Backwards bridal shower conundrum - what to do?

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takers said:
Wow! All I can think is how rude can one person be? I’m getting married soon and I tried to be so careful about manners and the ‘right’ thing to do and making sure that no ones feelings were hurt. I would be aghast at having someone invite me to a pretend bridal shower for a pretend wedding just because they wanted stuff. I agree that politely declining is the way to go. A simple thank you for the invite but due to previous committments I’ll be unable to attend. Short, simple, and to the point.
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Takers, congrats! You are SUPER close to the big day!
 
I’ll admit, I’d be the one to point out, “This isn’t a shower! It’s EXTORTION!” and threaten to contact her registries.

Seriously. She’s doing something that’s possibly illegal and if not, at least horribly rude and people are worried about their manners?

I don’t mean to come off as blunt but OP, just drop her! She’s toxic to you, toxic to your husband, toxic to her friends. If anything, I’d wonder if the parents were concerned about HER not being ready for marriage, not whether her husband was a good guy or a good Catholic.

Not to mention, hijacking part of a sacred space, for their fun? Yeah, no.

You do not need to be friends with her. Nor do you need to take part in this farcical (but not aquatic :p) ceremony.
 
takers said:
Thanks!!! I am SOOOOO excited. :extrahappy::extrahappy::extrahappy: Hmm… no jumping up and down smiley. I think I need that!
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:bounce: Would this works? It’s one of my favorites. :bounce:
 
takers said:
Wow! All I can think is how rude can one person be? I’m getting married soon and I tried to be so careful about manners and the ‘right’ thing to do and making sure that no ones feelings were hurt. I would be aghast at having someone invite me to a pretend bridal shower for a pretend wedding just because they wanted stuff. I agree that politely declining is the way to go. A simple thank you for the invite but due to previous committments I’ll be unable to attend. Short, simple, and to the point.
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Congratulations on your upcoming wedding takers!!!
 
sanctamaria17 said:
I’ll admit, I’d be the one to point out, “This isn’t a shower! It’s EXTORTION!” and threaten to contact her registries.

Seriously. She’s doing something that’s possibly illegal and if not, at least horribly rude and people are worried about their manners?

I don’t mean to come off as blunt but OP, just drop her! She’s toxic to you, toxic to your husband, toxic to her friends. If anything, I’d wonder if the parents were concerned about HER not being ready for marriage, not whether her husband was a good guy or a good Catholic.

Not to mention, hijacking part of a sacred space, for their fun? Yeah, no.

You do not need to be friends with her. Nor do you need to take part in this farcical (but not aquatic :p) ceremony.
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LOL I love the call of extortion! Maybe I should turn the shower into a sting operation :cool:

I agree, she is toxic and even if not toxic she is either just really manipulative OR she has no self-awareness to see how ridiculous this is.
 
Oh look, my daily reminder just came again!

at 2:47pm
POST IT NOTE
I need to know BY Monday March 1st if your ARE or ARE NOT coming to my party on March 6th. If you are a “MAYBE” or “AWAITING REPLY” right now, please respond “YES” or “NO” BY MONDAY MARCH 1st, so that we have an accurate head count for reservations. Hope to see you there =]

Seriously, for any of you that ever had a shower (even a real one as opposed to this crazy type)…who has heard of the bride nagging people to RSVP? Okay MAYBE one gentle reminder by the HOST if replies are slugghish, but come on these are daily! And by the bride herself? Insanity!!
 
MercyMia said:
Oh look, my daily reminder just came again!

at 2:47pm
POST IT NOTE
I need to know BY Monday March 1st if your ARE or ARE NOT coming to my party on March 6th. If you are a “MAYBE” or “AWAITING REPLY” right now, please respond “YES” or “NO” BY MONDAY MARCH 1st, so that we have an accurate head count for reservations. Hope to see you there =]

Seriously, for any of you that ever had a shower (even a real one as opposed to this crazy type)…who has heard of the bride nagging people to RSVP? Okay MAYBE one gentle reminder by the HOST if replies are slugghish, but come on these are daily! And by the bride herself? Insanity!!
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I would be very inclined to just ignore this, since an e-vite to me is so impersonal. It’s ok for a committee meeting, but for a real party I want a real invitation. And in this case a real wedding!

Maybe the best thing would be to just respond “NO” and not mention it again. If she asks you about it, you could say you decided to wait for the wedding and attend an official shower.

Way back when, I was invited to two showers I thought were pretty bizarre. One was a girl at work who actively and openly disliked me giving herself a shower. No thanks. The other one was an invitation from a nice lady in my building for another lady in the same building that I didn’t happen to know. This is weird-er.

Showers are tricky things. My aunts gave my shower, but I don’t think that’s appropriate. I believe it shouldn’t be a family member. Both of my sisters had multiple showers when they got married, one way too many. I really dislike getting a little photocopy of a list of places the couple is registered. That looks very tacky stuffed into your pretty invitation.

You know, tacky is the right word for this whole situation. Very tacky and low class.
 
As the late, great Erma Bombeck once said, “Just put your tongue against the roof of your mouth and make the ‘O’ sound.”

Or in this case, type the “N”, then the “O”, then hit “Send”.

Ta-dah!:thankyou:
 
MercyMia said:
gardenswithkids - By “detaching” I meant like when she sends an email or writes on my fb wall and says “I haven’t seen you in a long time, We need to hang out, etc” and I usually write back something like “it has been hectic around here, very busy etc.” I declined an invitation to her New Year’s party, etc. Don’t people usually catch on after a while?
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I wouldn’t. 😊 Most of my friends have hectic schedules, and I have a hectic schedule, and me saying “I have a hectic schedule” to one of my friends is not intended as code for “I can’t stand you, please get out of my life,” and in fact I would hope that they would not take it that way, because I really do like my friends!

I think you really need to be more direct. You don’t have to be rude, but you could just say, “I really enjoyed the time we used to spend together, but we don’t seem to share very much in common any more.”

Also, I think it would send a very mixed signal if you were to attend her party - she would assume from the fact that you are there that you still like her and want her to be your friend.
 
daeve said:
I would be very inclined to just ignore this, since an e-vite to me is so impersonal. It’s ok for a committee meeting, but for a real party I want a real invitation. And in this case a real wedding!

Maybe the best thing would be to just respond “NO” and not mention it again. If she asks you about it, you could say you decided to wait for the wedding and attend an official shower.

Way back when, I was invited to two showers I thought were pretty bizarre. One was a girl at work who actively and openly disliked me giving herself a shower. No thanks. The other one was an invitation from a nice lady in my building for another lady in the same building that I didn’t happen to know. This is weird-er.

Showers are tricky things. My aunts gave my shower, but I don’t think that’s appropriate. I believe it shouldn’t be a family member. Both of my sisters had multiple showers when they got married, one way too many. I really dislike getting a little photocopy of a list of places the couple is registered. That looks very tacky stuffed into your pretty invitation.

You know, tacky is the right word for this whole situation. Very tacky and low class.
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I agree with you… a real paper invitation is the norm AND it is to invite us to a meal, not to expect us to show up and pay for our own food. It is not that I expect to be wined and dined, as I think an at-home shower is really cute for brides on a budget - but to pick an already expensive place on a Saturday night (most expensive night) is just nuts! Also, she keeps referring it to it as a “party” but the fact that she provided her registry really puts an expectation for gifts on us. Also, in the invite it is described as a “party to shower her with love and support.” I don’t like the word games. It is either a party or a shower - not a party where you get shower gifts. There is no such thing!
 
jmcrae said:
I wouldn’t. 😊 Most of my friends have hectic schedules, and I have a hectic schedule, and me saying “I have a hectic schedule” to one of my friends is not intended as code for “I can’t stand you, please get out of my life,” and in fact I would hope that they would not take it that way, because I really do like my friends!

I think you really need to be more direct. You don’t have to be rude, but you could just say, “I really enjoyed the time we used to spend together, but we don’t seem to share very much in common any more.”

Also, I think it would send a very mixed signal if you were to attend her party - she would assume from the fact that you are there that you still like her and want her to be your friend.
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Good points. I do have trouble being direct. I haven’t seen her or talked to her other than facebook since May of last year…so I figured she would just get the hint. But I guess not.
I really have trouble sort of telling people I don’t want to be their friends, I was socially rejected a lot as a kid and I remember the sting. It sucks to think I might inflict that on someone.
 
Ha! tell her your having a baby shower… I loved that. Is it possible your friend doesn’t realize how tacky she sounds? It’s more likely she is trieing to push her mother into a confrontation about cohabitation and push the boy into a marriage he is not crazy about and push you into participating in an expensive evening that will bring you heart-burn.
Who needs enemies with friends like these?
 
sherimarie said:
Ha! tell her your having a baby shower… I loved that. Is it possible your friend doesn’t realize how tacky she sounds? It’s more likely she is trieing to push her mother into a confrontation about cohabitation and push the boy into a marriage he is not crazy about and push you into participating in an expensive evening that will bring you heart-burn.
Who needs enemies with friends like these?
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I don’t think she realizes how tacky this is coming across at all. I think she is blinded by wanting the trappings of being a doted over bride but not understanding that it only comes with actually doing things the traditional way. I think she is just fixated on getting the attention and praise of a blushing bride after 3 years of stalling, so she is pushing ahead with this aspect of it. I actually feel sad for her in a way but I feel like I did my part by telling her that she should have a wedding in the Church.
 
gardenswithkids said:
:bounce: Would this works? It’s one of my favorites. :bounce:
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In my excitement I passed over that smiley. Thanks for the tip!
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MercyMia:
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding takers!!!
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Thank you! I’m still very excited! ;):extrahappy::bounce:
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MercyMia:
Seriously, for any of you that ever had a shower (even a real one as opposed to this crazy type)…who has heard of the bride nagging people to RSVP? Okay MAYBE one gentle reminder by the HOST if replies are slugghish, but come on these are daily! And by the bride herself? Insanity!!
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This is just ridiculous. I can understand ONE reminder because you need to know numbers and some people forget, but daily reminders are just rude. To me it says that she’s more concerned about having lots of people attend with presents than actually connecting with the people that are there regardless of what they bring if they even bring anything.

I hate confrontation so I understand not wanting to start anything, but I still think a response of “thank you for the invite, but I’ve got previous committments that day” would suffice.
 
Well, by March 1st, you just have to say NO.

This is wrong on so many levels, not to mention gauche.

Only brides get bridal showers, and even then they shouldn’t be nagging people about coming, having it at a restaurant where each person pays, AND using an e-vite.

There’s a reality show in here somewhere, isnt’ there?
 
puzzleannie said:
in the spirit of Miss Manners, and I am sure she would agree, yes your instinct is right everything about this is backward. There is no bridal shower because by definition a bridal shower is a party given by a friend of the bride for the purpose of gathering her friends together just before her wedding to wish her joy. Often they are so happy for her that they are moved to bring small personal gifts for her, but that is not the reason for the party.

What you have encountered is simply blackmail and extortion, someone piggy backing on cultural traditions surrounding marriage to stage a gift-demanding event. Since there is no wedding planned–and in fact the young lady in question has rejected all social, cultural and religious notions of marriage long ago–there can be by definition no bridal shower. Regard it as you would any of those annoying direct mail appeals for donations and tear it up or report it as spam.

get new friends.
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What she said. In spades.
 
I think you got great advice, but I wanted to add my own experience. Twice I have gotten invites to showers in which I had no desire to participate. I did not attend, but sent nice cards - and donations in the brides’ names to a favorite charity. I made sure that the charity would send cards to the brides about the donations.

Paula
 
MercyMia said:
Good points. I do have trouble being direct. I haven’t seen her or talked to her other than facebook since May of last year…so I figured she would just get the hint. But I guess not.
I really have trouble sort of telling people I don’t want to be their friends, I was socially rejected a lot as a kid and I remember the sting. It sucks to think I might inflict that on someone.
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You need not be so direct that you tell her outright that you don’t want to be her friend. That’s not simply direct, it’s rude. But neither do you need to attend her bridal shower and give a gift, (even if it were a real bridal shower.) If you honestly want to distance yourself from this woman, don’t go to her party and/or give her gifts. Those are gestures of friendship.

As others mentioned, life gets busy. I wouldn’t assume that someone doesn’t want to be my friend simply because they say they are busy. If you want to distance yourself from this woman, time and the natural busy-ness of life can quietly and gently provide that distance without you needing to be rude.
 
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