bad breakup...

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starrphishe

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Hi, I’ve been lurking around here reading other posts trying to help myself figure some of this out, but it hasn’t really worked, so I decided I’d just register and ask.

My boyfriend broke up with me last Friday. It came as a total surprise to me (even though looking back I see there was something wrong for the month before). We had long been talking about marriage, and children, and our future together, at his insistence. In three hours of talking, what he basically said was that he looked at the way I loved him and the way he loved me and he felt that they were not equal–that he loved me as a friend, and that I loved him much more, and that he in fact did not want a relationship. The kicker is that he said he wants to be friends–and he meant it.

He was my best friend before we began dating. But when we did start dating, I gave him a piece of my heart, and I feel like he crushed it. I feel like I have been thrown in a dumpster, and I know he didn’t mean to break my heart–he feels horrible too. But I can’t seem to stop crying for more than a few hours at a time, and I’m not sure I’m mature enough to handle the whole friendship thing. Today he messed up in a small way but I lashed out horribly. I asked him to leave because I was near tears. I wrote and gave him a letter (I wrote many letters during our almost-10-month relationship) asking him to be patient with me, because I have a lot of emotions to sort out, and I told him that I would have days where I was angry or depressed for “no reason,” and asked that he please not give up on me.

I need help to get strength and patience. I loved him so, so much, and I was ready for a life together three or four years from now. I rely heavily on Psalms 34:19 and the Salve Regina for some of that, but I desperately need more ideas and prayers from others. I don’t want to lose my very best friend, but my emotions are so roller-coastery.

God bless.
 
Since he was able to tell you what is in his heart, I believe that he should be trusted with what he said and felt. I don’t know why he suggested friendship, but, for letting you down, it was an offering. Too hard to be friends, maybe, from your feelings, which which are also truthful and important.

10 months is not very long. From experience I can say that it could be an attachment that you will get over. Please don’t try to find a replacement too quickly.
Neither should you try to be true to him, since he made his feelings perfectly clear and didn’t ask that of you.

For instance, another man … my Father … asked my Mother to not see anyone else, besides normal group activities, when he was in the service. He asked her to be true to him and so, even without an engagement ring, she was. After 4 years (WWII) they were married in 1945 and are celebrating 65 years this year. Despite his faithfulness, I think that my Father did have to give up on his dream for college because of my dear Mother.

You don’t say your ages, but, men need time to find their place in life. Ask God for his guidance. I’d like to say that God has people grow separately towards each other. You can’t force a relationship. God’s plan for your life. God’s plan for your friend’s life.

Men, IMO, can be kind of fickle that they may think, in their youth, that they are being trapped, that the woman is too emotional … they are not ready for a commitment. Then, they have second thoughts later on … but, whether you can accept that after being rejected for, natural reasons, really … and then, having a later return for what reason, who knows, they feel their age, or have disallusionment with other women … I may be talking about Adam, here.

Keep your oil safe, unspent, as it says in the Bible, to be prepared for the bridegroom.
 
I’m really sorry. I will pray for you.

I would like to point out, though, that you cannot be friends. I mean, you can be on theoretically friendly terms and not backbite and badmouth each other. However, you can’t hang out or have contact. You need to get over him and he needs not to lead you on with continued contact. If he won’t just make the break, you have to.
 
I know it hurts. And, I know that it’s hard to hear what I’m going to say, but it’s the truth:

Time really does heal all wounds.

Right now it feels like the end of the world and right now it feels like you will never get over him. But you will. And, when you do meet the right man, the one who loves you with all his heart, you will see how different that relationship is from this one that you *thought *was “it.”

The second thing I’m going to tell you is that you probably can’t be “just friends.” And that’s OK, too. Right now you can’t imagine not hanging out and sharing with him. BUT, you have feelings for him and he doesn’t have them for you. You can’t go back to the way it was. You just simply can’t. There are things and feelings on your end that will make that difficult. So, here’s the thing. You just move on and find new friends. Really. You do. And, in a few years you will look back and realize he really wasn’t all that great a friend. Best friends **don’t **set up the other for emotional heartbreak. It’s not like he didn’t know his feelings and their limits. He did. Also, it’s a really good lesson in girls not having boys as “best friends.” It’s a hard lesson, one I had to go through a couple of times before I figured it out myself.

Keep your dating sphere and your friendship sphere separate, knowing that at the end of a dating discernment it will either mean marriage or “break up.” Guard your heart more fully. You are young, and if you are talking about 3 to 4 years before you are ready for marriage, then do not get serious with anyone now. Three or 4 years is way too long to be in a holding pattern in a relationship.

So, if you don’t mind getting 20/20 advice from someone a lot older than you-- who still remembers exactly how this felt when she went through it herself-- let me just tell you that you will look back in a few years and ask yourself why you thought this dude was so great. I had a handful of “best friend” boyfriends who broke my heart. And in the “where are they now” category-- I can tell you that I don’t really care. And, boy did I get a GREAT husband who was about a million times better than those guys I thought I would die without.

I am in no way making light of your situation, because I know it really hurts. And, there is no easy way to get through it other than to just do it. And, to be more wise the next time around. And, you are going to have to tell him that this “we can be friends” thing is just not true and to leave you alone until you are ready to contact him. Which might be never. There are a couple of guys I did date (one that I dated all through high school and off/on through college for a total of 7 years… my first **real **love)… that tragic, make your friends all barf because they are sick of hearing about it kind of love) who I a now friends with. Why? Because I dropped them for a good long time, and when I picked back up the friendship I didn’t have any feelings for them, I’d moved on, and now we’re just Facebook buddies or whatever. They’re married, I’m married. It really is just friends-- but not hang out friends, more like Christmas card friends.
 
WetCatechumen said:
I would like to point out, though, that you cannot be friends. I mean, you can be on theoretically friendly terms and not backbite and badmouth each other. However, you can’t hang out or have contact. You need to get over him and he needs not to lead you on with continued contact. If he won’t just make the break, you have to.
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Absolutely. Just because he said he wanted to be friends, doesn’t mean you’re somehow “obligated.” You will probably heal faster if you make a clean cut of all the ties to him. Otherwise, it will be very hard to move on.
And take care of yourself – eat right, get enough sleep, get some exercise. Truly.
 
Dear starrphishe,

I’m so sorry for your loss (I realize as typing this sounds morbid - but it is a type of loss).

You want ideas for:

strength - go to adoration (if available. I think it’s on a Catholic tv channel, too…)
patience - say a Rosary
best friend - say an Our Father or Hail Holy Queen

Practically? Have your time to grieve for the future you once wanted. Invite some girl friends over and watch movies and eat ice cream or play games and make lemonade. YMMV. This, too, shall pass. One day the pain will die down. Chris Stills has a lovely song about it.

I do want to echo the other posters who have suggested not being in contact with your ex. A break-up is the risk two friends take when deciding to date. Your relationship with him has been altered, and I’m sorry, but I don’t think right now you can go back to being the friends you once were. Maybe after years and you’ve both moved on.
Also, it’s a really good lesson in girls not having boys as “best friends.”
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1ke, I believe it is possible for men and women to be best friends. There just have to be ground rules or clear expectations. In one case, we had no attraction to each other. In another, well, now he’s in the Jesuit noviate excited to be a priest!

God bless, starrphishe. It’s hard to see now, but you will have love and friendship again.
 
starrphishe said:
Hi, I’ve been lurking around here reading other posts trying to help myself figure some of this out, but it hasn’t really worked, so I decided I’d just register and ask.

My boyfriend broke up with me last Friday. It came as a total surprise to me (even though looking back I see there was something wrong for the month before). We had long been talking about marriage, and children, and our future together, at his insistence. In three hours of talking, what he basically said was that he looked at the way I loved him and the way he loved me and he felt that they were not equal–that he loved me as a friend, and that I loved him much more, and that he in fact did not want a relationship. The kicker is that he said he wants to be friends–and he meant it.

He was my best friend before we began dating. But when we did start dating, I gave him a piece of my heart, and I feel like he crushed it. I feel like I have been thrown in a dumpster, and I know he didn’t mean to break my heart–he feels horrible too. But I can’t seem to stop crying for more than a few hours at a time, and I’m not sure I’m mature enough to handle the whole friendship thing. Today he messed up in a small way but I lashed out horribly. I asked him to leave because I was near tears. I wrote and gave him a letter (I wrote many letters during our almost-10-month relationship) asking him to be patient with me, because I have a lot of emotions to sort out, and I told him that I would have days where I was angry or depressed for “no reason,” and asked that he please not give up on me.

I need help to get strength and patience. I loved him so, so much, and I was ready for a life together three or four years from now. I rely heavily on Psalms 34:19 and the Salve Regina for some of that, but I desperately need more ideas and prayers from others. I don’t want to lose my very best friend, but my emotions are so roller-coastery.

God bless.
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Sorry to hear that. In my opinion, he has clearly communicated his intentions with you, and you should respect his wishes. Granted that it doesn’t make it any easier, but with time it’ll get better. Focus on your other dreams, dreams that do not necessarily involve him. When you’re ready, you can still be friends with him. At this point, I think it’s best for you to not see him for a while.

On another note - and this is in my own humble opinion - the impression that I get is that perhaps you’re not entirely ready for a serious relationship yet. May I ask how old you guys are? You may want to work on some of the issues you highlighted in your post in the meantime. Don’t lose hope. When one door closes, another opens. God bless you.
 
WetCatechumen said:
I’m really sorry. I will pray for you.

I would like to point out, though, that you cannot be friends. I mean, you can be on theoretically friendly terms and not backbite and badmouth each other. However, you can’t hang out or have contact. You need to get over him and he needs not to lead you on with continued contact. If he won’t just make the break, you have to.
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Unfortunately, this is true, OP. You are suffering more because you are asking your emotions to do contortions that emotions don’t do.

He is what you’re getting over, so he’s not going to be any help. You’ll do better if you put distance between you, because he is going to make this whole process worse by trying to remain “the nice guy”. This is the hazard you both ran when you decide to date your “best friend”. He can’t put a good face on “I’m not that into you.” There is no consolation prize in that outcome that is in the least bit consoling. If he’s decided that he’s not into you, what you need is a very big dose of everyone else on the planet but him, and all those places on the planet where he is not.

Frankly, the other obvious point, though, is that he needs this, too. It is what he has chosen. Breaking up with your girlfriend and then expecting her to still extend friendship is way too much “having your cake and eating it, too.” I don’t mean that in a way that is bitter or vengeful, but simply in a practical way. Countless couploes have tried it. It won’t work. What he’s trying to do, whether he realizes it or not and even if he is trying to let you down easy, is not fair to you. You are not some glass case where he can say, “Oh, I’ll have one of the cupcakes, but I’m not up to ordering more than that.” You are a human being, not a catalog of friendship services he can order out of.

If he rejects part and accepts part of what you’re offering, you have to have been a position where you weren’t all that interested in giving the part he isn’t all that interested in having. That’s called “growing apart”, not “breaking up.” That is when “just friends” works, but that is not what happened to you. Maybe some day, but not now.

He decided to break up with you. So break up, already. You’ll heal much faster. Besides, if he ever decides he really does want to get back together, standing on your own two feet and having established a life that doesn’t include him is the only vantage point from which you’ll have a good place to consider his offer.

Don’t explain all this to him. Just tell him that you’ve broken up, it is time for you both to just accept it and live it. Then do it.
 
I’m so sorry to hear about the breakup. It’s pretty normal to feel roller-coastery for a while after - don’t worry, it will pass.

I’m not an advocate for the friends-thing. In my experience, clean cuts are the best. I’ve only had very few, long relationships, and I only managed to stay friends with one of them - and it took us over two years until we could talk to each other without bitterness and hurt. And that even though all of these splits were quite calm. Consider not seeing each other for some time, until you feel ready.
 
There are other “best friends” waiting for you in your life. You will move on faster and heal more completely if you stop all contact with him for now. It isn’t worth it. How will you feel if you see him with another girl? This expirence is bring out the worst in you, and you are taking it out on him. Try and get out and meet new people and keep yourself busy with other things.
 
I have been in your shoes and I know how much it hurts. Even though it may seem like torture now, make a clean break. Tell him no contact and stick to it. Try it for four months and then reassess.

I have learned the hard way that you really can`t be friends with an ex. Especially if he was the one to break it off. Maybe in a few years, maybe never. Pray for him. That is the best gift you can give him. But pray from afar–do not keep in touch. Your heart has been broken and you need to give it time to heal.

As hard as this is, it takes courage for your ex to have been honest. It is better to find out now then later. You deserve a future husband who is in love with you. Not someone who regards you as a friend. I know it hurts but it will get better each day.

You`ll be in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
Praying for you dear one. I’m a guy, but I’ve been in both places-the one being broken up with, and the one doing the breaking. Both are heartbreaking. It’s a learning experience-we all have to go through this. It’s so sad…,

Praying for you. Remember, no matter how bleak it seems, it will pass, and God has a special place in His heart for the heartbroken.
 
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