Bad confession experiences....

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Unfortunately I have. While at confession in Central America, a priest advised me to do something completely against Church teaching. Ignorant of the teaching, I did said thing, and it has caused me great difficulties to get the whole matter straightened out.

Thankfully the Holy Spirit didn’t let my heart rest until I found out the truth.
 
There are two types of bad confessions in my mind:


  1. *]That caused by a priest - and there are many examples here.
    *]That caused by a penitent when a priest tells him something he wishes not to hear (and it falls in line with Church teaching).

    I am assuming the type of bad confession you had was in the first category?

    If so, remember that priests are human and unfortunately, maybe a bad moment caught you at your most vulnerable time. If the priest told you something that feels incorrect, let us help you out with that, in as generic a way as possible. As you can see here, if it is blatantly against church teaching, it must be reported, even if you do so anonymously so it can be investigated.

    If he was just cranky or in a chastizing mood remember that he is human and I think you will find that if you pray for him, it will help you. Pray that God helps him to teach not with a stick, but with love, if he hasn’t yet learned this.

    Going to option 2 above, I would suggest that if he told you something you didn’t want to hear, take some time to pray for understanding. God loves those who are obedient out of knowledge, but even more, those how are obedient out of trust in the Holy Spirit.

    While it is obvious that there are exceptions based on some replies of horrible experiences above where people were actually lured or told to do sinful acts, these are the exceptions. Always pray that the Holy Spirit works through your confessor and then trust that this is happening. It makes it easier to digest that tough task we may be asked to do, or to accept something that seems unacceptable (once again, only if it is clearly according to Church teaching).

    It will take great strength on your part to pick yourself up and get back on the horse, and if you feel the confession was not good, do it ASAP with another priest. Tell the other priest about the experience, especially if you have anger in your heart, or if you have confusion over the experience or restlessness. Let the priest help you through it.

    :blessyou:
 
I went to confession one time where the priest told me he didn’t want me to go into detail as to what might be behind a particular sin and told me I could only confess three sins only. When I asked him what if I had more than three sins and he told me to come back next Saturday:( Needless to say, I never went to him for confession again.
I don’t know how to class this experience, but when I was nine I went to confession. On the other side of the confessional was a man who I could hear - he was very loud. He was telling the priest he hadn’t been to confession in over 30 years, was a hitman for the mob (I grew up in Sopranos country in NJ), he ran numbers, had to discipline prostitutes (either beating them up or killing them), and also was involved with narcotics. The priest kept sliding the door occassionally on my side saying he’d be with me soon. I didn’t know that I could get up and go to another confessor so I waited. My mom kept coming into the church looking for me but couldn’t find me. She thought I must have done something really bad to be in confession so long. I received quite an education that day!
 
I just had one. I am shaken. I think the priest’s advice is for too much of a bruden for me to bear. I don’t think he understood me. I had never gone to him before and still don’t know his name. He was not “mean”, and did ablsolve my sins, with a minimal penace, but his advice, was, as I said to him, all most impossible. He told me that is where Faith comes in. I really don’t think he could give that type of advice to someone he knew nothing about. I am sick about this. Is advice absoluteley to be followed? I had read in Srcupolous Anonymous, just before going to Confession, that you MUST do what the priest says. That added more misery to me. I feel no peace, and am considering going to another confession to discuss it, but feel guilty about that, because is that a sin too? Sick to death…
 
The only bad experiences in the confessional that I have had were with heterodoxical priests who informed me that half of the sins I confessed were not actually sins…even though the CCC says they were. In fact those few experiences were so worthless I questioned the validity of the sacrament…they seem like counciling sesssions. I cannot even remember if there was a prayer of absolution or not.
 
mcflora,

I think what they mean by HAVING to do what the priest tells you, is about the penance he gives you. Advice as far as I know, is just that, advice. I had the priest give me some advice during my last confession just a week ago, but he put it…you might try such and such, and maybe such and such would be an excellent avenue as well, etc., etc. I will pray about it and try to follow one of his methods to help me, but I don’t think it’s mandatory, correct me someone if I am wrong.
 
In retrospect, I had one. The priest, instead of focusing on my issues, spent most of the time talking about his family’s issues. :confused: Not sure what that was about. I think he was trying to reassure me with his own experiences, but it felt very strange…like he was confessing to me. And he would ask me pointed questions about my husband that didn’t seem to have any connection to my confession.

My son had a bad experience–he was six, and really wanted to make his first confession. We took him to a church that was affiliated with our homeschool group, thinking the priest would be open to hearing his confession. The priest looked at him, asked, “How old are you?” and when my son said, “Six,” the priest said, “Come back later,” and waved him away. No explanation, no blessing, no nothing. Rude. Later my husband took him to a priest in our local parish and he made his first confession very nicely.
 
I can think of two experiences, one of my own, and one I (and the rest of the congregation) were subject to.

Once at a reconciliation service the priest forgot to turn off his mic and while you couldn’t hear what the confessee was saying, you COULD hear the priest’s response. And sadly, for him, and for all of us who could hear him…he told the poor guy “stop wasting my time!” :eek: Needless to say, I’ve never been to him for confession.

What happened once to me was pretty similar, though because I knew the priest pretty well and I knew he was saying it in jest, I wasn’t bothered by it. He told me to come back when I had something “good” to confess. This was when I was a kid and my mom made me go before I’d really had a chance to get some serious sinning in. 😃

However, the last couple of times I’ve gone have been excellent. I was nervous, sure…who wants to give up all their dirt? But the priest was very kind and compassionate and I left the confessional knowing my sins had been forgiven. Nothing beats that!
 
Teelynn said:
mcflora,

I think what they mean by HAVING to do what the priest tells you, is about the penance he gives you. Advice as far as I know, is just that, advice. I had the priest give me some advice during my last confession just a week ago, but he put it…you might try such and such, and maybe such and such would be an excellent avenue as well, etc., etc. I will pray about it and try to follow one of his methods to help me, but I don’t think it’s mandatory, correct me someone if I am wrong.
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I sure had a frightening sound of an order to it. Altho, I was grasping on one statement he made, as a loophole. I am in such angst. It is highly unlikely I will follow his advice/suggestion/order? He simply has no clue as to who I am. I worry if I am not trusting the Holy Spirit in following his directive. The best I may be able to do is modify the advice to somthing a little more workable. Or get a second opinion., with even more guilt to deal with. Don’t they know how powerful their words can effect an already anquised soul? Thank you
 
About three years ago, not long after my confirmation, I found myself going to confession with a priest I had never met. He was, in fact a retired priest who was filling in a for a vacationing priest at a convent where I was attending daily Mass.

In the course of the confession, it came out that my wife and I had not had, um, relations, for more than two years. He told me as penance I had to have relations with her. I said I could not do this because she would refuse. He then told me to force her. I said, “Do you mean rape her?” To which he responded that it is not possible to for a husband to rape his wife; wives must always consent and if they don’t, it is perfectly fine for the husband to “have his way with her”.

I told him that I could not do this penance and asked him to give me another. He reacted with impatience and had me say 20 decades of the Rosary in one sitting instead.

There was something about this priest that made me pretty uncomfortable. However, I have only seen him one other time after this.

(My wife, by the way, filed for divorce a couple of months after this. I filed my nullity petition last year and the process is nearly complete.)
 
mcflora said:
I sure had a frightening sound of an order to it. Altho, I was grasping on one statement he made, as a loophole. I am in such angst. It is highly unlikely I will follow his advice/suggestion/order? He simply has no clue as to who I am. I worry if I am not trusting the Holy Spirit in following his directive. The best I may be able to do is modify the advice to somthing a little more workable. Or get a second opinion., with even more guilt to deal with. Don’t they know how powerful their words can effect an already anquised soul? Thank you
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There is no guilt in asking another priest’s advise. Just say I went to confession this long ago and the priest told me this, then explain why you have trouble with the advise. Make sure you go to a good priest who you know will help you, some priests just ignore most of what you say, so make sure he is a good one.

It is like a child who says “Mommy can I have candy?” Mommy says “No” the child goes to Daddy and says “Daddy, Mommy said I couldn’t have candy, but she didn’t know that I ate all of my apple” “Ok, you can have one piece.”
As long as the child tells the second parent what the first said, there are no problems.

I got to go.
Yours Through Our Lady & St. Patrick,
Margarite
 
I’ve wanted to post in this thread since it opened, but I am asking for gentle advice, too.

I went to confession this Lent (at a different church - I felt that since I was in the area, why not?) and in the confessional I got into a little detail about my family situation, because I still am carrying guilt/shame from it (fourth commandment and all). I felt the priest wasn’t grasping the whole situation of abuse and PTSD, and I wasn’t able to tell him everything due to time constraints. Besides, he wasn’t interested, he told me to “stop right there.”

Oh, man, he let me have it for “abandoning my family” and the whole nine. Nevermind how the actual penitent felt violated - he said that I “deserved to be victimized and wasn’t offering it up, had poor faith, didn’t understand redemptive suffering and with a closed mind I probably never would, and therefore was a poor Catholic.” 😦

His penance was impossible, not by principle alone, but by other issues I won’t go into in a public forum. I told him this and he raved even more.

When I got to the Act of Contrition he was very condescending. “Say the Act of Contrition if you remember it and if you mean it, much less understand it.”

And to add insult to injury, he yelled so loud that the people outside heard it. There were about 20 - 25 people. They all stared at me as I walked out. Several glared, and others shook their heads. It took a long time to get over that, and I’m still smarting. So I guess I’m not really over it yet.

I cannot ever trust (not sure if that’s the right word) a priest who doesn’t exercise discernment and some type of restraint in the confessional again. I respect his office immensely, but Reconciliation should never be traumatic. Humbling, yes. Cleansing, yes. Sincere, yes. Even theraputic to the mind and most definately the soul.

But this is where I am conflicted:

I respect your advice, Margarite, but please reassure me that it’s not like “cheating,” i.e. I didn’t like what Father X told me, so I am going to see Father Y, instead.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve gone to confession, and I think this time (for the first time) will make an appointment and sit with the priest face-to-face so I can go into some detail. It’s going to take a lot for me to be brave enough to go back to this Sacrament. I actually tremble when I think of how it’s going to go.

Who thinks that would be a good idea, or am I opening up myself to a repeat of last time?
 
Miserissima said:
Who thinks that would be a good idea, or am I opening up myself to a repeat of last time?
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Our priests, like us, are fallible humans. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. However, despite being apprehensive, I would hate to see you rob yourself of the blessings of the sacrament by avoiding it altogether. I think your idea is an excellent one, making an appointment to ensure ample time to address your issues, but also finding a different priest. I will keep you in my prayers! :signofcross:
 
Michael_Howard said:
I was wondering how many folks out there have had bad confession experiences with your priest. I had one today and it wounded me. How have you dealt with these experiences and have they weakened your faith or made it stronger? Thanks and God bless!
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I had a Priest yell at me for taking too long in the confessional, but meh, who cares. I never take very long, or else I’l schedule a private confession. But if I am not done, he’ll have to forcibly remove me.

Religious math dictates:

My soul > anything else he has to do

And despite certain members of the clergy who have been turnoffs, it can never shake my faith in the Church or her wonderful sacraments. I may lose faith individuals, but never the Church.
 
Miserissima,
I saw that you live in the DC area, well it just so happens that a very good priest friend of ours lives there, his name and address are below. He is a very kind young priest who is studying so that he can teach at the seminary in Denver. He would never yell, he has a very quiet voice and he is very kind. Even if you cannot make it there, maybe you could call him and ask him for a reference to a good confessor in your area. Also, I completely agree with kristie_m, and I could not have said it better than she did. You are in my prayers.

Fr. Gary Selin
St. John Catholic Parish
6420 Linway Terrace
McLean, VA 22101
(703) 356-7916

Yours Through Our Lady,

Margarite

PS: I can’t remember the saint who said this, but one of the saints said: “A priest should be a lion in the pulpit and a lamb in the confessional.” The priest was wrong, don’t feel guilt about asking a second opinion.
 
Miserissima,
Here is another great piest in the DC area, he is a wonderful confessor, and very, very knowledgable. He is the pastor of this parish, so he would probably be more available than Fr. Selin. I hope this helps.

Fr. Thomas VanderWoude
4329 Sano St.
Alexandria, VA 22312
(703) 354-8711
queenofapostles.org/

Yours Through Our Lady,
Margarite
 
Misserissima,

I think you got some very good advice. For you and all the others who ran across similar situations, I have to say, that it is worth the time and work involved
to find one good confessor, and stick with him.
He will get to know you and your history, and you will know what you are getting, so to speak. Sometimes this is a difficult undertaking, just to find someone, but if you stick with it, I can tell you, it can change your life.

Peace,
Kelly
 
happyseppy said:
Misserissima,

I think you got some very good advice. For you and all the others who ran across similar situations, I have to say, that it is worth the time and work involved
to find one good confessor, and stick with him.
He will get to know you and your history, and you will know what you are getting, so to speak. Sometimes this is a difficult undertaking, just to find someone, but if you stick with it, I can tell you, it can change your life.

Peace,
Kelly
Click to expand...
:amen: 👍
 
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