say…
Are you prepared for this??? To accept blame for something someone else said???

My guess is that you cannot be sure that you remember all that you might have said and so it might be better to simply let it be.
To jump in with an apology etc could really complicate matters in unexpected ways.

I understand the desire to come clean and to make amends. I have things in my life like that too. Unfortunately I have found that there are some things that are better left as is for any attempt to rectify will likely only make things worse.

So - my advice is this. You have enough on your plate trying to get control of yourself. Don’t complicate it by stirring up a lot of emotional matters with your friend.
Your strong desire to tell might be Satan’s way of sabotaging your efforts - like this…

You need all of your strength to keep yourself under control…
You tell your friend what you have done and she becomes upset.
Things get very emotional and things are said in heat and hurt…
Now - you are highly vulnerable because she did not take it in the way you had hoped.
In this weakened state the chances of you repeating the sin of “backbiting” is much greater…

Take the time to work on your own problems. Get them under control.
Later - down the road a year or two - or five - or never - you can sit down with your friend and apologize…

All of this said, please do talk these things over with your priest.

Peace
James

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

That would be part of the reparation definately. The funny thing is, everytime I had something mean to say my family would tell me bluntly that I am acting wrong and that I need to stop getting angry at others.

Ok, so if it was to your family, you can just tell them that you have been thinking and that you agree, that you were acting wrong those times. This can help stop you next time you want to do it since you have already openly said that you know it is wrong to do so.

And I do agree with the other posters, do not go to your friends to apologize, it would be hurtful to them and, if the people you were saying the mean things to are your family, and your family was telling you to stop, then it seems like it isn’t something that would come up to your friends.