Bad confession experiences....

[rpp]

I’ve wanted to post in this thread since it opened, but I am asking for gentle advice, too.

I went to confession this Lent (at a different church - I felt that since I was in the area, why not?) and in the confessional I got into a little detail about my family situation, because I still am carrying guilt/shame from it (fourth commandment and all). I felt the priest wasn’t grasping the whole situation of abuse and PTSD, and I wasn’t able to tell him everything due to time constraints. Besides, he wasn’t interested, he told me to “stop right there.”

Oh, man, he let me have it for “abandoning my family” and the whole nine. Nevermind how the actual penitent felt violated - he said that I “deserved to be victimized and wasn’t offering it up, had poor faith, didn’t understand redemptive suffering and with a closed mind I probably never would, and therefore was a poor Catholic.”

His penance was impossible, not by principle alone, but by other issues I won’t go into in a public forum. I told him this and he raved even more.

When I got to the Act of Contrition he was very condescending. “Say the Act of Contrition if you remember it and if you mean it, much less understand it.”

And to add insult to injury, he yelled so loud that the people outside heard it. There were about 20 - 25 people. They all stared at me as I walked out. Several glared, and others shook their heads. It took a long time to get over that, and I’m still smarting. So I guess I’m not really over it yet.

I cannot ever trust (not sure if that’s the right word) a priest who doesn’t exercise discernment and some type of restraint in the confessional again. I respect his office immensely, but Reconciliation should never be traumatic. Humbling, yes. Cleansing, yes. Sincere, yes. Even theraputic to the mind and most definately the soul.

But this is where I am conflicted:

I respect your advice, Margarite, but please reassure me that it’s not like “cheating,” i.e. I didn’t like what Father X told me, so I am going to see Father Y, instead.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve gone to confession, and I think this time (for the first time) will make an appointment and sit with the priest face-to-face so I can go into some detail. It’s going to take a lot for me to be brave enough to go back to this Sacrament. I actually tremble when I think of how it’s going to go.

Who thinks that would be a good idea, or am I opening up myself to a repeat of last time?

I certainly do have some problems with the manner in which the priest conducted this confession.

By raising his voice, it may be argued that he violated the seal of confession. That behavior is absolutely **intolerable **under any and all circumstances. That he violated the seal of confession should be reported to the bishop immediately. A full description of this experience should be included as well. Along with the other behavior your described.

There is NEVER a call for a priest to in insult a penitent. Since the priest IS in the position of having to judge our soul, they cannot be permitted to jump to conclusions. :tsktsk:

That he did this also should be reported to the bishop.

But speaking loud enough to be heard by those waiting in the confessional line. That is scandalous! He should be disciplined right away for this.

 

[ElizabethPH]

Yes, when I was a child; I think it was third or fourth grade. the priest yelled at me. And I’m sure I deserved it. But still I didn’t want to ever go to confession again. I did anyway.

 

[graceandglory]

I was wondering how many folks out there have had bad confession experiences with your priest. I had one today and it wounded me. How have you dealt with these experiences and have they weakened your faith or made it stronger? Thanks and God bless!

I’ve had two bad confession experiences.

#1 You couldn’t hear the penitents, but everyone could hear the penances that the priest gave out. He spoke loudly and …well I won’t go into detail there.

“5 Hail Marys”…“5 Hail Marys”…“5 Hail Marys”…, you get the pattern.

And then when he got to me, the penance was “10 Hail Mary’s.”



Another time wasn’t actually IN the confessional. A priest let slip in conversation with me a sin he had heard, and it made my skin crawl. It’s really hard to forget about it.

 

[mercygate]

I just had one. I am shaken. I think the priest’s advice is for too much of a bruden for me to bear. I don’t think he understood me. I had never gone to him before and still don’t know his name. He was not “mean”, and did ablsolve my sins, with a minimal penace, but his advice, was, as I said to him, all most impossible. He told me that is where Faith comes in. I really don’t think he could give that type of advice to someone he knew nothing about. I am sick about this. Is advice absoluteley to be followed? I had read in Srcupolous Anonymous, just before going to Confession, that you MUST do what the priest says. That added more misery to me. I feel no peace, and am considering going to another confession to discuss it, but feel guilty about that, because is that a sin too? Sick to death…

Others have given sound counsel here but looking at this post, and noting your recourse to Scrupulous Anonymous, which suggests that you have difficulty assessing the core issue in matters of conscience, one might apply the “reasonable person” standard to the priest’s advice. Namely, would a reasonable person have found his advice “unreasonable?” Then consider whether your particular case makes his counsel impossible.

As others have said: take this up with another priest, mentioning up front that you may have problems with scrupuosity and mentioning up front the particular circumstances that made you question the applicability of the counsel you received.

 

[mcflora]

I thank you all for your sincere replies. The last, from Mercygate, seems to hit home, with the ring of truth. Sometimes, scrupulosity, is so severe, that you can refuse to even accept some of your own goodness, always opting to err on the side of possible evil, just in case…It can bne extremely complicated. .I have a beloved sister, to whom I related the entire episode in detail. She is also a Catholic, and told me in order to help, I had to not only listen to her calming advice, but to follow it. Her advice, was similiar to yours, altho some was to be acted on immediately, and more intimate and detailed. Thank you for reading into the Scrupolous Anonymous hint I dropped, Mercygate. I dared not say, I was srupulous, That would be cheating, yet I longed for someone, somehow, to know. In Confession, I had hoped a miracle of the Holy Spirit would happen, and the priest would just know…He does represent Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is present, but, dare I say, sometimes, politicians, however decent, don’t always represent their every constituant. After listenting and FOLLOWING at least some of my sister’s advice, which was a huge leap, ( a sister who knows and loves me), I feel much better, and hopfully with God’s help, I will find a spiritual advisor to counsel me. I am quiet afraid of this. I hope I can do it. I can’t promise I will. Thank you all for your kindness, especially Mercygate, who seems to have the insight, I had hoped the priest would miraculously have. Precious Peace to all.

 

[kage_ar]

Try to give Priests the benefit of the doubt.

There are times when I’ve been in a meeting at work, someone in authority will make a comment or question someone in the group. After the meeting, that person is upset that “Mr. so-and-so yelled at me in the meeting”. Some people are in agreement and offering sympathy. Others in the same meeting are confused, they understood it to be a comment or question and cannot see why the person thought they were “yelled at”.

I’ve come to realize that what people hear and perceive can be far different than what the speaker intends - so, it is best to give the benefit to the other person that they did not intend it to be chiding, that I misunderstood.

 

[leonie]

My only bad confession experience has tempted me to dislike that particular priest.

Here’s the odd thing. I was going to confession to confess that I had spoke badly about this particular priest. I was dismayed to find that this priest was the confessor on that occasion. I took it as a matter of humility, but when I confessed, I merely said gossip.

He let me have it up one side and down the other–even questioning my contrition.

I wonder what he would have said if I had been more specific about whom I was detracting? I have a feeling that he’s been the subject of contention and detraction in other parishes, and it’s left wounds.

Priests have wounds, too, even lukewarm and liberal ones.

 

[anamchara]

I recently went to confession and it was those very old style confessionals. Dark wood, little door ect…it was really dark. I thought, this is cool as I’ve never been in one before. But the priest yelled everyones penance and he was giving everyone the same penance. “FIVE HELL MARYS!!” LOL! He would be really quiet and you couldn’t hear the priest or the person confessing, thank goodness. But then all the sudden you would hear the priest give absolution really loud along with his standard! “FIVE HAIL MARYS” I don’t think I’ll be going back there again!

I was thinking, it’s a good thing he gave everyone the same penance. I’d hate to be the person coming out of there after he yells “23 HAIL MARYS”!!

 

[rpp]

I recently went to confession and it was those very old style confessionals. Dark wood, little door ect…it was really dark. I thought, this is cool as I’ve never been in one before. But the priest yelled everyones penance and he was giving everyone the same penance. “FIVE HELL MARYS!!” LOL! He would be really quiet and you couldn’t hear the priest or the person confessing, thank goodness. But then all the sudden you would hear the priest give absolution really loud along with his standard! “FIVE HAIL MARYS” I don’t think I’ll be going back there again!

I was thinking, it’s a good thing he gave everyone the same penance. I’d hate to be the person coming out of there after he yells “23 HAIL MARYS”!!

Did you see this post?

I’ve had two bad confession experiences.

#1 You couldn’t hear the penitents, but everyone could hear the penances that the priest gave out. He spoke loudly and …well I won’t go into detail there.

“5 Hail Marys”…“5 Hail Marys”…“5 Hail Marys”…, you get the pattern.

And then when he got to me, the penance was “10 Hail Mary’s.”



Another time wasn’t actually IN the confessional. A priest let slip in conversation with me a sin he had heard, and it made my skin crawl. It’s really hard to forget about it.

 

[anamchara]

Did you see this post?

no, I didn’t. I guess I’m not the only one.

 

[baltobetsy]

My mother, who would have been 95 this year had she lived, recounts the story of the priest who scared all the kids at her parish until they understood what was going on. A person would go into the confessional, and a couple of minutes later, the priest would bellow, “O MY GOD.” They thought he was really yelling at each one! It happened with everyone, so all the kids were too scared to go to him. Finally someone did, and found out that he was starting the people out on the Act of Contrition - “O MY GOD, I am heartily sorry…”

Betsy

 

[kristie_m]

My mother, who would have been 95 this year had she lived, recounts the story of the priest who scared all the kids at her parish until they understood what was going on. A person would go into the confessional, and a couple of minutes later, the priest would bellow, “O MY GOD.” They thought he was really yelling at each one! It happened with everyone, so all the kids were too scared to go to him. Finally someone did, and found out that he was starting the people out on the Act of Contrition - “O MY GOD, I am heartily sorry…”

Betsy

How easily we misunderstand…

 

[mercygate]

I thank you all for your sincere replies. The last, from Mercygate, seems to hit home, with the ring of truth. Sometimes, scrupulosity, is so severe, that you can refuse to even accept some of your own goodness, always opting to err on the side of possible evil, just in case…It can bne extremely complicated. .I have a beloved sister, to whom I related the entire episode in detail. She is also a Catholic, and told me in order to help, I had to not only listen to her calming advice, but to follow it. Her advice, was similiar to yours, altho some was to be acted on immediately, and more intimate and detailed. Thank you for reading into the Scrupolous Anonymous hint I dropped, Mercygate. I dared not say, I was srupulous, That would be cheating, yet I longed for someone, somehow, to know. In Confession, I had hoped a miracle of the Holy Spirit would happen, and the priest would just know…He does represent Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is present, but, dare I say, sometimes, politicians, however decent, don’t always represent their every constituant. After listenting and FOLLOWING at least some of my sister’s advice, which was a huge leap, ( a sister who knows and loves me), I feel much better, and hopfully with God’s help, I will find a spiritual advisor to counsel me. I am quiet afraid of this. I hope I can do it. I can’t promise I will. Thank you all for your kindness, especially Mercygate, who seems to have the insight, I had hoped the priest would miraculously have. Precious Peace to all.

Since hardly anybody else is going to confession these days, Priests are getting pretty good at helping people who suffer from scrupulosity, 'cause y’all are the ones who still show up! You, and people like me, who are required by a Rule of Life to confess regularly.

Always be forthright about your battle with scrupulosity when you come to the Sacrament of Confession. A good, compassionate priest will know what you are up against and be in a far better position to help you.

 

[lampstand]

I had a bit of an embarrassing moment once at Confession, when I was about 17 or so. I started talking-- I’m shy as it is, and stutter a bit when I’m nervous. It took me a while to get through everything. When I was done talking, the priest said, “Is this your first Confession?”



Crimony…

 

[Margarite]

My younger sister when she was little would yell her confession to the priest. Everyone within a hundred yards could hear her every word. It took about 3 years, but my parents finally got her to be quiet. Luckly she was little and her sins were just little kid sins. That would be horrible to hear some adult sins

My favorite confessionals are the old, wood two sided ones. Those are so cool! They have those at EWTN:thumbsup:
Anyways, at my new church, I think it is horrible, the priest has a clear glass door behind him so that people can see who is in there, and on the people side there is also a clear glass door. Gee, what if the person is crying, or really angry, or something? And what if the priest starts crying or blowing his nose or something? I don’t know I just feel uncomfortable in a fish bowl, and I am only in there for a couple minutes, the poor priest is in there for at least an hour… I just don’t like it!
Now we have a priest who is 6’8" and the poor guy, we saw him in the confessional and he just could not get comfortable. I feel bad.

When I was little there was a really old priest who all the kids were afraid to go to confession to because the confessional was so dark and he would fall asleep and start snorring. It was freaky to a little kid to have to wait in the dark confessional until the old priest woke up. I never went to him

 

[kristie_m]

When I was little there was a really old priest who all the kids were afraid to go to confession to because the confessional was so dark and he would fall asleep and start snorring. It was freaky to a little kid to have to wait in the dark confessional until the old priest woke up. I never went to him

Don’t know what would be worse…having a priest shocked at your sin, or so bored by it that he falls asleep!

 

[whatevergirl]

I was wondering how many folks out there have had bad confession experiences with your priest. I had one today and it wounded me. How have you dealt with these experiences and have they weakened your faith or made it stronger? Thanks and God bless!

I didn’t read through this entire thread…but I have had ‘odd’ and ‘negative’ experiences. In terms of odd, I have been in confession where a priest’s cell phone kept going off…it was a little rattling…startling…he finally shut it off. lol

In terms of ‘bad,’ I remember a priest not believing that I was contrite ‘enough,’ and thus told me not to receive communion. He was a very angry/bitter man, from my recollection–and I didn’t listen to him. As a matter of fact, he and I got into a debate right then and there–where I remember saying he should be thankful I was there for confession. Ok, so two wrongs don’t make a right, but I was roughly 18–in college–I guess I used to just say what I thought back then. My mother in law was very upset that he said that to me…I asked another priest about it shortly thereafter–and he told me to receive, so this particular priest might not have not enjoyed his vocation, or just was having a bad day–hard to say…but if in doubt, like a doctor–get a second opinion before taking ‘advice’ that seems a bit off during confession.

If given bad ‘advice’ again–I wouldn’t argue like I did in my yesteryears, but I would definitely seek out another priest because they are human, and are fallible…they have bad days like the rest of us. The truth is, they are vehicles for Christ to act through, and in my times of confession, I have always been contrite, genuinely…so, to have a priest question that, seems to me to go outside of the persona of Christ.

 

[whatevergirl]

My mother, who would have been 95 this year had she lived, recounts the story of the priest who scared all the kids at her parish until they understood what was going on. A person would go into the confessional, and a couple of minutes later, the priest would bellow, “O MY GOD.” They thought he was really yelling at each one! It happened with everyone, so all the kids were too scared to go to him. Finally someone did, and found out that he was starting the people out on the Act of Contrition - “O MY GOD, I am heartily sorry…”

Betsy

LOL! I truly laughed out loud reading this–how hilarious!

 

[pray4peace]

When I went to confession in 2nd grade I had a mean priest and it kept me away for a long time. I think it is a shame that so many were scared off early on when they were young or a newbie.

 

[whatevergirl]

When I went to confession in 2nd grade I had a mean priest and it kept me away for a long time. I think it is a shame that so many were scared off early on when they were young or a newbie.

awww–2nd grade? That is a shame.

Speaking of second grade…I remember before making my first holy communion, and going to my first confession, asking a nun before I went in–‘is killing a bug, murder?’ she whispered that she even kills ‘pesty flies’ now and again. I never forgot her.